Guidance Of A Little Angel
by elm065a
Summary: Edward & Bella's Marriage Was All Planned Out For Them. What Happens When Bella Throws In The Unexpected And The Tailspin Of Tragic Events That Follow? Will Edward Be Able To Prove He's Worthy Of Bella? Can He Save Bella And Their Marriage?
1. Ch 1  Making Love While Unloved

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 1** - Making Love While Unloved

I am glutton for punishment, I truly am. You see I'm in love with a man, who I actually want to hate with every fiber of my being but just can't seem too. I have been in love with him for the past six years of my life. And not just any man, no - you see he's my husband, and has been for just over year and a half now.

He was also fortunate enough to be the brother of my best friend and son of my adopted family which now makes my best friend, my sister in law and my adopted family, my official family.

So where's the punishment I hear you ask? Well here's the kicker - Edward doesn't love me back, never has. At least not in the way I want him too.

We have what you would call an arranged marriage. It's been an agreement since we were children although we didn't officially meet until I was sixteen and Edward was nineteen. We were allowed to get to know each other and become friends until we agree on the terms of the marriage contract and signed it until when I was eighteen and Edward was twenty one. The contract stated that the Cullen's would back my fathers political career and my family would donate masses of money and contribute towards the hospital.

Our families are important people. My father, Charlie is a politician, who is trying to run for governor while my mother, Renee, was a housewife who came from what people like to call _old_ _money_. My father-in-law Carlisle is a famous Nero surgeon and head of the hospital board. His family original founded the hospital just over two hundred years ago while my mother-in-law Esme is an interior designer.

Edward and I didn't actually start our relationship until all the paperwork was finalized through the lawyers. By that point I was nineteen, Edward was twenty two and I was head over heels in love with him. If I'm honest with myself, I had always really been in love with him. Within a week of meeting him I knew I was. We married on August thirty first last year. I'm now twenty two years old and a published author while my husband is twenty five, a surgeon and completely oblivious to my love for him.

It's common practice for arranged marriages between the _well to do_ families in our town, anyone outside of town didn't really know about it unless they were told so it didn't really seem like a big deal to any of us. It's a quaint little place in the middle of nowhere about thirty or so minutes drive from anywhere the nearest city. Our town has good modest values, everyone has a smile on their face, 2.4 kids, the white picket fence and a billion dirty little secrets hiding in their closets.

My love for Edward was my dirty little secret.

We made a deal when we married that it would be companionship for each other, so as not to break tradition or break the hearts of our families.

Of course I had lied through my teeth.

We also agreed that if anything was to happen with anyone on the side that the other would look the other way while the one partaking would be discreet and safe.

That was added because our families decided to add insult to injury by adding a clause to our marriage.

We had to have at least one child by the time we had been married five years.

We had sat and spoke about two weeks after we got back from our honeymoon and had agreed that we couldn't avoid having sex and that it would be like a friend with benefit's type of deal to attain the baby we needed.

At one point that hadn't been an issue.

My heart ached to think of that time in my life and how it has led us to where I am now.

I am stuck in love with my husband, who I don't want to love but can't seem to stop myself and he doesn't love me.

Most people didn't care that he didn't love me. They had said to me on more than one occasion that I should have the attitude of "Well at least it's me he's coming home to" But I couldn't.

I wanted him to want me, to need me. I wanted him to feel the shock that goes through me every time he touches me or the feel the magnitude of emotions I feel when he makes me come.

But he doesn't.

It depressed me thinking about how I got into this state. It had all started a little over ten months ago. I had been having an off day and wasn't hiding it too well when I had got home to Edward, I had spent the day with Esme, my mother-in-law.

She had mentioned that our one year wedding anniversary was coming up and that we had to do something special to celebrate, I knew what she meant. She wanted to lingerie shopping and plan an intimate weekend away for us but to me, it didn't seem worth the trouble, it would just reminded me of how much of a sham our marriage was. Later that night I had it brewing in my head.

"Hey baby girl are you okay?" he asked me while finishing off the last of his dinner.

I scoffed at his nickname for me. He'd got so used to using it for appearance purpose's that it's just stuck.

"I'm fine"

"Are you sure? You seem lost in your own little world? Is there something you want to talk about?"

"Nope, I'm fine" I said sounding monotone while standing to grab the dishes to take to the skin.

As I got to there, I felt his arms snake around my waist and his head resting on my shoulder.

"Have I done something wrong?" he asked as he kissed my neck

"Did I forget something important?" he held my hips firmly in his hands continuing his journey over my throat causing me to whimper in need.

"Tell me what's going on? Tell me what you want Bella and I'll give it to you" he whispered huskily into my ear.

"You, just you" I whimpered in reply, hoping that he'd understand the underlying truth in my words. I needed him to love me as I loved him.

"Well, that I can do" he said smirking against my neck as his hands started moving about caressing me body.

His hands moved from my hips to better help his positions of me against him. He splayed his right hand over my lower stomach, pushing my ass against his erection while having his middle finger move back and forth over my light jogging bottoms, skimming ever so lightly over where I wanted him most.

His left hand was on my breast trying to entice my already hard nipple to pop out even further for him. I whimpered shifting my hips to create that delicious friction between us. I needed him to touch me.

"Is this what you want Bella? You want me?"

he moved his hand down to the seam of my top and slowly started lifting it over my body but holding it close enough that his fingers where still tracing my skin leaving a feeling of fire in their wake.

He lifted it over my head and dropped it to the floor. His right hand went back to my stomach pulling me back to him forcefully as he grunted and moaned. His left hand snaked between us unclasping my bra then helping slide it off of my body leaving my top half exposed for him.

"I'll give you one thing Bella, you've got goddamn perfect breasts, and they are fucking beautiful. They bounce so perfect when you ride me" he moaned into my neck kissing harder against it.

His left hand came back to my breast, tugging and pulling the nipple while his right hand started pushing my jogging bottoms and panties down my hips.

It didn't escape my notice that I was the only one naked but this was how he liked it. This was the only tenderness I got from him during these times.

Don't get me wrong, sex with Edward was amazing and took me to place I hadn't been before but it wasn't love making. It wasn't tender. It was sex and occasionally truly animalistic fucking. I had a feeling I was in for the latter tonight.

His right hand came back to just above my pussy and started pushing down to trace my slit but I kept my legs together so it was difficult for his to reach me. I was trying to hold on to the tender Moment as long as I could.

"Open up for my baby girl, I want to fuck you with me fingers" he groaned in my ear and making my knees weak.

He only ever spoke dirty or swore during sex. Surprisingly it had been a huge turn on hearing his velvet toned voice being forceful and filthy with me. I did as he said then moaned loudly and grabbed onto the counter as his fingers found their way to my slit.

"God, baby girl I didn't know you needed me so bad, your so fucking wet" he articulated the word wet by shoving his pointer and middle finger of his right hand into me while pressing his thumb against my clit.

My hips automatically bucked into his fingers. His left hand was becoming more demanding on my breast while he was still nibbling my neck in between sentences.

"Is that good Bella? Is this what you wanted?" he whispered in my ear while still forcefully fucking me with his fingers. I could feel me knees turning weak as I grabbed even harder onto the sink for support.

"Tell me Bella? Tell me how you want this? How good fucking my fingers is?" I couldn't speak, all I could do was nod but he wouldn't let me away with that.

"Tell me Bella or I'll stop"

"God, yes Edward, it's so good" I near enough cried from the warring emotions in me.

My body wanted its release and for him to fuck me while my heart and mind wanted him to lift me tenderly and make love to me in our room, on our four poster bed.

"Good girl, I can feel how much you want me Bella. You're so fucking wet; it's going to make it so easy sliding into that tight cunt of yours. You're so fucking tight Bella, I need you soaking so I can fuck you like you want me to, so I can pound into you with my cock, feeling every inch of your heat surrounding me. I want to fill you up; hitting that sweet spot I know makes you come so fucking hard"

The more he spoke, the harder and deeper he thrust his fingers into me, my hips jerked and bucked looking for the release I needed. My body went into auto pilot so I leaned back into him and held on for dear life.

"I may not know a lot of things baby girl but I know how to make you come for me, I can feel you pulsing on my fingers Bella, don't fight it. Let go for me I want my cock in you so badly but not until you've come. Come for me baby girl I want to taste it"

I couldn't hold back anymore. I gripped the sink for dear life so as not to buckle and I screamed out his name through my orgasm. I finally calmed leaning against him.

At some point he had turned us around to face the table and had grabbed a seat cushion putting it there for me to lean on. His fingers where still inside me running slowly back and forth. He slowly removed them and licked them clean, moaning as he did.

"I need to fuck you Bella, please? Lean down over the table for me"

I did as he said, leaning over the table, legs spread widely apart. Before even getting the chance to catch my breath me plunged into me. We both gasped at the feeling.

I knew I was tight for him, I done pelvic floor exercises almost obsessively to keep myself tight in the hopes that he would enjoy it so much; he wouldn't go looking for anyone else. It had been the recommendation of my mother and the one part of the dreaded "Sex talk" I had actually listened to.

I could feel every beautiful inch of him filling me to the rim, every vain and ridge working against my center. As if two pieces of a mechanism needed to be paired in order to work. He fit me perfectly. He slowly withdrew then hammered back into me, continuing the pace. He was grunting and groaning and digging his fingers into my hips.

"Jesus you're so fucking hot Bella... tight... wet... hot... fucking perfection... just... want... to... pound... into... you... can feel you pulsing around me"

He grabbed my right thigh and guided my leg so it was curled backwards around his hip; it opened me up wider to him giving him a deeper penetration. I literally felt like my eyes were rolling back into my head.

He moved his left hand up my body to grab my hand and took it in his guiding me to where we were joined. He pushed the heel of my hand onto my clit causing my hips to buck.

He slowed his thrusts but not his power behind then guided my fingers down so I could feel him coming in and out of me.

"Do you feel that Bella... You're... so... fucking... wet... for... me... feel yourself coating my cock... I love how fucking wet you get for me... love... feeling... you... come... around... me... makes me want to come so hard inside you... You'll take it too won't you baby girl... love... feeling... my... cock... pounding... into... your... pussy... feeling my come fill you and drip all through you... so... fucking... beautiful... seeing... my... come... in... you" he was thrusting harder and start to get Momentum I knew he was getting close I could feel him grow indescribable more harder inside me

"God Bella need to come... Buried inside you... Need you to come... Let... Go... Now" he groaned, continuing his thrust and pushing my hand forcefully against my clit.

All I could do was give into the demand. I came hard around him squeezing him, pulling him into oblivion with me and loving the feeling. Every bone in my body felt like jelly and I felt like I could fall into the deepest sleep.

He kissed my shoulder, slide out of me slowly then stepped back to lean against the counter.

"Fuck Bella you need to stand up, seeing my come mixing with yours, leaking out of you is making me hard again, I don't think I have the energy" he breathed out.

I turned my head to look at him, seeing his eyes look over me. I could see that instead of his breaths calming, they were staying hard and heavy. I could feel myself getting turned on again and the thought crossed my mind that maybe for once I could lead.

For some unknown reason I was feeling brave. I thought about what Esme had said about a romantic weekend away. I thought maybe I could start to turn things around and we could celebrate properly like a normal couple would do. I stood up and turned around leaning against the table. I traced my right hand lightly down my body till I got to my center.

I watched him as my hand moved down my body then broke the eye contact when I felt his come slowly leaking out of my center. He was right seeing our come together was an incredible turn on.

"Fuck Edward, your right, feeling this is so fucking hot" I moaned looking right into his eyes. I was never like this and by the predatory look on his face and the fact that his once flaccid cock was coming to life again, I could tell he liked it.

I sauntered over to him and grabbed his hand leading him over to the dining table chair and guided him to sit. I then sat on the table he had just fucked me on, in front of him and opened myself for him to view.

My fingers danced lightly over my center, mixing our come even more. Feeling it there, knowing I had made this god like Adonis of a man come had me feeling all powerful and I was going to use it to my advantage.

"God Edward, feeling you inside me is amazing, feeling you fill every space in me, making me come so hard, it's mind blowing" he was watching my fingers around my pussy and was fully hard again. I had to have him but I wanted it my way this time.

"Edward, I need you again but I want to try something? I need to try something? Will you let me try?" I sat up just enough so my breast where in his face but that he could still see my fingers circling my clit.

He finally looked me in the eyes, his nearly blackened with lust "What do you want Bella?"

I slid onto his lap and impaled myself on him, he throw his head back groaning. "I want to take you Edward, just you, will you let me?" I whispered into his ear while rolling my hips.

"Fuck yes" he groaned then made to grab my hips but I grabbed his hands before they could started to guide me.

"Ah ah ah, I'm leading this one, I want you to feel everything I do" I said looking into his eyes.

I placed his hands on my hips lightly then placed my hands on his shoulders so I could use them to support my moves. I was going slow and deep and loving the connection I was feeling.

He closed his eyes and rolled his head back, trying to control his movements. He was still in the mind set of fucking me, I had to change that. I grabbed his face so it was level to my own; I needed to see his beautiful forest green eyes.

"Edward, look at me please" I pleaded. He did briefly then turned away. I grabbed his chin with my right hand to make him face me.

"Please Edward... Look at me... Watch me take you into me... Please I need you to see me baby" I whispered hoarsely.

He looked into my eyes and didn't break the connection again. I could feel the shift in what was happening. I was like static electricity surrounding us. I saw the confusion in has eyes as he watched me move over him slowly and lovingly. I was laying my deepest secret out for him and hoping he'd understand it and respond.

We didn't speak, we didn't make a sound.

We just breathed each other in, my forehead leaning against his, my body taking him in over and over again.

I could feel the coil in the pit of my stomach start to tighten. It was so intense that I was trembling but I couldn't look away from his eyes. I could tell he was getting close by his jerky movement too. I touched his cheek and then grabbed him into a passionate kiss and I felt myself come undone around him, sending him flying over the edge with me.

I swear I saw stars; I had never come so hard in my life. But then again I had never made love to someone before; Edward was my first and would be my last. It was a complete out of body experience.

I leaned my head against his shoulder catching my breath while my sweaty boneless body was molded against his body, his still soft inside me on the chair. We sat in silence for a good five minutes like that.

"Bella" Edward breathed out "What was that?"

I sat up and looked into his eyes when I answered

"I was giving myself to you" I whispered suddenly feeling very unsure, so I looked down slightly.

"I was giving you everything a wife is supposed to give their husband. I was..."

"You where what Bella?"

I shook my head no and as quickly as my jelly legs would let me, got off of his lap. He still didn't get it

"Nothing, it doesn't matter"

He stood up quickly, yet slightly unsteady and stopped me from leaving the room. He was standing behind me holding my shoulders

"It obviously does matter to you or you wouldn't be acting this way, what was that Bella?"

"I was showing you" I whispered

"Showing me what?"

"Me! I was showing you me and how I feel; I was showing you through my actions"

"What where you showing me Bella? What was that?" he whispered sounding almost pained

I dropped my head and shoulders down in utter disappointment. I could feel the tears stinging at the back of my eyes.

"I was making love to my husband" I whispered

I felt Edward stiffen ever so slightly behind me "What?"

A silent lone tear traced down my cheek.

"I said I was making love to my husband, I was feeling a connection to him other than raw animalistic lust. I was letting my body speak for me"

He cuddles me into his chest, his arms going across my collar bone as he huffed out a breath he had obviously been holding

"So if I'm understanding correctly then you where trying to tell me that you love me? That you're in love with me?" he asked sounding unsure and all I could do was nod as more silent tears fell. He huffed again and tightened his arms around me.

"Bella you know I love you. Your one of, if not, my very best friend, I thought that was why we made that agreement up, so as not to complicate things? Why did you agree if this was how you felt?"

He was starting to sound irritated with me now and I could feel my whole world shatter around me. I had to stay strong until I could get away. I refused to break down in front of him, especially naked in our kitchen after what we had just experienced.

"I agreed to it because it was what you wanted and I figured it better I actually knew about it then deluding myself instead. I agreed because I love you. I want you happy, even if it you find it in someone else's arms" I pulled myself from his arms but didn't turn to face him.

"I've never asked anything of you Edward and I am not asking now. I know you don't love me; I'm not asking or expecting you to. I just thought you deserved to see what it felt like to have someone love and worship you, not just fuck your brains out like your a piece of meat. That's why I made love to you. Now if you'll excuse me I'm tired and would like to get cleaned up before I go to bed"

I quickly disappeared up the stairs to the guest bedroom. There was no way I was staying in our room after that epic fuck up. I couldn't handle how his body gravitates to my body in his sleep.

I needed to be alone.


	2. Ch 2 Same Script, Different Cast

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 2 - Same Script, Different Cast  
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><p>We avoided each other like the plague after that conversation. To be honest, it was easier to avoid him then it should have been. He was inundated at the hospital and when I knew he was going to be home, I organized my time so I was either out with Alice or with my editor Rosalie working on my new book.<p>

I even managed to convince Rose to move my book tour up so I could stop avoiding my house. I hadn't came back into our bedroom since the day after our talk. He left for a 36 hour shift the next morning and I moved all my clothes and stuff into the guest bedroom. I just couldn't be in that room without him or even worse - with him. I don't think he even noticed.

I had managed to successfully avoid him for a month. I was leaving for my book tour the next day and knew I couldn't be completely heartless and leave without seeing him so I made an effort.

I checked his schedule with his assistant, Jessica, to make sure that he had the night off, which he did. I made his favorite meal of mushroom ravioli for dinner and had the place looking nice. The kitchen table (otherwise thought of by me as the scene of my heartbreak) was set with candles, a bottle of wine and a nice wee set of daisy flowers I had picked up at the market.

I wasn't trying to make it romantic, just pleasant. I thought we could at least get back to being semI friends again.

I watched the clock waiting for him to get home but as time ticked away I realized he wasn't coming home tonight. There used to be a time when he would have let me know that he was going to be late or was working an extra but I knew I had ruined everything.

I blew out the candles, put the food into a container (because I definitely didn't have an appetite) and then put it and the wine back into the fridge for him. I put the dishes in the dishwasher then found a piece of paper to leave a note for him on the fridge.

"Hi Edward, I was hoping to catch you tonight but I guess you were working late, I just wanted to let you know that my book tour is starting tomorrow. My flight leaves at 6am. I'll be back in just over a month and hopefully we can talk when I get back. Dinners are all ready made up in the freezer with the instructions in my cook book for you and there's mushroom ravioli in the fridge. I'll text you when I land and take off so you know I'm okay. I know I've messed everything up. I miss you. Please take care of yourself. Your Bella"

My sleep was fitful that night I kept dreaming of Edward in compromising position with other women. Surely Jessica had told him that I had phoned? was that why he wasn't home? because he was with someone else? we had never gone more that a week without sex since we had made the agreement and now it had been over a month. I knew I had fucked up and I had no idea on how to fix it.

I left early the next morning for the airport. I didn't even bother going into the kitchen to see if he had got my note. It hurt too much to think about it.

I was met at the airport by Alice and Rose. The great thing about Rose is that she usually minds her own business unless she thinks it's affecting your work, so needless to say we had a pretty perfect working relationship.

The only downfall of it was that she was also one of Alice's best friends, so if Rose knew anything was going on she'd report back to Alice and vice versa. Hence why Alice was coming to my first book signing with me. They tried to sugar coat it by saying that she was there for moral support and she was my number one fan so of course she'd be there, but I knew better.

Rose had already picked up on the tension I had been feeling lately but was wise enough to keep her mouth shut, at least to my face. But by the looks of it she's told Alice that something major had went down and that she needed help babysitting me .

Don't get me wrong I love my friends but I just wish they would learn to butt the fuck out of my life sometimes.

"So you gonna tell us what happened?" Alice asked after we had been seated in our first class seats of the plane. Gotta love the perks of having a name with money behind it.

"Nothing to tell"

"There obviously is if you've been pissed for a month" Rose replies not even looking at me as she skims through her magazine.

"It's nothing okay, just leave it alone"

"Bella please, I'm worried about you. I haven't seen you this way before it's scaring me"

"I have" Replied Rose

"You have what?" I spit out at her

"Seen you this way before, it was when you first made that stupid arrangement with Edward. It wasn't as bad or as long as this one was, mind you, but you where definitely pms central for like a week and a half straight after that"

All I can do is sag my shoulders and turn to look out of the window. I put on my headphone, turned my itunes up to full volume and let the music pull me away. I really didn't want to talk about it with them. Both had been in a similar type of situation as me at one point or another but totally different too.

Alice was arranged to marry Jasper three months after Edward and I had married. We had been on the same boat for a wee while, we both loved husbands who didn't love us back. In Alice's case. It was Jasper's ex Maria who was standing in the way. Maria was dark and dangerous and Jasper loved that aspect of her life until it nearly got killed.

Maria was Jasper's commanding officer in the army. Jasper was a good southern gentleman and a damn fine soldier who followed command without question, especially when it came to Maria's orders. She had defied her own orders and had taking the squad into unsafe territory, thinking if she could combat it, she'd have the upper hand over the local soldiers.

Unfortunately they had been ambushed and Jasper had been severely hurt during the fight.

He was flown home and Alice nursed him back to health. Maria never set one foot near to see if he was okay. When Jasper had found out that Maria had not only been uninjured but also back in the states the entire time he had been home and had not even came to check on him, he was livid.

He realized how stupid he had been and was more appreciative of Alice. Needless to say after finally giving her the chance, Jasper quickly fell in love with her, because how could you not, and they are now living their happily ever after.

Rose unfortunately is a completely different story. Rose is the daughter of the local bank's head of the board and was originally betrothed to one of the sons of the other board member's, an evil bastard called Royce King.

She's the first to admit that she was vain, selfish and pretty naive to an extent. She wanted the pretty life. She wanted the house with the pickett fence, the 2.4 kids and to be the little woman to her husband. She wanted society and tea parties.

Or at least she had.

When she was 16, she had been at a friend of hers baby shower. She was walking home when she had been accosted but a 19 year old Royce and his friends. They were drunk and evil. They raped and beat her to within an inch of her life. Rose swore from that day that she would never let a man have an upper hand over her.

Of course her family and friends where devastated. Charges where brought forward and it was Rose appearing in court and testifying that sealed the deal with the jury. The bastards got 25 to life.

It was after that Rose's father started taking unwell, the stress of everything had weakened his heart. It was in the hospital he met the larger than life Emmett McCarthy. Emmett was the owner of the local park sanctuary and zoo.

Emmett was there caring for his mother, who had taken unwell after his father passed, he said in his opinion she couldn't live without her heart and that she was just biding her time until she was with him again. Mr Hale watched Emmett take care of his mother, he watched this gentle giant be sweet, patient and kind.

He went above an beyond to care for her and to Mr Hale, that more or less sealed the deal. He needed someone who would not only be a gentle giant to his broken daughter but who could also be strong enough to face her on her bull.

Within a month Emmett and Rose where married, and two nights later Mr Hale passed peacefully in his sleep. Rose made Emmett's life a living nightmare to start with but, god bless him, he never gave up. He pushed her to her limits, forced her to face her bullshit and become everything he knew she could be. That was when she became a publishing agent and go figure, she was happier than she thought she ever could be.

If you asked him why he done it, he'll reply "She's so much more than a pretty face, and beside, I love her".

Rose was completely floored when she found out she had become pregnant from her rape. Emmett swore to her that he would stick by her through everything no matter what she wanted to do and would love the baby as if it where his own. He was giving Rose her greatest wish - a child.

Unfortunately, or maybe as Rose would say fortunately, she miscarried with that baby. Rose, of course was heartbroken but said it was probably for the best because she didn't want her child tainted by any part of they bastards but what surprised everyone was Emmett's reaction.

He took it even harder than Rose had. That was the final straw for him. Emmett started to give up and didn't see the point in fighting anymore. It took Emmett giving up for Rose finally realized what she had and let herself love Emmett.

She pulled him back from the brink and they where stronger because of it. Within the year, Emmett and her had their own daughter Lillian aka. Lily. She is now a cute as a button four year old with her mum's ice blue eyes and her dad's dark curly hair and dimples.

She is definitely the apple of her daddy's eye. Needless to say they where the happiest family you could ever met.

I had obviously been away in my own little world longer than I had intended to be because before I knew it we were landing. I turned my phone on as soon as I got off of the plane. I was just about to text Edward when I got a message through from Esme.

"Hello sweety, stopped by the house but you were already away. Be careful but have fun, we love you xx ps. Caught Edward coming home as I was leaving, he just got your note. He's missing you too"

I huffed slightly and replied "Hiya Mama E, just arrived in Phoenix safe and sound, apparently kidnapped your daughter for my 1st signing. Promise we'll be careful. Love you too bx"

Within seconds my phone beeped again

"Glad to hear you's are okay. You can't avoid the subject of him forever Bella, he looked so tired and hurt when he found your note. I don't know whats going on and it's not my place to ask, but please forgive him for whatever he's done. He misses you and is miserable without his best friend xx"

I couldn't reply to that, seeing her call me his best friend just staked it into my heart again that he didn't love me like I did him. I know in her eyes, it's a compliment to a marriage because Carlisle is her best friend as well as her husband and the same goes for him. Instead I texted Edward.

"Just landed safe and sound x"

"Who you texting lil' lady" Alice say's trying to impersonate her husbands southern accent.

"Mom" I lie to her

"What? my Mom or Mom Renee?"

"Your Mom obviously, Renee repels technology she wouldn't know what a text was if I sent her one" I laugh.

"It's nice to see you smile" She replies sadly

"Can we just not right now Alice. I'm just so tired and my backs killing me" I beg.

"Okay but we are talking about it eventually " She warned

"I wouldn't expect anything less" I said sarcastically. Then I felt my phone buzz.

"Glad to hear your safe. I miss you baby girl E x"

It hurt's having him call me that again. I have no idea where it came from but I my reply was fueled with all anger that was gathering at the pit of my stomach.

"You wouldn't be missing me if you had come home last night like Jessica said you could or if you hadn't been avoiding me for the past month"

I knew it was unfair because I had been avoiding him too, but I had at least been honest on my attempts to fix it, I didn't just send a text thinking it would fix everything.

"Jess didn't tell me you had phoned, Dad asked me to cover one of the other guys last shifts because his wife unexpectedly went into labor. My phone battery was dead and I was going to phone you from the hospital but a three car pile up came in just as I reached for the phone. I asked Jess to phone you and let you know before she left. I'm sorry ex"

"Well thank "Jess" For me for being a stellar assistant, because I didn't get that phone call"

"She must have forgot. I'm sorry. If I had known what you had planned or that you where leaving today, I would have turned Dad down Bella. The table and everything looked beautiful, I wish I had been there so we could have had the chance to talk. I do miss you, please believe that E x"

"I do believe it, it just doesn't seem like enough right now"

"Please don't push me away Bella, we can work through this, I don't want to loose my best friend. Please Bella, can I phone you? we need to talk about this E x"

Seeing him say best friend ripped my heart out all over again. He was thinking about appearances while my heart was shattering into a million pieces.

I would never leave him of course. I would stick to the agreement and stay in the marriage because it was the done thing. We would be each others companions as planned.

I just had to have a little space to get my head around that concept. I could do it, I could be strong but I couldn't do it without having a little space from him.

"I really don't think it's a good idea, it's not a conversation I want to have over the phone. I need a little space right now. When the tours done, we'll talk I promise."

"Okay baby girl, please just promise me you'll take care of yourself for me, please. Missing you E x"

"Miss you too"

Surprisingly I managed to avoid the talk with Alice altogether too. She wasn't best pleased when we where leaving her at the airport a week later. She was going home and we where heading to Florida. She hugged me goodbye and whispered in my ear that it would work out and that she loved me. I held her so tight against me needing to feel the genuine love that someone else had for me. This is what I would need to survive my marriage.


	3. Ch 3 City Of Broken Dreams And Hearts

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 3** - City Of Broken Dreams... And Hearts

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><p>The rest of the month more or less flew by between personal reading appearances, meet and greets with fans and the travel too and from everywhere.<p>

It had nearly been two months since I had seen Edward face to face. We texted each other, although him more so than me. He tried to engage me in conversation when I would text him but I just couldn't do it. I hated him, I was angry, hurt and ashamed but I was still madly in love with him. It was like a pendulum swinging back and forth.

I found out from Alice that he was going to be in New York at one of his medical conferences at the same time as I was, so I thought I would go to his hotel to talk to him. I thought somewhere neutral would be best. Somewhere where neither of us where at an advantage or comfort.

Just raw for both of us.

I really needed it to go well. This whole thing had been knocking me ill. I wasn't sleeping right or eating the way I should have been, he was constantly in my head. It was making me irritable and tired.

Although I was starting to suspect that it wasn't just the Edward situation that was doing this too me. As selfish as it was, I was hoping and praying that I was wrong. I seriously couldn't handle that right then.

I arrived at his hotel around 7.30pm, Alice had told me he was on floor 20, room 11. All the way up to the room, I was sweating bullets and felt like shit. I just wanted to get this over with especially if my suspicions where right. The hoodie I was wearing swallowed me up into it, it was one of Edward's and therefore one of my favorites.

It was huge and had huge pockets which was convenient for me as the huge pocket was good at concealing things.

Things like a pregnancy test.

I didn't want to take it alone, I was scared and I didn't think Rose or anyone else would understand - not that I thought he would understand either but it was either him or alone.

I had realized this weekend that I had been due my period last week. I had missed my period for the second month in a row. I was hoping I was wrong and that it had been down to the constant stress that my marriage was causing me but all the signs matched up.

I was constantly tired, my moods where everywhere, my appetite was no existent because the thought of anything but eggs or rare steak made me feel sick to my stomach, my back was killing me, I had had slight cramps but they were not followed by a period.

We had decided when we got married that we wouldn't start actively trying until we had been married for at least two and half to three years, we wanted to be comfortable in the marriage and in our careers so I was still on my pill.

Like I said before, we had a kind of "Friends with benefits" Thing going on so we had sex often but in his eyes, it was a release more than anything else.

To think of myself as pregnant after eleven months of marriage was terrifying.

I finally got to his room and knocked on the door but there wasn't an answer. After my third attempt I realized he wasn't in so I was heading down to the reception to ask for a key when I spotted his hair through the restaurant swing doors.

He looked happy. Happier than I had seen him in ages.

It stung a bit. I was miserable, he's happy.

He was sitting at a table with a big group of people that I could only assume where his work colleagues, he had never taking me to any of the hospital's black tie event or anything so I really didn't know.

There was a woman sitting next to him with piercing blue eyes and fiery red curled hair and she kept laughing at whatever he was saying and rubbing his forearm constantly.

Seeing it made me sick to my stomach and I was surprised when I realized I had placed my hand over where my womb was, as if I was trying to protect anything that might just be in there.

I walked away and got the key from the reception after flashing my "Mrs Cullen" Id. I went back to the room and ordered room service while I waited for Edward.

I was half way through my rare steak and scrambled eggs when I heard the key in the door. I braced myself for him coming in, what I wasn't prepared for was the red head being with him.

The breath suddenly left my body and I literally felt my heart break, it was so physically painful that I found my right hand rubbing where my heart is while my left was still protectively on my stomach.

"Your so funny Edward, I swear no one else on the ward has a sense of humor like you do" She laughed while batting her eye lashes.

"I do try, just give me a moment. I'll grab my jacket and we can all head out" Edward replied not noticing I was in the room.

When he turned away from the door and into the room the smile and color from his face finally dropped.

"Bella? Bella what are you doing here?" He asked shocked.

It took everything in me to hold back my tears. I stood and wiped off the non existent crumbs of my jeans and hoodie top trying not to knock the test out of my pocket.

"I just thought I could catch you while we where in town together, but I can see your busy so I'll leave you to it. I'm sorry I interrupted, have fun tonight." I said as mono toned as I could manage and tried to escape out of the door but he stopped me.

"Bella, wait your not interrupting, please wait a wee minute. I need to talk to you, please? Vicky come in and take a seat, I'll just be a minute okay"

He turned to the red head, who I'm guessing is named Vicky and directed her to the seat in the corner. The pain in my chest was getting even worse, he was asking her to stay instead of me, he was telling her he would get back to her after dealing with me.

I was inconsequential.

I could feel a full blown panic attack coming on. I had to get away from him. I turned and started walking away.

"Bella, wait where are you going?" He said trying to catch up to me as I power walked down to the lift. Typical that when you want the lift there it's never there. He caught up and grabbed me round to him.

"Bella, where are you going? what are you doing here?" He asked hurriedly

"I'm here for a signing, I thought while we were both here we could talk but it's fine, your busy" I said as I continued to push the lift button.

"Baby girl it's not what your thinking, I swear it's not" He said still catching his breath

"It's fine Edward, whatever, I remember the agreement, it's fine" I say trying no to let my voice give away my pain or the tightness of my chest.

"Vicky's the newest surgeon, dad's asked me to take her under my wing. To look out for her until she get's settled, please believe me Bella"

"It doesn't matter Edward, it's fine honestly, we'll just talk when I get home"

"And when's that?"

"Another two and a half weeks"

He dropped his head to my shoulder "I can't wait that long baby girl" He whispers

"Can't we meet up tomorrow? please Bella? we need to talk, I miss you so much"

He sounds so heartbroken that I almost give in but then he hugs my middle and puts his right hand over my left hand, that, I now realized, hadn't left it's protective stance over my womb.

"I miss my best friend" He said sadly.

I feel myself stiffen. He could very well be holding his child inside me, I'm his legally married wife and yet in his eye's I'm still only his best friend.

It's then I realize I'm never going to be anymore than that, even if I am pregnant.

"I can't tomorrow. I'm working then heading to Boston" I say gritting my teeth and more or less stabbing the lift button.

"Bella please? I can't cancel tonight. We're meeting all the conference lectures for drinks. They are important people. Please meet me at some point tomorrow? we need to talk"

"I can't Edward, my job and fans are no less important than your job or lecturers are"

"I didn't say they were"

"That's not what it sounded like"

"I just meant you can reschedule theses things"

"No"

"Please Bella?" He begs as the lift arrives. A room service man walks out with a trolley as I walk inside. Edward just stands there looking at me.

"No Edward, have fun tonight, ill text you" I say in a hollow tone.

we just stare at each other, he knows I've given up. Everything is going to be different from now on. Hearing Vicky's voice reminds me of just how different it might be.

"Thanks, can you take this food away please, it's smelling up the room. It's the exact same thing my sister used to crave when was pregnant. Still makes me gag" I hear her say just as the lift doors start to close and Edward's eyes widen staring right at me.

Once the doors finally close, I break down. I can't catch a breath, my chest feels like it's going to cave in and I'm feeling claustrophobic. I need to get out of this lift. It stops at the twelfth floor and opens revealing Esme and Carlisle to me. They both are laughing about something but when they see me their faces turn to utter shock.

"Bella? sweetie? what's happened? is everything okay? are you okay?" Esme fusses as my knee's give way. I just kneel over there sobbing, moaning repeating "He doesn't love me"

They help me up and take me to their room. Esme insists that Carlisle continue with the night they had planned with everyone. When she tells him to send Edward here I scream out to him not to.

They try to convince me that it is a good idea but I end up in a full blown panic attack over it so eventually Carlisle agrees that it might not be the best idea, especially if that's my reaction to the mere mention of seeing him.

Carlisle goes and Esme hold's me as I rock back and forth sobbing, trying to release the pain in my chest. Trying to find some type of relief, even if it's for just a second.

"So do you want to tell me what's going on?" Esme asks me as I finally settle a little.

"He doesn't love me" I tell her

"Yes, you were saying that, what do you mean?"

I look her in the eye and repeat it again "He doesn't love me"

She cups my face and looks me straight in my eye while saying "He does love you Bella"

I shake my head no "No, he doesn't"

"Yes he does, your his best friend, you have been for just over six years now"

I'm howling in pain by the end of her sentence, and the action seems to shock the shit out of her, as she grabs me close to her holding and rocking me again but the pain wont leave.

It makes me so angry that they all think that this situation's acceptable, that this pain I'm in is acceptable. I jump up and scream at her.

"He doesn't LOVE me, he's not IN LOVE with me"

"Huni, these things take time" She tries to calm me

"No! I was in love with him within a week of meeting him"

"Bella please?" Esme try's to rationalize with me again but I wont let her.

"No Esme, this is not something you can fix or placate away to me, it's not something that's going to take time, he thinks of me as his best friend, that's it! but it's not enough. Your Carlisle's best friend but he's in love with you too. You all seem to think I should just be happy with what I've been given but I'm not. This is physically killing me, and you all think it's acceptable, that my pain is acceptable because it's keeping up appearances. FUCK APPEARANCES! I deserve to feel like I'm enough for someone, that I'm actually worth something. I deserve to be loved and worshiped not just fucked with lust. I deserve for someone to be in love with me as much as I am with them, I deserve for them to want and need me as much as I want and need them. I deserve to be someone's everything" I had started out shouting but as I continued I got quieter and quieter until I was near enough whimpering in pain.

"Oh sweetheart" Esme whimpers with silent tears streaming down her face.

It's then I rethink everything I have said and who I have said it too. I've just basically just told my mother in law that none of them care enough for me and that her son is an asshole.

Of course she'll have to support him.

He's her son, she can't be there for both of us.

The same will be said for Alice and I couldn't drag Rose and Emmett into the middle, Emmett was one of Edward's best friends.

My own parents, although they love me, will just tell me to grin and bear it like they did. But they have never loved each other, they have always just been companions so they don't know how this feels.

For the first time in years, I felt truly alone. I couldn't even feel the pain anymore. I was just completely numb.

"Bella, please sweetheart, we can fix this, you know we love you" She begs. I look at her with what I'm sure are dead and hollow eyes. Her breath catches and her eyes widen slightly.

"I'm sorry but I need to deal with this on my own, I should never have come here" I turn to leave but she grabs me.

"Please, don't go Bella, don't do anything silly please, I'm begging you. I've already buried one of my baby's. Please don't make me bury another one, please?" She begs

"I'm not going to do anything silly Esme I promise, I would never do anything like that to you or him. I just need some space to get my head around everything" I say hollowly while staring at the door.

"I can help Bella"

"No you can't, not this time Esme, I'm sorry." I turn and kiss her cheek then squeeze her hand.

"I promise I'll be okay, I just need to learn to accept everything" I try to smile but it comes across as a grimace.

"Oh Bella..." She is about to continue when her mobile rings.

I know that ring-tone.

It's Edward.

Carlisle has obviously told him I'm here.

It hurts a little knowing that he hasn't just came to check on me, especially after what Vicky said. I honestly thought he might have just shown up, even if Carlisle has told him he shouldn't.

Esme looks like she'd caught between the devil and the deep blue sea but we both know it's him she needs to go to. She's his mother, it's only right.

"I'm okay, I promise. Go talk to him, tell him I'm okay" I plead with my eyes for her not to tell him everything, even though I know that it's a lost cause. She'll rip him a new one while giving motherly concern.

I didn't want that to happen though.

She turns and grabs her phone and I walk out the door toward the lift. I get back to my hotel and cry myself to sleep, telling myself that I'll just have to grin and bare it.

It's better to be alone surrounded by people you love than it is to be alone with only the four walls for company.


	4. Ch 4 Bittersweet Homecoming

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 4** - Bittersweet Homecoming

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><p>The next two and a half weeks fly by even though I don't want them to; I'm not ready to face him. It had been his birthday last week and I had completely ignored it. My mobile has been turned off almost completely. The only time it is on is when I landed in Alaska.<p>

I turned it on to text him to say I landed safely then turned it back off. There were missed calls from everyone, my parents, Alice, Carlisle, Esme and Edward. There were texts but I just didn't have the strength to read them. I am only just holding myself together.

I know they had been in touch with Rose too. It's unusual that she would stay the whole tour with me, she usually only comes to the major events.

But she knows.

She knows something major has gone down and she's the only link to me for the people on the outside world. I know they appreciate it.

She's been smart enough to keep her mouth shut too and even managed to convince Alice, twice, that flying out would be an epically bad idea. She knows I won't talk and that the pixie won't give up.

To be honest, I think for the first time ever, she was actually scared of me and what I might do, if it wasn't so sad it would be hilariously funny because Rosalie Hale McCarthy is not scared of shit and is the biggest bad ass I know.

I finally make it home and it doesn't feel the same.

I manage to field off Alice for myself, she backs down eventually when I tell her that by the time she drive over here, I'll have left and she'll not see me again until I'm ready.

I mean it.

And she knows it.

I'll go off to a cabin in the woods or a motel and shut out the world. I've done it once before. When we where 17 and my beloved grandmother died. At least this way she has Edward looking after me or so she thinks.

It appears that Esme hasn't shared my mental break down with anyone except, maybe, my husband and her own. I don't even know if she told him or if he told her about the maybe baby riddle?

Yeah, I still haven't taken the test.

I'm missing my third period as we speak and am still only being able stomach eating rare cooked steak and eggs of any form with hot sauce. I refuse to take it alone and I don't really want anyone around me just now so I guess I'm at a bit of a catch twenty two.

I decide it's now or never. I need to talk to Edward and get this seen to if it's true. It's irresponsible of me not to. I pick up the phone and ring his office. I need to know that he'll be home tonight.

"Good afternoon Doctor Cullen's office, Jessica speaking, how may I help you?"

I grit my teeth barely, I can't stand Jessica. She's a meddling, gossiping twit who flirts with Edward to no end

"Jessica, its Bella, is he there?"

"Oh hi Bella, can't find your husband again?" She spit's out

"Just answer the question Jessica"

"He's in surgery right now. I can take a message if you want, at least I'm guaranteed he'll see and speak to me today" She replies smugly causing me to grit my teeth even harder.

"When does his shift finish?"

"He's here till five but you never know he might find something interesting to keep him around, in fact I think Dr. Victoria Smith was going to ask him to scrub in with her, should be an interesting surgery so I wouldn't count on him coming home"

I hang up before I say something I'll regret. I go and take a shower trying to relieve some of the tension from my muscles.

My hand goes over my stomach and I know my suspicions are right. My lower stomach is solid and extended ever so slightly. It wouldn't be noticeable to anyone else but I know my body.

Once I'm done I get out and go the kitchen to make something to eat. After I've eaten I literally just sit and watch the clock. Five o'clock comes and goes. As does six and seven.

Before I even realize it I'm in my car heading to the hospital. When I arrive he's not there the night nurse Angela is there. We've been friends since high school.

She informs me that the Denali's are in town with their daughter, Tanya, otherwise known as my in laws best college friends and Edward's high school sweetheart. Tanya was also the girl who broke Edwards heart right before he agreed to our marriage. Angela goes on to tell me that Edward, Carlisle and Esme are out to dinner with them and that Jessica knew that they had planned to go.

She then asks me what I'm doing home early which confuses me. She shows me Edward's calendar.

There in Jessica's messy scrawl is my name and return time but it's marked in for tomorrow. The fucking bitch knew I was back today; I made sure to tell her three times before I left.

I tell Angela what she's been doing and she's almost as angry as I am, almost. She tells me she'll tell Jessica's supervisor what she's been playing at.

I get back to my car and just felt like giving up. I got home and just started cleaning. God knows why but it relaxes me.

I hear his car pulling up and look at the clock, it's the back of one in the morning, must have been one hell of a reunion. I hear him come in and his step falters slightly when he notices the lights are on and my case's are still in the hall.

I hadn't 100% decided what I was going to be doing so I left them there just in case.

He makes his way to the kitchen where I've spent the majority of the night cleaning things. I keep my back to him, as I face the sink scrubbing some more silverware.

"Your home?" He finally says

"Yup"

"But you're not due home till tomorrow? I was going to meet you at the ferry dock. Did you come home early?" He says sounding slightly hopeful

"Nope"

"Then how..."

"Because your assistant is a twisted bitch" I say harshly

"What?" He sounds shocked

"I told Jessica three times that I was coming home today, but she put it in you calendar as tomorrow. She also knew at two o'clock this afternoon that not only was I home but that I would be here waiting for you at five, which is when she told me you finished. She never mentioned dinner with the Denali's even though it's clearly marked on you calendar and she obviously knew"

"She didn't tell me you had phoned or that you where home" He says weakly

"Yeah, because this is the first time that something like this has ever happened." I scoff

"I don't know why she's doing this"

"God, you must really walk bout with blinkers on sometimes Edward" I say as my irritation grows.

"What the hell is that supposed to mean Bella?" He replies angrily

I turn and lean my back against the sink looking at him. He's standing in the door way looking guarded and a little scared. He's looking at me as if he's never seen me before and I suppose to him I do look like a stranger.

I'm not his best friend anymore.

I'm numb.

"Well, dear husband" I say sarcastically

"Considering you can't see it, I'll spell it out for you. She wants you. She wants to be Mrs. Edward Cullen. She wants your body, your money and the name with the advantages it gives. Although she seems to be warming up to my stand in, I hear you and Vicky are a great wee team at work" I spit before turning back around to the sink.

"Nothing happened with Vicky, she's a colleague" He whispers

"Whatever Edward"

"No Bella, you're not hearing me, she's just a colleague, and she's the wife of one of the hospital board members. So I had to be hospitable to her or it would start a shit storm"

I ignore him and continue cleaning the silverware. I hear him taking a step in the door, slowly as if testing to see if I'll bolt.

"Are we going to talk about what happened before you left? Or what happened in New York? Mom said you really scared her and to be honest your scaring the shit out of me too baby girl"

I grit my teeth. I can't have him calling me cute pet names when there isn't the sentiment that is meant to be there behind it.

"Don't call me that"

"Why Bella? I've always called you that"

"I don't want you to do it anymore, it's Bella or nothing"

"Why Bella? I don't understand what's going on? I'm trying to understand, I know your hurt but I'm trying to fix this"

"There's nothing to talk about, I've accepted it for what it is. All I'm asking is that you don't fake the sentiment. Just be up front and honest with me, stop acting like you love me when you don't"

"But I do love you" He whispers pained

"Fine I'll simplify it for you, stop acting like you in love with me, the pet names, holding hands, cuddling against me in bed and breathing me in, the little innocent kisses on my neck that don't lead anywhere, just stop it, it's misleading and unfair. Do that and we won't have an issue? We'll still be friends, even with the benefits if that's what you want but we'll both know exactly where we stand"

"So that's it? You made the decisions and you're not even going to talk to me about it"

"What is there to talk about Edward? This is the only way I can handle doing this to give you what you want"

"This isn't what I want, I want you and there's a lot to talk about Bella" He says angrily

"Like what?" I spit back

"Why didn't you tell me Bella?" He asks sounding hurt

I grip onto the sink for dear life because he's confusing the hell out of me; he has no right being hurt here. I'm the one sacrificing myself for his happiness.

"Tell you what?"

I jump slightly when I feel him behind me, pressing his chest to my back and his right hand covering my left one over my womb, which has once again, subconsciously, moved over it as if offering protection. He pulls me to him holding me closely then whispers quietly into my ear

"The baby Bella, why didn't you tell me about the baby?"

"Because I had nothing to tell" I say while try unsuccessfully to swallow down the tears in my eyes.

All my angry instantly drains, I'm not numb when he touch's me.

I'm fragile.

Vulnerable.

Breakable.

I can't stand it.

There's a lump in my throat that won't shift and my hearts pounding.

"What do you mean you had nothing to tell? Was what Vicky said bout the craving's wrong? Aren't you pregnant?" He continues to talk to me softly and holds me close to him.

"I don't know" I whisper turning my head away from him.

"What do you mean Bella?"

"I mean I don't know for definite if I'm pregnant or not. I was too scared to take the test alone so I haven't done it"

"Oh Bella, is that why you were at my room that night?" He whispers sadly and all I can do is nod and cry silently.

"And that's why you broke down to Mom?" And again I can only nod as he holds me a little tighter.

"Why didn't you tell me Bella?"

"What difference would it have made? You had to work"

"I would have found a way to get out of it"

"Right, so you could get out of it if I told you I thought I was pregnant but not to talk to me when I made the effort to come and see you after we had been having problems. Thanks Edward, nice way of letting me know how I rank in your life" I say angrily as a try to pull myself out of his hold.

"Hey, don't you dare ever say that. I was trying to find a way to get out of it when you told me you couldn't make it the next day. I wanted us to talk. I was trying to get away when Dad appeared and more or less warned me to stay the hell away from you. He told me that you were with Mom and if I valued my life or our life together, if I cared about you at all, that I would give you space. He told me that he better never see you in that state again over me or he'd take you to the lawyer himself, damn the appearances. You really frightened them Bella. Mom was convinced that you where going to do something stupid."

"I would never do that to her...or you"

"I hoped you wouldn't but I was so scared Bella. When Rose phoned the next day she said you were okay but that you were just going through the motions, I was relieved but still so scared"

"It was all I could handle"

"I know. I was the same. I was lost without you" He cuddled into my neck

"It's not the same Edward"

"Yes it is"

"No it's not, you where missing your friend. I'm missing my heart" I tremble trying not to break.

"It's the same Bella"

"No it's not"

"Yes it is"

"Are you in love with me Edward? Do you feel physical pain in your chest when we are apart? Does it feel like you can't breathe when I'm not here?"

He doesn't reply and it's all the answer I need.

"See it's not the same" I pull away from him and head to the hall way.

"Where are you going?" He asks fearfully

"The bathroom. There's a test you need me to take" I say and even I hear that my voice sounds dead.

A minute later I'm sitting out in the hallway on the floor waiting the five minutes for the tests to be ready. He comes and sits opposite and stares at me. He looks scared, but whether it's because of the tests or me, I'm not sure.

"So how late are you?"

"I've missed three periods, I'm supposed to be having one just now" I mumble not looking at him, but staring at out wedding picture on the wall.

"Three?" I can hear the shock in his voice

"Yes Edward, three! I didn't want to take the test alone and I couldn't exactly drop into my doctors when I was away. I have an appointment for tomorrow. Or I guess later today. To be honest, it never really clicked until two days before New York"

"But that was over two weeks ago, how could you not have considered it before that?"

"I thought it was stress from what was happening with us, plus I never really sleep or eat so great when I'm on the road or away from you" I was being brutally honest. I just didn't see the point of holding back.

"I don't sleep so great when your away either. I Miss. you cuddling into me" He says looking at me. I think he's hoping that I'll look at him too but I can't. We just sit there for a Moment before I whisper back.

"It's you who cuddles into me"

"What?"

"I said it's you who cuddles into me, you fall asleep on your back then you turn to your side and pull me too you until I'm wrapped around you. You move and shimmy about until my leg is over your waist, my hand is on your chest and my head is over your heart, then you put your head down to my hair, breath in deep and relax into a deeper sleep, not letting me go for the rest of the night" I say quietly

"I do?"

"Yeah, there's some nights I can't get my brain to turn off, so I lie there awake thinking and you do it every time without a doubt, it was one of the things I loved most about you. It made me feel safe and wanted. That's why I moved to the guest room. I can't keep letting things like that and everything I mentioned before delude into thinking this is more than it really is"

I look at him and he looks so sad and hurt, as if I have slapped him but I don't really have the energy to care.

"I didn't know"

"Well now you do" I turn back to the wall

"So have you been okay? You know like morning sickness or anything?" He asks and watches as my hand goes to my stomach as if it is a natural instinct.

"I'm fine, no morning sickness, just nausea, craving rare steak and eggs of any kinds with hot sauce, had some dizzy spells, my backs been really uncomfortable and my chest's been a little tender the past two days. My stomachs solid and ever so slightly swollen"

He looks at me curiously. He can't see the changes because of the big hoodie I'm again wearing. He's about to say something when the timer on my mobile goes off telling me the tests is ready. I stand up and sweep myself off. I don't even bother to see if he's following me or not. I just went straight to the tests.

I closed my eyes then took a big cleansing breath before opening them and looking at them. There are two pink lines on both of the tests I took.

I'm pregnant.

I feel Edward hold me from behind again and snuggling his face into my neck

"Your pregnant" He whispers "You're actually pregnant, we're having a baby"

His hand is covering mine again but soon it travels down to the seam of the hoodie and goes under it so he's skin to skin with my belly, he's skin to skin with his baby. I know he feels the slight swelling from the sharp intake of breath I hear next to my ear. He caresses my stomach as if it's made of the finest crystal.

Such love and care.

"That's our baby in there, it's part of you and me mixing together making this tiny little person, thank you Bella, thank you for being my wife and thank you for having my baby. I don't deserve you"

He starts kissing my neck and all I can do is whimper but I'm confused whether it's from pain or my want for him.

"Edward, please don't"

"Let me fix this baby girl, please let me make this better Bella. I need you in my life, both of you. I can't function without you Bella. Please baby girl let me fix this, let me worship and make love to you the way you deserve"

I shake my head no. I can't handle that. "Don't, you can't say they things to me because of the baby"

"I'm not Bella; I would still have been saying this if you weren't pregnant. I need to fix this, I want to fix this - fix us. I do love you Bella and it's more than I think you realize. Please Bella, let me show you"

He continued kissing and caressing my neck, but I couldn't let him make love to me if he didn't mean it in his heart.

"No please Edward, just fuck me, don't make me promises we can't keep"

"I'm not going to fuck you Bella; I'm going to show you how I feel about you"

He continued his assault on my neck, softly and caring but all I could feel was the pain in my chest getting worse. It felt like it was taking over everywhere and I couldn't breath. A full scale panic attack came on within a matter of seconds and I was helpless to stop it.

I could hear Edward trying to talk me down but it wasn't helping. Having him touch me, care for me, pretend for my sake, wasn't helping. The room started to spin then the welcomed blackness came.

The pain was gone for just a Moment.


	5. Ch 5  The FaceOff

A little note before we begin. I'm going to be updating and fixing the previous chapters with the help of my pre reader branchirps. Sorry for any inconvenience and hope you all are enjoying the story.

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><p><strong>Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 5<strong> - The Face-Off

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><p>When I woke the next morning, I was in our bed in my panties and t shirt. I knew he wasn't lying beside me, but I could feel him in the room. He was sitting in a chair that usually sits diagonally across from our bed, but he had pulled it over to my side and was watching me.<p>

I could tell with just one look, he hadn't slept much. He was sitting in his jogging shorts while his chest was bare, moving hair away from my face his normal sleep attire but the tiredness on his face showed that he hadn't slept. I clenched my eyes shut tightly hoping I'd wake up to a better day.

"Hey, baby girl, you awake this time?" he asked in a soft voice while softly moving hair away from my face with his fingers.

"Don't call me that, and what do you mean this time?" I groaned before opening my eyes to see him.

He looked so sad and broken, staring at me as if I were going to disappear. As he brought his hand down to cup my cheek, I flinched away from him. I felt the same electrical surge that bolts through my body every time he touched me.

He let his hand drop and sighed. His eyes held so much emotion as he looked at me. He was completely defeated, and it made my heart ache all over again.

"What the fuck have I done to you?" he whispered sadly to himself, shaking his head back and forth in complete dismay.

I could feel the tears stinging at my eyes, but I couldn't let them fall. It was killing me that I was so obviously hurting and upsetting him, but I couldn't just go back to the way things were before. It would destroy me.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and the tears, didn't know how to answer him, so I chose to ignore it and repeat my previous question. "What did you mean am I awake this time?"

"You had a panic attack last night and collapsed; I brought you up to bed and have been by your side all night. You were pretty restless and tossed back and forth a lot. You started to wake a few times before drifting off again. I cuddled beside you for a while and that calmed you down, but after what happened in the bathroom, I didn't think you'd appreciate me being so close to you. I didn't want you going having another panic attack. It's not good for you."

"Yeah, I know it's not good for the baby," I replied, sighing at his main concern.

"I didn't say that. I said it's not good for you. It was you I was worried about Bella, not the baby. The baby was actually the furthest thing from my mind and that might make me the shittiest father on the planet right now, but I don't care. It was you I was worried about. You scared the living daylights out of me last night, Bella"

"I'm sorry," I answered lamely.

"Does the thought of being with me repulse you that much now?" he asked sadly.

I scoffed angrily at him. "You're kidding right?"

He looked at me perplexed, as if I were some type of puzzle.

"No, actually I'm not. I was trying to be with you, make love to you, and you had a full scale panic attack because of it."

"That's the problem right there Edward; you don't do that. You've never done that before that night. You have sex with me or you fuck me hard. You don't make love to me, and you never did before that night."

I sat up in the bed, crossing my arms over my chest, feeling as if I needed to hold myself together.

"That's not true, Bella."

"Yes, Edward, it is. We don't make love. The one time we did scared the shit out of you, and quite frankly it didn't work out so well for me either."

"I do make love to you, Bella. You're my wife; of course I do"

"No, Edward, you don't! You have sex with me. It's completely different. Sex comes from lust and want. Making love comes from need. The connection was so deep and different. That night in the kitchen, I was so totally consumed by you. You were everywhere, but at the same time it didn't feel like enough. The whole world fell away, and all I could see, hear, and feel, was you. A bomb could have exploded, and I wouldn't have noticed. The atmosphere was so thick between us. How the fuck you never feel the electric charge that pulses between us every time our skin touches I'll never know. It's never been like that before Edward, and you know it. You even had to ask me after what the fuck had just happened. I know you care for me, Edward. You always have and you love me, but you've never been in love with me, and that's the difference. You can love me and have sex with me, but you can't make love to me and not be in love with me. We tried it that night, and it's destroyed us. I can't let that happen again."

I got out of the bed and headed over to my dresser, grabbing my clothes to start the day and get some distance from him. He figured out what I was doing though and called me on it.

"So that's it? You say your piece and then run away again?" he spat at me. I stopped rooting around in my dresser and turned to face him.

"I'm not running away. I didn't run away before either. You avoided me until I had to go to work, then all of a sudden you wanted me around."

"That's bullshit, Bella, and you know it. You ran away like you always do when shit gets tough. It's your trademark move. You did it when you heard about our parents' arrangement contract, you did it when your grandmother died, you did it on our honeymoon, you did it after that night in the kitchen, you did it in New York, and you sure as hell did it with the baby!" he shouted aggravating me to no end.

"What the fuck are you talking about? The only time I've run away was when my grandmother died. I didn't run any of those other times. I was there in person, or I was working!"

"You where there in body, Bella, not spirit. You shut people out. When you heard about our arrangement contract, you smiled. You were polite and spoke when spoken to but you weren't there, not really."

"I was was sixteen, Edward. What did you expect? One day I thought I had every option in the world then found out my life had already been planned for me. It took a little getting used to."

"Our honeymoon, you avoided me like the plague. You kept coming up with activities to keep us busy or within the confines of a group setting. As if spending anytime alone with me would have been the worst thing in the world."

"I thought that was what you wanted. You don't love me, Edward! What was the point in having a normal honeymoon when you aren't a normal couple? You were forced to marry me; I wasn't going to force you into anything else!" I screamed at him.

He jumped up from his seat and stalked toward me looking pissed. He cornered me against the wall, putting both his hands on either side of my head and leaning in so we were face to face.

"You know for someone so smart, you can be pretty fucking dense sometimes," he spat.

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" I spat back at him, trying to convince myself and him that I wasn't as scared as I truly was.

"It may have been an arrangement, Bella, but it wasn't exactly a hardship on my part. You make it sound as if me being married to you is the worst thing that's ever happened to me."

"Isn't it? Don't you think you deserve something more than a best friend to fuck every once in a while? isn't that why you came up with your own little _arrangement _with me, Edward?"

"Have I ever put that _arrangement_ into affect?"

"I don't know, Edward, have you?"

"You know fine fucking well that I haven't, Bella. We agreed if anything happened we would tell the other. I made the _arrangement_ because you didn't seem into this. I could quite happily live the rest of my life with what we have, but you wanted more than that. I got it, I understood it, it was never about me."

"It was never about me either, Edward. The only person I ever wanted was you. _The arrangement_ was set up for you."

"Why would I need that _arrangement_ when I'm married to you, Bella?"

By this time our breaths were heavy and shuddering from shouting in each other's faces. The atmosphere between us was stifling, and I knew he felt it when he moved his body closer to mine.

"Why would I need someone else when I have a wife like you? huh Bella? You're so smart, caring, and funny. You're so fucking beautiful and you don't even realize it. Your body is so sinful, long creamy legs, curved hips that fit perfectly in my grasp, for me to grab onto as I'm moving inside you. Goddamn perfect breasts that fit in my hand like they were made for me. That neck so delicate and soft and tastes so good when I kiss it."

He moved his hand over each part of me body as he spoke about them, making me tremble. Then his hand found my face and cupped it, so I was looking directly into his eyes.

"These big brown eyes, which if I look close enough, I get lost in them." He brought his face down and rubbed his nose against my own.

"And that mouth of yours, so multitalented. Constantly surprising me with what you say, the many different smiles you make with it. That pout you do or when you bite your bottom lip with that innocent look on your face. It drives me to fucking distraction constantly, and the thought of it wrapped around my cock leaves me fucking breathless, Bella."

He leaned in and kissed me, forcing his tongue into my mouth and holding me there forcefully but still tenderly.

"But most of all, it's the taste of your lips that makes that mouth so fucking dangerous. Constantly tastes like strawberries because of that lip balm you always use; it's my second favorite taste in the world."

He kissed me again then started trailing kisses down my body.

I knew deep down I should stop this. It was only going to hurt us in the end, but I couldn't seem to get my mouth to agree with the message my brain was sending.

He reached my collarbone but let his hands move to the seam of my t shirt, where he very delicately started to lift it.

I froze slightly.

I knew he hadn't seen my stomach yet. I could still feel my bra on, so I knew when he put me to bed all he had done was remove my jeans. He may have felt it last night when he held me, but he hadn't seen it yet, and I was slightly scared of what his reaction would be.

He tore the top off over my head and dropped it to the floor, leaving me in a matching dark blue lace bra and panties. He looked me over and licked his lips slowly as he started his route down my body again with his mouth. He unclasped my bra and wrapped his mouth around my right nipple which was sticking out begging for attention.

My body was betraying my mind, but I couldn't help it. All I could do was watch as he lavished my nipple with his tongue. Bringing his hand to my left one, pulling and twisting at it softly, he sent jolts of need straight through me.

I knew what he was doing. He was trying to finish what he had started last night, but now I'm at a loss to stop it.

He continued with my other nipple, brandishing the same attention on it, being slow and sensual before he began kissing down to my stomach. He was taking his time with me trying to show he cared.

When he reached the teeny tiny bump, I heard a small sharp intake of breath. It looked no more than my normal stomach would if I were bloated, but he also knew every inch of my body, so he noticed the slight difference. He kissed all over the small bump, being tender and loving, bringing the tears back to my eyes. He looked up at me, into my eyes, as he began to speak to me again.

"You said the last time we made love scared the shit out of me and didn't work out so well for you either. You were right, Bella, it did scare me. I didn't know we could be that intense together, I didn't know you trusted me enough to let yourself go so completely, but it did work out for us, Bella. We made this."

He placed his hands over my bump while kissing it or caressing my abdomen with his nose. He shut his eyes and looked so serene for a moment as if everything in the world was right and made sense, and I supposed for him, in that moment in time, It did.

"You don't know that." I managed to whisper out in a strangled weak voice.

"I do, Bella; I felt it, and your appointment today will confirm it. I felt it, Bella. We made this little person that night, this little mixture of you and me together. When I heard what Vicky said I was terrified, but then an image of a little girl came to my mind, a fleeting thought, but our little girl, Bella, and she was so beautiful. She had long curly hair like yours, but it was my coloring, my nose and chin and your beautiful eyes, your small pouting lips and sweet serene voice calling _daddy _to me." He kissed my stomach for a long moment and caressed it tenderly as if it were the most fragile thing on the planet.

"I wasn't sure at the moment if you were Bella, but I knew I wanted that. I kept thinking to myself if you weren't that I was going to fix us, make us right again then make you pregnant as soon as possible. I wanted it so badly in that moment, Bella. Not only that, I want it with you," he said finally looking up at me again.

The silent tears were streaming down my face, and I couldn't stop them. I wanted so badly to believe that he felt for me as strongly as I did for him, but I couldn't. Yes, he cared. Yes, he loved me and accepted this life with me. But he wasn't _in _love with me. He could successfully live, breathe, and function without me if he had to. I couldn't. I barely lived, breathed, or functioned. Our time apart had proven that. If I walked away tomorrow he would be alright, he would move on and make a new life. Where as all I knew, I would be stuck in a purgatory.

He started kissing my stomach again and moving his hands to my waist to grab onto my panties before beginning to trail them down my legs.

"Knowing that I've done this to you, Bella, turns me on so fucking much. I did this. I made you pregnant. I put a piece of myself inside of you, and it's growing there for all to see. You said it yourself that night, Bella. You asked me to watch you take me into you, and I did. I came hard inside you, spilling everything I had, and you took it like you always do but this time I stayed there. You kept a piece of me; it's like I'm some fucking caveman laying claim to you. You're mine, and this is my proof. I did this to you. I've marked you and made you mine in the most primal way, and it is such a fucking turn on to me!"

I couldn't help but moan at the words he was saying to me. They were so possessive and needy. I could literally feel myself trembling and shaking with want for him.

I was so turned on and all I wanted was to rub them together to get some much needed friction, but Edward had his knees in between my feet. He started to move his knees slightly so I would open my legs for him. He kissed further down my bump then across my hip bone, torturing me, knowing where I needed him but avoiding it.

"God, Bella, I can smell you, so fucking sweet. I could literally sit with my head on your lap and smell you, especially after you've come for me."

His nose was very lightly touching my clit. I was so turned on the very light touch of his nose made my hips jerk, and when he took a deep breath in and released it through his mouth across my clit, I had very nearly come. He inhaled me again, placing his tongue on me, flattening his entire tongue against me starting from my slit and working slowly up to my clit. He was holding my ass so he could move me anyway he wanted.

Because that one tiny action made me come—hard; my head fell back against the wall, and I grasped onto nothing but the wall space around me as I trembled and shook through my orgasm. My knees felt weak, and I thought for a second they were going to give but they didn't.

"Did you just come, baby girl?" he asked in a sexy, husky tone. He repeated the action and groaned loudly sending vibrations through me again.

"Fuck, you did. You're so fucking wet, baby girl. This is my all time favorite taste in the world, Bella. Having you in my mouth, on my tongue, making you come and tasting it is amazing baby."

He grabbed my knee and lifted it over his shoulder and started licking and caressing me with his tongue again. He brought his right hand away from my ass and brought it around and slowly pushed his fingers into me.

He continued worshiping my clit with his tongue and bringing his fingers in and out of me slowly, curving them so they'd hit that spot deep inside me that only he seemed to know existed. I could feel myself starting to come undone again, and when he realized I was, he removed his finger and pushed his tongue into me full force, sending me flying over the edge. Every bone in my body seemed liquefied, and it was literally his strength holding me up against the wall.

Sometime during my post coital bliss, Edward had removed his jogging bottoms and was now standing before me in all his naked glory. He had moved my leg from his shoulder down to his hip and was now leaning his rock hard cock against me, causing me to whimper. He held my leg in his hand, splaying it over my whole thigh as he leaned his forehead against my own, breathing heavily with me.

"You say I don't feel our connection, but I do Bella!"

With that he pushed into me with the ease that he always had, having nothing left in me to protest. He groaned, shutting his eyes tightly, and mashed his mouth together. He finally opened his eyes and looked mine. It was so intense I couldn't look away.

It was as if the world had disappeared all over again, He had me against our bedroom wall and was holding me so tenderly, yet commandingly. There was barely a centimeter of space between our bodies, and he was deep inside me, and for a brief second everything felt right in the world.

"Why would I need anything else when I have this with you?" He began to move slowly and with purpose in and out of me, filling me repeatedly.

"Why would I...need anything...when you fit...so fucking perfect around me? You're so tight… it feels fucking amazing, every time. I'm the only man who's felt this, baby girl. Do you have any idea how smug and proud that makes me? I took your virginity, Bella...I've marked you...as mine! In so many ways... how could you think I'd need anything else?" He moved so sensually inside me and breathed out his sweet words into my face, looking me in the eye, compelling me to believe everything he was telling me but I can't.

His eyes gave him away. He was making love to my body, but he was still confused about everything happening between us. There was confusion swimming in his eyes.

"Because... You're not... Ugh... You're not in love with me. You don't understand. You won't until you're in love with someone. Then you'll know and feel the difference." I closed my eyes unable to look at him anymore. It hurt.

"Don't, Bella!" He slammed into me forcefully causing my eyes to spring wide open and moan loudly at the increased shot of pleasure it brought. We had role played in the past, so I recognized his domineering tone of voice. He wanted to control this; he wanted to prove this to me, so he tried to be the master over me. I knew he'd never physically hurt me though.

"Don't shut me out, Bella... Look at me... I'm here... I'm making love to you! My wife, mother of my future child...stop running from me!" He slammed into me repeatedly in between each phrase he spouted. I could feel his anger, and it finally broke me.

"I can't!" I cried out with tears streaming down my face.

He looked deep into my eyes and slowed his pace again, making slow but powerful movements. He knew I was trapped physically and mentally. He was trapping me and making me face this; it was going to obliterate me.

"Why, Bella?" he asked.

"Stop, just stop, let me go." I tried to push away from him, but he wouldn't let me go.

He pushed my back into the wall and forced himself against me pushing his cock deeper into me. We both moaned loudly at the sensation, but then the fight began again.

He let go of my leg and grabbed both my hands pinning them to the wall above my head. I knew if I wasn't trying to run from him and I really one hundred percent didn't want this, he would have stopped. He'd never force himself on me like that, but he knew I was trying to avoid this.

I was running, and this was the only way he knew to weaken me enough to cause me to stop.

Once he managed to secure both my hands in his right one, he put his left one back over my leg bringing it over his hip again.

"Don't force me, Bella. Don't push me away. Stop running!" He pulled almost all the way out of me and forced himself back in as I clenched hard around him. It was unexpected and sent my mind and body into a tailspin.

I vaguely saw him gritting his teeth and heard him whimpering slightly as he let out a strangled whisper. "Love feeling you come on me..." He gritted his teeth together and stood completely still letting me ride out my orgasm with him buried deep inside me. "Squeezing me so fucking hard... Can't come yet...not done yet... Fuck!"

When I stopped pulsing around him, he opened his eyes and looked straight into mine.

"Stop running from me, please, Bella" he begged then started moving slowly and tenderly inside me again. I felt myself give in to him. I couldn't hold it anymore.

My hips were pushing into him, needing this connection, needing him to make love to me and actually mean it. I wanted this more than I could bear to admit. He knew I was giving up the fight and let go of my hands; he placed his hand against the side of my neck, cupping it tenderly.

"Why did you run from me, that night? You told me, Bella...you said you loved me, you gave yourself to me, you gave me everything... Then you ran before I could fix it. Why, Bella?" He pleaded with me in a breathy tone while making love to my body. I couldn't hold back anymore.

"Because... Because...you have the power to destroy me, Edward. You always have." I whimpered pathetically.

"How long Bella?" he groaned out.

I could feel from his jerky movements that he was getting close. I knew what he was asking, so I tried to distract him by squeezing him. He stopped moving and remained still.

"Don't, Bella. Tell me please!"

"Six years," I whispered moving my head down so my forehead touched his chest.

He tilted my head up to look at him. His eyes were sad, and it broke my heart even more. I saw a slight sense of pity in his eyes. _He felt sorry for me?_

"You've been in love with me for six years?" he whispered to me.

"Yes."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you don't feel the same way for me."

"It doesn't mean I don't have feelings for you, Bella. I can try harder to show you," he pleaded with me as he began to move once again.

There was purpose behind his strokes now; he was trying to prove to both of us that this could be what he wanted it to be.

"No, you can't, Edward. You can't force it; you would have felt it by now if...you were ever going to love me." I whimpered as his strokes took me higher.

"I do love you, Bella!" He was breathing heavy and jerking with his movements again.

I needed to finish this. I knew this was it; we were done. There was nothing left to say after this.

I grabbed his hand in mine and brought it to my other leg. He quickly lifted me so both of my legs were wrapped around him, the penetration so much deeper this way. I then brought my hands to his face and cradled it towards me.

He needed to know I meant every word I was about to say.

"I know you do, Edward, but it's not enough. You're not _in love_ with me. I don't own your heart, not like I love you, not like you own my heart. I'm so in love with you, Edward!" I whispered tearfully then kissed him with as much passion as I could muster.

My words seemed to break the dam he had been holding back. As I spoke those last words, he thrust into me deeper than before and came hard triggering my own orgasm once again.

My body and mind were a mess, but then again four mind-shattering, intense orgasms and a broken heart will do that to you.

He slid us down the wall until he was kneeling on the floor. We were still connected. I was still wrapped around him, and we were still kissing each other, savoring the last few moments. We both knew it wouldn't happen again. It would destroy us if it did. He knew he couldn't fake this with me because it would kill me. We would probably still sleep together and fuck, it would take time to get back to that place but we would eventually. But we would never make love again.

He slowed his kiss until he was kissing me so softly I barely felt it. Lifting his head away from mine he looked at me and moved my hands so they were over his shoulders gripping his back. Then he moved his own to hold my back so he was hugging me tightly to him.

"I feel the connection, Bella. That was so intense how could I not. I do love you!" he said with conviction, then he placed his head onto my shoulder and mumbled into my neck "I could fall in love with you, Bella…"

I snapped my eyes shut as tears started streaming down my face. It wasn't fair to either of us. If he didn't feel it by now then he never would, but at least I knew he tried. He tried to love me the way I wanted him to, and for that I would be eternally grateful.

"No, you couldn't, Edward, but thank you for trying."

We clung to each other for a minute as I cried all my pain out and he took it from me, regretful that he couldn't do more. Once there were no more tears to cry, we slackened our hold on each other, stole one more tender loving kiss, and then we disconnected from each other and this beautiful moment.

We both showered and got ready before heading to the hospital for my appointment.


	6. Ch 6  Went Off With A Bang

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 6** - Went Off With A Bang

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><p>The ObGyn confirmed Edward's declarations from earlier this morning. Our baby was conceived that night in the kitchen.

I had to force myself to believe it was from when he fucked me on the kitchen table. If I believed as he did that our baby was conceived when we made love, I'd have had mental breakdown and become seriously unhinged. I was barely hanging on by a thread as it was.

The doctor did a scan. We saw our baby for the first time and heard its heartbeat. I was thirteen weeks and two days. We both cried but for different reasons. He was crying tears of happiness, pride, and love for our baby. I was crying for other reasons, though some of my tears were of love for my baby.

_I love my baby, I swear I do._

Knowing that this little thing was going to give me unconditional love made me love this little life even more. I would have someone in my life who would love and need me as much as I needed them.

But I resented the baby to a degree as well. I could see from the look on Edward's face as the doctor continued the scan, he loved our unborn baby wholeheartedly. I watched his whole face light up, a sparkle and excitement in his eyes that I had never seen before now. Not once in all the time I had known him had he ever looked at me or acted that way around me before. He loved his child truly and undoubtedly. He would always love the baby, and I felt guilty for being resentful of that love. I was going to have a front row seat to his genuine love for our baby while I remained his _best friend_.

The doctor told me in a sickly, sweet, condescending tone, that I had put myself and the baby at risk by being irresponsible and not coming in sooner. She said if I hadn't had a husband who worked in the hospital and father-in-law who more or less ran it, she wouldn't have been able to squeeze me in today, so according to her I was lucky.

Her tone was unwelcome and made me feeling like hitting her.

She also told me I was out of the danger zone where miscarriages where concerned. I was in my second trimester and should start to feel better soon. She told me what foods to stay away from, gave me a book about pregnancy, and told me what to expect in the coming months.

She blushed bright crimson and batted her eyelashes at Edward when she mentioned the boost in sex drive during pregnancy. She was smiling through the whole appointment. Edward was smiling through the whole appointment, and I was not.

I was numb.

We stopped by Edward's office so he could collect his messages and some paperwork he wanted to complete at home. I barely noticed Jessica due to still being stuck in my own head. It wasn't until she squealed congratulations right next to my ear while hugging Edward that even I looked at her. Of course once she noticed she finally had my attention, she got a shit eating grin on her face that had my breakfast making a reappearance in my throat. She informed us that Tanya Denali had dropped by not only last night but also this morning to see Edward. She told Edward that Tanya didn't want anything important. just to catch up.

I could only scowl at her sheer delight at making sure I knew this little bit of information.

I knew what she was doing. She wanted me to doubt my husband. I couldn't help but smirk slightly to myself thinking if she knew the truth about our relationship and agreement, it would wipe that smug looking grin off of her face.

Once we had left the hospital, Edward was silent. He held my hand the whole car ride home. He had never done that before, and I wasn't sure how to handle it. He wasn't ever very touchy feely or affectionate with me in the past, so for him to have been acting that way, after everything that had happened, was a little upsetting and forced. Was he doing this now because the shit had finally hit the fan? For the baby? Or because he actually cared? He squeezed my hand every now and then to pull me out of my own head and to try to get a response that I just wasn't prepared to give yet. It wasn't until we reached home that he asked me when I wanted to tell people.

I already knew Rose had suspected for the last week or so, and eventually she would mention this suspicion to Alice. I told him we could invite everyone over for dinner and tell them. I gave a weak smile, hoping he thought the idea of telling everyone excited me slightly, even if things between us weren't right at this exact moment in time.

To be honest, I just wanted it over and done with so I could get back to wrapping my own head around the subject. I had such conflicting feelings, loving and resenting this little person who was no bigger then half a banana. I did love our baby. I was shocked to be pregnant, but as soon as I heard the heartbeat and saw the little body on the screen, I knew I loved this little life so much.

But I couldn't help the jealousy and resentment either when I saw all the emotions Edward's eyes held every time he gazed at my stomach. I felt like the worst mother on the planet who deserved nothing more than to be sent to hell. The baby was the most innocent soul in all of this mess, and yet my emotions were causing me to be resentful of it's very existence one minute to wanting it more than anything the next.

_I'm so going to hell._

Edward decided we should announce the pregnancy at the Fourth of July celebration party, that way all the family and friends would be together including the Denali family, Carlisle and Esme's oldest friends. Food had been prepared by our guests and brought over to our house to add to what we had made. We were supposed to grill outside then sit on the patio to eat our meal and enjoy the fireworks display over the lake at the bottom of our garden. Our town put on a display every year for the local owners and usually it was beautiful and perfect. This year I just wanted it over. Everyone sat together at the table. I think they all knew but were waiting for the announcement. Edward was beaming but tried to delay things by talking about our upcoming anniversary in a month.

Yeah, exactly what I wanted to be reminded of while things were still so strained between us. I wasn't exactly in the mood for any type of celebration for that event. I didn't see the point in celebrating.

Everyone at the table was talking and making suggestions except Tanya, me, and surprisingly Esme. She kept staring between the two of us alternating looks. For me, it was concern and curiosity; for Tanya it seemed to be contempt. I couldn't understand why Esme was looking at her like that. I had never known Esme to be like that with anyone before. I concluded something must have been said or done at the dinner they all went to last week to cause her to be so hostile. Tanya didn't notice; she had her head down playing with her food, looking as uncomfortable as I was.

Eventually Edward stopped stalling and announced our good news. My mother cheered and cried as did Esme, but I knew when Esme looked at me, she could see through me She looked as if she knew what I was thinking .

Everyone was congratulating us and wishing us well while I tried to smile and act like this was everything I had ever wanted. It wasn't until I heard the chair screech and saw Edward sadly staring at Tanya's shocked face that I realized that there was a problem.

"What?" she asked quietly looking completely shocked as if she couldn't believe what she was hearing.

"We're pregnant," he replied quietly, and for the first time, he didn't sound as happy or excited about it as he had before.

"You're pregnant?" she repeated, and then turned her head to look at me.

"Yes, we are," Edward replied, coming over to put his arm around my back.

"You actually slept with her?" she said, starting to sound angry.

"That's not really an appropriate question, Tanya," her mother, Carmen, said in a slightly annoyed tone while still looking sympathetically at her daughter.

"Its fine, Carmen. Of course I have. Bella's my wife, Tanya."

"Yeah, by an arranged marriage," she spat.

"That doesn't matter," Edward replied, stiffening next to me.

"Of course it does, Edward. You don't love her," she said angrily. I could feel the tears burning behind my eyes. If she could see it, so could everyone else. They knew he wasn't _in_ love me.

"Excuse me, but who the hell are you to comment on my daughter and son-in-law's marriage?" my mother asked hotly.

"Obviously no one important," she voiced, looking upset at Edward. I knew that look; I wear that look. In her eyes, he was rejecting her.

"You made that choice, Tanya, not me," Edward said back quietly, looking so disheartened by his statement. All I could do was cringe and put my head down to avoid everyone's gaze. I knew she had been his first love and that they had split up just before our arrangement was finalized. What I hadn't realized was that he still cared for her so much, after all this time.

"No, I didn't, Edward. Excuse me everyone." With that she threw her napkin on the table and rushed out the door. I stood numb not knowing what to say or do. It wasn't until Edward let me go and excused himself to go after her that I came back to the land of the living.

Rose, Emmett, Jasper, and Alice looked shocked. Kate, Garrett, Irina, and Laurent looked uncomfortable. My mother was trying to figure everything out. My father and Carlisle were scowling after Edward. Carmen and Eleazar looked after their daughter sympathetically then to me as if I was Satan, and Esme was furious.

I could see her raring to explode. She knew something was going on; Esme always seemed to know everything.

"Would someone like to explain to me what the hell just happened," Charlie asked to the room.

"It would seem that Edward and Bella are expecting a baby, and a dear friend of our family hasn't taken the news very well." Carlisle tried to diplomatically explain.

"Cut the bullshit, Carlisle. Your son has just ruined one of the most important days of his and Bella's life, and you know it," Esme seethed while everyone looked on in bewilderment. Esme never cussed.

Never.

"Esme..."

"No, Carlisle, this has gone on long enough. I will not stand for it anymore. He can't play with people like this, and neither can she."

"I know darling," he said, looking sadly at her then me.

"He knew she would take the news badly. You saw how they were at dinner the other night," Eleazar said, clearly angry and scowling at me as if all of this was my fault, causing Esme, my mother and father all to growl at him, literally.

The words registered in my head. "You saw how they were at dinner the other night" repeated again and again in a constant cycle. It confirmed my earlier suspicions of Esme's behavior toward Tanya, but worse than that, it sent a feeling of sickness to the pit of my stomach. What the hell had happened between them that night? It was obviously bad enough to make Esme act so out of character and make Edward conflicted over Tanya's feelings about the pregnancy. All I could think was that I was his wife, but somehow I had become the other woman, and everyone knew it but me. All my families' faces had a look of pity on them, pity for me.

It made me feel sick to my stomach.

I excused myself and spent an hour puking in the bathroom between sobs, after which I lay on my bed in the guest room and stared out of the window. I didn't care that I had guests in my house; I had to be alone.

I heard the front door open and close a few times, people obviously coming or going, I wasn't sure of which. I had heard some shouting but didn't really pay attention. All I could concentrate on was the full moon and fireworks lighting up my window.

Time passed, I didn't know how long, but I eventually heard the front door again then footsteps on the stairs. I could tell it was him because he went to our room first, obviously thinking I would be dumb enough to go there. He came to my door and opened it slowly. I had my back to him and didn't acknowledge his presence.

"Bella?" he whispered.

When I didn't reply, he came over and sat on the opposite edge of the bed. My back was still to him, so he must have thought I was asleep.

"I don't know what I'm doing, Bella. I'm so confused. I am happy, of course I am, but you're right. I'm holding back, and I didn't think I knew why until tonight," he said quietly.

"She was so fun when we were younger, always smiling and laughing. Then we met you, and she knew straight away that you were a threat. She knew about the agreement, obviously, but she knew it hadn't been fully decided on and wouldn't be until you were eighteen. She was everything that is different from you, having you both in my life was like the best of both worlds. I got my smart, stable, and reliable best friend whom I had so much in common with. We had this effortless relationship. But with her, it was completely different, a full one eighty from you. She could take me to the highest highs and lowest lows."

I closed my eyes letting the tears fall onto my pillow. I knew what he was saying without him actually saying it.

She was adventurous, I was predictable.

She was stunning, I was plain.

She was everything he could dream of, I was the safe choice.

She was his choice, I wasn't.

"Leave," I choked out

"Bella? Are you awake? Are you okay? Why are you in here?" Edward started ranting, panicking that I had heard him.

"Leave."

"Bella, please?" Edward pleaded with me.

"Leave Goddammit!" I screamed while throwing myself up to look him in the eye. He looked terrified.

"Bella, please, calm down. I'm sorry."

"Leave! Get out! Leave me the fuck alone!" I continued to scream

"Okay, I'll leave, Bella." He got up, quickly heading for the door only to pause as he was closing it.

"I'm so sorry, baby girl." Then I was surrounded by the flashes of light from the fireworks coming through the window and only the sound of my sobbing to keep me company.


	7. Ch 7  Done, So Done

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 7** - Done, So Done.

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><p><strong>Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 7<strong> - Done, So Done.

The days and weeks passed. Edward and I fell into a routine after my mini meltdown. I had decided the morning following the Fourth of July festivities to act as if nothing had happened. I just couldn't face it. Edward looked at me as if I were crazy when I acted nice to him over breakfast, but then understanding came over his face when he realized what I was doing.

I was running.

Not physically but mentally.

He knew he didn't have a leg to stand on in terms of helping me. How could he? He was the one who had broken me, so he just went along with my pretending everything was okay, but I could see in his eyes that my pretending was killing him.

I didn't care.

It was his turn to feel some of the pain.

He was so attentive, sweet and doting with me when people were around. To the outside world it was almost easy to believe that we were a normal, newlywed, expecting couple.

Almost.

He tried to push things, to make them the way they were before, but I resisted. He could adore our bump, he could be on civil, friendly terms with me, but I couldn't ever allow it to go back to what it had been before. We still had separate rooms, and I was keeping it that way. Although there were times at night when I was asleep, I could almost still feel his arms around me.

Esme had also been hovering quiet a lot as well; although it was me she was following around and was almost avoiding any contact with Edward. Any time he was around her, she seemed very disengaged with him. I tried to talk to her about her about her attitude with Edward but she assured me that everything was fine. They were talking, but she was more concerned about me and her grandbaby.

I was now twenty weeks, and you could tell by looking at me that I was pregnant. I had a proper, wee baby bump which everyone seemed to adore, including Edward. When he looked at the bump was the only time I saw a smile that reached his eyes anymore.

I was still a little conflicted, but I couldn't help but love the little person who was growing inside me. We had gone in for our Ultrasound at eighteen weeks. We saw the baby actually look like a baby, kicking about and sucking its thumb. It made it all the more real and really hit home that I was going to be a mum. This baby was the only thing I really had left that was mine.

It's also the week of our anniversary party and official baby announcement; although everyone with eyesight could obviously see I was pregnant. It had been our anniversary the week before, August 13th.

Rose was getting me ready for the big night. She had curled my hair, fixed my make up, and put me into a dark blue empire waist dress with flat matching shoes. I actually looked pretty. I was trying to relax before facing the crowd, but I could feel the tension rolling off of Rose in waves. Everyone had been acting a little touchy, and I wasn't sure why.

"Rose, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," she squeaked far too quickly.

"Rose" I warned.

"Nothing, Bella," She was avoiding eye contact: something big was going on.

"Rose, please don't send me into the lion's den unprepared. I can't take the stress," I said, rubbing my baby bump fondly.

She looked at me with such pain in eyes and whispered, "The Denali's are coming tonight, all of them."

I sucked in a breath; they hadn't been mentioned since that night. "Why?"

"Eleazar is part of the medical board at the hospital, so according to Carlisle, it would be bad form to invite everyone else and not him," she said avoiding my eyes.

"And who invited the rest of the family?" I asked quietly, though already knowing the answer.

"Bella," she said sounding like she wanted to cry.

"Please tell me," I begged, trying to hold it together

"Edward invited them," she whispered as all the air left my body. I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

"I'm so sorry Bella. He told Emmett that he's still friends with Laurent, Tanya's brother-in-law, and couldn't invite him and his wife, Irina, or their younger sister, Kate, without inviting her too."

I stood up from the makeup table and headed toward the door. I think Rose could see the determination in my eyes and wisely left me to my own devices. I thought for once in my life I wouldn't run, I'd face this, I'd confront him.

The party was in full swing and when I walked into the room. It felt like everyone knew my dirty little secret. I smiled politely to the people who were looking at me and started hunting down Edward with my eyes. I couldn't seem to find him anywhere.

I was heading toward the back porch when I was accosted by Emmett, Jasper, and Alice all talking a mile a minute about what an amazing party it was. I could tell they were stalling, trying to divert my attention from finding Edward. They hated theses stuffed shirt society parties as much as I did.

It wasn't until I forced my way between Alice and Jasper that I noticed they were trying to hide them from me. Edward was sitting out on the back porch swing with Tanya. It was our one year anniversary party, I was pregnant with his child, and he was sitting out on our porch swing with his high school sweetheart and, possibly, his true love.

It was like time stopped.

I didn't feel pain.

I didn't feel anger.

I didn't feel numb.

I felt acceptance.

She must have felt my stare because she looked up at me and smirked before taking his hand. It was only then that he looked up too and saw me. He spoke quickly to Tanya and then came rushing back inside to speak to me. He walked right up to me and cuddled into my side and kissed my head.

_Gotta keep up the appearances, you know._

"Bella, I can explain," he whispered into my hair.

I pulled back and looked at him. I patted his cheek with my right hand and then held his face in a caress before kissing him then moved my head to his right ear and whispered, "You don't have to, we're done."

I kissed him on the right cheek, pulled back from him altogether, and plastered a fake smile on my face while I walked away. He stood there stunned in silence while I started playing the dutiful hostess.

The party continued, and I was using people as my barrier from talking to anyone in our family or him. It wasn't until I ended up standing with Tanya's younger sister, Kate, and her fiancé, Garrett, that the subject got mentioned again.

"Bella, you look so beautiful; you're glowing," Kate gushed.

"Let's cut the formalities shall we. Tell your sister and your father they've won. They want him and all the luxury and status that the Cullen name provides? They've got it. I'm done." I had a fake smile plastered on my face while pretending to be passing pleasantries with her so as not to cause a scene, but Kate and Garrett both wore looks of utter shock, so it kind of defeated the purpose.

"No, Bella, please don't. Don't do this. Tanya is a spoiled little princess who only wants what she can't have. She never thought Edward would actually go through with your wedding. She thought he would pine for her until she was ready to settle down, and now that Dad's cut her off financially, she's trying to get her claws back into Edward. Dad is only going along with it because he thinks this will keep her away from his money. She'll lose interest the minute you walk, and you'll have destroyed your family and name for nothing." She begged me to understand, but when she looked in my eyes, I think she saw what had been staring at everyone for the past five months now.

Soulless eyes.

"I wouldn't say my self esteem, my confidence, and my life are nothing, Kate. He doesn't love me; he loves her, and everyone knows it."

"What about the baby?" Garrett said sadly guessing that my mind was all ready set.

"It'll be unconditionally loved in two homes by two separate parents," I said, getting upset. I gave them both a slightly watery smile before excusing myself.

I was heading toward the room we had shared before that eventful night in the kitchen, the night all of this had begun. I was going to grab my case. Edward had been missing half of the party and no one noticed, so I hoped I could do the same and get a head start on packing. As I got closer, I heard him arguing with Esme and Alice in our room. I snuck up to the door which had been left ajar and peeked through unnoticed. Edward looked as if he were disheveled compared to how he had looked earlier, while Esme and Alice were dressed to the nines. Edward was sitting hunched over our chair that was still sitting next to our bed while Esme and Alice stood in front of him, tag teaming him with questions and accusations. From where I was standing I could see a side view of all of them.

"What were you thinking, Edward? Are you trying to destroy her?" Alice demanded.

"Of course not."

"Then what could have possessed you to be doing any of this? Bella's carrying your child, Edward. It's not just her life you're putting at risk here," Esme said angrily.

"Stop being so dramatic, Mom," he sighed

"I'm not. This is killing her! Don't you realize that? It's killing her spirit. Have you looked in her eyes recently?"

"Of course I have, you don't think I can see what you see? Only I had the displeasure of seeing the light in her eyes die right in front of me. I know okay, I know," he huffed.

"I've already buried one of my babies. I refuse to bury not only my grandbaby, but my daughter as well," she replied coldly.

Everyone knew that Esme and Carlisle had had a stillborn baby boy four years after having Alice. It wasn't a subject greatly spoken about, but the family all knew and remembered. Edward's head shot up to look at her coldly.

"How can you even say that, Mom, even thinking that's sick," he stated harshly.

"Well that's what you're doing to her, Edward. You're killing her. You think I'm sick? I'm not the sick one here, Edward. I'm not the one torturing my pregnant wife over a nobody. The only reason I have even put up with her for so long is because of the relationship your father has with Eleazer"

"Tanya is not a nobody."

"Yes, she is. She only ever wants you when she can't have you, and she's proved it time and time again. Why do you think things were so volatile between you both when you were younger? It was a challenge for her. She'd start a fight and push you to the limit until you would break up then she'd have to think of another scheme to have you begging her back before some other girl would get near you," Alice interjected.

"That's not true," he replied angrily.

"Yes it is, Edward. Your father and I allowed your relationship with Tanya in high school because we figured everyone is entitled to have a school crush. When we saw the way you were together, we figured you would eventually grow out of it. When we realized that you weren't growing out of it and that you were serious about her, Your father and I gave you both the option of getting out of the agreement with the Swans to set up one with Carmen and Eleazar, remember?" He nodded his head sullenly while I dragged in a quiet, pain filled gasp. I knew I shouldn't be listening into this conversation, but this was something I had never been told before. My curiosity fuelled my desire to eavesdrop.

"It was right before Bella turned eighteen and was going to sign the contract. We realized how serious you were about Tanya and gave you both the option of signing a contract with the Denali's instead. It was Tanya who said no. She broke up with you. She wanted to spread her wings, go traveling, live the crazy life and sleep with as many people as she could. She didn't want to be some doctor's wife, at home with the babies. I know she broke your heart when she walked out on you. But it's what she does."

I had always suspected he still had feelings for her, especially recently since she had been home and sniffing around him. He had been crazy about her when we were younger, and it broke my heart repeatedly. I hadn't known that Tanya had broken up with him. He had told me it was a mutual decision, and they had parted as friends.

I also hadn't known the Cullen's had considered breaking the arrangement with my parents, although I had worried at the time they might. It had made me sick to my stomach, because by the time I was just about to turn eighteen and was supposed to be signing the contract, I had already been his best friend for two years and was in love with him for just as long.

"What happened with Tanya, Edward? On the Fourth of July when you went after her? Stupid move on your part by the way, just saying, but what happened?" Alice finished what she was saying almost timidly as if she didn't really want to know the answer.

"Nothing happened, Alice. I would never cheat on Bella."

"It's not cheating if it is part of your _arrangement_ though, right?" she spat at him sarcastically.

"Alice!" he scolded.

"What arrangement?" Esme asked, looking confused. Edward bowed his head, I guessed in shame. We never wanted our parents to know about our private life. Alice, on the other hand, looked vindicated and explains to her mother.

"Edward and Bella made an _arrangement_ for them to have _discreet_ affairs outside of their marriage. They figured Bella travels with her books, Edward works in the hospital in the city where nobody knows of our town's arranged marriages, so it would be easy to hide. The only catch is that they have to inform the each other if and when it happens, and to use protection. They also agreed to sleep together because that's what married people do, and they both have needs that need fulfilled, hence Bella's pregnancy."

Esme gasped in horror and looked at Edward as if she was ashamed of him. Alice smirked at Edward like a cat that got the canary. She knew her mother well, she had to have known that telling her something like this would cause trouble for him and didn't care. It pissed me off because she was supposed to be my best friend and yet didn't think for a second that I might mind her disclosing these details to Esme. She didn't stop to think that she was also putting me on the firing line with Edward.

"That's not what it was like, Alice. You should keep your mouth shut until you know all the details not just Bella's twisted ideas on things. I have not cheated on Bella ever, and I didn't ever intend to, but she has made it crystal clear tonight that she doesn't care and that we're done. I went after Tanya that night to demand she leave us alone. I shouted at her and demanded to know what her problem was. I told her of course I slept with Bella because she's my wife. I told her to stop coming around the hospital to see me, to stop phoning and texting me. I told her the only relationship I can have with her is friendship. I walked away from her and then spent the next hour and a half fending off all of you who more or less formed a line to tell me what a fucking idiot I am and how you all think I should be feeling." Edward was looking Alice straight in the eye with a hardened stare that made even me take a step back.

"We weren't trying to tell you how to feel, Edward. We are trying to help you realize that you really do love Bella. You're in love with her and refuse to admit it. I can see it in your eyes when you look at her: your whole face lights up when she walks in a room. You two are like magnets—when one moves so does the other. You told me you feel the tingles and shocks on your skin when you touch. What do you think that is, Edward?" Alice pleaded with him.

"But it's not the same as it was with Tanya"

"Yeah, because all you had with Tanya was passion and drama. No responsibilities, no job, no rules. You also had no time to yourself, no friends because she got jealous of everyone around you, no money because she spent it quicker than you made it and no peace and quiet from her constant shouting and bawling about everything. You were screaming one minute and making out hot and heavy the next. That's not a healthy relationship. Tanya's not the one, Edward."

"She could be, Alice. She's grown up so much. She came here tonight to apologize and to tell me that she wished me every happiness. She's been so different lately. She didn't even argue back the night of the Fourth." He sounded so brokenhearted.

"What about Bella, Edward? What about the baby?" Alice asked angrily

"We could work something out for the baby, and Bella will always be in my life. What I've felt with Tanya is different: it always has been. But I know I have feelings for Bella, too. It's just so confusing."

"No, it's not, Edward. Open your eyes and see what's right in front of you." Esme tried to rationalize.

"Tanya told me tonight that she loves me. She said she loves me enough to let me go and be happy with Bella if that's what I want, but she will always love and want me. She's never stopped; that's what's confusing me. I love both of them."

"Well then, let's imagine your life with Tanya shall we? What would happen after a long day at the hospital? When all you want to do is relax and all she wants to do is party? Who would look after the house while you were at work? Do your laundry? Make your dinner when you've been working a straight thirty-six hour shift? Because I can tell you right now, Tanya won't. She doesn't know how to and doesn't want to learn."

Esme stopped for a breath, but before Edward could even attempt to start answering, Alice continued where Esme had left off.

"What about holidays away? Would you rather go somewhere you'll enjoy or go to the party islands Tanya likes? A nice night out for you is dinner and a movie, for her it's bars and clubs. What about children? You've seen her around children; she doesn't even like them. Do you want this baby with Bella to be your only child? What happens when the baby's born and it's your weekend? Yes Edward, weekend because that's all you'll get. Do you really want to go five days a week without seeing your child? Missing all the important milestones because you're a part time dad? Tanya will avoid that baby like the plague and make it known that it is unwelcome." Alice nodded To Esme who took it as her sign to jump back in.

"Money, Edward? Does she even have any of her own left? Or is she planning on spending all of yours again? And last but certainly not least, Bella. Where does Bella fit into all of this? After all, she is the mother of your child. Is she just supposed to smile, go along with everything and pretend to be happy families for your sake? You honestly think she's even going to want you and Tanya in her life? Or that Tanya would be okay with you spending any time with Bella? Would she make Bella feel welcome in your home? If memory serves me, Tanya didn't like you spending time with anyone, even your own family."

Esme took a few steps forward until she was in front of him then knelt down to his level so they were eye to eye. She grasped his face in her hands, trying to get him to look at her before she began speaking

"If you leave Bella, you'll lose her altogether. No best friend, no nothing. She won't want anything to do with you again because you'll have broken her heart and more or less confirmed her own worse fears. That in your eyes, she never was and never will be good enough for you. I know you love her, Edward. Alice is right; you're trying to base your feelings on your experience of relationships. You think a true loving relationship has to be like yours and Tanya's because it's the only personal experience with a relationship that you have ever had."

"I'm not doing that," he muttered stubbornly

"Yes, you are. You refuse to acknowledge your feelings for Bella because they are real. Your relationship could be as strong as your father's and mine or Alice and Jasper's. Look at our relationship, Edward. Are we anything like the relationships you had with Tanya? No we're not. We are _now_ in healthy, stable, loving relationships. I want that for you so badly, baby. You have that with Bella; that's what you're feeling for her. It's the way I feel for your father and the way Alice feels for Jasper. You could have what we have and have your baby here every day as a family. Tanya broke your heart, and you're scared to give that power over to Bella in case she breaks it worse than Tanya did. But you're cutting your nose off to spite your face, Edward."

"I'm not; I just don't know what the hell to feel. And as far as the baby's concerned, I don't even think Bella wants it," he growled at them while pulling his face out of Esme's hands. Both Esme's and Alice's faces looked shocked by his outburst.

"What the hell are you talking about? She loves that baby!" Alice all but screamed at him.

"No, she resents _my_ baby," Edward stated as if it were common knowledge. I was shocked he knew that and suddenly terrified about how he was going to use the information. I didn't miss how he had called the baby his instead of ours; it scared me that he might take the baby away from me. I caressed my baby bump lightly for reassurance; I needed to know the small life was still there with me and the little person inside needed to know I wanted him or her.

"What? No she doesn't," Alice said sounding scared

"She talks in her sleep, Alice; she said she resented my baby because of me."

"You've seen her with your own eyes, Edward. She's constantly covering her bump with her hands, adoring and protecting it. She's been picking out names and talking about nursery themes. Does that sound like someone who doesn't love and want their baby, Edward? Just because she said that doesn't mean she meant it." Alice tried to defend me

"The hell it doesn't," he stated angrily while pulling his hair.

"Actually it doesn't, Edward," Esme stated calmly, still kneeling in front of Edward with her head down.

"How would you know?" he spat at her.

She fidgeted with her hands on her lap for a moment before taking a deep breath and looking up into Edward's eyes.

"I know because I was the same. It was you I resented, Edward." I could see from the look in her eyes she wasn't lying, and Edward looked as if someone had just slapped him in the face.

"What?" Alice asked quietly while silent tears streamed down her face.

"I have loved you from the moment I found out about you, Edward, but I resented you throughout nearly my entire pregnancy. I was young, only just turned eighteen and was married to a complete stranger. Then within three months of being married I was expecting a baby. I resented you because I didn't know how to handle it. I felt like my life was being lived for me by other people's decisions, but mostly it was from the love and adoration your father gave to our unborn child when I was pregnant. I needed to feel wanted, loved, and appreciated, but I just felt like an oven for his baby. We were strangers; we didn't know each other, and it wasn't until after you were born and my baby blues kicked in that we got the air cleared. I told him everything. he told me he was holding back to give me space to come to terms with all the changes in my life"

"God, I don't even know what to think anymore," Edward sighed.

"I always have and always will love you, and I love that you brought my husband closer to me. Why do you think we insisted on you guys meeting your partners before the agreements were finalized? It was so you would know them, but also so if you were unhappy, we could change the plans. We wanted different for you than what we had. I don't regret how we started, but at the same time, it was hard on me knowing that he loved you and only cared for me. I felt like I didn't matter in the scheme of things. I was the baby oven and the trophy wife. Now try and imagine how Bella must be feeling. I wasn't in love with your father at that point in our marriage, yet I felt unappreciated. She loves you with her entire heart but feels inferior and second to your unborn child because you love it like she thinks you'll never love her. You imagine living with something like that and tell me you wouldn't feel a little resentful," Esme said, sternly toward the end. I tried to hold back the sobs working their way up from my chest so I wouldn't be found listening in.

"Don't forget to factor in the hormones bouncing all around the place and the fact that she's pregnant and can't touch or have sex with her husband. Talk about feeling unwanted." Alice surmised sadly wiping her face.

"She won't let me near her," Edward huffed out.

"Do you blame her, Edward? After everything that's happened recently with you two. And of course she knows that Tanya's been sniffing around, paying you unwanted attention. Jessica was only too happy to mention it after the doctor's appointment," Alice huffed back.

"It's not as if I could help it, Alice. Jessica's not from here. She lives in the city and has no idea about my marriage to Bella being arranged. She was just trying to push Bella's buttons, but as far as workwise she hasn't done anything wrong. I've put complaints in with the hospital's human resources department about her, but they Jessica disliking my wife was not a work related issue. Her lying and making snide comments to Bella aren't enough reason for them to fire her as long as she's doing her job at the hospital correctly," he told her in a defeated tone.

"Then get her transferred to someone else," Alice replied to him as if he were stupid for not thinking of it.

"I can't." Edward ground his teeth at her.

"Why the hell not?"

"Because, if I'm right in thinking, it's Mr. Stanley who handles transfers in the hospital's human resources department. Am I right Edward?" Esme asked to which he nodded.

"Mr. Stanley always gives his little princess whatever she wants, and she wants to stay where she is. It's how she got the job in the first place if I'm not mistaken. And you can't use your father or the names connection because it would be unfair dismissal, and they could sue our family. Am I right?" Esme asked

"Yes. I tried to get rid of her, but the minute she found out what I was doing she started getting character references and lawyers' cards started appearing on her desk."

"That little bitch," Alice seethed

"I've tried to protect Bella from all of this, Alice, but I seem to fail no matter what I do. I'm just so confused. Everything with Bella has just become so hard. I can't do anything right. She won't talk to me or be around me. She won't even try to be my friend anymore. I want everything to work out. I want to try and fix this and make it more than it was before, but she won't let me. She's shut me out. I don't even think she wants to try and fix it anymore. I can't help how I feel about Tanya; with it's so fun and easy to be with her That night you, Dad and I were out to dinner with the Denalis before Bella came home, Tanya and I laughed, joked, reminisced and had a great time. She was being a friend. She was there for me when I had no one else to talk to. When I didn't have Bella to talk to. She was there for me until I told her to stay away the night we told everyone about the baby"

"You know you're wrong, Edward. Bella does want this, but she's scared you're only going to hurt her worse than you already have. You're taking your feelings for Bella for granted because you're having a hard time together, and you want everything to be easy again. That's not real life, Edward. There's always going to be ups and downs with anyone you ever meet. You've never had to acknowledge your feelings for Bella before now. You've never had to really contemplate living without her and know it could be a very real possibility. It's confusing you. You don't know whether to man up and actually try or go for the easy option," Esme stated angrily.

I couldn't listen to anymore. I couldn't continue to live like this, feel like this. I was going to be a mother in just over twenty weeks; I had a baby to protect and only realized in that moment that the only one who could protect us from the pain was me. I couldn't be the type of mother this baby deserved if I stayed. I couldn't let how I felt about Edward affect how I felt toward my baby anymore. I loved this baby more than my own life. My decision was made. Esme continued to stare angrily at Edward while Alice turned chalk white as she noticed me step forward into the doorway.

"I don't think that's going to be a problem for much longer," Alice whispered sadly, looking straight at me. Esme and Edward spun their heads to the door, the color draining from each of their faces.

Alice was staring at me in pity, Esme in apprehension, and Edward in utter shock.

"Bella, sweetie…" Esme stood up and started to head toward me but stopped when I held up my hand to her. Edward also stood and tried to come forward to try and take my hand, but even the thought of him touching me right now sickened me.

"Don't!" I warned him with a shaky, harsh voice, but he kept advancing toward me.

"Bella," he pleaded and went to grab my hand, but I yanked it back.

"Don't touch me!" I spat with as much venom as I could

"Bella, please,"

"No, Alice, he's right. After hearing everything in that little speech there, I don't want to fix things, and I don't want him near me. I am done. I'm just here to get my suitcase," I stated while trying to take calming breaths.

"How much did you hear?" Alice asked timidly

"More than enough. I know now that I was never supposed to be part of this family. I know the true back story of Tanya. I know that my supposed best friend forgets what loyalty is just to get one over on her brother. I know what you all think about me, the baby, and Edward, and I know why you've all been letting this go on as long as it has. You hoped for a miracle that's not going to happen. I'm done waiting."

"Think about this before you do anything silly, please, Bella." She was begging me, but every word that had just come out of her mouth pissed me off.

"Silly, Esme? Seriously? What? You mean like falling in love and getting pregnant with my husband who is still in love with his high school whore!"

"Hey!" Edward said defensively beside me.

"That's right. You defend the tramp who not only dumped you but told you that she still and always will be in love you while you were married to your pregnant wife! When really all she wants is the Cullen name and money because Daddy Dearest cut her off. Bet she didn't tell you that bit, huh?" He looked at me completely shocked, realizing I knew something that he obviously didn't.

"Please, Bella, can we talk about this?" he pleaded with me, though I wasn't sure whether it was for understanding or forgiveness.

"Were?" Esme whispered, causing me to look straight at her. I knew she had been the only one who had picked up on me saying it as Alice and Edward looked at her with confused expressions.

"Yes, Esme, were. He _was_ married to me, and now he _won't_ be. Happy anniversary, husband, I'm giving you the only present I can think of, your freedom," I said sarcastically.

"Bella, please don't," he said while trying to control the panic that I noticed had taken over his face and body.

"What about the baby?" Alice asked interrupting

"He'll get visitation, like you all just discussed not ten minutes ago," I seethed causing her to flinch.

"You can't do that," Esme cried.

"Yes, actually I can. You thought my pain was acceptable, fine, whatever, but I am not going to be made to look a fool while he continues on with her. I'm not going to sit around and wait for him to make a decision about what he feels. I'm not having that tramp looking after my baby, especially after everything you said about her earlier. I'm not sticking it out for the baby's sake. It would only cause the baby harm in the long run. I can't be the mother I want to be to my baby while being here. I'm sure as hell not playing happy families with _her,_ and I'm not putting my baby in the middle of this. Fuck your appearances. I'm protecting _my _baby!"

"That's my baby, too!" he shouted at me

"Wow, I was beginning to think you didn't care there, considering it was your sister and mother who asked all the questions," I shouted back at him

"Of course I care; it's our baby," he said more quietly, trying to rein in his rage, making my stomach churn in the process. It felt like we weren't even worth fighting about, never mind for.

"No, actually, it's mine; you made that choice when you left us for her."

"I haven't left you," he whispered while looking down at his feet. He had given up fighting me, fighting for us.

"But you've thought about it, Edward. That's almost just as bad. Good luck with your gold-digging slut. I'd make sure the bulk of my money was hidden if I were you. I'll send the papers in the mail."

With that I ran out of the door, down the stairs, out the front door way, and went flying into my car. I couldn't stay there one more minute. I couldn't let them do that to me anymore. I wouldn't let them do this to my baby.

I raced out of the driveway as fast as I could. The only place I could think to hide was in my grandmother's cabin. Edward and the Cullens never knew about it. I had intended to take Edward there at some point, but it became my hiding place for when I needed space. Only my parents knew where it was located, and I didn't see them telling anyone anything about it. They knew if I had disappeared, I was probably at the cabin, and it was probably something serious. I felt the tears streaming down my face, and I could do nothing to stop them. I had been driving about fifteen minutes, trying to concentrate on the road, but all I could think about was this little, innocent baby that I was bringing into this mess.

My baby's parents weren't going to be together. The baby could very well have Tanya for a stepmother one day. My baby was going to be ridiculed relentlessly because when you lived in a small town, everyone knew all your business and never let you forget it. Divorce wasn't a normal occurrence in our wee town; step families were even less familiar.

I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't seen the deer walk out onto the quiet forest road. Before I could think, I swerved to miss it and went head first into a tree. The car airbag exploded on impact, and I could feel my whole body being jolted.

A sharp pain went flying through my neck and stomach. I was breathing at an alarming rate and could smell the metallic scent of my blood. My left hand was stuck, but I managed to wriggle my right hand until I could find my purse.

I was fighting to keep my eyes open and my breath even enough until I could get to my phone; I needed to get help for my baby.

"Hello? Bells? Are you there?" The worried voice of Charlie came through the phone.

"Help me," I breathed out

"Bella, what's going on? Where are you?"

"Help…baby…" I scrunched my face up feeling the pain again.

"Bella, what's wrong with the baby?" I took a breath to reply but didn't get the chance before I heard Edward shouting into the phone.

"Bella? Baby girl, where are you? What's wrong?" He sounded so frantic.

"Deer... road... pain." I was trying so hard to keep my eyes open.

"Where are you, Bella? Tell me," he begged.

"Cabin…"

"She's on route to the cabin." He announced to my dad, who replied that Edward was to follow him, he'd take him to me.

"We're on our way baby girl. Stay with me okay," he whispered scared.

"I... can't"

"No, Bella, don't you dare say that, just keep talking to me." I could hear the shakiness of his voice and could imagine the tears welling up in his eyes. I could also hear everyone moving around in the background getting into their cars, but my head was getting heavier and heavier.

"Edward…"

"Bella, no, don't give up. We'll be there soon I promise. Please, baby girl, hold on for me please." He was begging me now and sobbing through the phone, but I couldn't do what he was asking me. I could feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier until they eventually shut.

The last thing I heard was him screaming my name.


	8. Ch 8 Goodbye For An Angel

*****Warning - a premature birth and consequences leading to infant death in this chapter*

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><p><strong>Guidance of a Little Angel Ch. 8<strong> - Goodbye for an Angel

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><p>I couldn't feel anything, couldn't see anything, but I could hear everything. I heard Edward screaming into the phone. I heard the ambulance and fire engines arrive. I heard my family arrive, and I heard the screams and cries of them all. I heard an electric saw and could only assume I was being cut out of the car. I knew I had to try and open my eyes; I had to fight, but I wasn't strong enough.<p>

The only time I managed to open them was for a slight second when I was pulled from the car. I felt this immense jolt of pain run right through my whole body. The EMT's lifted me onto the gurney, and above them all I could see was a clear, midnight blue sky with a million stars twinkling brightly. I tried to concentrate on the stars, tried to keep my eyes open but I couldn't, and when they closed my whole body shut down.

I felt like a lifetime had passed when I started to come back to my senses. My body felt heavy and groggy. I could hear the beeping of the machines, I could feel the IV in my arm, and I could smell the disinfectant of the hospital room. I knew where I was, but it was hazy in my head as to why I was there. I slowly opened my eyes and cringed at the pain, a cramping pain across my stomach. I tried to grab hold of my stomach to stop the pain but one arm was covered in bandages and the other in plaster. I cried out after trying to move them.

"Whoa, whoa, take your time, Bella."

"Carlisle?"

"Hello, sweetheart," he said, looking at me sadly before tucking a hair in behind my ear. Carlisle and I didn't have what I would call a close relationship. To be completely honest, the only time I'd really spent with him alone were the times I had been treated in the hospital for various bumps and bruises I had gotten from being so clumsy and accident prone. I always knew he was a good man though. I had always thought he had one of the purest souls; he wanted everyone around him happy and healthy. Before everything all of this had started I had thought he wanted to right every wrong and save the world, and when he couldn't, it literally broke his heart. Although we didn't spend a lot of time together, I was always fond of him and him of me.

I stared into his sad eyes, knowing within myself that things had to have been bad for him to be looking at me that way; Carlisle always had a sparkle in his eye. I stared for the longest time as I slowly started to remember everything. The party, eavesdropping on Edward, Alice, and Esme, the confrontation that followed, and finally, the car crash. His eyes held so much pain; I had never seen him look at anyone this way before, so I knew the worse had yet to come. As if my body wanted to confirm what my internal monologue was saying, another cramping pain came over my stomach. I knew without having to ask what the pain was. It was a contraction.

I was in labor.

Premature labor.

"When?" I looked straight at him and asked with little to no emotion in my voice, trying to hold myself together. He seemed to understand what I was asking.

"Some point today," he replied sadly. He swallowed the lump in his throat making his Adam's apple move, shook his head slowly, and then got a look of determination on his face. I thought he was trying to be strong for me. I nodded my head and swallowed the tears that were stinging my eyes. I had to get the information I needed; I had to know how bad things were going to get.

"How long was I unconscious?" I turned my head to avoid him. His face and posture were determined and in _Dr. Cullen_ mode. He had always done this when he was apprehensive or nervous. it was his way of distancing himself from the bad in the world, but his eyes showed how he really felt. They showed his pain. Pain I assumed was for his son, for his grandchild, and for me.

"About four hours, Bella, they can't stop it. Your labor was progressing too quickly; you already had three contractions during the twenty-five minute route to the hospital. Your water broke as soon as they laid you on the gurney. They tried everything but can't stop your labor from progressing"

"So what happens now?" Again I nodded my head avoiding his gaze; I felt the pain welling up in my chest.

"The doctors have been in and examined you. They were trying to decided whether to do a c- section or not, but the baby is already engaged and headed into the birth canal, and you're dilating, so they'll proceed with the birth naturally. They think that's the safest option for you." He sounded so monotone and unaffected enough to surprise me and make me look at him.

"But I'm only twenty weeks. I'm not ready yet; she's not ready yet!" I cried out finally breaking the barrier I had been holding around myself. I couldn't control it anymore. Carlisle's formal _Dr. Cullen_ exterior cracked becoming the Carlisle I had always known and loved - the man who not only felt your pain but tried to take it onto himself. He leaned over and held me as tightly as he could without causing me further pain. I sobbed out my anguish into his broad chest.

"I know, sweetheart, I know."

"Where's Edward?"

"He's in the waiting room. We were all in agreement that it probably wasn't best for you waking up to this with him here. He fought us on it, but when I told him it could be detrimental to your health, he backed down"

"What else is wrong with me?" I knew that he meant my mental health when he had said about Edward being allowed into the room or not, but I wanted to be sure.

"You have a concussion. Your left arm was cut open, a fracture in the right wrist, badly bruised ribs, minor cut and bruises on the rest of your body and..."

"I've lost my baby," I whispered while I rubbed my bump as another contraction hit.

"You understand what's going to happen now right, sweetheart?" He looked me straight in the eyes with tears in his own, and I nodded.

"I'm giving birth to my angel today and saying goodbye," I said in a shaky voice while the tears continued to stream down my face.

"Who do you want in the room with you, Bella?"

"I don't know." Although I did know. I only wanted Edward, but at the same time I didn't want him anywhere near me.

"I can get Edward for you if you want, Bella. Or we can keep him outside if that's what you'd prefer. No one is going to think any less of you or hold it against you either way, not even Edward. Just do what you can live with."

"What do you mean?"

"I know we aren't as close as you and Esme or Alice and you, Bella, but that doesn't mean I don't know you. I know you're kind, compassionate, forgiving, and stubborn to a fault. I know you carry the weight and worry of the world and all its people on your shoulders, thinking of them before you think of yourself. But I need you to think about only yourself right now. I need you to be selfish for once. What do you want? What can you handle? Will you regret Edward being here with you? Or will you regret making him stay away? We all understand either way, sweetheart, we really do. But you need to decide soon; there's not much time left." A contraction caused me to wince and emphasized the gravity of Carlisle's words.

"Is _she_ here?" I had assumed that in the time I had been sleeping everyone who hadn't been involved in the altercation in our room would have been filled in, even if only briefly, on what had happened in the lead up to my car accident. Of course from the venom in my voice, Carlisle guessed who I was talking about. I had to know where Edward's head was; if Tanya was here then I was doing it all alone. I couldn't have him in here, thinking of her waiting for him outside with everyone else. It might have seemed spiteful, but I just couldn't do it.

"She showed up, but he sent her away, screamed at her actually. The whole emergency room was treated to quite the show," he chuckled humorlessly; his face showed anger.

I nodded slowly, trying to think, but I couldn't focus on any one thing. Everything was going completely out of control. All I could think was this situation was not supposed to be happening, not right now. I wasn't ready; the baby wasn't ready. I would be losing my baby.

"What would you do, Carlisle?"

He took a large breath then let it out slowly, giving himself time to think. He took a few steps back and sat on the seat he'd been in before I had woken up. He shook his head then looked around the room before returning his gaze to me.

"If it was me, I would have him here. I'm not saying that because he's my son, Bella. You should know that I'm so angry with him right now, but I would want him here if I were you. You know about Esme and me losing our baby. We were each other's support system because we felt the same pain. He's the only other person who is going to appreciate and fully understand how you're feeling right now because he's feeling it too. If by some miracle you get a few minutes with your baby, could you live with yourself knowing you had deprived him of that? I know you. I know you couldn't. You'd feel so much guilt, and you would never forgive yourself for it."

I nodded my head as I thought it over. He was right unfortunately. As much as I hated Edward in that moment in time, I knew I could never forgive myself from taking that opportunity away from him. No one deserved that.

"Can you get him for me?" I asked timidly.

"Of course, sweetheart." He stood from his chair and helped me sit up a little before he kissed my forehead.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," he whispered against my head, and then marched away out of my room as fast as he could. I knew from his shaking before he had left he was trying too hard to hold it in for my sake.

What felt like hours later but must have only been minutes according to the clock above the door, Edward came through the door. His face was pale white and looked so drawn and gaunt. While his eyes were red, raw from the tears he had obviously been crying. He was shaking like a leaf, his clothes rumpled and his hair a mess. I knew he had been tugging his hand through it.

He stood in the doorway staring at me as if I might disappear in the blink of an eye. He looked over every inch he could see as if cataloguing every injury and mark. He looked as if he wanted nothing more than to run over and grab hold of me, but he was restraining himself. He knew I had to make the first move.

The images of what should have been popped into my head. I shouldn't have been in the hospital in labor; I was supposed to be at my anniversary party gushing with guests over our baby. I thought about everything that had gone wrong and had lead to this moment we were in, things that had been done wrong. I kept thinking about the mistakes we had made and how I wished we could have taken them back, how I wished I had just kept my mouth shut from the beginning. I may not have been ecstatic with my life, but I had been happy to a point; I had been comfortable.

The images that killed me though were of the future that would never be. The nursery that wouldn't be finished, the maternity clothes that wouldn't be worn, the first proper kicks instead of the wee fluttering taps I had been feeling. I'd never physically see my baby move under my skin, never have a normal birth with the proud family and gifts; I'd never take my baby home. Every image assaulted my brain, from a tiny baby in Edward's and my arms to a cheeky faced child. Followed by how he grew through his entire life to become this handsome man with Edward's features. I had been imagining his whole life since I had found out I was pregnant. I was convinced I was having a boy from the day my pregnancy had been confirmed and now nothing would come of the thoughts and dreams I'd had in my head. I had been confused about my pregnancy because of everything that had been happening with Edward, but there had never been one moment where I had not wanted or loved my baby. I had just been hurt and confused about what our future would hold. A future we were no longer going to have. My heart broke all over again for Edward's and my loss.

I was trying to decide how I felt about Edward in this moment. I kept thinking I should hate him, that he had led us to this and that it was entirely his fault. But I couldn't do it. I still loved him and was craving his touch to comfort me. I needed not only my husband but my best friend, and at this moment in time, he was both.

"Our baby," I sobbed, breaking the emotionally charged silence there had been between us. Quicker than I could blink, he was near me, holding me as tightly as he could without hurting me and rocking me back and forth as the two of us sobbed together.

"I know, baby girl, I know. I'm so sorry, Bella. So, so sorry."

We cried out all the pain we were feeling, taking comfort in each other's embrace. Carlisle had been right. In that exact moment Edward was the only person who could understand my pain because it was his pain too. He held me tighter when I had a contraction and tried to soothe me. We stayed quiet after his apology; there was nothing else that could be said. Everything else just seemed so inconsequential right now. Nothing else mattered but the baby we were about to lose.

I knew the issues that had led us here were not just going to magically disappear, but I couldn't bring myself to talk about them right now. I didn't want to taint the only time the three of us were ever going to have as a family by having those conversations. They weren't as important as what was happening in that precious moment. For however short my baby's life, either I wanted it to be with a mommy and daddy whose love was unconditional.

The time flew by quicker than either of us wanted it to. We were in our own little private bubble of hell. We had constant contact, some part of our bodies always touching and holding each other, even if it was just holding hand. We each needed that comfort and support right now. It was the only way we could get through this tragedy.

It was a little after three in the morning when things started to speed up beyond control. I had been so concentrated on the contractions and pain that I barely paid attention to the doctors there until they were telling me it was time. All I could do was shake my head no and cry as I gritted my teeth against the pain of the constant contractions. Edward saw my reaction. He took my face in his hands and held me so tenderly, like he thought I was going to physically break apart. He made me look into his beautiful, bloodshot, forest green eyes.

"Bella, we have to do this now. Remember the night the baby was conceived; remember how special that time was, Bella. We can't have our baby for forever, baby girl, but we can do what we did that night. We can love each other and our baby. We can show our baby that love Bella, but you have to push. Please, Bella, I can't lose you both, please push."

He leaned his forehead against mine and stared into my eyes. I knew what he was saying. For that brief moment in time, we had been real, an honest to God married couple, making love to each other like every other married couple does, and tonight we could pretend again and be a family until the dream ended. He needed me as much in this moment as I needed him. I closed my eyes, cried some more, then nodded my head against his. He took his place beside me, coaching me on as I pushed.

"You're doing so good, baby girl. I'm so proud of you," he cried into my hair while rubbing my back and holding me up to help me push.

"That's it, Bella, one last big push and you can meet your baby," the doctor said sadly.

So I pushed, and there she was.

The most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

My tiny baby.

My daughter.

She was no bigger than Edward's hand. She had a tuft of hair no bigger than a penny on her head. Her miniscule wee face was screwed up scowling and crying. She had the sweetest, quietest little cry I had ever heard. I lost focus on everything else. I couldn't tell you what the doctors where doing, I couldn't tell you what the nurses where doing. I couldn't even tell you what Edward was doing because the world stopped spinning for the briefest moment, and all I saw was her.

She was everything.

My entire world wrapped up in this tiny little person.

A little person I was going to have to say goodbye to before I even got the chance to really know her.

The nurse took her to the baby station and wiped her down softly before she wrapped her in a blanket and handed her to Edward as I delivered the afterbirth. She looked at him sadly, nodded her head to us, and walked out of the room. The rest of the doctors and nurses took a moment to make sure everything else was okay before silently following the first nurse. Edward slowly brought our baby over to me. He was holding her so cautiously, as if she were made from the finest glass. He looked at me with such sorrow in his eyes then handed her to me to hold. He sat back down on the side of the bed with me, put his arm around my back, and moved his head to the side of mine to watch her as I held her closely to me.

"She's so beautiful. Thank you, Bella," he whispered while crying into my hair.

"She's still breathing. Why haven't they put her into an incubator or something? Edward, why aren't they helping her if she's alive?" I was staring at her, panicking that they were going to let my baby die when she didn't need to.

"They can't do anything, baby girl; she's too young and too small. All her organs are underdeveloped. The chances of her surviving are practically nothing. Even if by some miraculous chance she did survive, she'd be in a vegetative state for the rest of her life. She'd have severe mental and physical disabilities and would be in constant pain. We'll be lucky if we get another ten to fifteen minutes with her. Do you really want her hooked up to machines that might not even help?" he asked sounding so lost.

"Is she in pain just now?" I whispered, playing lightly with her hair as more of my silent tears fell.

"No, baby girl, she's not in any pain. When the time comes she'll just drift of to sleep. It'll be peaceful for her. I promise"

"God, she's so small, Edward. How could I have ever felt so conflicted over you my little Angel? Mommy is so sorry; she loves you so much." I broke down, staring at her, holding her, rocking back and forth as Edward held us in his arms.

"She knows we love her, Bella. How could she not? You've done everything humanly possible that you could to protect her, even from me." I could tell he was trying to be brave for me, but I could hear the tremor in his voice. I could only imagine what he thought I felt about him at that moment, and what was going to happen after she had taken her last breath. But I couldn't concentrate on that. I only had a little time with my baby, and I wanted her to be happy with her mommy and daddy.

"You want to go see Daddy, Angel? Want to get a cuddle of your daddy? He loves you so much, Angel" I sat up a little and turned to Edward handing him our daughter.

He looked at her with such adoration it made my heart melt. He loved her the way I always knew he would, but instead of being jealous of her, like I thought I would be, I was proud and completely heartbroken that we couldn't have this feeling for more than just now.

"I do, baby. I love you and your mommy so much. More than my own life," he said, the last bit spoken looking at me; I could feel his stare on me as he said those last words. I knew he was trying to tell me how he felt, maybe in hopes that things could be different than what they were going to be, but I couldn't handle it; all I could focus on was her.

"What do we name her?" I whispered, trying to change the subject and rid us of the energy that had shifted in the room.

"She's already got a name; you already gave her it," he whispered back while I looked up at him confused. He leaned forward and kissed my lips softly, putting his forehead against my own. There had been so many times I had wished for him to be like that with me, but he hadn't been. I couldn't grasp what was happening and didn't know what he was talking about until he whispered his answer to me.

"Angel. She's our Angel, Bella. You've been calling her it since the second you saw her." More tears escaped, and I nodded my head in agreement.

Twelve minutes.

We had twelve beautiful minutes.

Twelve minutes after she was born was when Angel Cullen took her last breath. We sat together as a family, loving each other, cherishing each other, needing each other. For over an hour after her last breath, Edward and I had looked over every tiny bit of her. From her ten perfect little fingers, to her ten tiny little toes. She was perfect and for twelve minutes, she had been alive. When she took her last breath she was lying against my chest with Edward's and my fingers intermingled on the back of her entire body.


	9. Ch 9  Consequences Of Actions

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch.** **9** - Consequences Of Actions

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><p>I didn't really remember much that happened following the hour and twelve minute we got to spend with Angel. The few things I did remember were the nurse coming in and telling us that it was time; she was taking Angel away. I remembered sobbing into Edward's chest as he held me so tightly that it hurt, and I remembered the eerie silence once he'd left me alone, thinking I had fallen asleep.<p>

I couldn't cry anymore.

I couldn't feel anything.

The doctor and nurses must have checked on me several times, but I was unresponsive. I was zoned out. I knew someone had eventually put something into my IV to make me sleep, and I welcomed the blackness. The blackness meant I didn't have to face the fact that I had killed my daughter. It meant I didn't have to face a husband who didn't love me the way I needed him to, and it meant I didn't have to face a family who more than likely pitied me.

I hated being pitied.

When I finally did awaken again I was groggy and confused. It took me a moment to remember everything and to realize I was alone in the room. It meant I could go back to being numb. I didn't want to feel the pain; I didn't want to acknowledge others and their pain. I just wanted everything to stop. I didn't know what had happened to Angel's body. I hoped the hospital and Edward were dealing with it all because I couldn't. I couldn't see her again, hold her again. I couldn't prepare her body for a funeral. I had killed her; I didn't deserve to know what was happening or anything to do with her.

I lay on my side staring out the window into the night's sky and its beautiful bright stars. One of the very few bonuses of living away from the cities was the clear air and the night's sky. I realized pretty quickly that I had slept the whole day away because the sun had just been rising before I fell asleep, and when I finally awoke the stars were out in full force. I could remember the stars from the night of the accident, but these stars seemed to shine and sparkle ten times brighter than before. I could imagine Angel being one of them; my own little guardian watching over me.

Edward eventually returned to the room. He sat in the chair next to my bed, took my hand in his own, and encased it in his warmth. He tried to talk to me, but I was ignoring him and everything around him. As far as I had been concerned, we had nothing to talk about. I wasn't going to be his wife anymore, and I no longer had his daughter. I just wanted the world to disappear.

He didn't take my unresponsiveness as a hint. He had no reason or obligation to be here with me anymore, and yet he stayed next to me nearly all the time, only leaving when necessary. The family had come in to see us, but again I was too zoned out to pay any attention. We'd all had a part to play in this. Yes I had killed Angel, but he had pushed me, and they had let it happen, so I didn't want or need them. All I wanted was my baby back and for none of this to have happened.

The hospital sent a grief counselor named Claire to speak to us. Of course Edward and the Cullens already knew her from working together at the hospital, so it made it a little easier for them to confide in her since she was their friend. I could vaguely hear her talking to Edward, but I didn't acknowledge her myself. I just wanted everyone to leave me alone.

"I'm so worried about her, Claire; she's just lying there unresponsive. She hasn't even asked what... what happened to... her," he whispered getting upset. He couldn't say Angel's name. He couldn't talk about his daughter.

"Edward, this is all perfectly normal. She is dealing with her grief in her own way. Her mind is shutting everything out and giving her space that she needs to come to terms with the trauma that's happened not only to her body but to her baby too. You've lost your child, Edward, and I have every sympathy in the world for you, but it's different for mothers. They are so connected with their child throughout pregnancy; every feeling and thought are connected. Everything that runs through her body runs through her baby's. They feel like they are the only ones responsible for protecting and nurturing the baby before the birth; it's a very deep rooted a bond unlike anything else. Bella more than likely feels responsible, like she has failed. I'm more inclined to believe that, especially with how you have described her to me."

She was right. I had failed. I had been rash and unfocused and selfish. I just had to get away from Edward because he was making me feel sick to my stomach. I just had to leave the house because I felt like I was suffocating. I just had to drive my car while distracted and distraught because it was quicker than calling a cab. I just had my thoughts and feelings in my head. I had put us both in danger without even a second thought. If I had stopped and thought things through, I could have done things so differently. I could have still gotten away from Edward. I could have locked myself in one of our guest rooms; I could have run down our street until I was far enough away to call a cab; I could have pleaded with my parents to take me to the cabin. I could have done a thousand things differently.

"I just can't lose her, Claire," Edward whispered. I could hear the shakiness of his voice. I knew he was trying to hold himself together, but he was in pain. A small piece of me felt good about that because he was feeling the pain I was.

"You won't Edward; I won't let that happen. Just give her some time"

I closed my eyes, not wanting to listen to the two of them talking anymore and letting the darkness take over again. They had no idea. He had already lost me.

I was in and out of sleep over the next two days. The doctor said they were keeping me in the hospital to make sure everything was okay, but I thought it had more to do with my surname than anything else. They kept checking my body and had a nurse had to check how much I was bleeding. She seemed overly anxious about the amount of blood, but I didn't care. They tried to make me eat but I couldn't, to be honest I wouldn't even try. They threatened a feeding tube; I didn't care. They gave me medicine, but I didn't want it, I wanted to feel the pain like it was my punishment. They tried to get me to talk, but I wouldn't, not to anyone.

That was the set goal the doctors and grief counselor had given to everyone around me, to get me to eat and to get me to talk. They were worried about my mental state and wanted me to talk and start to heal, but I didn't want to talk to them. There were only two people I wanted to talk to, and both of them weren't here. They had both left me. My Grandma Swan was hopefully looking after my little Angel until I could be there for her.

Everyone took shifts to be around me whenever Edward couldn't be there, which wasn't often; he rarely left my side. I don't know why they bothered; they had me in one of the top security suites with CCTV watching my every move. On my fifth night there, Esme had managed to drag Edward away from my room to shower and eat and had asked Carlisle to stay with me until they came back. As luck would have it though, Carlisle got called away on an emergency. He came over to the bed and kissed me on the forehead, promising me he would be back as soon as possible. He kept trying to catch my eye to see if I had heard or would acknowledged what he had said, but I just stared right through him. Nothing any of them said mattered to me.

I was lying there in the silence when I heard the door open again. I figured it was Carlisle back from his emergency and babysitting me again. I was surprised when I saw who it was.

"Your killing him you know," Tanya stated.

I continued to lie on my side star gazing and ignored her. She had no right being here, and she knew it. I could understand why that didn't matter to her though. Why would my pain matter to her? She would take what she wanted from this situation while my whole world was falling apart. She was a self- centered bitch who wanted Edward, the privileges his name granted, and the millions he had. I was just a pain in her ass that she had to dispose of to get that.

"He doesn't deserve this. If you would just talk, he'd be able to relax, to forgive himself." She moved to the other side of the bed so she could see my face. "Neither of you deserved what's happened to you, Bella, but you can't keep punishing him. It was an accident. It wasn't his fault, but you're punishing him when really no one was responsible. It just wasn't meant to be." She was watching me, trying to push me to get a reaction, trying to piss me off and finish what she had started.

Meant to be? According to this home-wrecking little tramp, I was meant to become pregnant and then lose my baby? And the purpose of that was what exactly? God's will, to learn a greater lesson in life? The final nail in the coffin of Edward's and my relationship?

"I mean I've always been a great believer in destiny, you know. Your life is written out for you, and what happens is meant to happen. It makes you stronger, leads you where you've to go. I mean, maybe, this was to show you that yours and Edward's relationship wasn't supposed to be."

I could barely believe what I was hearing, but then again, coming from her, it wasn't exactly surprising. She was a twisted little bitch who used everyone as her puppets to play with, and she wanted to play with Edward without me being in the way.

"I'm not saying that because of Edward and me. Nothing has happened yet, and as long as he's married nothing ever will. But he deserves to be happy. You should let him be happy, Bella." She was playing with her nails as if none of what she had just said even mattered; as if she was talking about nothing of consequence, when really she was further ripping my life apart shred by shred.

"I had better not have just heard you saying what I think you did!" said an angry voice from the door way.

"Esme I..." Tanya looked shocked and flustered. She wasn't the cocky self-assured woman who had walked into my room, more or less demanding I give her what she wanted. No, she looked like a scared little girl because she had been caught red-handed being the twisted bitch I always knew she was.

"Leave and don't ever come back. I don't want to see you within five feet of any of my family ever again. Stop messing with my son's head, stop trying to mess with my daughters and if you ever even think about my granddaughter, I will destroy you. Do we understand each other Tanya?" Esme spoke in a hard assertive voice that could send chills down your spine.

"But Esme..."

"Leave" Esme all but shouted at her. Tanya eventually walked over to the door, cautiously and slowly passing Esme before making her way out of the room. As soon as the door clicked closed, Esme came rushing over to me.

"I'm so sorry, my sweetheart; she had no right saying any of that to you. The nurse at the station warned me she was here. I got here as quickly as I could. Please don't listen to her, Bella; she's not important. What's important is that you know we all love and need you, especially Edward. You need each other so much right now," but I didn't want to hear it.

She feathered some hair away from my face and sighed heavily. I had continued to stare out the window, and as far as she knew I hadn't acknowledged her or Tanya. She pushed the nurse's button and asked for Shelley, my nurse, to contact Carlisle and to bring the items needed for a bed bath. Shelley came through the door seconds later smiling sadly and offering to help Esme bathe me.

Just as they were about to move my bed sheet from over my body, Edward and Carlisle came bustling into the room.

"What's wrong? What happened? Did she speak?" Carlisle asked quickly

"No, darling, I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to take it as something along those lines. I just need some restrictions put on Bella's room." She went to him and kissed him lightly on the cheek then squeezed his hand when he realized he'd come to the wrong assumption.

I'm not getting better.

It was a false alarm.

"Of course, darling, anything you need," he said back to her then kissed her cheek.

"Would someone like to explain to me what's going on? And why I just saw Tanya leaving the hospital in tears?" Edward asked with an edge to his voice. He was nervous.

"You are not to see Tanya again, Edward" Esme announced scowling at him.

"Excuse me?" Edward asked baffled.

"I am telling you now, Edward, I don't want you around her or speaking to her again"

"And who are you to decide that mother; she was just being a friend before that night. She was trying to be there for me. I haven't even spoken to her since the accident, not that it concerns you." At this Esme marched right up to him. She was silent, lethal and predatory. I could see her in my peripheral vision, I had never seen her so scary.

WHACK!

She slapped him right across his face. The blow was so strong his head turned with it.

"You spoiled, ungrateful, little shit. I told you this would happen. I told you that I refused to bury my grandbaby and daughter. My grandbaby is gone, Edward; I will not bury my daughter because of that little home-wrecking tramp!" she shouted at him while Carlisle pulled her away.

"Esme? What the hell is going on?" Carlisle asked slightly stunned and worried.

"I think I can answer that, Dr. Cullen," Shelley answered.

"Please do."

"You remember that the observation rooms have CCTV with sound recording for security?" she asked. She was just trying to find a fancy way around saying that they had me on suicide watch.

"Yes."

"Miss. Denali came to see Mrs. Cullen while you were called away. I thought she was one of her friends and I'm so sorry for not asking. The tape more or less caught Miss Denali telling Mrs. Cullen it was fate that she had lost her baby and that she had to let Dr. Cullen go; she had to stop punishing him. She had to let him be happy. I'm so sorry, Dr. Cullen. By the time I got over my shock and could actually grasp and understanding what I was hearing, your wife was already in the room dealing with her. I'm so sorry." She finished her speech sounding teary.

I could see from the corner of my eye both Carlisle's and Edward's looks of utter shock. Carlisle turned slowly to face Edward.

"You have a choice to make, and I suggest you make it quickly before I make it for you," Carlisle spoke gravely.

"I don't understand?"

"An accident killed my granddaughter, but the events leading up to the accident could have been avoided if you had just made a choice, if you and Bella had both communicated like adults. I am in no way blaming you or Bella for the accident or little Angel's death, Edward, but I will not let your choices be to the further detriment of Bella's health. Tanya is not welcome in this hospital ward or our home. You have to choose who you want and live with the consequences of that choice."

"How can you even say that to me?"

"Edward, I love you. You're my son, but I don't like or know the man who is standing in front of me right now. The man I raised would be outraged that someone had said such things to his wife; he would have tried hard to talk to her before all of this had happened instead of running off to talk to the woman who is now trying to destroy your marriage. You just don't seem to care, son."

"Of course I care. I can't believe you would think that there would even be a choice between Bella and Tanya. I love Bella, but she won't let me near her. She won't even look at me or talk to me. She won't let me help her!" He started shouting before the sobs came.

"I'm in this too. I lost my daughter too. And yes it was my selfish, naive, stupid actions that caused this, but I can't make her better and I can't bring Angel back. I killed her"

Upon hearing him, say that I finally broke. I physically reacted to something for the first time in five days. My body started to shake, tears dripped from my eyes until I couldn't see, and the pain in my chest exploded through, I couldn't ignore it anymore.

He didn't kill Angel, I did!

"Oh, God," I moaned as I curled into a ball sobbing and hyperventilating.

"Bella!" Edward shouted as he ran toward me and placed his arms around me.

"I killed my baby!" I sobbed. He was awkwardly leaning over the side of the bed trying to hold me.

"No, Bella, you didn't. It was an accident. I'm so sorry, baby girl. I love you!" he sobbed with me.

"No, I hate you, let me go, I hate you!" I screamed, thrashing about and hitting him as hard as I could. He couldn't tell me he loved me. Not after everything that had happened.

"Bella, please, I love you, I'm so sorry, please." I could hear his words, but they started to sound far away. I was feeling so dizzy and light-headed. I felt myself going limp in his arms as the room began to spin.

"Edward, you need to move out the way right now. Shelley, I need you to help me get her situated onto her back and press the emergency; we may have to get her to an O.R."

"What? Dad, what's going on?" Edward sounded panicked

"Look at the bed, Edward!" he shouted as he ripped me from Edward's arms and started moving me.

"Oh my God, blood." was the last thing I heard before I gave in to the darkness.


	10. Ch 10  The Soul Of A Man

**A.N. - **Just wanted to thank you all for all your well wishes, thoughts and prayers for my brother, who is now 100% better. I was so greatly touched by the out pour of love from you all, it actually brought a tear to my eye.** Thank You all Again x  
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><p><strong>Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 10<strong> - The Soul Of A Man

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><p>I felt myself waking up, felt the bed I was lying in, the scratchy, tough sheets. I heard the quiet beep of the machines and felt as though my mouth was filled with cotton or wool. I tried to sit up a little but it made me nauseated so I just lay still with my eyes closed taking deep breaths. Once the feeling had gone I opened my eyes slowly and looked around the room. It was dark with only the light coming from the hallways shining through the gaps in the curtains. I tried to move again and felt the IV that had been disconnected before the incident, was now reconnected. When I looked to see what it I was, I wished it hadn't.<p>

It was a bag of blood.

I moved a little then paused due to the pain I had from my bruised ribs. It seemed ironic that it was the first time since the accident that I had registered the pain at all. I guess I really had woke up. I managed to shimmy myself so that I wasn't lying down but I wasn't exactly sitting up either, I guess you could call it slouching. I heard a deep breath at the left side of my bed and turned my head to see who it was.

Edward.

Of course it would be.

He was still my husband after all; of course he'd be by his wife's side as she recovers in hospital. I remembered what had happened. Tanya's little speech, Esme saving me then slapping Edward. I remembered breaking down after hearing him say he'd killed Angel, he told me he loved me then I blacked out again. I knew he cared but I didn't know if I really believed what he said. He had looked so destroyed when I was hitting him and telling him I hated him. I knew that I had said it all in the heat of the moment. I didn't really hate him but for those two minutes I felt like I did.

Looking over him as he slept in the chair with his head leaning on the side of my bed; he looked so young and carefree. It was as if he didn't have a care in the world but the closer you looked you could see the effect's all of this was actually having on him.

He had a five o'clock shadow on his cheeks, chin and jaw, showing he hadn't shaved in days. He had purple bags under his eyes from what I can only guess was exhaustion. His hand was clenched tightly around mine as if he thought I was going to disappear. I was tempted just to watch him sleep, because he obviously needed it but I couldn't. Seeing him made me think of everything.

The night in the kitchen, the weeks that followed, Tanya, our anniversary party, the accident and Angel.

My baby.

My little Angel.

I closed my eyes tightly feeling the tears sting them, trying to escape.

"Edward," I croaked out, but he didn't move.

I tried again a little louder. It hurt like hell but, thankfully, he heard me this time and jumped up to look around trying see who had shouted for him. When he realized no one else was in the room, he turned his head slowly to see if it had been me. He just stared into my eyes, watching me like I was going to disappear from right in front of him. When it registered in his brain that I was actually awake, he jumped up with the biggest smile and grabbed me so tightly in a hug that it physically hurt.

"Ah, ouch, Edward," I croaked out again, and he quickly let me go, realizing that he'd hurt me. He moved his hands to my face to cradle it softly and leaned his forehead against my own.

"I'm sorry, baby girl; I didn't mean to hurt you, I'm just so happy to see theses big beautiful brown eyes looking at me again. I'm sorry." Then he kissed me chastely on the lips. I didn't return the kiss and he noticed straight away. He pulled away from me a little, dropped his hand to my lap to hold mine and looked at me sadly.

"Are you okay? Do you need anything?"

"Water."

"Of course." He brought a glass with a straw over to me a minute later and I gulped it down greedily.

"Thank you," I said feeling a little better, it didn't feel of cotton in my mouth anymore and it wasn't so soar to speak. He took the glass from me and put it on the bed side cabinet. He then sat back on the bed facing me and taking my hands in his again. He wouldn't look at my face instead he kept his eyes trained on my hands, watching them as his hands held and caressed them. We fell into the same comfortable silence that always surrounded us but I didn't want that. I didn't want to be that comfortable with him anymore.

"How long was I out?"

"Two days," he mumbles, continuing to avoid looking at me while playing with my hands and occasionally kissing them.

"What happened?"

"You had a delayed postpartum hemorrhage," he said quietly.

"In English?" He finally looked up at me.

"You had a bleed from you uterus"

"Oh," I said just as quietly.

"Everything is okay now though. There's no permanent damage. They've been giving you transfusions to make sure everything stays okay. They said it was from the trauma of the accident and birth but they hadn't picked up on the signs because... "

"Because I wasn't talking to tell them about them?"

"Yeah, kind of. They had noticed that the clot's you had been passing weren't getting any smaller, and that the blood flow wasn't decreasing. That was why they kept massaging your stomach to help your womb contract back into its normal size. They thought it was okay until you hemorrhaged."

"Oh." I said sadly. It was a complete information overload; I couldn't grasp what was going on.

"They said you'll be okay but they'll have to keep an eye on you the next time you're pregnant," he said hesitantly.

"Excuse me?" I asked completely sidetracked.

"They said that you can get pregnant again, and more than likely carry full term but they'll just have to keep and eye on you during and after the birth." I was sure he could see I was completely floored. What made him think for one second that I was putting myself in this position again, that I'd chance losing another baby?

"I'm not having anymore children." I spat out after I'd had a moment to think it over.

"Bella, I know it's hard too think about just now, it's hard for me too. I love her and I miss her too and always will. Nothing will ever replace her for both of us but I know I still want this with you one day," he explained sadly. I stared at him for a minute in utter disbelief.

He can't be serious.

He was thinking about leaving me a week ago.

He was willing to give up on our marriage and child a week ago.

And now he wants the happily ever after I had been dreaming about for six years.

He only wanted me because of what happened.

I pulled my hands away as quickly as possibly considering the cast and bandages, and told him as harshly as I could "I am not having anymore children, Edward. Ever! And especially not with you."

He looked at me heart broken, letting silent tears run down his face. He was finally feeling the pain I had been feeling for months.

"Bella, please, I can't lose you again. I had to live through that already. You stopped breathing twice. You died for three minutes and all I could think about was if you weren't coming back then I was coming with you. I can't lose you. It'll kill me too."

I'm stunned at his words. I had died. I had stopped breathing. If they had left me to die, I would have been with my daughter and grandmother Swan but I wasn't. I was here with this broken man in front of me, begging and pleading with me to stay with him, to love him like he said he loved me but I couldn't let myself believe it.

"Why?"

"Because I love you Bella, and not as a best friend. I'm in love with you. Seeing you mangled up in that car, watching you give birth to our daughter, seeing you slip away from me then watching you die... It finally hit me, Bella. It hit me the second you walked out of the door at the party. I'm in love with you. I never had to think about living without you before, not really. You'd go on your book tour and I'd miss you like crazy but I always convinced myself that I was missing my friend when I wasn't. When you walked out of that bedroom door, I knew it was final and I knew I had lost you. It broke me Bella, I felt that pain in my chest that you had spoke about. It hurt. So much."

He stops and looks me straight in the eyes and takes my hands back slowly. We both have tears streaming down our faces.

"Hearing you on the phone, thinking that the last thing I was going to talk to you about was us separating or your dying... Then seeing you in that car." He sobs and holds my hands to his face.

"I fell to my knees and screamed my lungs out, Bella. All I could focus on was you. I thought I had killed you both and I didn't want to live anymore. The EMT sedated me and put me in second ambulance. I woke up just as we arrived at the hospital. I thought you were dead and when he told me you were alive I was so relieved. I could physically feel my heart beating again."

He brought my hands away from his face and instead brought his own to mine, cradling me and holding my face tenderly.

"I know you don't trust me, Bella. And Mom was right that night, I took my feelings for you for granted because they were so much different than anything I had ever felt before. I didn't realize because I had never had to actually face living without you. But I have now and I know. I'm in love with you Bella," he whispered, softly against my lips then he kissed me.

He was sweet and tender with me. I believed everything he had said but it didn't make a difference. I felt like it was too late, I couldn't get passed what had happened. I didn't have anything left to give him; he had already taken it all and broke it.

"It doesn't change anything does it," he whispered against my lips, his forehead pressed against mine and his eyes jammed close with tears running down.

"No" I whispered then let out a gut wrenching sob. He held me and rocked me back and forth, loving me in the only way I would let him.

"I'm sorry, baby girl, I'm so sorry. I just want you to be happy," he whispered, to me repeatedly until I drifted off to sleep. When I woke again, the sun the was out with not a cloud in the sky, as if a big storm had just passed and cleared everything away.

And I was alone.

The following week went so slowly. I felt empty and hollow; I was in a near constant daze. I had silent tears constantly streaming down my face at all times. All I ever wanted to do was sleep. I ate the food they gave me but it had no taste or texture to it. I took the medication they told me to take and tried to look after myself as best as possible considering the way I was feeling. Everyone but Edward had been around trying to talk to me, to make plans for what was going to happen next but I had nothing to say. I didn't know what was going to come next. My old life was gone and I really didn't want to think about my future. I just wanted to sleep forever like Snow White or Sleeping Beauty. Claire, the grief councilor had been in and spoke to me a few times as well. I knew it was her job but I knew that the family had probably spoken to her about their concerns for me too.

I didn't care.

She told me what had happened with my daughter; she explained all the information about Angel's birth. She told me that because she was born before the twenty fourth week, she wasn't classed as a viable birth. That had been why they didn't help her. She told me that this was also the reason why there would be no birth or death certificate for her, because she wasn't classified as a viable baby who had died but as a late miscarriage. There would be no paper work with her name, size, weight or anything. Just a note in my file saying I'd had a late miscarriage due to my car accident.

I was furious.

How could they make this decision? Who in their god damn wisdom thought it would be fair to tell the world my daughter didn't exist just because she wasn't born at the right time. They hadn't had to give birth to her, they hadn't had to go through the hours of contractions and they sure as hell hadn't held her as she took her last breath.

But there was nothing I could do about it. I tried, God how I tried. I even slapped Carlisle for telling me there was nothing he could do. But there really wasn't. He may have been the head of the hospital but it wasn't his choice or decision, it is the health system.

_Fucked up bastards._

Everyone tried to be there for me, to calm me down and make me feel better but all I could feel was the rage building up inside of me. My life was falling apart. Everyone else had been making decisions for me since I was a child, my parents, the Cullen's, Edward and now the hospital board. They were passing judgment on my daughter and I, when they didn't even know us, we were just a case number to them. I was so angry and hurt. I didn't really want to talk to anyone except Rose and Emmett. I figured that out of everyone, they were the ones who would understand.

I knew Carlisle and Esme had lost their baby boy after Alice. But they had recognition for him, closure. They had a birth and death certificate stating he had been real; it was there in black and white that he had existed in the world even if he hadn't lived. They knew his weight and size. They had a memorial garden and had been allowed to scatter his ashes. Rose and Emmett on the other hand, had been through something similar to me though. Rose had miscarried early enough that it felt like a heavy period but they had still lost a baby that would never be acknowledge to the world. They were the same as me so I figured they would be the best people to help.

They were also just on the outside of our family circle which placed less blame on them for the events that had taken place in my eyes. Yeah, they had seen what had been happening but there wasn't much they could have done other than be there for us and warn us when the shit was going to hit the fan, which let's be honest, they had done.

My parent's weren't there for me. They loved me, I loved them but they knew I was unhappy in my marriage and didn't do anything to help me. The same with Esme and Carlisle, they knew how I was feeling and just expected me to grin and bare it. And Alice, well she was our biggest pusher. She would constantly push me to stick it out because she thought he would come around.

Rose and Emmett had been smart through it all and had more or less kept their mouth's shut unless asked; well actually that's a lie. Rosalie had mouthed off a few times but only when she knew I needed it.

"Hey Bella, how are you feeling?" Rose whispered as she rang her fingers through my hair in a soothing motion.

"Fine." I replied monotone while staring out of my window.

"You sure honey? You're not in pain? You don't need anything?"

"I'm fine"

"I mean it anything you need, we can get for you right Em. In fact, Em, why don't you go down to the gift shop and get…."

"She's fine Rose" Em cut her off from her uncomfortable rant. She hated hospitals as much as I did, if not more.

"Besides Bells doesn't need all the pansy crap. She just need a cuddle from the world greatest cuddlier am I right or am I right?" he joked trying to lighten the mood surrounding us. Rose and I couldn't help but smile at him while I moved to give him space on the bed to come cuddle.

"See I knew it, I was right. See Rose she knows, that I know that she knows the we know that I'm the coolness which makes her cool by association" he smirked as Rose and me burst into hysterics at his blatant attempt to be funny but only making himself sound stupid.

"I love you Em" I whispered snuggling into him suddenly feeling tired.

"Love you too B. Sleep now I got you" He whispered back then rocked me off to dreamland

I was released at the end of the week because the doctors knew there was nothing else they could do for me. Rose and Emmett had told me I could stay with them for as long as I wanted. I had wanted to go to the cabin and stay there myself for a while, but that option was vetoed by not only doctor's appointments and check ups but also by my parents. They didn't want me being alone, scared of what I might do.

In all honesty, they had wanted me home with them. They asked me then when I rebuffed them they had tried to force me until I told them both that I was an adult who was capable of making her own decision and that they were to, and I quote, "Fuck off."

Rose and Emmett were great. The first few days of being home consisted of me lying in my bed crying. I ate when I had to, took my med's when I was told to, showered when I was made to and spoke when I wanted to, which honestly wasn't often. They let me be for a while then pushed me to get out of bed and get back into the land of the living. Rose had completely lost it with me one day.

"Right I have had enough of this, Bella. It's time to get up and rejoin the land of the living," Rosalie chastised me.

She stomped her way from my door over to my windows and pulled the curtains wide open allowing the mid morning light into the room and blinding me. I grabbed the covers and pulled them over my head hoping she would leave me alone. I heard the windows being opened then felt her trying to pull the cover off of my head. I held tightly to it and wouldn't let her have it so she stomped her feet like a petulant teenager then I heard her storm out of the room. I figured I had won this round and was going back to sleep when I suddenly felt the bottom of the covers being pulled up from the bed and freezing cold ice water being poured over my legs and lower torso.

"What the fuck, Rosalie?" I screamed jumping out of the bed quickly after the sudden fright.

"Oh good, she awakens," she smiled innocently at me while using sarcasm to try and mask the fact that she was pissed at me but it doesn't last as the famous Rosalie scowl appears and her voice dropped to a shrew demand, "Get in the shower and get dressed we're going out"

"I'm not going anywhere, Rose." I argued back while removing the wet clothes and hunting out new dry ones.

"Yes you are, Bella." She stood in my doorway watching me move and tapping her foot.

"No Rosalie, I'm not"

"Bella, the support group is this afternoon, so your getting dressed and going"

"No." We stood staring at each other like a western stand off. I could see Rose getting more worked up but I held my ground. I thought I had won when she sighed and relaxed her stiff posture but the words that followed shocked the hell out of me.

"Then get out, Bella. Just get your stuff and get out because I'm not letting you do this in my house anymore. I'm not watching you do this when you shouldn't be." She walked away from my door leaving me completely stunned. I stood there for a minute replaying what had happened in my mind then felt a surge of anger rip through me. I chased after Rosalie to confront her. I found her in the living room picking up Lilly's toys.

"So that it Rose, I don't agree with you so your kicking me out. I thought you were my friend" I sniped at her.

"I am your friend, that's why I'm doing this. I'm not going to be your enabler anymore."

"What is that supposed to mean?" I snapped at her.

"I'm not going to sit around and let you slip into this depressive state feeling sorry for yourself," she snapped back.

"Well God forbid I grieve the child I just lost."

"I don't have a problem with you grieving, Bella. But your not you're lying in that room feeling sorry for yourself instead of even trying to move forward and pick up the pieces of your life."

"Maybe I don't want to pick up the pieces, maybe I just want to be left the hell alone!"

"Fine, then you can go do that somewhere else because you're not doing it here. It's like a slap in the face," she huffed, and turned away from me resuming tidying her living room.

"What is your problem Rose? What is it about me wanting to be left alone in my grief that makes it a slap in the face to you?"

"It's a slap in the face because I care about you, like a lot of other people do. I wont sit back and watch you squander your life away, alone and buried in a bed because something bad happened," She kept her back to me but I could see her frame becoming more stiff the more I pushed.

"Something bad? My daughter died Rose; she'd dead, not coming back!" I screamed.

"Yeah, maybe you should have taken her place." She turned to me staring me down as I crumbled under her gaze. The wind had vacated my body and I couldn't breath.

"How... How could you say something like that to me?" I breathlessly murmured trying to stay upright but feeling my legs shake as if they were going to give out any second.

"Because it's how I feel right now Bella. You died, _Twice_, and they brought you back. The fact that your living is a gift and you don't care, you don't want to be living. You've said it in your sleep. Lilly came into your room to give you a picture to make you feel better and came running out moments later with tears streaming down her face asking when you were going to go to heaven. She heard you saying you wanted to go with Angel, you didn't want to stay here, and you didn't want to live. You wanted to be in the stars which she interpreted as heaven." I gasped and felt my back hit the wall causing me to slide to the floor. The tears came fast as I imagined little Lilly asking Rose such hurtful questions.

"Do you have an idea how painful it was to explain to a five year old? Trying to explain to her that you didn't mean it, you were only dreaming. She lost her cousin she didn't want to lose her aunt too"

"Five year old?" I whispered while looking up at her confused. We had maintained the distance between us; me scrunched up on the floor and her towering over and looking down at me pissed off.

"Yes, Bella you heard me right, five years old. It was her birthday two days 8th. You slept through it and out of respect for you, Emmett thought it was best that we skipped the normal party and just took her out to dinner with us."

"Why would he do that?"

"Because he didn't want you waking up to all the Cullens, Hales and McCarty's in the house, so he cancelled her party."

"I'm so sorry Rose. I'll make it up to Lilly I promise."

"I don't want you to make it up to Lilly, Bella. She's not the one you owe something to."

"Then who?" She came over to me slowly and kneeled down in front of me. We were level to each and staring into each other's eyes.

"Angel, you owe something to Angel. That beautiful little girl of yours could only live for twelve minutes. You died twice and were brought back. You've been given a gift. You owe it to her to get up out of that bed, pick up the pieces and live your life, Bella. Do the things you've always wanted, things she'll never have an opportunity to do. She can't live her life, but you owe it to her to live yours." A heart wrenching sob escaped me as she finished. She wrapped her arms around me and let me cry all my pain out. I was under no illusions that I would be better instantly, there were still times I was going to cry and hurt but I understood what she had been saying.

So I got out of bed, and began trying to live to the best of my ability. It wasn't much at the time, I was existing, but I knew would get there someday.

They left me to my own devices but made me face things as well, the main thing being my interaction with their daughter Lilly. I avoided her at first, it was too hard for me to face kids and they had respected that for a while but eventually made me it because I had too. They told me I couldn't hide away from kids forever. Lilly missed her aunty Bella and couldn't understand why I didn't like her anymore. She knew I was sad but she also thought she had done something wrong and made me mad at her. When Emmett had told me what she had said it broke my heart. She was so innocent, she didn't understand and I wanted to protect her from the evils of the world she was yet to learn of and face. I wanted to help her stay a child for as long as possible.

Eventually it was great having Lilly around as she was the perfect distraction but she respected when aunty Bella needed alone time. Rose and I had talked; she suggested the same as Claire, which was to see someone to talk to. Not a shrink per say, but even a support group or something. Rose had done both and said it had helped her. She said Emmett had suggested the same to Edward but he hadn't taken it well.

We didn't talk about Edward often, but from the little bit's of conversation and even arguments I had heard between Rose and Em, he wasn't doing so great. He had taken a leave of absence from work, couldn't speak to anyone in the family and only spoke to Em because he was his only connection to me. He was holed up in our house, not going out, not doing anything.

Just grieving.

I won't lie, it hurt knowing he was in such pain. I couldn't just turn off my feelings for him. I had loved him as his wife and his best friend so I felt the pain he was feeling. With him being my best friend meant he was the first person I wanted to phone when it hurt so bad I couldn't breath. Then I'd remember that he had played a part in causing the pain and would stop myself from picking up the phone. We had the same pain but I couldn't help him. He had been thinking of leaving me. I couldn't just forgive that.

The thirteenth of September came with only one reminder that it was in fact my birthday, I hadn't wanted any reminder but the one I was given meant the world to me. It had been four days since Rose had dragged me out of the bed, so I was still just trying to exist at that point. Emmett came home from work looking slightly apprehensive and had asked to speak to me alone in the conservatory. It was a beautiful night with all the stars shining above me making me think, like they always did, of Angel, my little guardian.

"Bells... I know you didn't really want today to be acknowledged but I've got a present here for you," he said, while rubbing the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"Em, I didn't want anything." I sighed heavily.

"I didn't get you anything."

"Then how the hell..."

"Just please, open it." He cut me off and handed me the present. He waited for me to open it. When I did I found a certificate in a beautiful frame. I didn't get the chance to read what was written on it though because my eyes immediately went to the picture on it.

There was Angel.

A picture of my little baby.

My eyes stung with the tears trying to escape. I had to ask Emmett to read to me what the certificate said. He explained that a star had been named after my Angel and that a map and coordinates to it where included. It was in the official star registry and would be forever. All I could do was let out a gut wrenching sob as Emmett held me. He sat me down on the patio furniture and let me cry until I couldn't anymore.

"Are you okay now?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry." I sniffled.

"Don't ever be sorry for that Bella, you lost your daughter. You're allowed to grieve her," he told me, while patting my head which now lay under his chin.

"There's one more thing but you'll have to sit forward for this one." I did as he said and felt a chain being put around my neck. It was a locket; a silver oval locket with a small heart on the front and an inscription on the back.

"It's a multi picture locket. You've got four. There's her foot print, her hand print, a lock of her hair and her picture. All down sized of course but the original foot print and hand print are in the back of the frame. We weren't sure what you wanted to do with them."

"Oh, Emmett thank you, what does the inscription say?"

He cleared his throat and shifted uncomfortably "More than my own life."

"Thank you, this means so much to me. Rose and you shouldn't have, how did you get her prints and hair? How did you know about the stars?"

"Bella, we didn't," he said hesitantly and shifted uncomfortably again.

"Then who..."

Then it came flooding back to me.

The night Angel was born.

More than my own life.

Edward.

"He had done all this for me." It wasn't even a question, just a statement.

"Yeah, turns out you talk in your sleep. During the week before you where let out, he would come and check on you when you were sleeping. He knew you didn't want him around. He said you kept talking about Angel being your little guardian and the brightest star in the sky watching over you. So he did this for you." He nodded his head solemnly. He was hurting for his friend. He had been in his shoes once but he'd had Rose, while Edward had no one.

"And the locket?" He knew I wasn't asking about the actual locket but more of what it contained.

"He wanted her to always be with you. He had asked the nurse before hand if he could prepare her so he could get them for you. Here, he explains it all in the card. I'll leave you alone to have a read at it" with that said, he left me alone with a card.

_Dear baby girl,_

_ I want to tell you happy birthday but I know, for this year at least, you want to pretend like it isn't happening. Emmett and I managed to convince everyone else to abide about your decision, and hopefully they have. I know you think there isn't much to be happy about, but your wrong, Bella. You're alive and breathing and I'll be continually thankful for that until my dying day. I knew you would be hurt and angry over the hospital's protocol when it came to Angel's certificates etc, I was too. So I've done the only thing I could think of to ease that a little for you. I got you the paper work you needed to prove she existed._

I looked away at the card briefly to the certificate in the frame. I had some form of paper work to prove she had lived, that she was real. She had existed in the world even if it was only briefly.

_I know we'll never forget her, but now the world can know too. I asked Dr. Cope if I could prepare Angel. We weren't supposed to have the prints and hair but because of the family connections, they let me take them for you, as well as some pictures. I've put into a photo album for you, Emmett put it in your room for you, and he knows where it is when you are ready to see them. I love you Bella, and I'm so sorry I have hurt you the way I have. I can't bring her back, but I'm hoping some of this ease's the pain for you. _

_Love always,_

_ Edward _

I sat alone and re read the card a thousand times, and then looked over her certificate and locket. I felt for the first time in a while that I could breath and had a small bit of peace. He was right, he couldn't give me her back, but he made her real to anyone who would ask. I had her photo, foot print, hand print and hair to prove she had lived, even if only for twelve minutes and I had her being my little guardian. My little star shining over me, protecting and guiding me. He gave me that.

For that I was thankful.


	11. Ch 11 Conflict Of Truth

Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 11 - Conflict Of Truth

The weeks continued on. I had asked Emmett to thank Edward for me,but he never told me what had happened afterwards. The sad frown and low set of his shoulders had been more than enough to tell me that it wasn't good. Emmett actually started to avoid me after that. I hadn't noticed at first, but after about four weeks of almost never seeing him, I knew that something was going on. The only time I could catch him was around the dinner table or at night when he was tucking Lilly in. Anytime I tried to talk to him, he blew me off or told me he was busy. So I went to the next best source - Rosalie.

She told me that he was worried about Edward, but didn't want to upset me with it.

Yeah, I didn't believe that either.

Another two weeks went by and I ignored it. I got my cast off and Rosalie more or less forced me back into the driver's seat. She told me that if I didn't face it head on as soon as possible then I never would. Turns out she was right. It was hard at first and I was shaking like a leaf, but I got there in the end. I was attending therapy and the support groups. I had started to look for my own place and was writing again.

It wasn't anything to be published; it was just for me, like a journal to pour everything out. I was doing okay during the day, when I could keep busy, pushing myself to get back into the world. It was almost easy to forget everything, but at night, I missed her. I missed the life that I had. Surprisingly, I missed being pregnant. But most of all, I missed him. I couldn't and wouldn't deny it. I missed him so much that it physically hurt and made me cry myself to sleep. But I was pushing myself to move on. I had to. I couldn't go back to what we had had before; I couldn't forget what had happened. We were both going to have to move on, or so I thought.

I came home from therapy one day to find Rose and Emmett having a blazing argument it in the living room with the door wide open. I could hear everything. Usually I would have just walked passed, continued on upstairs and ignored it. I knew Lilly was at nursery so I didn't have to worry about her hearing them. As I took my first step to go upstairs, trying to sneak passed unnoticed, I heard a part of the argument that froze me instantly.

"He's gone, Rosalie! He's fucking gone, okay? I can't find him! The place is a riot and he's been drinking non-stop since she left the hospital. He's a fucking walking time bomb who could explode at any minute, so I'm fucking sorry if I'm apprehensive about where the fuck he is."

"Stop being so melodramatic, Emmett. He's not going to do anything stupid!"

"You haven't seen him recently, Rosalie. You don't know shit!" he shouted, making my blood turn to ice in my veins. I turned to my right and took a step to the side so I could see them without being seen.

"He'd never do that to Esme or Bella."

"What you mean is the mother and wife that aren't speaking to him, aren't acknowledging that he exists," Emmett spat at her.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Esme hasn't spoken to him since Bella left the hospital. After Bella more or less told the whole family to fuck off, Esme cut him off. Alice tried to be around him, but every time she was, she ended up throwing his mistakes in his face. Jasper refuses to be around him because he's constantly piss drunk. Carlisle is covering for him at the hospital, so he doesn't have the time. You've got your head so far up Bella's ass that you can't see what's happening to him. And the one person who can actually understand what he's going through won't even admit that he exists, never mind admit the fact that they need each other."

"He deserves everything he's getting, Emmett. He nearly killed her."

"No, he didn't. They had a disagreement and she ran off and drove that car. Besides, that not the point. Nobody deserves to go through what he's going through alone. No one."

"Yeah, actually, he does."

"He lost his daughter, too, Rose."

"It was his fault!"

"It was an accident."

"It was his fault. If only he had just stayed the fuck away from Tanya. He cheated on her, Emmett!"

"He didn't cheat on her."

"He thought about it, that's more than enough."

"Yeah, cause your the goddamn poster child for fidelity, Rosalie."

I gasped in a breath at the same time as Rosalie. I had no idea what he was talking about, but I couldn't imagine what he was saying was true.

"Yeah, Rose, you're such a fucking hypocrite. You physically cheated on me; you actually kissed, touched and fucked other guys. He didn't do that to Bella. He just didn't get his head out of his ass quick enough to realize that he was in love with her and that Tanya was just playing fucking mind games. He fucking hates himself for it."

"Em..." Rose pleaded tearfully.

"No! You listen to me, Rosalie. He was never going to leave Bella for Tanya. Get it? Never. He was confused over what he felt because Tanya was messing with his head. And he felt guilty because he liked the attention. But Bella didn't exactly help her situation either, Rose. She tried to pretend like everything was fine, but we all saw through her little show. She was miserable and refused to attempt anything to change that. He tried to fix it, to at least be friends again until he could work out was happening in his head, but she wouldn't let him near her without an audience."

He took a deep breath and turned away from Rose, who was looking at her husband apprehensively.

"She was you, Rose. She was pushing him away, but never letting him go. She's decided now that she can be separated from him and yet she couldn't before? She was so unhappy before, so how could she walk away now? Why did appearances matter then and not now? The only difference is what happened with Angel. My heart bleeds for her, Rose. You know it does, but you saw him with your own eyes at the crash site. He fucking collapsed to the ground, screaming and howling in pain. She wasn't the only person who lost their daughter that day. You all fucking forget that because of his actions before the accident. What about Bella's actions, Rose? Why can't she take some of the blame? She was pushing him away and Tanya played right into that, giving him the attention he was craving from Bella. I know for a fact that when it happened with us, if there had been someone like Tanya around pushing all the right buttons, I would have paid attention, too."

"Emmett, you don't mean that, Rose whispered weakly, my own tears matching hers.

"I do, Rosalie. You made me feel like nothing, like my feelings didn't matter because I didn't agree with how you felt or thought. You never tried to meet me in the middle until it was almost too late. That's what she did, Rose. Instead of giving him time to wrap his head around everything, she made the decision and stuck to it, and when he tried to meet her half way, she shut him out because it wasn't what she wanted. She didn't even give him time to catch up to how she was feeling. It wasn't everything so she didn't want to know. I think he was an asshole, too, but he wasn't the only one to blame in this. Yet he's the one shouldering it all. She was wrong, too."

At hearing him say it, I let out a sob that I had been trying to hold back. He was right, maybe not about everything, but about the important things. Edward had lost his daughter, too, and by being surrounded by my own grief and pain, I had purposefully ignored that. I had the people who I needed around me and kept every one else at arms length. But that was my choice. He hadn't made that choice; it had been made for him. The only person he had was Emmett, and even he had to leave eventually to come home to Rose, Lilly and me.

"Oh, God, Bella." Rose turned quickly, taking a step to the door to see me standing there. She looked so sad when she realized I had heard everything. Emmett just seemed resigned to it.

"Where is he?" I asked shakily, taking a step through the door to face Emmett.

"I don't know," Emmett replied.

"Emmett, please? I..."

"I said I don't know, Bella, and I don't, okay? That's the fucking problem. I show up at his house today to check on him, like I do everyday, and the place is an absolute riot, as always, but there's no sign of him. His clothes and stuff are gone and there's a note with instructions for me to carry out, okay? " he spat at me.

"I'm sorry, Emmett," I replied meekly.

"Yeah, I know you are, Bella, but that doesn't help my situation much at this point in time. He could be dead in a ditch for all I know or anyone cares."

"Emmett!" Rosalie shrieks at him as she sees my eyes widen and my face drain of color.

"Don't 'Emmett' me, Rosalie. You haven't seen him recently. He's like a fucking dead man walking, a zombie, and I'm not going to sugar coat it just to make you two feel better." With that, he charged passed us and out towards the front door.

"Where are you going?" Rosalie shouted out.

"To find my brother before he does something stupid!" he shouted back at us then slammed the door.

"Rose, what if..." my voice broke as my whole body began trembling.

"Don't. You can't think that way. He'd never do that to you or Esme. Besides, you heard Emmett; his clothes and stuff are gone. He's probably just went somewhere to clear his head." She walks over and holds me to her, bringing me over to the couch.

After a little while of the two of us sitting and crying, she spoke."How much did you hear?" she whispered.

"I heard from him saying that he was gone."

"So you heard about our past?" I nodded my head because I understood what she was getting at. She sighed and slumped her shoulders away from me, putting her elbows on her knees and her hands clasped in front of her.

"I guess this is why I have been so hard on Edward. I've seen what cheating can do to a person. I never wanted to look at you and see the look in your eyes that Emmett had had. But you did. You got that dead, cold, unforgiving look and I hated him for it, but more so, I took the hatred I have for myself out on him, too. And for that, I'm so sorry, Bella."

She stood up and walked to the window, keeping her back to me.

"Everything happened so fast, Bella. First the rape, then the trial started four weeks later. It was all pushed through fast because of the heavy hitters who were involved. The trial ended a week later just as Dad got sick. We met Emmett, found out I was pregnant, married Emmett two weeks later and then Dad died. I didn't know where to look; I had no control over anything. So I did the only thing I could and took some of the control back. I used sex as my drug of choice. I knew men wanted me, but now they could only have me when I said so. It didn't matter that I was married or nine weeks pregnant. I just went out and did who I wanted, when I wanted until my miscarriage."

Crying, she turned back to look at me. She wrapped her arms tightly around her abdomen, as if trying to hold herself together as best as she could.

"I still maintain that my miscarriage was for the best, but it doesn't mean it didn't or doesn't hurt. But nothing will ever hurt me like the look on Emmett's face in that doctor's office. Em had fallen in love with me straight away and had been trying to push me to be anything and everything I could be, but I couldn't see it until that day. The doctors were explaining the miscarriage and what to expect, but they had also ran some tests and said that they needed us back in the week to see them. We went back and they told me I had Chlamydia. I had come away from the rape clean, apart from the baby, and yet I had caught a STD from, literally, all my fucking about. They had to test Emmett, and I had given it to him, too."

"How do you know?" I didn't want to imply anything about Emmett, but it was a niggling thought in my head.

"Part of the marriage contract was to take a full physical check up; he wanted to make sure I was 100% healthy. He was concerned for me after what had happened. After he got tested, he wouldn't talk to me for nearly two weeks. He drank constantly and shut me out. I couldn't handle it. Seeing that dead look in his eyes nearly killed me, and it made me realize what the hell I was doing and what I wanted. I begged and pleaded him to forgive me, but he wouldn't."

"So what changed?"

"I picked a fight with him one night, and it changed everything. I taunting him, hitting him occasionally until he couldn't take it anymore. He got so angry with me, shouting at me for being a whore and a slut, that he started to kiss me and feel all over my body, but it wasn't tender like it had been before. It was aggressive and forceful. He kept telling me I was nothing but a whore. To be completely crass, he fucked me until the two of us couldn't breathe. After the rage had cleared, he looked at me and saw what had happened between us. He got so upset that he collapsed onto his knees, pulling his hairs and rocking back and forth. He kept saying he was no better than the bastards who had raped me; he was no better than the men who I had used and had used me in return. I held him to me and told him that he was a better man than all of them. He would always be better because he was my husband. And I love him because he could fuck me into oblivion and then make love to me so sweetly I felt like I was in heaven. He could do both without hurting me. He saw me, like truly saw me. When he looked at me, I wasn't just some hot body to fuck. I was his everything."

She strolled back over and took the seat next to me again, but turned to face me and took my hands. She played with them nervously as she tried to decide what to say.

"We've been friends for six years, Rosalie. Why didn't you ever tell me this had happened?"

"I was ashamed, Bella. I'm the Edward from that situation. I didn't realize what I had until it was almost too late. I was lucky that Em forgave me and we worked to save our marriage. I'm not saying the situations are the same, Bella, I'm really not. But I can see the point Emmett was trying to make about Edward. I just hadn't before because I let whatever tiny bit of hate I still have for myself, and what I done, affect the way I was viewing your situation. I'm not saying you have to forgive him or take him back, but I do think that we need to acknowledge that you hold some responsibility in this situation, too, and that he is also hurting."

I nodded my head in agreement, letting my tears fall. He had been alone near enough this whole time with no one to talk to, no one to help him with this pain we felt from our loss. I remembered what Carlisle had said to me that night in the hospital. It kept repeating in my head.

"He's the only other person who is going to appreciate and fully understand 100% how you're feeling right now because he's feeling it, too."

He had been there holding my hand and being strong for me while our whole world was crumbling. He held me and let me cry. He was strong for me when he shouldn't have had to have been. He was feeling everything I was in that delivery room and yet he held it together for me. He tried to make everything right after she was gone; he tried to support me, but I had shut him out. I had not once done for him what he had done for. Not once in this whole situation had I been there for him.

Realizing this made me sick to my stomach.

I didn't have to forgive him, be in a relationship with him, or even be his friend again in order to be there for him. I should have been there so that we could lean on and support each other through this, because no one else understood except us. But I hadn't. I had done what I always did and ran from him, shut him out and left him to deal with everything going on in his head alone. Everything Emmett had said was right. I had pushed him away.

Emmett came crashing through the door with Lilly just as I had completed that thought. I jumped around to look at him. I needed to know if he had found him, but his eyes were solely focused on Rose, who was walking over to meet him at the door as Lilly scampered away up the stairs.

"I'm sorry, baby, I didn't... "Rose put her finger over his mouth to silence him then kiss him chastely on the lips.

"I know you didn't, but it's okay. It was the reality check I needed. I'm sorry; I know you're worried about him."

"Yeah, speaking of which, I found him," he said, looking up at me with sad eyes.

"Where is he?" I whispered, scared to get my answer.

"I'm sorry, Bells, but he's asked me not to tell you or any of his family. I just have to let anyone who asks know that he's okay and that he will be checking in with me. I have been instructed to take care of the check list he left, too."

"Which is?" I asked when he got a sad look on his face. He didn't answer. He just shook his head no.

"Em, come on, what is it?" Rose pleaded.

"I need to hire someone to come clean the house up."

"That doesn't sound so bad," Rose queried before he scoffed

"Yeah, you haven't seen it." He scoffed again, completely avoiding eye contact with both of us.

"What else has he asked you to do, Emmett?" I asked, getting more and more worried.

"Once that's done, I'm to hire painters and decorators to gut the place and change everything."

"Why is he doing that?" He continued to avoid my eye line and shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot.

"Emmett, why is he doing that?" I asked more firmly.

"Because he wants you to have a clean slate there. You know, be more comfortable."

"Why would he...?" I knew I was missing something.

"Because he's giving you the house," he all but whispered to the floor.

"What?" Rose and I screamed while I jumped up from the couch.

He huffed a large breath and looked up at us both."He's giving you the house, the car, and everything. He set up papers with your lawyer Joseph Jenks at his legal offices. They stated that the house, car and all the money in the account and savings account is to be all yours. He's signed everything over to you already. He figured it meant that if you wanted to file for divorce that it would make it easier on you instead of trying to thrash things out between lawyers."

"But I don't want that stuff." I was completely taken aback and collapsed back onto the couch.

"He figured you would want it because you picked it all. He said if you didn't, it's to be sold and the proceeds are to go to you."

"But what about him? That's his life's savings. All he'll have left is his trust fund and he hates using that." Emmett looked uncomfortable again, rubbing the back of his neck.

"What?" I asked hesitantly.

"Yeah, he might have put half of his trust fund into the savings account, too."

"But... but... that's over eight million dollars," I whispered.

"Yeah, you put that together with the savings account and your own account and you got just over eleven million dollars," he stated uncomfortably.

"Holy shit! " Rose exclaimed, looking wide-eyed between the two of us.

"Why has he done this, Emmett?" I whispered with tears stinging my eyes.

"Because he doesn't want to cause you anymore hassle. He knows if a divorce was to come up, it would be messy and turn into world war three between the lawyers. They'd ignore what he wanted and try to fit their own agenda. He doesn't want that for you."

I paled slightly as I registered what he was saying. Divorce. I hadn't even considered it since the night I'd sent him away. And now I was being faced with it - more like smacked in the face with it.

"He wants a divorce?" I whispered.

"No, God, no, Bella, he doesn't. He just wants to make any decision you decide to be easier on you. If that is what you want, he wants to make that as easy as possible for you. If not, then he'll know you're looked after even if he can't be the one doing it."

"He's not coming back, is he?" I whispered in shock.

"I really don't know, Bella. All I do know is that he just wants you to be happy." I now understood what he was saying.

But it didn't take the ache in my chest away.


	12. Ch 12  Awakening

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch. 12** - Awakening

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><p>Emmett followed Edward's request to a tee. He phoned a cleaning team and booked them, but they couldn't come for another week. He decided that I wasn't to see the house and took my house key off my key chain so I wouldn't sneak over and look at it before it had been cleaned.<p>

That so wasn't happening. I had to see it.

He also phoned Esme, Carlisle and Alice to inform them that Edward had done a vanishing act and that if they wanted any messages to get to him, they were to come through him. They didn't take it very well, but Emmett didn't hold back. It ended up with Jasper, Carlisle and Emmett all shouting and arguing on the front porch. I think Jasper even tried to take a swing at Emmett for the way he had spoken to Alice. But Em didn't care. He told them they had all but abandoned Edward and that he was protecting his brother like a real family is supposed to. It broke Alice and Esme's heart, but he was right. They had abandoned him. At the end of the day, he was their family and they walked away when he needed them most.

The week continued and I took Lilly out trick or treating for Halloween as a guise to see the house. It was despicable using a child like that, but I had to see how bad it had gotten. When we arrived on my street, I took Lilly around to nearly every house before going to mine to grab the spare key out of the pot next to the back door. I grabbed it and ran back to the car. I couldn't look while I still had Lilly. I didn't know what kind of affect it would have on me and I didn't want her to be witness to anything more than she already had. I decided I'd come back tomorrow instead of going to my support group.

After finally getting Lilly home and helping Rose around the house, I decided to head off to bed early. But I couldn't sleep. All I could think about was him and the things that Emmett had said. He'd said Edward was never going to leave me and that he had only enjoyed the attention because of our own strained relationship. I couldn't seem to get my head wrapped around that. From what I had overheard at the party, it more or less sounded like a sure thing. Yet according to Emmett, it was never going to happen.

He had been right in saying that I had pushed Edward away. I had refused to meet him in the middle because it hurt too much. I wanted everything or nothing, and I had wanted it yesterday. He'd had time while I was away to think about what I had said, but we hadn't really spoken things through and when we did, I didn't give him space to process anything. I never stopped to see if we could progress past what we had been because I didn't want to be patient. I wanted it there and then and when I didn't get it, I cut him off.

I turned towards the clock to see it was 3:15 am and I knew I wasn't going to get any sleep tonight. He was too much in my head and I had to see how bad it had gotten. I quietly got my trainers and jacket on and headed out to Edward's car, which he had Emmett bring over for me once I had got my cast off. I got in and in absolute silence. I drove the three short blocks to our home. I fished the key out of my jacket pocket, stopped at the front door to take a deep breath and stopped to remember why I was doing this.

I had to see how badly things had gotten for Edward.

I had to know what pain I had left him in.

I needed to know if I could still fix this to some degree.

I hadn't been prepared for what had been on the other side of the door. The mail and papers had all been piled up around the floor, but all the pictures that had been on the walls had either been smashed or were lying broken on the floor.

The kitchen looked like it had been ransacked; every drawer had been pulled out and everything was lying everywhere.

In the living room, there were empty bottles everywhere with spilt drink marks dotted about, cigarette buts lying all over the place with burn marks on the furniture. His prized possession - a seventy inch plasma TV - had been smashed and by the looks of it, a glass or two had been throw at it.

There was a strong smell of whisky everywhere.

As I walked through the house, the ache in my chest that I had been feeling worsened. Every room was the same except one. Her room - or at least what was going to be her room. When I saw the door slightly open, I knew he had been inside, but I couldn't understand why. We hadn't done anything in the room before the accident. What greeted me when I walked in through the door obliterated my heart. There was baby furniture. The furniture that I had mentioned in passing to Rose that I loved, but had no intention of buying due to the ridiculous amount of money it had cost. But he had obviously ordered it for me.

There was a cradle, a cot, a rocking chair, a chest of drawers, a changing station and a wardrobe all with matching hand craved designs on them. Everything was handmade and painted to your color of choice, as were the designs. I had mentioned to Rosalie that I had seen this beautiful little cuddly baby toy and wanted to base her nursery around it. The toy had been Disney's baby Dumbo sleeping on a cloud and if you pushed a button underneath, it played the lullaby from the film. I had bought it straight away and was instantly in love with it. I had envisioned the nursery being painted blue with a full moon and white clouds and stars painted everywhere. I had wanted a template of the Dumbo toy somewhere and he had choose it for the furniture.

"It's what sent him into his smashing tail spin." I heard a whisper behind me and jumped in a fright. There stood a very sorrowful Emmett in the door way, watching me silently cry over my daughter's furniture.

"It arrived the morning before he decided to leave. It was supposed to be a belated birthday/early Christmas present for you."

"How?" I whispered from being all chocked up.

"Rose tells me everything, Bella, and he wanted to prove to you that he was in, all in. Not just with the baby, but with you too. He wanted to show you he could try and love you the way you wanted him to and he was finally open to letting himself when the party happened. He invited Tanya to say goodbye, but she got to him like she always does and then when you said that you were done... he was just completely floored. He didn't know what to think anymore."

"He really wasn't going to leave me before that night, was he?" I asked, already knowing the answer. When Emmett slowly shook his head no, I closed my eyes to let myself feel the pain deepen.

"I don't understand, Emmett," I cried.

"I know you don't."

"Then explain it to me!" I shouted

"Are you sure you're ready to hear it?" he snapped back at me. I shrunk back from his tone slightly. The words wouldn't come out so all I could do was nod.

"You fucked up, Bella." At this, my eyes shot wide open and stared at him as if he was talking Russian or something. I was about to protest when he lifted his hand to silence me.

"You did, Bella; you played your part so good that you deserve an Oscar."

"What do you mean?"

"He never had any inkling that you were in love with him, not until the night you out and told him. The only people who knew were Alice and Rose because you told them. You had played the role of the best friend so well that he had no reason to question it. You never initiated any intimacy or affection, you were never romantic with him, and you didn't touch him in any way other than friends. You didn't have date nights and would rather read your books than do anything with him. Christ, Bella, you didn't even sit next to him on the couch, so when you dropped the bomb, it was completely out of left field for him. He had never thought you wanted more because you never showed it, especially after what had happened during your honeymoon."

When he mentioned the honeymoon, I cringed. He knew it was a sore point, so that's why he brought it up.

"You went on a honeymoon, and you more or less avoided him and when he thought he'd test the waters by coming up with the arrangement, it was the final nail for him. To be honest, it bruised his ego and hurt him a little, but he figured it was just because you were his best friend."

"What do you mean test the waters?"

"He knew he was attracted to you, had feelings for you, but he couldn't figure them out. So he came up with the arrangement, thinking that if you only wanted him, you'd be honest then pissed at him and shoot it down in flames."

"And I didn't," I finished for him

"No, you didn't. He figured that what he was feeling for you was brought on from all the emotions surrounding the wedding and how happy he'd been. He figured it all boiled due to him just being overprotective of his best friend when really it wasn't. Everything was so different between your relationships to the one he had with Tanya. When he was with her, she was constantly touching him in someway, she sat next to him with her legs over his, talking and laughing and kissing. She was affectionate with him; she told him openly how she felt about him. They would go out on date nights and hold hands and just be together. This was the only point of reference he had, Bella. His parents' and sisters' relationships looked the exact same way to him. He thought you didn't feel it because you weren't like that with him."

"I couldn't do that, Emmett. I thought if I showed him how I felt, he'd reject me and I'd not only lose my best friend, but the equal setting we had in our relationship."

"Not if you had went slowly, Bella, if you had started small and built on it. You can't just jump in and expect everything to work out in your favor. You gotta take your time."

"And I didn't do that," I whispered.

"No, you didn't. You kept it to yourself, let it fester away and hurt you until you had to tell him. You declared yourself and expected the Disney happily ever after reply. Well, I'm sorry Bella, life doesn't work that way."

"I know it doesn't, Emmett. You forget that I'm living it," I snapped.

"I'm not forgetting anything. I know your living it, but you're not facing it. You refuse to admit that any of this has been your fault. Your playing the victim in this when both of you are equally to blame. He didn't try hard enough to begin with, whereas you just didn't try at all, then you blindside him and expect the perfect outcome while he panics and over thinks every detail as not to ruin everything. And when he can't give you what you wanted straight away, you ran, leaving him with the snake in the grass vying for his attention when all he really wanted was you."

He was right. We both were to blame. I had expected my happily ever after and Edward's head must have just been spinning. All of the indifference and detachment that I tried so hard to keep with him, all the pain and anger from the accident, everything had just gone into the bowels of hell. I felt gutted and sick to my stomach. Everything I had thought I had known was wrong.

"How do I fix this, Emmett?" I pleaded

"I don't know if you can, Bella," he whispered to me. He had a look in his eye as if he knew what he was saying was going to cripple me. My knees buckled and I was on the floor screaming and howling. I was broken and grieving, letting the pain I had been feeling over the past months flow out of me until I was curled up on the floor with silent tears flowing down my face and Emmett cradling my head against his thigh.

"I can't give up on him, Emmett," I finally whispered.

"I think you might have to wait for a while, Bella," he replied, stroking my hair.

"I can't, Em; I love him too much to leave things this way. It hurts to breathe when he's not around. I feel like part of me is missing and I can't eat or sleep right."

"I know. I just don't know what to tell you, Bella. He's so broken beyond repair right now."

I scurried up until I was on my knees and looked at Emmett's face. He'd been so badly affected by all of it too. He had not only lost his niece and been worrying about me, but he had taken solely responsible of worrying about and taking care of his 'brother'. Looking more carefully at him, I could see the black bags under his eyes from his lack of sleep. The cheeky grin that was usually the focal point of Emmett's face had been nowhere to be found for weeks. We'd done that and I needed to start fixing it.

"Where is he, Emmett?" I whispered, pleading with him

"I can't tell you, Bella," he replied sadly.

"Please, Emmett?" I begged. I grabbed his hand between mine and literally begged on my hands and knees.

"I mean, I literally can't tell you, Bella, because in all honesty I don't really know. All he told me was that he was at the airport and had to get away for a while, but would be in touch with me. He didn't want anyone coming to the airport to stop him, and that was why I couldn't tell you."

"Okay," I whispered, feeling that defeated, sinking feeling again. I was in so deep in this that I felt like I was drowning.

"If he tells me where he is, I'll tell you and I'll also tell him to phone you if you promise me that you'll answer." He was now pleading to me, hoping that I wouldn't run.

"I will, I promise." With that said, he grabbed me into a bear hug. He let me drown in my pain and heartache and held me fiercely until I could breathe again. I knew within myself that I had not been facing things; I'd been putting on a good front and telling the bare minimum when asked, too.

But Emmett was right.

Edward and I were both to blame and I couldn't pretend anymore that I was the victim. I needed to accept my part and try to fix it. Even if we couldn't ever be together again, I needed to know that he was okay and that we could both move on. Thinking about it made my chest constrict painfully. I knew it was going to be harder than anything I could have ever imagined.

Time passed even though I couldn't pin point anything specific. I felt like I had been busy, but to look back over the days and describe what I had been doing, I couldn't tell anyone anything in particular. I was drowning in my own head and thoughts. I was losing parts of my day because I was spacing out and thinking about Angel, which leads to thinking about Edward and what I want to do to fix things.

He didn't phone Emmett so they didn't speak. Edward text him to tell him he had arrived at his destination safe and sound and that he'd be in touch soon. Emmett tried to phone him, but got his voicemail; he tried to text him, but never got a reply back. When he told me this, it sent me into a panic which led to me calling him. I also got his voicemail and continued to get it everyday that I tried to phone him after that.

It played on my mind in a constant cycle; thinking of Angel, thinking of Edward and wondering where he was. What was he doing? Was he okay? It was hard to think of anything else, especially with the holidays coming up.

Thanksgiving came and went. No Edward. We were all invited to the Cullens' house. I didn't go. I stayed at Rose and Emmett's and phoned Edward.

Voicemail.

Christmas Eve came and went. No Edward. I went to evening mass at our local church with my parents, the Cullens, the Hales, the McCarthys and everyone else in town.

I didn't want to be there.

They knew it and I knew it, but with Dad being in the public eye, it's more or less a family requirement. Gotta save face for the appearance's sake.

Ironic how it had been our concern for our family's appearance and reputation that got us into all this trouble in the first place.

They tried to get me involved in conversation and then had the minister mention our family and the loss of my daughter during his service. I felt sick to my stomach and loathed my parents and my parents in law for having him do it. Everyone already knew, it was a small town and a close knit community. As if we needed a reminder that she wasn't here. They tried to comfort me, but I wouldn't let them touch me. I phoned Edward as soon as the service was over.

Voicemail.

Christmas day came. No Edward. I stayed with Rose and Emmett, much to the chagrin of my family. My father actually had the sheer stupidity to show up at the door and order Emmett to hand over his daughter. Emmett just slammed the door in his face after telling him to write Santa and ask to be gifted him with a clue.

I laughed at that.

Lilly was a great distraction and she loved all her presents. She was concerned that Santa would forget me because I wasn't home, but I assured her that I had written to Santa to tell him where I would be. That made her happy. We sat around watching Christmas movies and listened to Rosalie read Christmas stories for her to enjoy.

"Merry Christmas, Aunty Bella," she whispered sleepily into my neck as she cuddled with me on the couch.

"Merry Christmas, Lilly," I whispered back.

"Do you think Santa found Uncle Edward too? I don't want Santa to forget him because he's away."

"I'm sure Santa heard about Uncle Edward, honey. He never forgets people," I whispered back, trying to stop the tears that were fighting to be freed from my eyes.

"That's good. I don't want Uncle Edward to be forgotten on Christmas," she mumbled.

"He won't, honey, I promise,"

"I think it's time for bed, Lilly," Emmett said softly to her. He watched her falling asleep on my lap, but also saw the pain her innocence was causing me.

"Night, night, Aunty Bella," she mumbled as Emmett lifted her from my lap. I stood and caressed her hair then kissed her temple.

"Sweet dreams, Lilly," I whispered. Emmett nodded his head sadly at me and took her to her room while I tried to phone Edward again.

Voicemail.


	13. Ch 13 Whirlwind Of Truth

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch** **13. –** Whirlwind Of Truth

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><p>The days continued pretty much the same. I spent as much time with Lilly as I could to distract myself from the date that was looming very closely on the horizon.<p>

December thirty first.

New Year's Eve.

Angel's due date.

My heart constricted knowing that her due date was approaching, but she wasn't there. My heart bled that I was alone because I had pushed away the only other person who understood my pain. Edward. Everyday I phoned him and every day it was the same outcome.

Voicemail.

The dreaded day arrived. I woke up, ran to the car and hid in my house all day. I hid in her room, needing to feel close to her even though she wasn't there. I needed to be in the room that still held the promise of what could have been. The rest of the house had been cleaned and fixed, but I didn't want to be there without him. I didn't want to be in the house that had held our every memory when he wasn't there with me, but that day I couldn't think of anywhere else I wanted to be. That day I needed our home. I craved to feel a part of him in someway, surrounding and supporting me. I needed to remember he was as real as she was, because I was starting to feel as if neither of them had ever existed. I was drowning in my pain and sorrow. The only thing I could do was rock on my knees like a crazy person, and ending up on the floor curled up in a ball until exhaustion took over and I fell asleep.

Rosalie screaming like a banshee from downstairs woke me up. By the time she reached me in Angel's room, I had woken up enough to remember why I was there in the first place. She found me on the floor and more or less flung herself at my body.

"Jesus, Bella, you frightened the shit out of us. What do you think you where doing?" She held me tightly to her as if she thought I was going to disappear.

I wish.

All I can do was moan out in pain as the tears started again. "Angel... Edward"

She pulled back from me and looked me in the eye. There was no doubt in my mind she saw my pain from the way she had looked at me. Rosalie felt it to an extent, although her loss was different in some ways. No more or less pain, just different. She never held her baby or knew if it was a boy or a girl. She has constant what ifs, but they were different from mine. I watched her look around the room and saw the realization in her eyes when she figured out where we were. Angel's furniture was still there, despite the fact that Emmett had the rest of the house cleared out. He didn't think it was healthy for me to keep it, but I told him it wasn't his decision to make.

"Oh, Bella," she whispered teary eyed, causing us to both break down. It was cathartic and cleansing for us both, I think. I didn't feel so alone, but she wasn't the person I wanted or needed holding me. After a while, we settled down to quiet whimpers. I lay on the floor again with my head in her lap while she played with my hair.

I seemed to be finding myself in this position a lot.

"It's going to get better, Bella. I promise," she said quietly.

"I know." I whispered, trying desperately to believe that eventually it would.

"All the firsts are the hardest, but getting by them makes you stronger. You're already so strong, Bella. I couldn't have done what you did."

"I had you all to lean on. I just wish…"

"You wish what, Bella?"

"I wish he had that support, too. I'm so scared, Rose. What if he doesn't come back? I didn't realize how much I wanted him around until Emmett told me he was gone. What if he does something stupid?"

"He wouldn't do that to you, Bella. He loves you, he'll come back. He's giving you both the time and space you need."

"I just want him here. It hurts, Rose. I feel like I can't breathe, like I'm broken. The only place I have ever felt truly safe was in his arms, but I've pushed him away. I couldn't handle all the hurt, the pain. I thought I could do this without him, but I don't think I can."

"I know, honey, but he will come back to you. He knows you needed your space and he had to have his own space, too. You both hurt the other as brutally and are now both dealing with this life changing loss. You needed a clean break from each other; everything had to fall apart because the relationship had been built on omissions of the truth and fear, but when he comes back, you'll have a clear, strong foundation. Everything is out in the open, there's nowhere else to hide. You both will fix this. Our family will heal from this and move on, I promise." she cried into my hair.

"I'm sorry, Rose." I turned my head so I could look in her eyes, wanting her to know that I meant it. I needed her to know I appreciated everything that they had done for me and what it had cost them and that I understood more then ever the pain that our family had suffered.

"I know, sweetie. It's okay."

We sat in the silence a little more, the comfort feeling soaking from one another. Our healing embrace was eventually interrupted by Emmett phoning Rose to remind her that we all had to attend the town's ball for the New Year's celebration. Charlie had phoned while we were out, asking Emmett to plead with me to come to the party. Seemingly they were worried and wanted to see me. They wanted to be my parents. I didn't know if I was ready to let them be that to me yet. It was slightly ironic. When I wanted them to be parents - they weren't. Now I don't – they suddenly want to be around.

Go figure.

Rose helped me to the car and told me repeatedly that we didn't have to go to the party if we didn't want to. She had seen the wreck I was after the Christmas Eve mass. She told me we could just skip it, no matter what Charlie had said. She'd deal with him. I appreciated her trying to protect me, but I knew I'd have to face them. It was my New Year's resolution.

No more running.

I couldn't be that weak little girl scared from the world anymore.

I both wanted and needed to take on my fears.

I was ready.

I knew I had to face everyone and the altered reality that we were living. The blinkers were now off; no one could pretend everything was okay anymore. The delusion of my happy marriage was over and my daughter was gone. I had been thinking of everything since Emmett and I talked. I realized that Edward and I were not the only people grieving our loss. Our parents had lost their granddaughter. Alice, Jasper, Rosalie and Emmett had lost their niece and last but definitely not least, Lilly had lost a cousin.

Being in the therapy group had helped me face things that I had been avoiding. I had opened up more about everything that had happened and how I'd got to the point in my life I had been in. The group were really sympathetic and helpful but very straight forward about things as well. They made me face my faults and the faults in others, and through their words I realized that although members of our family didn't help our situation, I was being unfair for holding them responsible for it. It was my choice not to admit my true feelings to Edward in the beginning, my choice to stay with him after the shit had hit the fan, to live the life I had created for myself. I could have walked away at any time, but I didn't so I can't blame our family for their choices.

I had to face them.

But I couldn't do that alone so I asked my sponsor from the group to come with me. The policy with the group was that they assigned you someone who has been in the group for at least six months. They are there to be your support any time, day or night; they are your guide through the group and help you with anything you need. I had been assigned to someone who I had actually met before. His name was Jacob Black. His father was actually good fishing buddies with my father.

Jacob had picked both his parents up from a night out and was driving them home. He was driving too quickly around a corner and had to swerve to miss hitting another car. They ended up toppling and rolling down an embankment. His mom died instantly. His dad was paralyzed, leaving him in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. And Jacob had died twice on the operating table, but had recovered eventually. He blamed himself for his mom's death and his dad's restricted life, but he was working through his grief.

Jacob and his dad, William - although, he preferred to be called Billy - were going to the town's New Year's celebrations so I knew I would have him, Rosalie and Emmett for support. But it didn't stop me wishing that Edward would be there for me instead.

Rose had been a life saver and had bought me a dress while she was out getting Lilly's and her own. It was a royal blue, floor length, empire waist, one shoulder design with a slit going up to just over the knee on the right side to show my leg. She had gone out shopping with Alice on the day after Christmas. She had told me that Alice had tried to emotionally blackmail her into getting me to go shopping with them or to come and see me afterwards. Rose stood her ground and told her that if she was any type of friend, she would respect my requests and let me come to her.

Seemingly Alice didn't take it too well.

Rose said she threw a hissy fit causing Rose to walk away from her and continue shopping on her own. We were both going to be facing Alice tonight and I, for one, was not looking forward to it. I didn't want to end up in a fight with my would-be best friend and sister, but I know Alice. She'll push and push until she gets the result she wants. She's extremely entitled and believes she's right when everyone else is wrong. I dreaded fighting with her, but I wasn't going to let her march all over me either.

"Do you think she'll cause a scene?" I asked Rose as she helped me curl my hair.

"It's Alice; of course she'll cause a scene. But don't let her get to you, Bella. I mean it. If she starts any of that bullshit, I'll slap her so hard her head will be spinning for a week," she spat out.

"What exactly did she say to you?" I wondered aloud. She huffed out a big breath.

"She told me the Cullens had every right to see and speak to you because you're her sister and it was a family matter. Seemingly, now that you've choosen to confide in Em and I, we are no longer part of said family. Apparently I'm only a friend and had no right involving myself in your family business. She can be such a self righteous little witch sometimes. Alice seems to think you should have had your family around you to grieve together and that I was manipulating you and the situation because of what I had been through."

"What the hell? How could she say that to you and in front of Lilly?" I shouted in shock. I was so angry with Alice that I was trembling in my seat. How dare she say those things to Rosalie? She should be grateful that we have such an amazing extended family who were more than willing to look after me.

"Bella, she was hurt and angry about the situation. You know what she's like; she's a meddling little pixie that's got to get in and about everyone's business in order to be happy. She thinks she knows best and can fix every situation. The fact that Edward and you have cut her off from doing this is driving her mad."

"Ugh, I'm so bailing if the shit hits the fan. I don't want to get arrested for assault for smashing her face. This is my life, I'll live it the way I want with the people I want in it," I moaned.

"Well, I am one lucky son of a bitch. I get to escort the three loveliest ladies on the planet to the New Year's celebration. I'm definitely a p.i.m.p.," Emmett said to us from the doorway, brushing the shoulder of his tux jacket. He finished off by rapping 'P.I.M.P.' to the Fifty Cent tune. He was trying to make us laugh, to shift the atmosphere. It made me love him even more for it. He was truly like a big brother to me, someone I loved and was grateful to have in my life – even if others like Alice weren't.

"Come hither, my ladies, the mini me awaits at the door." He laughed then headed down stairs to wait for us with Lilly. Rose and I laughed, too, letting the tension our conversation had caused to be forgotten. She went to the bed to grab her bag and headed out, but I grabbed her arm to stop her. When Rose turned to me with a confused face, I cuddled her tightly then let her go and stood back to face her.

"I just wanted you to know before tonight that Alice is wrong. You are my family. You and Emmett are like the big brother and sister I never had, and I appreciate how much you both have taken care of and protected me lately. I know you guys felt it just as hard as everyone else because you lost your niece, too, but you have held me together instead of letting on that you guys are hurting, so thank you and I love you so much. I just needed you to know that."

She cupped my face tenderly and kissed my forehead before hugging me again and whispering into my hair, "I know that already, sweetie. You are and always will be mine and Emmett's little sister and my child's aunt. We love you too, Bella, so much. We hurt for you, for him and for her."

"I know," I whispered back.

As we neared the party, I could feel my stomach twisting uncomfortably. I knew I had to face everyone and I wanted to. I just didn't want it to end up in a big mud slinging argument. I hoped that everyone would be on their best behavior due to this being such a big, public party. I hoped we could keep things polite, but now I doubted that would happen. When we arrived at the town hall, we left our coats at coat check and headed into the ball room. Emmett was walking around like the proud ape that he was. I swear, if he could have beat on his chest and sound a Tarzan call without Rosalie smacking the back of his head, he would have. We all looked around as soon as we walked through the doors, but I couldn't spot any of the Cullens or my parents.

Emmett walked us over to our table and then asked if we wanted anything to drink. We had all decided to stick with the soft drinks, in case we had to leave. None of us wanted to be drunk if anything went down. Just as Emmett walked away, I spotted Jacob walking towards us. Rosalie was interested to meet him.

"Bella, you look beautiful. I'm so happy you decided to come." He hugged me lightly and kissed both my cheeks.

"Thank you. You look pretty spiffy, too. I wasn't sure if I was going to come, but it's a family obligation. What are you gonna do?" I said while rolling my eyes, trying to lighten the mood.

"Yeah, I know what you mean; I'd rather be at my friend Sam's, drinking my ass off with the rest of the group." We both laughed and it wasn't until Rosalie cleared her throat that I remembered that she and Lilly were standing there.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry. Jacob Black, this is my adopted sister, Rosalie, you've heard so much about and my niece, Miss Lillian Violet McCarthy. Rosalie, Lilly, this is my friend, Jacob Black."

"It's lovely to finally meet you, Rosalie." He took her hand and kissed it. She nodded her head in acceptance, though watching him with a guarded expression on her face. Jacob then knelt down to Lilly to do the same.

"And it is an honor to meet you, Miss Lillian Violet McCarthy. You're older than what your aunty Bella described you to be. I was expecting a little girl with pigtails and missing teeth, not a beautiful little lady."

Both Rosalie and I smiled at Jacob's attempt to make Lilly more comfortable. She was always scared around strangers, as any child should be. But Jacob had a way with kids because he had two little adorable nieces that he saw everyday.

"I'm not a lady. I'm only five," she told him while holding up her hand to show him with her fingers.

"Well, Aunty Bella made it sound as if you were just a cute little baby," he told her then winked at me. He was a natural with her, just as I knew he would be. Jake was another deciding factor of me being here tonight. He was, in some ways, my sponsor; he was added support to the family I had choose to surround myself with. I knew Jake would be a hit with all of them and hoped that once Edward came home, he'd appreciate me having such a good friend.

"Aunty Bella." Lilly scolded me and stomped her foot. She was so much like her mother. Seriously, I thought only bratty teens on the stupid TV shows did that but no; it's a normal occurrence for the McCarthy women. I leaned down slightly so I was level with her too.

"I'm sorry, honey, but you're always going to be my little baby, Lilly." We all laughed when she scrunched up her face.

"Well, Jacob, it was lovely meeting you, but Miss Lilly has a get together with the other kids, so say bye to Mr. Jacob, Lilly."

"Bye, Mr. Jacob." She waved enthusiastically at him and gave him a big toothy grin.

"Have a magical night, Miss Lilly" Jacob told her before standing again.

"I'll be back in five minutes, Bella." Rose told me and headed off into the crowd to take Lilly to the children's party.

"So that's the infamous Rose and Lilly," Jacob breathed out.

"Yep. You weren't nervous, were you?" I giggled.

"Oh, come on, Bella, you talk about that woman like she's a saint, her husband's the macho man of the world and Lilly's a little angel." He laughed until he saw my smile slip slightly and he realized what he had said.

"Shit, I'm sorry, Bella, I wasn't thinking. It just came flying out. I'm sorry," he pleaded with me. I knew he didn't mean it, but it didn't stop the feeling like someone had punched me in the stomach. I smiled sadly at him to reassure him that everything was okay.

"How have you been today?" he spoke softly to me, as if worried the words would break me, while watching me intently and rubbing my arm.

"I've been okay. I went to her room this morning and broke down. Rosalie came and found me and the both of us spent most of the day in the room, just crying and grieving. After it, I felt a little lighter. Obviously I was not one hundred percent and if I could be anywhere else in the world than here right now, I would be. But it's like you keep telling me, I can't run anymore, I have to face things head on." I felt slightly more empowered after telling him everything.

"You're right, you do. You'll do great, Bella. This is a hard step and every first after this is going to be a hard step, but it will get easier. I promise."

It struck me that he had said almost the exact same thing Rosalie had said to me earlier that day. I didn't know if things would truly get better. I didn't know what their definition of better was compared to mine. Did it mean I would be happy again someday? Did they mean that the pain would become bearable enough just to live again? I had to trust that they knew what they were talking about because both of them had lived through it.

He cuddled me and I felt comforted for a moment.

"Right, enough of the mushy stuff. Want to dance?" he asked me, wiggling his eyebrows to make me laugh as I agreed.

We danced together for a little while, laughing at random things that caught our eyes. Like Mr. Newton trying to hit on his wife's best friend, Mrs. Mallory. We must have danced to at least four songs before I felt a presence behind me. I tensed up slightly, wondering who it was. I had felt like someone's eyes had been on me and following me since we started dancing. I relaxed when I turned and saw Emmett standing there with a scowl on his face.

"Mind if I cut in?"

"Of course not," Jacob replied cockily with a smirk as if trying to show the huge bear of a man that he wasn't scared, but the slight tremor of his hand that was still holding mine gave it away.

"Emmett, this is Jacob Black. I told you about him from the group. Jacob, this is my big brother, Emmett." My introduction caused Emmett to smile so big, I thought his face might break into two.

"It's nice to meet you, man. Bella talks very highly of you," Jacob said while offering his hand to Emmett. He accepted and shook it.

"Yeah, you too, man. Thanks for helping my little sister."

"No problem, anytime. Well, I'll leave you both to it. I've got to go find my dad. Talk to you later, Bella." He leaned in and kissed my cheek before heading off and leaving me with Em. His friendly gesture made me feel a little less nervous. It reminded me that even surrounded in a room full of strangers, I had people who cared for me.

"Mi lady." He bowed before me, causing me to laugh and curtsey in return.

"Good sir."

He took a hold of my hand and we danced. It was as comfortable as it always is with Emmett. He makes me feel safe. He's like a big cuddly teddy bear.

"So, Jacob seems like an alright guy," he said nervously.

"Yeah, he is," I replied, wondering where he was going with his statement.

"But that's all he is, right? I mean, he's not... " I pulled away from Emmett's chest to look at him. I paused briefly and felt a shot of pain run through me. I was completely floored that Emmett was thinking along the lines he was. My eyes stung with the tears I was trying to hold back and I stiffened my posture, ready to fight him on what he was thinking. Emmett noticed the change in me straight away and looked down at me apologetically and yet pleading with his eyes for me to answer him.

"Are you seriously trying to ask me if anything is happening between Jacob and me? Have you not been watching me recently? I phone Edward everyday. I ask you everyday if you have heard from him. I dream about him every night. He's in my every thought and you're asking me about Jacob?"

"I know you've been doing those things, Bella, but as you pointed out, Edward isn't here and I don't want you falling into someone else's arms just for the sake of comfort. It's not fair to you or them." He begged me to understand where he was coming from. He was trying not only to protect Edward but me as well.

"I know, Emmett. Nothing is happening between Jacob and me. He's my therapy group sponsor and my friend. I want Edward to be the one I talk to about all this. I want him to be my support group, but right now, he's not here to do that so I'm depending on my friends and loved ones to get me through until he comes home. Jacob gets it, you know. He understands the grief and the guilt," I said quietly.

"Bella, you have nothing to feel guilty for."

"I was driving that car, Emmett, when I knew I shouldn't have been. I was upset and distracted. I wasn't paying attention and took it for granted that nothing would happen. I can't look back and think 'what if', but I can look back and take responsibility for my actions. Isn't that what you wanted me to do?"

"Yeah, but I don't want you to be beating yourself up with guilt. I want you to acknowledge that you held some of the responsibility and face up to your mistakes so that you could move on and get to a better place in your life. You've been doing that so don't let the guilt hold you back."

"I don't, Emmett. I'll admit that I was wrong and feel guilty when I think about it, but I don't let it take over my life anymore. I can't. I owe it to Angel to live my life to the best of my own ability because I made it."

"Okay, Bella. You know, I was talking to Rose earlier and she was really touched by what you said to her." He smiled down at me and I could feel all the love and adoration he held for me warming my heart.

"I meant every word, Emmett. You guys are family no matter what anyone says," I stated.

"Good to know, Bella, because we are not going anywhere. We love you too much." I had already known that, but it was still amazing to hear.

"I love you guys, too."

Emmett and I continued dancing, just enjoying each other's company. I had just started to relax when we heard someone clearing their throat beside us. I knew who it was without even having to turn my head.

It was my dad. 


	14. Ch 14  Another Point Of View

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch**** 14**. – Another's Point Of View

* * *

><p>"Mind if I cut in?" he asked gruffly while pleading with his eyes. Emmett looked at me to make sure I was okay. Of course I wasn't. My heart was racing and my palms were sweating. I felt like I was going to throw up, but I knew I had to face this. It was another hurdle to pass so I nodded and watched Emmett disappear into the crowd.<p>

The dance with Charlie was stiff and uncomfortable. I've said it before and I'll say it again: I knew my parents loved me. I have never doubted that, but they didn't know me. The second song was just about to start when I decided it wasn't going to go anywhere between us. He had avoided eye contact with me and never even attempted to start a conversation. I wanted things to get sorted between us, but I needed him to give me something to prove he wanted that, too, and I felt like he didn't. I was just about to say goodnight and walk away when I looked into his eyes.

Regret.

Pain.

Anguish.

His bottom lip was trembling. His face all gaunt and sullen and his eyes were glassy with the tears that had yet to fall. I'd never seen my dad look so weak before. He had always been bright-eyed and bushy-tailed with a proud smile that lit up the room. Charlie had always looked so strong, but now he didn't look like the man I remembered. He didn't look like my daddy.

"Please forgive me, Bella," he whispered as we stopped dancing. It was only then I noticed how badly his hands were shaking and how defeated his body language was.

"Do you really want to do this here? Now?" I whispered back.

"I can't have you hating me anymore." His voice was shaky and I saw him blink to stop the tears.

"I never hated you, Dad. I was just hurt you didn't ride in on your white horse and save me," I whispered back and tried to encourage him to continue dancing.

"I was giving him time, something I never had."

"What do you mean?" I ask confused.

"I love your mother." He looks me straight in the eye, but I still didn't understand.

"I know you do." I couldn't understand where he was trying to lead me to in the conversation. I didn't understand why he was talking about my mom. Growing up, I'd always known that they weren't in love with each other. They weren't Cinderella and Prince Charming, but they had always loved and respected each other as friends and partners. It was part of the reason I had never been honest with Edward because I had always figured that if I could have had at least a fraction of what my parents both had then I could have been happy. But I was wrong. I needed and wanted more. I could tell from the look on his face that he noticed my growing frustration, but I could tell he was struggling with the words he wanted to say.

"No, Bella, you don't understand. I'm in love with your mother."

"Then why..."

"She doesn't return the sentiment. She did once, but she fell out of love with me when work became a priority to her. I didn't let myself love her because she was a stranger to me and I thought working and providing for her was more important. My idea of love was off kilter back then. I didn't realize what I had until it was too late. I was giving Edward time to not repeat my mistakes."

"What do you mean until it was too late?"

"Do you remember Mr. Dwyer? Phillip?"

"The school's physical education teacher, the one who died of a drug overdose when I was a kid? Yeah, why?"

"Your mother was and still is in love with him," Charlie stated as if it was not important.

"What the hell? He was married." I was like a pendulum swing with my emotions flying back and forth from confusion to anger. How could she have loved someone else and I'd never known? How could she do that to my father? To our family? To Mr. Dwyer's family?

"So is your mother."

"How?"

"They met at her gym and became friends. She swears nothing physical ever happened between them. She told me she could never do that to me after everything I had done for her over the three years we had been married, but she fell in love with him and from what I understand, he fell for her, too."

"Then why did she stay?"

"Mainly it was for you. She was pregnant with you when they met. Part of it was for your grandfather Benton; she didn't want to disgrace his name. Part of it was for me. She may not be in love with me, but she does love me in a sense. I'm her best friend. Part of the reason was her not wanting to cause a scandal with me working my way up the political ladder, but mostly it was you."

I felt like my head was spinning. Everything I thought I knew was wrong.

"She wanted you to be happy and normal. She didn't want to be the reason you didn't succeed in everything you ever wanted to do and she knew if she had followed her heart that that would have broken not only you, but your future. She didn't want your prospects and reputation tainted by hers. It was also the reason why we let you know Edward before the arrangement was made. The Cullens were very like minded as us in the way that they wanted better for their children without throwing out our traditions."

I knew that. I had heard Esme during the argument at the party say that to Edward.

"We wanted you to have the choice, but I knew. I took one look at you when you met that boy and I knew that you loved him. Your whole presence completely changed. You had the brightest smile, rosy cheeks and a twinkle in your eye. And he was mesmerized by you, too. He followed your every movement with his eyes. You both were glued to each other. He moved, you moved. You gravitated around each other. You both would sit and talk for hours and no one could get near you. It was like none of us existed."

I listened to him telling me this all. Esme had briefly touched on the subject during her argument with Edward, but listening to my dad, it had kind of confirmed everything she had said. It was an eye opening experience seeing things from their point of view, from someone outside looking in, because I had never realized before then that we had done that.

But we did.

I remembered.

Before I could drown in the thoughts, where I was rethinking everything from my dad's point of view, he pulled me back.

"And your wedding…God, Bella, that boy was a jumping bag of nerves that couldn't breathe. Then we walked into that church. He took one look at you and calmed down straight away. His face lit up like a Christmas tree; his whole physic changed. He couldn't take his eyes off of you. You were the center of the world for him that day and the same for you with him. I honestly thought that was the day he figured out what everyone else had seen all along. From what Emmett tells me, he knew something was different, but the honeymoon changed his ideas."

I cringed again at the mention of our honeymoon and at the fact that my dad had been so observant, seemingly noticing everything I had missed. I wanted nothing more than to listen to my dad and absorbed all the positive things he was telling me about the way Edward was with me, but it just made me realize what a huge mistake I had made with us. Why hadn't I seen what my father had? Why couldn't Edward and I have seen what everyone else seemed to have seen?

"When you announced the baby, I thought you two had started to get things on track. Then the episode happened with that Tanya woman. I followed him out and he was shouting at her. I thought he was dealing with her, trying to keep her away from you all. I honestly thought that your pregnancy would have been his wake up call. It had been mine with your mother's. Seeing her pregnant, she glowed in a way I had never seen before. Then when she had you, it hit me like a freight train, but by then your mom had befriended Phillip. I thought Edward had been smarter and had realized what was in front of him. Then your anniversary happened... And the crash and... And the -"

He stopped and held his breath. The two of us had tears in our eyes. I knew what he was trying to say, but I couldn't help him finish the sentence. I needed him to say it, to see it from his point of view.

"And then the baby." A few tears slipped from him eyes, but he didn't wipe them away.

"To see my baby and her baby in that mess of a car, knowing my granddaughter wasn't going to make it, I thought it was the hardest thing in my life that I'd ever endure. But it wasn't. It was seeing the realization in his eyes. We pulled up to the crash site and everything went in slow motion. I couldn't take my eyes off him."

He looked down and shook his head, trying so hard to compose himself. Before I would have assumed it was because of our surroundings, but I had a feeling that he was trying to do it for me.

"Please, tell me, Daddy. I need to hear it," I pleaded, ignoring the tears that were silently falling down my face. We were still dancing close together in the center of the room. The dance floor crowded with people who either didn't notice or were kind enough to pretend they didn't and gave us that moment. He lifted his head and looked me in the eye. He was searching. He wanted to know that I wouldn't run.

I couldn't

"He ran to the car, but his legs gave way as we got closer. I watched his face as the realization of everything came to him. He had figured it out; he finally knew he loved you and he thought you were dead. The police, fire engines and ambulance's had already arrived and wouldn't let us through. Edward was screaming, howling in pain and sobbing. His continued howling that he had killed you, and wanted to die, too. The paramedic knocked him out."

"Oh God." I leaned my head on his shoulder and he cuddled me closely like he'd done when I was a little girl.

"When he woke up and was told what was happening, all he wanted was to be with you, but Carlisle wouldn't let him. Every time he came near you, your heart monitor went crazy. So he wasn't allowed to touch you. They didn't want to chance losing you again. I told them it was because you knew he was there, but they wouldn't listen. When she was born... When she was... gone. The nurse brought her out of the room. He stayed with you until you had fallen asleep. He came out of the room and looked like a dead man walking. There was no soul in his eyes. All he could say was that he had killed you both. Your spirit and her soul."

"He went after the nurse and spent the next five hours and twenty three minute with that little girl, caring for her and begging for forgiveness. When the doctors took her away, he broke down. He sobbed for an hour straight. Then he washed his face and headed back to your room. When Alice tried to stop him, he looked at her with vacant eyes and told her that he had to be strong for his wife, and then marched away."

"He was there all day, everyday. He was too terrified to leave. Then the bleeding happened and he prayed. He fell to his knees in that corridor, covered in your blood and begged, pleaded and prayed for God to take him instead of you because he deserved it. You didn't."

"I didn't know," I whispered into his shoulder, hiding the tears by leaning my head into his jacket. I felt him nod his head then continued on.

"After you told him it was over, he came every night and just watched you sleep. He wanted to protect you from your dreams."

"What do you mean?" I pulled back from his shoulder to look at him. He gave me a sad smile.

"You had nightmares. He would hold you and you would settle down. The doctors said it could have ended up in full-scale panic attacks, but he'd touch you and you'd calm straight away. He's part of the reason you got home so quickly."

All I could do was nod my head while trying to register everything he had told me. It was like an information overload. Emmett had told me some things, but he hadn't been there for everything. He had Rose and Lilly to take care of. Whereas my dad, I was his little girl and he wouldn't leave me so he was witness to everything.

"You have always been my number one priority, Bella. I didn't intervene when I knew you were going through that rough patch because I honestly thought he would come around and realize how he felt about you. I thought it would make you two stronger. I wanted you to have the love you deserved. I'm so sorry, baby."

Everything was being brought out of the woodwork recently and I couldn't figure out how I had been so blind as to not have noticed all these things before.

"Its okay, Daddy. I understand now." And I did. I understood that so much outside influence affected mine and Edward's relationship as well as what we were doing to each other. When things had gotten bad in my relationship, I had automatically assumed my dad was going to ride like a white knight and save me, and when he didn't, felt non-important and abandoned. Now I knew he was trying to save me in a different way. He had been trying to save my marriage by righting his own wrongs through Edward. He was trying to let Edward man up and be everything he couldn't and hadn't been to my mom.

He pulled me into a cuddle and held me tightly. I spotted my mom watching us from the side. She was crying silent tears, too. I could only assume she knew that he was telling me everything and that she knew what was going on. I understood now. They both wanted me happy and genuinely thought I would achieve it. Dad wanted to fix his own mistakes through Edward and Mom wanted me to have what she never got the chance to.

I then saw Esme cuddle my mother into her side. The family were all standing there watching us. They had trepidation on their faces. They knew I was not happy with them. They knew I thought they were in the wrong, but they were my family and I knew I couldn't ignore them. Charlie and I walked towards them. Emmett, Rosalie and Jacob, who had all been watching us together, noticed where we were heading and followed over for support. We got to the group and Alice came over to me, as if to hug me, but I flinched and cuddled into Charlie.

The look on her face broke my heart. She was so hurt.

Then I thought about Edward.

And I wasn't so broken-hearted anymore.

"Perhaps we should take this to the library," Carlisle voiced, seeing the changes my body language had taken. Everyone nodded their heads and we moved to the study. People took seats where they could while others stood.

It's like an old fashion western stand off.

You could see where the lines were drawn by the group you were standing with.

"Bella, sweetheart, how have you been?" Carlisle asked. I could see the worry for me in his eye, but I could also see the pain, too.

"I'm fine, Carlisle. All healed up," I stated sarcastically. It hurt me to be this way with them, but they hadn't just let Edward down, they had let me down, too. I knew they had a right to be hurt and angry, but I had trusted them to be there for him when I couldn't, and didn't know if I ever could be there for him again. I trusted them to be his family and they had abandoned him.

"That wasn't what he was talking about darling," Jasper drawled softly. He was being cautious.

"I know that, Jasper. What would you like me to say?" I snapped at him. I could feel my dad squeeze my waist. At first, I thought it was to calm me down, but when I looked at him, I saw pride in his eyes. He was proud of me. I was standing up for myself. I wasn't running.

"You can say anything you want, Bella." Jasper brought me back to the situation at hand.

"I don't think that would be a very good idea." I scowled at him. I didn't want this to turn into world war three tonight. I wasn't ready for it. But then I hadn't anticipated the way I felt being around them all - the rage and anger, the disgust, especially after hearing what my dad had said about how Edward had been like earlier.

"Why not?" Alice whispered.

"Where's Edward?" I asked, cutting straight to the point and watching their reactions. All of them looked so upset and hurt.

It pissed me off.

"See, that right there. That's why it's not a good idea."

"I don't understand," Alice again whispered.

"You're pissing me off. You have no right to be upset that he's gone. You blamed him for everything then abandoned him when he needed you most."

"Bella..."

"No, I know what has been done to him. Emmett and Dad told me everything. I know he made mistakes and fucked up, but you're his family. You're supposed to love, care and provide for him no matter what. You did it before the shit hit the fan and now that it has, you left him."

"That's pretty hypocritical don't you think, Bella?" Jasper snapped at me as Alice turned and sobbed into his chest.

"No, Jasper, it's not because if I had known that you all had left him, I would have been there with him. I trusted you all to take care of him when I physically couldn't and you left him."

"Bella, sweetheart, please..." Esme pleaded while crying

"Do you know he was so messed up Emmett thought he was going to walk in there one day and find him dead?" I could feel the tears streaming down my face at this point. To even think it still caused me physical pain. I saw Alice and Esme flinch, too. They were sobbing.

I still didn't feel sorry for them.

"We were angry with him and hurt over what had happened. We had told him, warned him," Alice sobbed into Jasper's chest.

"I don't give a shit if you were angry, Alice. He needed you and all you could do was throw his mistakes back in his face."

"We had every right to be angry with him - we told him!" She was facing me now. I could see her starting to get angry, but I didn't care.

"No, actually, Alice, you didn't have that right."

"He killed my niece!" she screamed at me.

"No! I killed her, not him!" She sucked in a breath and looked completely floored that I would say that. One of the first steps in my therapy group was taking responsibility for your own actions. Yes, I had not physically killed my daughter, but Edward and my actions and decisions had lead to that end result. But I was the one driving the car when I knew I shouldn't have been. I knew better than to drive in that state and yet I'd done it anyway. It always caused a physical pain in my chest to think about her and the accident, and it always would.

"I drove that car when I knew I shouldn't have! I wasn't paying attention to the road! I didn't stop to think or listen! I did it, Alice, and it was an accident. Edward did things wrong, too, I admit that. He was confused by me and manipulated by Tanya. But I was driving that car! I swerved to miss a deer! I did that!" I screamed

"But we warned him!" she screamed back

"What? You mean like we warned Jasper about Maria?" The two of them looked like I had slapped them across the face.

"That's a low blow - you know that - and it's completely different. Now you're just trying to be hurtful," Jasper replied.

"No, actually, it's not different. We warned you that Maria was a manipulative bitch and yet you still signed up for another tour to follow her about. You fucked up; you fucked up big time and nearly got yourself killed. But we kept our mouths shut and supported and cared for you through everything, even when you had convinced yourself that Maria was going to come back for you when in reality she wasn't. We supported you, Alice, when you took him back, even after he'd hurt you again saying he was waiting for her. We never once threw it in either of your faces that we had told you so. We never once threw it in your face that by hurting and rejecting Alice, you had hurt and rejected us, too. Maria played you just like Tanya was playing Edward. The only difference in this situation is that you've got all self righteous and took it upon yourselves to be the judge, jury and executioner."

"It's not the same!" Alice shrieked.

"Yes, it is, Alice! It's exactly the same, only the details are different. Jasper nearly physically died where as Edward is mentally dying. You left him when he was at his worst. You may have lost your niece, but he lost his whole world in the span of one night. He lost his daughter, his wife, his family. His whole life as he had ever known it was gone and all you could think about was yourself and how it affected you. He wanted to die, Alice." I was sobbing on my knees by the time I was finished screaming at her.

"She's right," Esme whispered. I could hear the pain in her voice and it killed me. She was like a second mother to me. I loved her, and the last thing I wanted was for her to feel pain and yet a tiny part of me felt vindicated that she was feeling a fraction of the pain Edward and I were feeling.

"We had already spent so much time and energy looking after, defending and taking Edward's side in everything when he didn't need us to that when the accident happened and he did actually need us, we pushed him away. We felt concerned and so much guilt about what was happening to you that we didn't think when it came to Edward. We just let our grief and anger lash out at him, but you have to at least try and see it from our point of view, Bella. We lost her then we lost you. You're our family," Esme pleaded with me.

"So is he, but he's your flesh and blood, physically part of you. I do see it from your point. That's the sick part, because I feel like I don't know who you all are anymore. I could never imagine that you'd do this to him, that your love and support for him could be conditional. You said it yourself, Esme, you were always looking out for and defending him until the moment he actually needed you to. I could never do that to someone, let alone my flesh and blood. I would do what I have always done - put my own shit aside and support you all." I stood from the floor with the help of Em and dad, and looked at them all.

"I physically and mentally could not be there for him. I didn't think I would ever want to be again, but I felt reassured when I stupidly thought that you all would be. This was our pain; it happened to us and we needed you. He needed you because he realized at the absolute worst moment that I was his whole world and that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. Edward and I forgave Jasper for his mistake. We supported Alice when we thought she was wrong. We have never judged anything of your life and choices, Carlisle and Esme. We've supported the four of you, even when you were wrong and it hurt or affected us. It makes me physically sick to think that you could let him down like that. We lost our daughter's life by a terrible accident, and you've lost your son's by choice."

With that said, I turned and walked out of the room, followed closely by my parents, Em, Rose and Jacob. By the time we were all out of the door, I was shaking like a leaf and they had huddled around to support me. I could feel all my strength fading away, letting the immense pain in my heart break through. I had hurt my family, but it had been things that had need to be said, that needed to be heard. I didn't regret us, though it didn't stop the pain I felt for it. Hearing myself say the things I had said about Edward caused even more pain. I hadn't allowed myself to admit it before tonight. I had held out hope, but at that moment, realizing just how lost and hurt he was, I had to admit that he might never come home.

I might have lost him.

I had to swallow the bile rising in my mouth and breathe deeply to stop from fainting.

"Are you okay, baby?" my mom whispered and she started stroking the base of my neck. My shaking lessened and the group dissolved a little

"I didn't mean for that to happen, especially not tonight," I told them

"Its okay, honey, it was things you needed to say. Now that the smoke has been cleared, and the next time you see them, you can decide what you want to do." I could see everyone nodding their head in agreement with her.

If it wasn't such an intense moment, I might have laughed at the multi bobble-head display.

"What do you want to do now, baby?" mom asked me.

"I just want to go home," I pleaded with them, but I found when I looked up at them that I don't have to. My parents were showing they cared, that they've always cared, but are now trying to prove it.

"I'll take you home. Charlie, darling, you stay here and I'll be right back, okay?" She stared into his eyes and he nodded. Both Emmett and Jacob offered to take me home, but mom insisted that she wanted to be there for her daughter.

We got into the car and I was so zoned out that I didn't realize where she was taking me. It wasn't until she stopped the car and I looked outside that I knew where we were going.

The crash site.

I started hyperventilating and shaking. Mom got out of the car and came to my side and got me out of the car.

"Mom, please," I begged. She held me tightly to her chest and rocked me for a moment.

"Baby, please, look. I need you to look for me."

"I can't." All I could think was, why was she doing this to me? Had I not been through enough torture for one night? I never wanted to see this place again, never wanted to face the pain. I could handle everything else the therapy group had asked but this.

This I had refused to do.

It hurt too much.

I wasn't ready.

"Bella, you need to see this. You know I would never do anything to hurt you. You need to see this. Especially tonight." I nodded my head into her shoulder and she guided me over to the crash site.

I caught my breath and prepared myself to look at the sight of my worst nightmare, and instead, I was met by a marble statue of a cherub wrapped up in a set of angel wings. It was sitting on a marble slab with some writing on it. The site had been fenced off with a tiny little white picket fence and flowers had been left. I stared at it all in wonderment. The only thought that would register in my head was that my baby mattered, she was real and I had the memorial now to prove it. I was overwhelmed with the feelings of gratitude and peace I felt in that moment.

"Thank you, Mom," I whispered.

"It's okay, baby. I thought you should see it."

"Thank you for doing this," I felt the tears in my eyes again.

"We didn't, baby. We just sold this bit of land so that Edward could. "

Edward?

"Edward did this? He bought this?" I asked, still not taking my eyes off of the memorial for my baby.

Our baby.

"Yes. We owned this part of land; it's part of the estate that comes with the cabin. He bought it from us and did this for you"

"Who are the flowers from?"

"Emmett, Rosalie, and Lilly, your father and me, and Edward." My heart panged at his name.

"You've spoken to Edward?"

"No, baby. We've tried to since he finalized buying the plot, but he won't return our calls. The flowers and card arrived at the house this morning. "

"The Cullens don't know about it?"

"Only your father, Edward and I know. Emmett gave the flowers to us this morning after you disappeared. They knew your father and I were going to be coming out here and they we're going to try to bring you, not knowing what Edward had done but then decided against it. " I nodded my head.

"Can I stay for a little while?"

"You can stay as long as you like, baby. I had one of the drivers follow us so I'll leave the car. Just promise me you'll be careful going home. "

"I promise. Thank you, Mom. " I hugged her tightly.

"I love you, baby, so much and I am truly so sorry." She kissed against my temple and walked away, leaving me to the silence and my daughter.

I went over to look more closely at the slab. It had Angel's name, date of birth, size and weight on it. There was also a northern star engraved above all the information. I pulled my dress to my knees so as to kneel down next to the slab and let the tears fall. I was so thankful to Edward for doing this for me. He had messed up in our past, he had taken me and his feeling for me for granted, but he had been trying to do everything right for me since the accident. I cried for the three of us. I missed my baby, I missed Edward and I missed what we could have been. I had been so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't heard the footsteps behind me, but I had felt a change in the air and my body.

I didn't even have to look.

I knew.

"Bella?"


	15. Ch 15 A Different Perspective

**Guidance**** Of**** A**** Little**** Angel**** Ch ****15.** – A Different Perspective

* * *

><p>My throat closed over and my mouth suddenly became as dry the Sahara desert. I closed my eyes and felt a shiver run through me, but it wasn't from the cold; it was from his proximity to me. It made the hairs on the back of my neck stand and butterflies erupt in my stomach. It was like a surge of energy surrounded us. His voice sounded rough and hoarse like it hadn't been used in a while. I felt my breaths coming quicker as my heart pounded in my chest.<p>

He was here.

Edward was here.

I stood up slowly, dropping my dress that had been bunched at my knees, and then turned to look at him. He was dressed in a black suit, a white shirt with the top three buttons unfastened and his black patent shoes. The attire he had on looked amazing, but when I looked past what he was wearing, I could see how terrible he really did look. His hair was fixed so it didn't look as disorganized as it normally did and he was clean shaved - that was all the amazing parts. The terrible part was how gaunt and hollowed his face looked; his eyes had lost the sparkle that was usually there, and they looked dull and lifeless. They were also red-rimmed as if he had been crying and had dark purple bags under them. He looked as if he had lost a lot of weight; he didn't look as toned and built as he always had before. His hands were shaking and he looked completely shocked to see me there. He looked so fragile, as if you could knock him over with a feather.

"Edward," I whispered then took a small step toward him to which he took a step back, causing my heart to plummet to my stomach.

"I just…." I didn't know what I wanted to say. There was so much I wanted to talk to him about, but I couldn't think of one thing at a time so I let it trail off.

"What are you doing here?" he asked cautiously. He looked a little dazed and confused to see me. His eyes were trailing over my body before finally settling on my eyes, where he then flinched and tore his gaze away, looking more pained than he had when I first looked at him.

"I could ask you the same thing," I replied softly, swallowing the lump that had appeared in my throat. He shook his head and looked down to the ground before he took a deep breath and lifted his head to look back at me again.

"I'm sorry; I didn't mean it that way. I thought you would have been at the party."

"I was, but I left. Is that where you're going?" I pointed my hand out to how he was dressed. He gave me a small sad smile that didn't reach his eyes and shook his head.

"No."

"Then why?"

He looked past me to the memorial then walked forward, making sure to leave a wide space between us before reaching the slab and kneeling next to it. "For her. I wanted to make an effort for her."

"Oh," was all I could think to reply. My brain was going into overload. I was surprised that he was finally here after months of not seeing him or hearing from him, but I was a little hurt that he had not come to me. I could understand why he wanted to be here, in this spot, but surely it would have been better if we had intentionally done this together instead of accidentally.

I had turned to watch him as he caressed the stone. My eyes that had been already glassy beforehand suddenly overflowed with tears that streamed silently down my face. I blinked to try and stop them, but it was to no avail. I wanted to reign in my emotions so we could speak to each other. I didn't want a fight or start throwing blames around. I just needed to talk to him.

"Thank you for this," I whispered in a shaky voice. He didn't look at me, but I saw him close his eyes and tighten his jaw slightly as if me speaking, or what I had said, had pained him.

"You don't have to thank me, Bella."

"I do. It is beautiful. I would never have thought of it."

"I wish there had never been a reason to think of it."

"Me too."

He had sounded so melancholy and looked so heartbroken that all I could do was watch him. He kept his eyes shut, but I could see his face strain and move as if trying to stop tears from escaping. His was still caressing the marble with his hand, running his finger over the lettering. I could see his body start to shake and his breathes coming faster and harder than they had before. I saw the silent tears that followed even as he had been working so hard to conceal them. I felt frozen like a statue watching the man I had loved for six years - the man I should really hate but couldn't - fall apart right there in front of me.

"I'm so sorry, my Angel. Daddy's so sorry," he sobbed over the slab, rocking back and forth trying to find comfort in the motions.

I moved forward and put my hand on his shoulder, causing him to flinch. I immediately pulled back and started trying to apologize, but the words got caught in my throat when I looked down and saw his beautiful green eyes, still streaming with tears, staring back up at me, probing for answers I didn't know I had.

He surprised me when he grabbed my waist and pulled me to him to sob into my stomach. I pushed my fingers through his hair trying to comfort him in a way that I had always done in the past. I had admitted to myself after Rose and Emmett's argument that I still loved him. There was no point denying it. I didn't know if we could have a future, but my heart couldn't stand seeing him so broken and not try comforting him.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I was stupid and naïve. I didn't realize... I didn't know you felt that way for me or that I felt that way for you. I let my ego get in the way of me never finding out and now I've lost you both. I don't deserve you being here with me. I don't deserve to be holding you, but I can't let you go. I love you, Bella. I'm so sorry." Hearing Edward breakdown like that, ripping himself wide open and leaving himself bleeding at my feet very nearly broke me too. I wanted nothing more than to believe in him explicitly, to drop to my knees and embrace him and forget everything that had happened in the past, just ignore it all and just move on, but I couldn't. The slab in front of us reminded me why that couldn't be. His left hand gripped my hip tightly as he sobbed his confession to me while caressing my stomach with his right hand. We both knew nothing was in there anymore, but it felt nice all the same. It was something that should have happened when I had actually been pregnant.

I took his hand in mine and pulled it, trying to encourage him to stand up. When he did, he wouldn't look at me. I put my hand on his cheek and guided his face until he had to look at me. His emerald eyes shone with not only the tears he had spilled but also with the love he had only seconds before admitted.

"Where have you been, Edward?" I couldn't face his broken down confession yet. I would eventually, but I had to get my head together and get some answers first.

"Italy," he whispered.

"What were you doing in Italy?" I asked confused.

"I was volunteering at a medical center out there. It was my Uncle Aarons' suggestion."

"Why?"

He stared at me for a moment with sad eyes then looked around where we were. "Can we have this conversation somewhere else? I don't want to ruin this place with the conversation we'll undoubtedly be having. Plus it's getting cold; I don't want you to get a chill."

I nodded my head and moved away from him, towards the car. It was then I realized that the car Mom had left behind for me was the only car parked at the side of the road. It made me wonder how the hell had he arrived there. Before I could really think it over, we moved over to the car and Edward opened the passenger door for me. Once I was seated comfortably, he closed the door then moved over to the driver's side. He got in and turned the key in the ignition before doing a U-turn and driving back down the road I'd came earlier with my mom. I had no idea where we were heading, but we remained in total silence during the whole journey. I tried to keep my eyes on the road, though I couldn't help but glance at Edward. He kept his eyes trained on the road and looked as if he was physically preparing himself for battle.

We pulled onto a little road about five minutes away from the crash site and drove down a long winding driveway. I had known there were other cabins near my grandmother's, but I had never seen any of them. He parked the car in front of a little cabin that looked pretty similar to my grandmother's before getting out and coming to my side to open the door.

He always was a gentleman.

"Where are we?" I asked. He took my hand and helped me out of the car and guided me to the door with his hand on the small of my back.

"Our cabin," he answered hesitantly and avoiding my gaze again.

"This isn't my grandmother's cabin, Edward."

"I never said it was. I said it was ours. I bought it after I bought the land from your father," he answered softly yet hesitantly. I felt as if I was becoming the enemy, as if he was trying to protect himself from me.

"It's yours then, not ours," I answered just as softly and hesitantly as Edward had. I was confused as to why he had said ours. It made my stomach churn and think of what Emmett had told me about Edward signing everything over to me before he had left. I felt like I was on a roller coaster ride of emotions, being pulled up and down constantly. One minute he proclaims his love for me, and the next I was the enemy. I didn't understand.

"As long as we're married, Bella, everything that is mine is yours. I thought you would have known that by now," he whispered sadly as he unlocked the door then stepped aside to let me go in first.

"Yeah, we're definitely going to be talking about that stunt you pulled before you vanished." He grimaced at my harsh words as I walked past him into the living room.

The cabin itself was beautiful. It had an open plan living room/kitchen with a big stone fireplace and wooden mantel. There were candles all over it, bookcases at both sides and a beautiful grandfather clock standing tall against the opposite wall. The furniture was a two-piece suite with a single chair. It all looked so comfy, cozy and inviting. There was a hallway from the kitchen that leads to four doors, two of which were open just enough for me to spy inside. There was a bathroom that looked like it was all white with black appliances, while the second door was a bedroom with light brown walls, posts at the bottom of the bed leading me to believe it was a four poster bed with light gold bedding set on it.

My grandmother's cabin had a more rustic feel to it. It was truly a cabin with the bare essentials you would need to get by, whereas this cabin actually looked more like a modern house from the inside. It had every home comfort and was warm and inviting. I could imagine someone actually living here, not just visiting for a weekend.

"It's beautiful," I said, turning to him as he closed the door. He turned from the door and headed over to the kitchen.

"Thank you. Would you like a drink or something to eat or drink?" He had kept his back to me, but I could see the tension in his shoulders and the shaking of his hands.

"Do you have any wine?" I knew it was stupid to drink, as I hadn't eaten anything all day due to the nerves before the party, but I needed some liquid courage. This was going to be a hard conversation, but I needed to have it. We needed to have it. He scoffed at my question and turned to look at me with sadness and anger on his face.

"I take it Emmett told you about my drinking," he mumbled sarcastically

"No, actually, I found that out all on my own." I scowled a little at him. It annoyed me that he had thought Emmett had ratted on him, but also that I was trying to imply something when I wasn't.

"You weren't asking to goad me, were you?"

"I wasn't trying to get a dig at you, Edward. You know I'm not like that," I answered him sincerely. I didn't want him to think that I had judged him for what he had done after the accident.

"Okay, I've got both, so would you like red or white?"

"Red, please."

He nodded his head and turned to the fridge to get the bottle of wine but also some cold ham, a block of cheese and a platter of fruits. He then reached into the cupboards for a plate and my wine glass. He filled the glass and pushed it over the counter in my direction before turning his back to me again to slice the cheese then arrange it on the plate with the ham and fruit.

"Are you not having a drink?" I asked quietly while walking forward to get my glass.

"No, I think I should be sober for this conversation. If I have one glass, I won't stop." I didn't know if I should have been concerned with that comment or whether he was just feeling the nerves I was feeling. I hadn't turned to drinking after the accident and yet downing a whole bottle of wine right now sounded like an amazing idea.

Edward was still facing away from me with his frame so rigid he could pass for a statue. Once he was done with the plate, he lifted it and headed over to the couch and placed it on the coffee table that sat in front of it. He stood and gestured for me to take a seat. I did as was asked and started drinking my wine while I waited for him to take his seat too, but he flitted around the room as if he couldn't stand still for a moment. First he lit the fireplace, followed by the candles, and then he returned the book that was sitting on the table to the bookshelf. Then he noticed my wine glass was nearly empty so he went back to the kitchen to get the wine bottle to refresh my drink. It hurt me a little that he was stalling our conversation after we had spent so much time apart. I could understand it was hard for him, especially after his confession of not being good enough for me earlier, but it was just as hard for me.

I had to do this.

"Will you stop?" I whispered. I put my hand on his arm as he poured the wine into my glass. He didn't flinch this time, but he stopped breathing and kept pouring the wine. He turned his head slightly to look me in the eyes. I could see the conflict swirling as they stared into mine - the love and pain that were mixing in them made me heart break a little more.

"I can't. I don't deserve this chance to talk to you…" he started to whisper back before shutting his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Would you do something for me, Edward?"

"Anything," he breathed out. He looked as if he was going to go into a mental breakdown at any moment. His eyes were scrunched up tight as if fighting to stop tears from falling. His face was pained and his whole body had a slight tremor to it as if he were ready to collapse at any point.

"Stop. Just stop, okay? Sit down and breathe." Edward opened his eyes and looked at me again before nodding and placing the bottle down next to my glass. He looked between the couch, the seat and me as if trying to decide his next move. He eventually decided on the seat. I was hurt that he had decided to sit away from me, but at the same time, I felt it was probably the right choice. We needed a little space between us to start this conversation. Once he sat down, I could still see he was rigid so I passed him my wine glass and went the kitchen to get another one, as well as another bottle. I had a feeling we were going to need it.

"Bella, I won't…"

"Just take the wine, please, Edward. You're so tightly wound right now; you're going to snap in two if you don't relax. Please, I can't talk to you when you're like this."

He nodded his head before lifting the glass to take a drink and muttering a thank you to me. He went back to avoiding eye contact with me again and slumped over a little in his chair. Once the two of us had drank a little of our wine and relaxed slightly, I knew we had to start talking, but I had no idea where to begin. There was so much to talk about. I didn't know what I wanted the outcome to be. I had only started missing him when I realized he was away and I couldn't be with him. I had envisioned our conversation and what I hoped would have follow everyday, and yet I couldn't think of anything in that moment. My mind was blank and my heart was on my sleeve waiting to see if we could salvage anything from our relationship.

"I've missed you," Edward suddenly whispered, breaking me from my inner thoughts.

"You have?" I asked, slightly hopeful but still a little unsure.

"Yes," he whispered back and gave me a small, sad smile. I tried to return it, but I don't know if I was successful.

"Why did you leave then?" He had the good sense to look apologetic when I demanded this question.

"I didn't think you wanted me around. I knew the others didn't, but I couldn't have cared less about that. My only worry was you. I knew I had messed up and you were never coming back. It felt unfair to force you to be around me or hear about me because we were connected to the same people. I thought it would be easier… better for everyone, but mostly for you, if I wasn't around. So when Uncle Aaron phoned me about Italy, it seemed like the best option."

"We have been trying to get in touch with you since you left. I've called everyday. I didn't leave any messages because I wanted to talk to you, not an answer machine, but I did call," I told him, wanting to know if it was only my call he had been avoiding.

"I switched my phone on for the first time when I got off of my plane today. I had not touched it since arriving in Italy. I haven't spoken to anyone but Uncle Aaron since being there, and even then it was through the lab email. He promised to get in touch with me if there were any emergencies. I'm sorry." He looked at me apologetically, but there was a small spark in his eyes. He seemed to have liked that I was trying to get in touch with him.

"What were you doing in Italy?"

"I was volunteering at a medical facility. They do medical trials and tests for different things. Aaron thought there was a certain trial I would be interested in helping out with."

"Which was?"

"They are trying to find a new drug to stop premature labor." He shifted uncomfortably as he said it and winched when he heard my sharp intake of breath.

"But… I thought… I thought they had drugs that did that already." I couldn't believe my ears. It hurt a little knowing that these trials were happening when they could be of absolutely no help to us or our daughter, but at the same time I didn't want anyone else to ever hurt like we had, so I was glad it was happening and that Edward was going to be a part of that.

"They do, but they can be ineffective after a certain stage and the side effects of the drugs are uncomfortable and unpleasant for the mothers. They want to find a drug that will be efficient, but not cause the mothers such physical distress when administrated."

"Why are you doing this?"

"I couldn't save you, I couldn't save…her, but if I can help save someone else from going through this, If I can help someone else to never feel the pain I've caused you to feel, then maybe I'll be able to feel like I'm doing something right."

"What about your pain?" I tried to swallow both the lump in my throat and the tears welling in my eyes. He felt like I should be the only one in pain when I knew he was wrong. We had both loved and lost. We had both deserved to grieve and yet he felt like he didn't.

"I deserve everything that's been thrown at me, Bella." He looked so angry with himself that it pained me to my very soul. How could he possibly think that he deserved this much pain?

"No, you don't, Edward," I choked out.

"How can you say that after everything I've done to you, Bella? After everything I've put you through? How can you sit there and say I don't deserve this pain?" he ranted while pulling his hair and scrunching his eyes and face up in pain.

"Because you don't, Edward. You made a mistake, you're human."

"A mistake!" he shouted as he sprung to his feet in front of me. He looked enraged, like a caged animal that had escaped his cell.

"Yes, Edward. A mistake," I said as calming as I could.

He shook his head disbelievingly at me before he started to pace back and forth in front of the fire. I gave him his moment to digest what I was saying. It killed me that he felt this way, that he felt he was such an evil bad person. I knew in my heart he was a good person who would never intentionally hurt anyone. I didn't know the whole story from his point of view. I knew from speaking to Emmett and Dad that there was more to the situation than what I had seen, or thought I had seen. And I knew I had to hear it before we could move forward. He wasn't a bad person. I had to show him he was wrong. We both made mistakes.

"No one deserves to go through what we've had to go through, Edward!"

"You don't, but I do," he scoffed at me.

"No, you don't. We both made mistakes that lead us to this point. We both did things we shouldn't have, said things we shouldn't have and didn't do things we knew in the moment we should have done. We both avoided responsibility for our problems - me by avoiding you and you by Tanya."

He shook his head again then turned to face the fire, holding himself against it with his arms on either side of the mantle. I tried to remain calm and reminded myself of whom I was talking to. This was Edward, who would carry the weight of the world on his shoulders if he were allowed.

"Em said you weren't going to leave. Is it true?" I asked quietly, needing to know this answer to guide me in this conversation and how to protect my heart.

"No, not before the party."

"I thought you had decided to go before then."

"No. I knew I had screwed up and I wanted to fix it. I knew Tanya was an issue I could fix so I invited her to say goodbye, I guess. I thought it would be better for it to happen at the party. I thought if you found out that I had met with her privately that it would have looked worse, as if I had something to hide. Her family was invited to the party so I knew she wouldn't dare cause a scene. I had every intention of telling her that we couldn't be friends like we always had been and that I wanted our marriage to work. But then…"

"What?" He turned from the fire to look me in the eye. I gasped when I saw the dead look in his eyes. It had been the same look I'd had in my eyes on the night of the party. It made my heart throb in pain to see his beautiful eyes look so dead.

"The look in your eyes when you said we were done… I'd seen that look in your eyes a million times before. It meant you had made your decision, you were sticking to it and nothing and nobody was going to change your mind. I was so angry and hurt, Bella. I knew I had made mistakes, absolutely epic mistakes, but I was willing to grovel at your feet to fix them. I had been trying for weeks to get you to talk to me, to try and fix things, but you shut me out and wouldn't let me in. Every time I even breathed in you direction, you'd flinch and run off to hide somewhere. I knew from the look in your eyes you had decided and it didn't matter to you what I thought or felt."

"What did you expect me to think, Edward!" I shouted, causing his whole body to shift into a predatory stance while he shouted right back into my face with his eyes blazing.

"I expected you to talk to me, Bella! I expected you to want this enough to actually fight for it instead of running like a scared little girl. It's what you do, it always has been. In the six years I've known you, the six years you had loved me and the one year we had been married and giving a million opportunities to change our situation - to show me what you wanted, to fight for me – you never did! You never fight for anything, Bella. If you don't get what you want, if someone can't read your mind and do as you want, you don't even try and change it. You just give up and hide."

"And what exactly was I supposed to be fighting for, Edward?"

"Me! Bella, you were supposed to be fighting for me, for us, for our family. You said that you loved me, that you had since we had met, but you gave in so fucking easily." I could see why he felt that way and how it may have come across that I didn't love him. I'd realized through my therapy that my habit of running and shutting him out could have caused him to feel this way, but it still stung to hear it. At the time, I felt like I was protecting myself when really I was just hurting both of us.

"I wasn't going to beg you to love me." I tried to sound strong, but the both of us could hear the slight quiver in my voice.

"You didn't have to!"

"Didn't sound that way from the conversation you had with Alice and Esme." I stared him down, waiting for him to argue his point back. Instead, he took a deep breath and returned to his seat, placing his head in his hand.

"I remember every word I said that night, every detail. I don't need you to tell me what I said, Bella. I was hurt, angry and confused. You'd gave up_ again_, you wouldn't talk to me _again_, wouldn't listen _again_. You made your decision and that was final. You didn't care what anyone else thought or wanted. I knew I had feelings for you, but I couldn't get my head around everything that had been happening and then Tanya…" He spat her name out as if it left a dirty taste in his mouth.

He finally sat up and grabbed his glass, gulping down the remainder of his wine before refilling the glass and sitting back in the seat.

"I was confused and hurt, Bella. All I could see was you giving up and Tanya fighting for me. I didn't realize she had been playing me the whole time. I didn't know she had been messing with my head, making me think things that weren't true."

"What did she make you think?" I asked, although I was afraid of the answer. He swirled his glass slightly, watching the liquid toss and turn.

"That you didn't love me. Not really anyway. She said if you had loved me the way you said you did for as long as you had said you did, that you wouldn't run from me, that you would have fought for me. She said you thought you loved me because you didn't know any better, that you could never love me like she did because if you did, you wouldn't have gave up," he replied so uninterested that all I could do was stare at him in disbelief.

"And you believed her?" I murmured completely heartbroken that not only had he believed it but also that I could have acted in such a way to cause him to believe it.

"For a moment it crossed my mind. It was hard to argue it when it looked like you were doing exactly what she was saying. For five years, you never showed the slightest bit of interest in anything romantic between us and shied away whenever I attempted anything even slightly romantic. Then when we got married and I felt for a while things had changed, but you continued to act like you didn't notice or feel it. When I suggested our physical relationship, you acted so calm and collected about it all that I thought you were agreeing because of the contract and that you might as well get something out of it all even if it was just a physical release. I finally just accepted that my feeling for you were fondness and familial love."

I flinched not only at the resigned look on Edward's face and body but at the dead tone of his voice. This was obviously something that had been circling in his head for a while, maybe even since he had realized his feelings for me had changed. He perhaps hadn't thought everything in the way that Tanya had twisted it to be until recently, but he had tried in the past to show or provoke me into seeing he had feelings for me too. But I couldn't see it through my insecurities. Hearing things from his side showed me just how well I had managed to hide my own feelings and insecurities from him. I had hid my feelings to save myself from pain, but I ended up hurting both of us more than I could have imagined. Edward broke our moment of pause with a loud sigh then looked at me timidly from under his eyelashes.

"Those were the thoughts that were running through my head, Bella. It looked like you didn't care enough, like you didn't want me around, like you didn't really love me. It hurt my ego, but mostly it hurt my heart. I knew I had feelings for you, that something had shifted after the engagement party and I knew they ran deeper than our friendship. But I couldn't figure out what it was and when I tried to change things with you to explore them, you shot me down. I had never felt that way before and it confused me. I thought I had these feelings for you because you were going to be my wife. You're supposed to like your wife, to want her company, to crave her attention and to find her attractive. It was a nice, comforting feeling, but it hadn't been the same as it had been with Tanya. I knew I loved you, but I didn't realize how much until it was too late. I didn't know I loved you until I had to face losing you. I realized that I had never been in love with Tanya; I had been in lust with her."

The look of utter disgust on Edwards face as he spoke of his realization about his feelings for Tanya saved my breaking heart and my heaving stomach. I had thought, just as he had at one point in his confusion, that he had been in love with Tanya. It still baffled me how he could have ever had any feelings for someone like her, but I guess that was the point of this whole conversation. And that subject would have to be breached for an explanation on how she had managed to warp his mind in the way she had. He cleared his face of the disgust and looked at me with sadness and heartbreak taking over all of his features. He moved to sit forward in his seat and used his knees to support his arms, looking as if he was bracing himself for a confrontation.

"I finally figured everything out when you walked out of the door the night of the party. Everything became crystal clear and fell into place because seeing you walk away from me with every intent of walking out of my life forever hurt me a million times more than any of the times I had ever watched her do the same. I knew in that moment the confusion lifted and I knew that I had been ready to settle for what Tanya was offering. I was willing to settle because it was easy and she made me feel loved and wanted without a fight."

I knew my eyes went wide because I thought for a second that they were going to fall straight out of my head. My heart clenched so painfully that I couldn't seem to grasp a breath as my stomach rolled like a torrent sea, making me feel sicker than I ever had in my life. He had genuinely thought I didn't love him. Fighting for me had gotten too hard and he was ready to walk away until I had done the same thing. He had been right earlier - I gave up, I didn't fight and I walked away. But I knew he was ready to do the same. The only thought I could get to go through my head was, could we come back from this? Could we fight for each other now that both of our eyes had been opened to each others flaws and mistakes from the past? Edward's next words gave me a glimmer of hope that we could. He sat up in his seat, ramrod straight with a determined glint in his eyes.

"But, Bella, I want that fight again. I want this fight facing us now. I want us to work, and will do everything in my power to make it happen. I don't want it to be easy because anything worth having is worth fighting for. I love you – not her."

"Have you seen her since the hospital?" He had just ripped his heart and mind wide open to me and I was beginning to see how my actions had affected him, and how he had felt through everything, but I needed to know if he had seen or heard from Tanya since that horrendous day before we could go back over what had happened in our relationship. I needed to know that she was out of his life and wouldn't be interfering in it again because if she was, then there was no point to talk about our relationship because there wouldn't be one to try and fix.

"Out of everything I've just said, that's what you're asking? No, I haven't seen her and I hope to hell I never do," he said in a defeated tone but trying to mask it with a dark, sarcastic huff of a laugh.

"Why?" I hoped I knew the reasons why, but I needed to hear him say it.

"She hurt you, Bella. She was part of the reason I hurt you. When Mom told me what she had said to you in the hospital room, I thought I was going to be sick. I kept thinking there was no way in hell that someone who had once been my friend, someone who had proclaimed to love me and only wanted the best for me, could ever do that to me; she wouldn't hurt me by hurting you like that. I didn't know she was playing me. I thought she was the same with me as she was with everyone else, but it wasn't until I ran into Kate after Angel… I ran into her and she told me the truth. You tried to tell me the night of the party, but I didn't know who to believe." I was relieved that he was completely done with her. I had gathered as much from our whole conversation, but I needed to know within myself why he had felt that way. If he hadn't seen and realized within himself what she had done wrong and was only staying away for my sake, then our conversation would have been finished. I knew I should be dropping the subject, but I needed to know one more thing.

"Why did you defend her from Esme then?" I asked truly bewildered.

"I wasn't defending her. I saw her run out of the hospital crying and I knew she had done or said something. My first concern was you so when Mom started firing off at me, I automatically went on the defensive. I was stressed out and worried sick about you. I was barely sleeping in case I missed anything that happened with you, and was barely functioning because I was more preoccupied of taking care of you than I was myself. But mostly I was completely heartbroken. I wasn't thinking straight so when she started in on me, I went into auto pilot and did what I had been doing for months - defending myself. I wasn't defending her."

"So, you were asking why she was crying not because you were worried about her but because you were worried about what she had done to me?" I was a little skeptical, but the look in his eyes changed my mind. They were pleading with me to believe him, that he genuinely was worried about me and not her. I felt my heart skip a beat as my brain comprehended that bit of information.

"Yes."

"And what you said to Esme?"

"It was a reflex reaction. I had, understandably, been getting hit from every angle from everybody. It was like an automatic reaction to defend myself, I guess."

I sat back to take a moment to digest everything he had just told me. It was eye-opening seeing things from his perspective. He was blaming himself for everything, which I knew he would do. To hear what he had said about Tanya and me hurt more than I would like to admit, but he had been right. I had made my mistakes and Tanya had used them to play with his head. He was right when he said I should have fought for him, our marriage. I should have showed him I loved him and tried to meet him in the middle like Emmett had said, but I didn't and Tanya used those flaws against me to push Edward into thinking things he never should have thought. If she hadn't been the little whisper in his ear then he would have continued to fight for me while I would have continued to take the coward's way out. He had always been braver than me. He had admitted his mistakes to everyone and had been penalized for it repeatedly while I had been pampered and coddled, while my mistakes were ignored. Emmett had been right. Edward shouldered all the blame, not only because he felt he deserved to, but also so I wouldn't have to.

"I get it. I don't like it, but I get it. So where do we go from here?" I was surprisingly strong in asking this. I felt ready for this. I'd had months of wondering and what ifs, months of missing and needing him, months of wanting to move on with my life in whatever direction it was fated to be. I wanted to get this conversation started so I could prepare myself for what was coming next.

I saw him relax a little more from the corner of my eye and took it as my queue to relax a little too.

"That's really up to you, Bella. Where do you want to go from here?" Edward answered, looking and sounding more nervous that I had ever seen him before.

All I could do was stare at him across the distance. He gazed back at me as if he was waiting for the final blow to come down on him, yet praying that it would never happen. There was so much emotion swimming in his eyes, so much pain, hurt and love. I had seen him look at me that way before, but I had convinced myself that I was imagining things when, by the sound of it, I hadn't been.

He still made my heart beat like it was ready to explode from my chest. I still had the tightening in the pit of my belly reminding me of what his body could do to mine and I could still get so lost in his eyes that I forget everything that surrounded me. I knew I shouldn't have been thinking or feeling that way in that moment in time, but I just seemed to have these instant reactions around him.

Seeing things from his point of view showed me just how wrong I had been. I had been closed off to him for six years, trying to hide from him how I had really felt. I had purposefully put myself in the friend zone and stopped any advancement in fear that I would be the one hurt from it all. I had never believed that he would ever feel anything for me and when he had tried to incline that he had, I thought he was only doing so because he was going to be stuck with me as his wife and was trying to better the situation a little. We had both made that assumption and been wrong, the only difference being that I knew how I felt and how hurt I would get while he was confused about his feelings and let his bruised ego guide him. I knew the mistakes I had made and was ready to admit up to them, but it wasn't until he had explained everything with Tanya that I had realized that everything hadn't been as clear cut as I had thought and that my mistakes had caused more damage than I had ever known. I shook my head trying to clear that revelation away. The only way we could assess the damage and move on was to start at the beginning.

"I guess we should start at the beginning," I finally said.

"What beginning, Bella? Our marriage? The night in the kitchen? The pregnancy? The anniversary party?"

"No, the very beginning of everything. From us meeting and finding out about the contract, that way you can explain more about Tanya's relationship with you."

"Okay, if that's what you want." He looked resigned in that moment, as if he had just signed his own death warrant. I knew that his relationship with Tanya and how it pertained to us was the last thing he wanted to be discussing, but I needed to hear this from him. I needed to know how he had felt then for both of us and how he felt about us now.

I shifted in my seat trying to get comfortable knowing this was going to be a long conversation. I also considered eating some of the stuff that was sitting on the plate, but my stomach was too twisted to actually be hungry. I knew I was trying to find comfort in something where there wasn't any comfort to be found. I wanted more than anything to be cuddled up in his arms. It had always been the only place I had ever felt one hundred percent safe and comfortable, but I knew I couldn't do that. I couldn't let my guard down until we had this talk and I knew where I stood in his heart and mind.

"Do you remember the day we met?" he whispered.

"Yeah, of course, I do. It's not everyday that a sixteen year old is told she's going to officially meet her maybe husband. I'm assuming by your question you remember, too?"

"Yeah, every detail, but that wasn't the first time we had met."

"The day we met at your parents' house was the first time we met face to face. I'd seen you around, obviously, but we had never spoken before then. I had even been friends with Alice in school, but I had never seen you around her or any of her friends," I answered him slowly, wondering what the hell he meant.

"Nope, you're wrong. We first met when you were five years old. You were at the park next to the lake. Alice and I were there with our grandparents having a picnic. I was playing on the swings after having my lunch when I heard you squealing and crying. You were running away from Mike Newton who kept chasing you, trying to hold your hand and kiss you. You kept running from him, but then you fell and skinned your knee. I jumped from my swing and ran straight over to you to make sure you were okay. I found you crying and batting Mike away from you when he was trying to help you up. I scared him off and kneeled down to see if you were okay. You threw yourself into my arms crying and said…" Edward watched me as he retold his story with a wistful and slightly happy look on his face. His eyes sparked again when he saw that I had remembered our encounter.

"My hero," I whispered then fingered my lips remembering what had followed my statement all those years ago.

"You were my first kiss," he whispered while staring into my eyes lovingly. For a split second, he looked like the young man I had fell so deeply in love with six years ago instead of the pained, aged man he had appeared to be not even a half hour before.

"Mine too," I whispered back.

"Do you remember what happened afterwards?"

"A little girl came running over screeching and crying because I had stolen you away. You were her friend and no one else was allowed to play with you." He looked back down at the floor and nodded his head.

"Yeah, that little girl screeching was Tanya."


	16. Ch 16 History Lessons

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch** **16. – **History Lessons

* * *

><p>I literally sat in my seat and blinked at Edward. I was completely shocked with the memory that he had brought up, but also by the fact that he had known Tanya as long as that. I knew that their parents go way back, but I thought Tanya and Edward had only known each other from when they had started high school – but then again, Tanya was never a subject of any of our past conversations.<p>

"Eleazar Denali and my father went all through medical school together, their residences together and eventually their first medical posts together. When they were arranged to Mom and Carmen, it just made sense that the two women would become best of friends not only because their husbands were, but because the other understood what it was like to be the lonely wife of a prominent doctor."

He lifted his head and looked at me to make sure I was following him. He then looked to the wine bottle and seemed to have an internal battle with himself about it before shaking his head and shifting back into the seat to continue talking. I felt my heart squeeze a little that he seemed to have become so dependent on alcohol. It scared and upset me that this seemed to be turning into a battle for him and maybe would be for the rest of his life.

"As you heard Mom saying at the party, she and Dad had me straight away. I was their honeymoon baby. Of course, not to be out done, the Denalis followed suit by having Irina. The pattern continued with Tanya and Alice, and then Kate and the little boy my mom and dad lost. I wouldn't say our families were inseparable when we were younger, but we could go maybe a month or two of not seeing them then it would be a month or three with them surrounding us constantly."

"I didn't realize it had all been going on for so long," I said hesitantly, thinking about him being so close with Tanya for so long. It made my heart hurt and my stomach churn that they had such a long history together.

"It wasn't going on the way you are thinking. To be honest, I was never a fan of any of the Denali girls. I avoided them at all cost and tried to hang out with the boys from school and my football team as much as possible. We didn't even vacation or really spend holidays together until years later."

"What changed?"

"Us kids got older and started running in the same circles, I suppose. Irina's husband, Laurent, was on my football team. It was me who introduced them. It turned out that the girl Laurent was originally arranged with had defied her parents and run off with some older man she had met in the city, so both his parents and the Denalis welcomed the relationship and set up an arrangement almost immediately, which meant Irina became one of the group. And then because her sisters were her shadow, Tanya soon followed. They were always around, but I think things really shifted when the hospital promotions came about."

"What do you mean?" I asked quizzically while taking a drink of my wine to try and relax myself. The more he spoke, the more my stomach seemed to twist and churn. I didn't want to know their family history, I didn't want to know how close she had been to my husband, but to understand how she had managed to play with his mind, to take part in ruining our relationship – I knew I'd have to hear it all.

"Dad and Eleazar worked their ways up the ranks in the hospital until they got to the medical board at the hospital. During the rise through the ranks of the hospital, Dad and Eleazar's friendship had slipped into a professional one. Eleazar had became so prestigious and fake through it all while my dad had remained the same level headed, caring person he had always been. They weren't really friends anymore; they were more like esteemed colleagues that were forced together by Carmen and my mother's friendship or by social etiquette. Like the anniversary party, for example. Dad really didn't want to invite any of the Denalis after the fiasco that was the fourth of July dinner."

Edward flinched at the mention of the Fourth of July dinner, no doubt remembering the catastrophe the dinner had been, but also my epic explosion that had followed his whispered confession. I knew he wasn't going to run, of course, from recounting and reliving that night, but it would definitely be something we'd discuss later. At seeing my face remain stoic to his flinch, he huffed out a deep sigh and then stared intently into my eyes, as if he was trying his hardest to convince me that what he had to say next was the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

"Dad has never wanted to do anything that was going to hurt or harm any members of his family, especially you. Alice has always been daddy's little princess, but only when she wanted or needed something. But you, you looked up to him as if he hung the moon just for you. You soaked up everything he ever had said to you. He didn't want to invite them, but he had to because the rest of the medical board members were invited. He had to save face. Do you understand?"

He looked at me pleadingly, hoping I understood what he was trying to tell me. I had known Carlisle didn't want the Denalis there. Esme had mentioned that both her and Carlisle's personal relationship with the Denalis had been over on the night of the dinner party. She had told me that family always came first and that I was her daughter, which was worth more to them both than the Denalis' friendship. She also explained that although the relationships were done, that unfortunately the professional ones continued so we would see them at events from time to time. Neither of us liked it but knew we had to accept it.

I knew Edward was trying to show me that I meant more to the Cullens than the Denalis ever could, that they were only around for show, but it didn't make me feel any better than when Esme had more or less said the same thing. Too much of what had happened in our lives had been because we were worried about our social perceptions and what other people, who had really no right of say, thought of our lives. I felt like I was living my life to appease people who should have not been of consequence in the grand scheme of it all, and I was sick of it.

"I understand. Please continue," I spoke curtly.

"Right, well, as our fathers' personal friendship dwindled, the friendships I had with Irina and Tanya seem to have grown, causing our mothers' friendship to follow suit. As I explained earlier, Tanya followed Irina around like a little lost puppy and eventually she got accepted into our group and was hanging around with us constantly. This meant my mother and Carmen were meeting up more because they had become our own personal taxi services and supervisors to make sure nothing inappropriate was going on."

Edward fidgeted a little in his seat before resigning himself to whatever telling me whatever part of the story was to come next. I could tell by his stiff body language and his slight scowl that he didn't really want to be doing this, but he knew he had to in order for me to understand Tanya's part in this all.

"At first Tanya was shy, quiet and kind of reserved, but as we got older, she came more into herself. I was seventeen, maybe a month or two off of turning eighteen, when things with her turned around. Everyone in the group started pairing off. They both met their arranged matches and became couples, or they were seeing different people until they were told otherwise. Eventually Tanya and I were the odd ones out. She had just turned sixteen. I started talking to her more due to us being the spare parts of the group and before I even knew what was really happening, we were a couple."

He huffed out a breath and started to fidget again with his fingers leading me to believe I wasn't going to like what he had to say next. I was already feeling sick to my stomach and aggravated, but I knew we had to get this over and dealt with before we could move on.

"We just kind of fell into our relationship. Of course our mothers were ecstatic at first. The Denalis had known of Mom and Dad's opinion on waiting on the arrangement matches and had done the same with their girls hoping, one of them would catch my eye. I, of course, didn't find that out until my chat with Kate. But once Tanya and me got together, she done a complete one eighty on me. She would change from one moment to the next. She'd go from this shy, nice girl with an infectious little giggle to this controlling, manipulative, little bitch who demanded her own way and constantly caused drama," he said, sounding aggravated while his face twisted a little in anger.

I snorted lightly, though he still heard me and looked at me, changing his face immediately and letting sadness take over his features and giving me a weak smile. She had fooled him, but she hadn't fooled anyone else. She had always been the controlling, manipulative, spoilt, snobby, little bitch around all of us, especially me.

"Anytime I started distancing myself from her, she'd break down crying. She'd say she loved me, she needed me and she had just been trying to keep things interesting. She said Carmen had told her things to do to keep a man guessing and always wanting more. I felt sorry for her, that her mom was pushing her to be this person that she didn't want to be because she thought it would make me stick around. I feel for it hook, line and sinker. It turns out Carmen had done no such thing – it was all Tanya manipulating the situation and I fell for it every time. Before I realized it, our fights and constant back and forth had become the norm between us. I became used to it and was brainwashed enough to think that we were the way we were because we had passion. I thought back then, in my naïve, childish brain, that we loved each other and that the intensity we had came from not being able to live without each other."

My stomach twisted even more painfully than before when Edward said passion and intensity. I didn't want to think about Tanya and him in that sense, especially when I didn't think he had ever felt that way about us. It physically hurt to think about them in a physical relationship. My face must have shown my discomfort because he started fidgeting more while opening and closing his mouth as if he didn't know what to say. He had looked at me apologetically, sensing my discomfort, but then smiled shyly at the thought he had going through his head.

"But then you came into my life," he said quietly, causing my to heart melt ever so slightly. With my answering small slight smile, his whole body completely relaxed. Up until that point, he had been sitting so tensely that I thought he was going to literally snap in half at any moment. He had looked like a stone statue, cold hard and unforgiving, and yet with those seven words, the whole atmosphere changed and a little light returned to his eyes and his body released all its tension.

I felt myself blush from the tip of my head right down my chest with the look that Edward gave me as he waited for me to process how important that small piece of information had been to him. His eyes showed such longing that my stomach knotted again, but instead of it being in the bad way it had been all night, now it was a nervous, butterfly type of way. I wanted and needed to hear this from him. I needed to know what his thoughts of me and our relationship had been, but at the same time I was terrified it wasn't going to be what I wanted to hear. It was like I was walking a tight rope with my heart in my hand, just waiting for my foot to slip.

"You appeared one day and things started changing, slowly at first but they definitely were changing. Our mothers had met years ago at a hospital benefit that your dad had attended for publicity for starting his campaign. They had got to talking on their views of the arranged matches and found out they shared the same opinions. They had decided to say in touch and spoke casually at events over the years. They used to talk about us to the other and found we had a lot of similarities in personality, hobbies and taste. They decided we should meet, just to see if anything came of it but they wanted to wait for us to be a little older before we met. They thought it would be better that way so that if anything were to happen with us we would have been able to have lived our lives a little without feeling tied down to each other. My mom also didn't want to chance me taking on a protector's role with you. She said she knew the minute I met you that I'd like you in some way and feel overly protective of you. She wanted me to feel protective of you like a husband, not as a friend chasing off potential suitors."

"How do you know all this?" I asked feeling thoroughly confused. I had never known any of this before. My parents had never spoke to me about the Cullens before I met them all, they just said we were going to a friends house for lunch one day and that I was meeting someone who could potentially be important to my future. I had never asked after that because I was so happy to have met everyone, but mostly Edward.

"My dad explained everything to me the night before the wedding. I had told him we had met once and wondered if they had known each other for so long, why hadn't we met again? So he explained everything. The informal arrangement, the distance between us, the meeting as teenagers hoping to play on our hormones."

As he spoke he laughed lightly as I blushed more profusely. They had obviously been hoping our hormone-ridden bodies would cause us to jump each other.

"Why hadn't they arranged anything for you and Tanya? I heard Esme mention that they had tried but nothing came of it, why?" I asked hoping to steer things away from the embarrassment I was feeling of being so predictable in my feelings for my husband, even back then.

"My parents had never arranged anything with the Denali's because they had seen my reaction to them when we were younger, they knew I didn't want them anywhere about and then when things changed with Tanya and me, my parents, especially my dad due to his relationship changing with Eleazar, didn't want to jump the gun. Mom had been ecstatic when Tanya and I had first got together, but over time both my parents saw how unhealthy our relationship was becoming. They didn't want that for me, they wanted me to have what they had, hence bringing you back into the equation. It was their last shot before resigning themselves to me being with Tanya. They offered an arrangement match to Tanya and me but only after you and I had met. They thought things with you and I hadn't worked out as they had hoped but they didn't realize how things had changed."

"What do you mean?"

"We official met when you were five but we were properly introduced on a Saturday afternoon at 12.20pm on June 26th 2005…."

"You remember the exact time and date?" I interrupted.

I was completely stunned by his admission and felt the butterflies erupt in my stomach. He blushed crimson, which was something I had rarely ever seen him do and ducked his head while pushing his hand through his hair and tugging it. That move, I would have recognized anywhere, it had always been his nervous habit. He looked scared and nervous but continued on with his side of events.

"Yeah. I was angry with my parents for setting the meeting up. I thought they were going behind my back and trying to take Tanya away from me. I was pacing my room like a caged lion when I heard your parents' car come up the driveway. I looked out the window and saw you briefly while you were coming out of the car. I turned away just as quickly so I didn't actually see you properly. I was hiding out in my room, straining to hear the conversation that was taking place three floors down from me in the hallway. The conversation started to quiet down so I figured that you had all moved into the living room and decided to sneak down stairs to listen in on what was being said. I made it to the bottom landing and was just turning off of the stairs when…"

"I slammed right into you. I had used the excuse of needing the bathroom to get away." I blushed, remembering how my tiny little teenage body had smashed into his toned, athletic chest. I remembered feeling the shock shoot through me as soon as his hands gripped my hips to steady me from falling and inadvertently taking in a large breath, which surrounded my head with Edward's scent, leaving me dizzy and my heart racing. I looked at him shyly only to see him watching me with a predatory gaze that made me turn away just as quickly to control my breathing and my body.

"Yes, you did. You were being nosey and looking at all the pictures. Anyway, we banged into each other and I caught you before you fell backwards. I felt that spark I always feel anytime we touch and was completely confused by it. You looked up at me and I got lost in your eyes for a moment, that's when I remembered who you were, the little girl from the swing park. I was shocked. The pretty, little brown eyed girl I remembered stood in front of me as this beautiful young lady."

Edward looked as if he was lost in his own little dream world. His eyes were brighter than what I had seen them all night and he had a shy smile gracing his lips. He looked so much like the boy I had met that day in the landing. I remembered every detail, from the spark he had mentioned to the feeling of completely serenity and security. He had made me feel so safe and comfortable with him within minutes. The look on his face caused me to also smile and gave me a warm feeling all over.

"I honestly couldn't believe it. I looked up over you shoulder to the grandfather clock my parents have in their hallway to see the time; I wanted to remember the moment I met you again. It was 12.20pm."

"Wow, I can't believe you remember that." I truly was surprised that he had remembered everything in just as much detail as I had.

"Well everything changed for me in that moment. I felt this connection to you I hadn't felt before. I met my best friend."

I knew he hadn't meant it to hurt me, especially after explaining how important our first proper meeting had been to him but it still did. Hearing him call me his best friend just dragged up all those hurt feelings from before the accident. I ducked my head and felt the tears rush to my eyes. I unconsciously wrapped my arms around my body as if to hold myself together. I didn't want to fall apart yet, but I felt like he had just ripped me wide open again and my heart was bleeding. Of course, Edward noticed the change in my demeanor straight away and came rushing to me to fix it.

"No, no, no! Bella, look at me, please baby girl look at me," he begged and pleaded. He was on his knees in front of me and placing his hands over my face to try and guide it so I'd look at him. After a moment of him begging, I looked up at him. His face had drained to a sickly white color; he had tears in his eyes while his nose was close enough to me that it only just brushed against my own.

"Please, baby girl, I didn't mean it like that. I didn't say that to hurt you. I meant it in the sense of I met my better half that day, my soul mate. I didn't want to say that and freak you out; I didn't want you to be angry with me because I have only just recently realized that _is_ what happened that day. I thought I had met my best friend and I did Bella, but you are so much more than that title. You're my best friend, my wife, my better half, the person I most trust my life with, my soul mate. You have always made me a better person Bella." Edward whispered while looking directly into my eyes. He wanted me to see this truth in his words. He wanted me to believe him.

"I'm sorry, I'm just being silly." I muttered still feeling like I could fall apart at any minute.

I tried to distance myself from him a little but he wouldn't let me. He held my face firm enough so I couldn't move, yet soft enough to not physically hurt me. He then placed his forehead against mine as his face crumbled in pain and brushed his nose along my own while breathing me in.

"You're anything but silly, Bella. I've just hurt you so badly. I'm so sorry" Edward told me in a no nonsense tone of voice, making it very hard to argue or disagree with him. He was taking the lead in this and accepting the blame for the things he knew he had done.

He kissed my cheek softly before pulling away and sitting on the floor in front of me. My heart stopped beating momentarily before going into intense overdrive, my brain was a hazy maze of confusion over whether I should have let it happen or not but my body certainly seemed to crave it. His face still held a pained look but I could see a slight acceptance wash over it too. Edward knew he had hurt me and would have to deal with it to move on the same way as I would. He moved his hands from my face to take each of my hands from my body before holding them tightly in his own and placing our hands together in my lap. He looked at me as if to ask permission and I nodded slowly, liking the warmth of him holding my hands. With our hands in my lap and slightly more relaxed, he started telling his side of the story again with a more quiet sad tone to his voice.

"Things changed that day for me. I was still angry with my parents but I was grateful as well. After our bump in the hallway, you and I got to talking and it was like nothing I had ever experienced before. I felt so comfortable and safe with you within such a short space of time. I could talk to you about anything; no matter how silly or trivial and you truly got it and understood. We had so many things in common with all the books we had read, the music we listened to, and the movies we watched but you were also always open to trying out things that you either hadn't heard of or hadn't really gave a chance to."

"Like the _Lord of the Rings _books and movies," I whispered understandingly. At this, Edward squeezed my hands and looked up at me with pleading eyes as if asking me to continue to believe what he was telling me.

"Yes, exactly. You were willing to try reading those books and watching the movies even though you didn't think they would interest you because I had said I thought you'd enjoy them. We shared the same opinion on so many subjects and yet could amicable disagree when we didn't. I had never had that before. Everything had to be a fight whether it was with my dad because I wasn't living up to his potential, it was Alice who is always right when every other person on the planet is clearly wrong or if it was Tanya, who just fought with me on everything. We had a middle ground – I had never had that before."

He let go of my left hand and turned a little to grab his wine glass to take a drink then returned his hand to mine once he had finished. While he had his short break to catch his breath, my head spun with the information overload that had being given to me. I kept remembering what Rosalie had said and it strengthened my resolve. If I ever wanted anything to work between Edward and I again we had to do this, we had to clear out the past and start all over again – a solid foundation built on trust.

"So things changed for the better for you?" I asked feeling a little more resolve build within me. I knew we still had a long way to go, but hearing his memories of me and what I had brought to his life through his eyes gave me a warm feeling in my chest that I wanted more and more of. I was happy that I had made him happy once upon a time.

"Yeah. I felt more comfortable in my own skin. I laughed and smiled more, I got back into my studies at college again and all my relationships improved – even with Tanya. For a long while I was really happy but she noticed the difference in me and who had brought it about. I've recently replayed in my head every minute of my life since I've met you and only just begun to see things in a completely different light. Tanya knew that the change in me had come from you, I see that now but she let it go at first because she was reaping the benefits of it all. A happy boyfriend meant an easy boyfriend with an open wallet. When school started to become more serious, and you started helping me out being my study buddy, that's when things changed."

"Yeah, I remember she used to get jealous a lot." I mumbled indigently remembering how I had been left may times sitting waiting for him to come back after Tanya had stormed in mid study session to rant and rave at Edward.

"If you can even call it that," he scoffed at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked not understanding what he meant. I thought it had been pretty obvious she was jealous, but the sneer on Edward's face made me want to know what he had been thinking.

"She was never jealous, Bella. Well, at least not in the way you are thinking."

"I still don't understand."

"It was about control and ownership, Bella. Before, if she had asked me to pick between a night out with her or a night in with you, I would have always picked her. But as you and me got closer, and the more you helped with my studies, the more demanding she became. I thought it was jealousy too and was touched to a degree that she would feel that way, that she was worried about losing me. I was such an idiot because looking back on it now, I see it all for what it was. She wanted me at her beck and call. I paid for everything when we were together, she used my family name and connections to get things that her name couldn't. She wanted my whole world to revolve around her and her social calendar and when it didn't, she blew up at me."

"So is that why you guys broke up?"

"That was part of it. The final nail in the coffin was when Lilly was born. As you know, Emmett and I went all through school together and were best friends. When Em's parents got sick, I pleaded with dad to do everything he could for them. Then when he met Rose, I supported him through every up and down their relationship proved to have so to repay me for being such a great friend, Emmett and Rose offered me the position of Lilly's godfather. I was thrilled with the offer and so happy for my friend who looked like his world had just been completed. After everything they had been through, he was getting his happily ever after. They told me to pick who I wanted as godmother, which confused the hell out of me. I asked them who they wanted and they told me that they had wanted you to be the godmother from the first day of meeting you, but said that if I was convinced that my future was going to be with Tanya that they would go with her, they wouldn't like it but they'd do it."

"Why?" I was a little hurt and confused over why my beautiful goddaughter was almost taken away from me. I was hurt that my position in her life had been so precarious and confused as to why they had given Edward the choice when they were her parents.

"Think about it, Bella. If anything happened to Rose and Em, who would Lilly go to stay with?"

"Me." I answered without even having to think about it yet still not understanding what the issue had been.

"And what would have happened if you and I had never married? If I had married Tanya and wanted Lilly to stay with us, what would have happened then?" And suddenly the puzzle made sense. He looked at me sadly, seeing the realization and slight hurt that was no doubt radiating through my eyes. I understood. I had been a young girl of seventeen when Lilly was born and had only just met Rose and Emmett a few months prior to her birth whereas Edward had been Em's friend for years and was technically an adult. They may not have liked Tanya but they trusted Edward with their daughter's life, it was a choice being made for Lilly not for them.

"I get it, I understand, but it doesn't explain how I came to be her godmother," I said trying to talk over the quiver in my voice.

"I'm getting to that. Em told me I had to make a choice; he kept being really cryptic about it. I didn't understand at the time but I know now he wasn't just referring to who was going to be godmother, but to who I was going to spend my life with. I was in the room with them and the baby when Tanya, Alice and you first arrived. I watched you all with my niece thinking you would all be the typical girly girls. I thought you'd all squeal, bounce around, baby talk and be over excited but you didn't. In fact, the three of you were so polar opposites that I was floored."

I smiled shyly at the exasperated expression he had on his face while trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill over. I let go of his hand to take a drink of my wine. He noticed the glass was nearly done and refilled it for me while waiting patiently for me to gather my thoughts and finish my drink. I still didn't understand, but I figured that this was the whole point of us talking everything through and I wasn't going to understand everything until we were finished. I knew we had a lot more to go and was fighting with myself to reign in my emotions because if I didn't, we'd never get to the end of it all. I knew I had become Lilly's godmother in the end but to know that my position had once been questioned hurt like hell, I also knew there was probably more that was going to be said that would end up hurting a whole lot more so I had to reign myself in and just be patient and wait it out until we were finished – then I could have my breakdown.

As soon as I placed my glass back down he took my hand again and searched my eyes with a sheepish look on his face to make sure that it was okay. I think he needed the contact between us, as if to assure himself that I was still there. When I nodded my head slightly he gave me a sad smile and rubbed his thumbs over the backs of my hands before speaking again.

"As I was saying, the reactions to Lilly floored me. Alice looked so scared, like truly petrified. I had never seen her sit so still and ridged before. You know what she's like, this little bundle of energy that just never seems to slow down and yet Lilly stopped her in her tracks better than anything I had ever seen. In fact, when Jasper showed up at the hospital later that day, she kept moving away from him or crossed then re-crossed her legs anytime he came near her. It was hilarious." He laughed lightly as did I.

I remembered Alice's reaction to Lilly. She had been as white as a sheet and swore she was never having kids, stating that because of her minute size she was bound to have a smaller, as she then called it, vaj jayjay, than any of the rest of us and there was no way she was pushing any baby with Whitlock genes out of it because she had seen all of the baby photos and they all had big ass heads. I honestly laughed so hard that I nearly peed myself. I smiled at the memory of my conversation with Alice. It made me miss my sister a little but then I looked to the man on his knees in front of me, smiling sadly at me and staring at me with such longing in his eyes. He seemed to be so beautifully broken from everything that had happened to us and all the people who had deserted him and yet trying to hold himself together and be strong for me in that moment in time, and again the feelings of missing her disappeared as quickly as they had came.

"Your reaction was something else though. You were so calm and motherly, if that makes sense. You just came into your own. You asked to hold her and when Rose handed her over, you did everything right without being told how. You were a natural with her and she felt so at ease with you that she fell asleep. Did you know that Rose had been trying to get her to sleep all afternoon and couldn't do it?"

I shook my head no; a little shocked at this new bit of information.

"Yeah, Lilly had been fed, burped, bathed and cuddled but just would not settle but with five minutes of being in your arms, with you singing and rocking her, she fell asleep. Rose, Em and I were completely stumped. How the hell could this seventeen year old girl do something that three twenty year old adults had failed? We all looked at each other gob smacked. I know it sounds kind of cheesy, but you had this aura about you that day. It was like holding her and looking after her was the most natural thing in the planet to you and it literally took my breath away for a moment."

The two of us had tears in our eyes and pain in our hearts. I knew he was thinking about our daughter and what we were missing out on, the same as I was. The memory had been a preview of what could have been for us but never would. I wasn't ready for the conversation to be at that point yet. I still had so much else I had to know before I could finally face that issue with him. I tried to pull myself together a little and seen him trying to do the same while looking at me to see which route I was going to choose to take the conversation.

"And Tanya's reaction?" I whispered while he looked relieved that I had decided to continue on our path.

"Tanya's reaction was the catalyst to our break up. She looked disgusted. She looked at Lilly as if she was a something she had scraped off of the bottom of her shoe. When Rose asked her if she wanted to hold her, she said had just gotten over a cold and didn't want to chance holding her in case she wasn't one hundred percent yet. I had been with her the week before so I knew she was lying but I kept my mouth shut. When we got back to mine later that night was when the explosion happened."

He stopped and took a deep breath before squeezing my hands lightly and then kissing the back off them. I could feel the anger and strain coming off of him in waves and the slight tremor in his hands as his face clouded with anger scared slightly and made me feel extremely nervous. I knew I wasn't going to like what was coming next.

"I asked her what the hell the problem was with Lilly and she basically said she didn't care for the baby because it looked like a little runt. I couldn't believe she had said that and was frozen in shock trying to make sure I had heard her correctly. Tanya continued on about how chubby and ugly Lilly was because her face was all squished up, how Rose looked a mess and would never get her body back, how Em and Rose's relationship was going to suffer because of the lack of sleep and sex. I finally came to my senses and shouted at her that she was being a bitch and how did she ever expect to be a good mother if she was having those kind of thoughts. This caused her to blow up at me saying she was never going to have children and that I was selfish for expecting her to put her body through all that unnecessary strain and ugliness afterwards just to have something that only I wanted. She explained that she had a body worthy of a model and she wasn't going to sacrifice something that most women would die for just for the sake of having a baby." He scoffed angrily while gritting his teeth and pulling his hands into tight fists. The tension that had melted away earlier was back with a force.

"Tanya had assumed I would eventually just resign myself to not having kids because she didn't want them and that I would go along with it and be more than happy for it to be just me and her travelling the world and living off of my trust fund. We screamed and argued for hours but I refused to give up my dreams of being a doctor, having a family, having a home. She refused to listen and insisted that once she was done with school that I was going to be travelling the world with her and spend all my money on her because it was what made her happy. She told me she thought I was only attending college to appease my parents until we could leave together and that she thought that I knew it had been the plan all along. Tanya wanted me to herself and demanded I give in to her because she wasn't going to become you anytime soon."

"What the hell does that mean?" I screeched completely outrage at what she had said about Lilly, Rose and Em but overall offended that she had made it sound so terrible for someone to want to be me. Edward looked at me apologetically and squeezed my hands as if to reiterate that it was only her opinion, not anyone else's.

"Tanya saw you with Lilly too, Bella. She knew, just as me and everyone else in that room did, that you were going to be an amazing mother one day. It threatened Tanya that I wasn't giving in and that you had this point over her that she refused to give into over vanity's sake. Tanya didn't like competition or anyone being something she could never be so she didn't like that you being so natural with Lilly was something that I wanted and she refused to give. Tanya tried to make it sound like you would become this wee boring, dumpy housewife that could never hold my interest the way she and the adventures she had planned for us could. She told me that once we had lived a little and travelled the world, that we could come back and if I still wanted that life we could have it but instead of having our own children we would adopt. I didn't want that – I wanted to finish school and become a doctor not be traipsing all over the world, I wanted to try and have my own family with my own children taking care of by a mother who loved and wanted them not adopt a child just for it to be ignored by its pseudo mother and raised by nanny's."

Both of our faces crumbled into heartbroken expressions. Edward unconsciously brought his hand over where his heart is in his chest and started rubbing it slowly while his glazed eyes were trained onto the table and away from me. I couldn't seem to take my eyes off of him. My eyes had tears in them ready to fall and I had a slight tremble in my hands that I couldn't seem to shake. He'd had everything that both he and I had ever wanted more or less being handed to him on a silver platter but because of so many miscommunications, misunderstands and damn stubborn headed mistakes it had been taken away from both of us. I saw Edward compose himself signaling he was ready to continue.

"Tanya's offer was so transparent and when I said no, she started talking down to me, ordering me about and making demands that I accept that this was the life I was having with her or that I wasn't going to be having any life with her at all. I was angry and shocked. I put my foot down that day and refused to give up on the dreams that I had. It was when we broke up and I decided not long after that I could see a happy future with you."

"But I don't remember anything changing with us until Lilly was at least a month old?"

"That's because I kept it from you," he looked down to the floor looking sheepishly, knowing I wasn't going to like his answer.

"So you lied to me!" I stated haughtily at him then grabbed my hands out of his and got up to pace the living room floor. I was hurt and pissed thinking he had only wanted me because she wouldn't give him what he had wanted, I was a suitable stand in because I had wanted the same things as him but I was more hurt because I couldn't figure out why he had kept something like that from me. He watched me pace for a moment then lifted himself resigned onto the couch where I had been sitting and placed his head in hands that were being supported off of his knees.

"I didn't lie to you, Bella. I just didn't tell you right away. I needed time to myself to deal with the feelings I had about what had happened and what was going to happen in the future. You never asked about Tanya anymore and I just didn't tell you."

"You lied to me and kept something from me, and not just some little secret, Edward, but something that would change the course of my life! Do you have any idea how that feels?" I shouted at him causing his head to shoot up as he scowled at me.

"No, Bella, I have no idea. Why don't you explain it to me?" He spat back at me sarcastically, showing me all the anger that was displayed in his eyes.

"What's with the tone? Am I not allowed to be pissed over this bit of information? That you had kept this from me?" I shrieked back at him becoming more annoyed that he was getting angry at me over something he did wrong.

"Yeah, you are but you're not allowed to be a hypocrite, Bella." He scolded me.

"How the fuck am I being a hypocrite? Please explain that to me," I screamed at him finally reaching my breaking point in my anger. I couldn't understand where his thoughts were at and how it had come to be that I was the bad guy in this certain situation. He looked me dead in the eye, with all the anger streaming off of him in waves and glared at me before asking me in a deadly quiet voice.

"When did you fall in love with me, Bella?"

It deflated my anger and made me feel like someone had just knocked all the air out of my lungs. I suddenly understood his anger with me and how I was being a hypocrite. He had kept this information from me, information that had inadvertently changed both of our lives but I had unknowingly done the exact same thing when I had decided to keep my love for him a secret. If I had only been honest with him, things could have been so different between us but I hadn't. I knew he wasn't looking for me to answer his question, he already knew when I had fallen in love with him. He was proving his point. I had withheld vital information, just like he had. We may have had different reasons for doing so but we had still done it to each other.

"Exactly! You can be angry with me if you want, Bella but don't dare be a hypocrite about it. Don't you dare judge me for not telling you. I needed time and space to clear my head and make sure I was making the right decisions because I knew whatever choices I made were bound to change someone's life at some point or another. You didn't tell me your secret out of fear of rejection; I didn't tell you mine out of consideration for your future. I wanted to tell you right after it happened so badly but I couldn't. It felt so disrespectful. I knew if I told you and everyone else straight away that things would have changed right away. I didn't want to be jumping from one relationship straight into ours as quickly as that. I didn't want you always thinking I was only with you because I couldn't have Tanya because that wasn't true. Tanya and I broke up and made up more times than I can count but for me that was the last time, I had no intentions of ever getting back together with her. I didn't want to tell you only for Tanya to come marching back into our lives a week later causing a scene, intimidating you and manipulating the situation because she was hurt and angry. I was trying to be respectful and protect you. I wanted to make sure I had thought of everything, that you knew you mattered to me and that all the drama was done before I changed your life." He tried to explain while trying to reel in the anger that was still simmering on the surface. I knew I should have let it go, but hearing him more or less say that he was waiting for her felt like a slap in the face.

"So you were waiting for her to come back? That's real nice Edward, telling me I was your second choice, way to make your wife feel special," I spat at him. He jumped from his seat and marched over until he was right in my face. I could see the tremor in his body as he tried even harder to contain his anger while watching his face contort to rage as his eyes turned to black. I felt a trickle of fear go down my spine. I had never seen his eyes do that before.

"Are you even listening to anything I am saying? I wanted to make sure she was gone, that she wasn't going to be causing anymore trouble. I wanted it all in the past before I moved onto the new chapter in my life with you. I just didn't want to ever chance hurting you, Bella! Even if I didn't know back then that you loved me, even when I thought we were just best friends, I knew that if the relationship started moving forward and Tanya appeared causing trouble, you'd run and pull away from me so fast that all I would see was a trail of smoke left in your path."

He took another small step closer to me causing our bodies to be almost touching. I couldn't bring my gaze away from his eyes that were bore into mine so intently; it sent a shiver through my spine. I couldn't escape the feel his breath on my face or his scent that was invading my head, making me dizzy and my knees weak. His body was so deliciously close to my own and yet not close enough to appease the tingles running through me. The atmosphere that always surrounded us went into hyper drive, as if it was ready to explode at any moment causing my breath to catch in my throat.

"I knew her reappearing would hurt and humiliate you. At the time of it all, was I hurt that my relationship with Tanya was over? Yes, of course I was. Did I miss her? Yes, I did. Did I regret breaking up with her? No. I never regretted breaking up with her until you started to push me away after your announcement in the kitchen." He shouted right into my face. By the end of his tirade, we were both breathing deeply while our eyes continued to stay solely focused on each other, his black in anger and mine widened in shock. All of a sudden the blackness in his eyes changed to a different kind, a predatory kind. He stared into my eyes searching them for answers as the lust in his own eyes grew.

"The last thing I have ever wanted was to hurt you, Bella." He whispered to me before grabbing my face and smashing his lips against my own.

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><p>Ps. Merry Christmas Everyone Lx<p> 


	17. Ch 17 Communication

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch** **17. – **Communication

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><p>Edward's kiss was powerful and aggressive sending a sensual shiver down my spine. Within seconds my lips were responding to his just as forcefully. My hands instinctively made their way to his hair; tugging and pulling at the bronzed, overgrown locks as hard as I could in a vain attempt to pull him further into me. I needed and wanted him closer though it seemed almost impossible.<p>

His hand slid from their tender touch on my face slowly down my body, tracing every inch of me he could reach before he settled a firm hold on my hips, holding onto me for dear life as if he was convinced I was going to vanish in a puff of smoke. His light touches down my body had teased me to the point were I was clinging to him as if he were my oxygen while he was doing the same. The way he was grasping onto me so tightly left little to no doubt in my mind that I would have bruises on my hips by morning but I couldn't find it within myself to care.

Edward was kissing me.

I was shocked, scared, overwhelmed but blissfully happy.

He was kissing me for real this time.

Yes, it had come out of anger but he was kissing me.

There were finally no pretences between us anymore.

It wasn't for show, it wasn't out of obligation or leading to a purely physical release like it had before. We both finally knew how we felt for each other and, although there was still so much to talk about, so much to fix between us, I couldn't help be feel myself melt into what seemed like our first real kiss. We had always had passion in the past but this felt different. It felt needy and possessive, like we were lifelines unable to survive without the other.

As abruptly as Edward had started, he ended it. He pulled away and looked down at me horror struck. We stared into each others eyes allowing our bodies to calm down while gasping for air. I watched him as pulled his hands from my hips so quickly you would thought my skin had burned him before putting them in a surrendered position and backing himself to the other side of the room and as far from me as he could get. I felt my face fall with the hurt and confusion that was swirling in my mind. Every little self doubt that Edward had started to put to rest tonight was slowly, but surely, coming back to the surface as I tried to fight against the tears that were filling my eyes and the pain that was coming from my chest.

"Bella, I'm so sorry. I never meant for that to happen. Please believe me, it was not my intention for anything like this to happen. I don't deserve for that to happen," he muttered and pleaded with me while trying to catch his breath. He looked so pained and scared as if he had just ruined everything and was waiting for me to disappear. In the past I would have run anytime I was feeling hurt or rejected. I had proven it time and again.

But I wouldn't run.

Not now.

I was done running.

I was still gasping for air and had to use the kitchen island that separated the living room and kitchen to lean on so I wouldn't fall to my knees. The kiss had been so intense it literally left me dizzy and pulled the legs away from under me. I nodded my head in understand of what he was saying although it still hurt me. I knew he hadn't meant for it to happen, I knew it probably shouldn't happen again, at least not now.

But I wanted it to.

So badly.

And the thought that he didn't crushed me.

"It's okay, I know you didn't mean for that to happen. I know things are different now. Things with us… But I won't let you taint what was just an amazing moment in time for me. It's the first time that I can say I know within myself that you kissed me purely because you wanted me, not because you felt you had to or to maintain a show of emotion for everyone around us but because you wanted me. Needed me the way I have always needed you. I refuse to regret it, even if you do," I said forcefully.

I stood my ground steadily and stoic and I watched as his face morphed from slight terror and trepidation into an angry disbelief. He brought his hands down by his side and clenched them into fists, locked his jaw tightly and closed his eyes while trying to take calming breaths. I watched as a sense of control came over him and he re-opened his eyes to stare straight into my own. You could still see the anger but it wasn't as dominant as it had been before.

"I'm going to ask again – have you heard anything that I have said to you tonight or are you purposefully being obstinate and stubborn?"

"Of course I've heard everything you've said tonight. Why would you think I'm being obstinate and stubborn?" I answered him confused.

"Because if you had been listening to everything I've said tonight then why would you automatically assume that I broke our kiss because I didn't want it to happen? I have poured my heart out to you, telling you that I will fight for you, that I love you, that I want you in my life even though I am undeserving of it. Why would I reject you if that was the case?" he asked me sternly. My heart thundered excitedly at the words I never thought I would ever hear coming from his lips while that little voice of self doubt in my head quietened.

"Then why?" I allowed the feeling of rejection to show on my face making his hard mask dissolve right in front of my eyes. His face crumpled into heartbreak as his whole body loosened from its rigid composure.

"Bella, I want to do this right. If by some miracle you decide to forgive me, then I want to take this slowly." I found myself drowning in the sincerity of his eyes. His voice was pleading with me to understand that he wanted to do it right because he had hurt me and didn't want to chance doing so again. I could feel the invisible pull between us trying to drag me to him, to wrap my body around his and never let him go but I knew I had to be stronger than that. This was always what I had wanted with Edward but he was right.

He had to fight for this.

For me.

For us.

"I want to build our relationship into something solid so that when hard times come again, we will be there to support and care for each other. I want to get it right so that we don't ever crumble beneath the pressure or let anyone come between us again. Do you understand?"

I remembered once again what Rose had said; Edward and my relationship had been built on omissions of the truth, fear of rejection and assumptions caused by bruised egos. But now Edward was back, he was here and telling me everything. He was opening his heart and soul to me so we could clear out all the omissions, fears and assumptions. He was showing me things from his point of view and making me see that things I had been so certain on were actually completely false. He was clearing house and giving us a new stronger foundation to start our relationship with.

Our _real_ relationship.

I just had to learn to let go of the past and all the self-deprecation and doubt that went along with it. I knew it would be hard for me, the events of our past had left me with many emotional scars and had me feeling a little skittish and scared of what my future held. So many unknown factors had been revealed to me recently that I felt as though my head was spinning, and yet, in the moment his lips touched my own, I felt anchored again. I knew where my life was supposed to be heading and I would build on myself and our relationship.

"Yes, I understand. I'm sorry, old habits die hard I guess." I smiled sadly at him causing him to nod back just as sadly.

"I don't want you to ever think I don't want you Bella, because I do. _Please_ believe that I do. But I refuse to mess this up again. I want to do things properly this time around because you deserve it to be done right and because I don't want to ever chance losing you again." He pleaded to me for understanding as his words made me blush. I nodded my head and smiled shyly at him as the invisible weight which had been holding me down for so long seemed to dissolve.

I felt like for the first time in forever I could breathe.

I moved more cautiously to my seat on the couch and took a moment to let everything that had happened sink in while I waited for him to come back and sit next to me but, instead, he took his seat back over in the chair away from me.

"I think just to be safe, that we should have a little distant while we continue our talk and try to keep things amicable. Us getting riled up and shouting like that doesn't help the situation any," he said softly.

For a moment, my mind swam with images of what our riled up shouting match had become which was followed by varied different encounters we had in the past that came from anger. I squirmed in my seat as my body was reacting to my shameful thoughts. I shook my head to clear it but I could still feel the charge around us that had become more intense since the kiss. If I sat anywhere near him or he touched me in anyway, I felt like I'd probably attack him. I knew I shouldn't, I knew it wasn't going to help us with everything that was going on but I couldn't control it. It had been so long since we had even kissed and he had never kissed me like that. I could understand and even respected him for why he wanted us to have our distance while we continued our talk.

"Yeah, I agree." He smiled sheepishly then shook his head and resumed looking anywhere but at me. I backtracked in my mind to what we had been talking about before that kiss had happened. I realized that I should have been calm and listened to what he was saying instead of charging in guns blazing and yet, I couldn't find it within myself to fully regret it.

Without the argument, there wouldn't have been the kiss.

"I'm sorry Edward," I whispered while staring at him. His head shot up and he looked at me genuinely confused as to why I would be apologizing to him.

"I'm sorry for jumping the gun earlier and not listening to you. I should have waited for you to explain why you had not told me about the break up with Tanya. It just stung a little. It sounded like you had waited because you wanted her to come back. I know that wasn't how it was meant, but it still made me feel like I was nothing except the runner-up prize," I pleaded with him to understand that I had only been angry because I cared so much for him. He shook his head slowly as if frustrated again.

"I was never actually waiting for her to come back, Bella, not really. I was making sure she didn't. As I spent more time with you, I became more convinced I was making the right choice and didn't want her to come back and ruin that for us. I was just being cautious back then, I had seen how hurtful and spiteful she could be; I was expecting her to march back into our lives and cause hell. I just didn't realize she was going to wait to do that precisely four years later."

I nodded my head and thought about everything he had explained. Now that I was thinking rationally and he'd explained more clearly, I could see passed my own insecurities to what he was meaning. He had at least been trying to be considerate, or what he thought was considerate. I also couldn't fault him for needing time to for him. It also made me wonder if he had seen Tanya for what she really was back when they had split up, then why was it so different only just a few months ago. The only way to find out was to let him continue on.

"I would really like to get past the subject of Tanya, Edward. I need to know how she managed to mess with your head so badly that you were willing to walk away from not only me but..." I couldn't finish my sentence but he knew what I was asking.

I couldn't talk about her yet.

And from the pain radiating from Edward's eyes, at even the near mention or her, neither could he.

"I don't want the intricate details. I just need to know what happened. I need to know so I can move forward," I said as forcefully as I could, though the slight quiver in my voice weakened it some. I was trying to be as brave; trying to face things when all I really wanted to do was run into his arms and pretend like nothing had happened.

"I guess the simple answer to that then is that she tricked me but I'm getting to that, there's things you need to know first, things you need to rethink from my point of view"

I nodded my head slowly watching his face fall into a resigned mask.

"Neither of our parents knew we'd separated, I hadn't told mine because I needed time and space to clear my head. She hadn't told her parents because she assumed I would go grovelling back to her." He scoffed slightly as if the mere thought of going back to her was ridiculous, while I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from reminding him that he had considered that very thing just a few short months ago.

"Our parents unknowingly set up an arrangement agreement during the month after our split and pulled me aside one night I was studying with you. They asked me to meet them in the library thinking I would agree and that Tanya and I would sign it. I knew as soon as I walked in what was happening and that I wasn't going to agree to the arrangement."

He sat forward and took a small drink from his glass before setting it back on the table and sitting back in his chair to relax again. I fidgeted slightly; I just wanted him to continue on with what he was telling me. The thought of him marrying her instead of me made my chest hurt.

"Tanya was there with a smug smile. She assumed I had set up the meeting so that I could go crawling back. Our parents told us the arrangement details and asked if we agreed. I automatically said no and her smug smile fell into a scowl. She finally figured out what was going on and was royally pissed that things weren't going her way." He laughed sarcastically while shaking his head in disbelief.

"I explained I had no interest in travelling the world fifty weeks of the year and that I wanted to at least try for my own children, which was a point I wasn't going to negotiate on. They all agreed as if this was more than obvious and were confused it wasn't until I turned my head to look at Tanya, that's when everything clicked into place."

"So she was trying to control everyone, not just you?" I asked to which he just nodded his head in reply. I was even more confused as to how she had managed to come between us if he had seen all this when we were younger.

"Needless to say, all her plans backfired horribly. I didn't go back to her and she wasn't going to get her way with an arrangement. The Denali's left with Tanya completely humiliated, leaving my parents asking me what I wanted to do because they were at a loss and had no idea. They asked me what I wanted."

Edward stopped to take a breath and became very quiet again. I was trying to hold myself as still as possible but I felt like I was going to explode if he didn't continue. Finally, he turned his head to look at me. His eyes were tranquil and had a slight shine to them that seemed to calm the nervous explosion that had been building up inside of me.

"And what did you tell them?" I whispered timidly hoping the butterflies erupting in my stomach were a good indication of what his answer was.

"You. I told them I wanted you," he replied almost reverently. The way he said those words to me made my heart melt but served to confuse me even more.

"I told them I had thought long and hard about everything. I wanted to be a doctor. I wanted a family, and I wanted a happy, stable life and every time I thought of a future like that, it was you standing next to me," he admitted shyly while I gave him a small smile in return. It made the previous ache in my chest change from a painful thud to an overjoyed beat trying to burst from my chest. I could feel the hope starting to seep into me.

"Our parents were so happy. Mom was sad her relationship with Carmen would be affected but overall she was ecstatic. Charlie and Renee had been phoned straight away of course. When they arrived at the house, everyone seemed to be ecstatic and busting at the seams to get everything started, but I asked for them to stop and breathe for a moment. I didn't want to scare you off again."

"What do you mean?" I asked curiously.

"Do you remember what your reaction was when you found out who I was and why you had been invited to my parents house that first day?" he asked just as cautiously.

"No…"

"You completely shut down. We had spent the whole afternoon talking, laughing and joking. We had been getting along amazingly and connected more than I ever had with anyone. You were so relaxed and just being you, with no pretences like most people. When our parents found us and you found out why you had been there to meet me, your whole demeanour changed. You became closed off. Your eyes dulled a little, you were polite but quiet when you spoke and the smile had completely left your face. I didn't blame you at the time; you were only sixteen years old and seemed to have been thrust into a very adult situation. It took me weeks to get you to relax around me again. That was why I didn't want them to rush you."

"Oh." I ducked my head feeling a little ashamed that I had acted that way. I knew it was a self-defence mechanism but I was still upset I had done that and continued to do so for the remainder of our relationship.

"If our parents had their way, we would have had the contract signed, been engaged and the wedding planned for your eighteenth birthday." He laughed uncomfortably while my eyes grew at least double their normal size. I was completely shocked but Edward looked at me compassionately and helped me relax.

"I didn't want that though. As I said you were only a teenager, you were mature beyond your years but it still didn't seem right. I wanted you to find your feet, become your own person and decide what you wanted in your life before anything happened with us. I asked them to leave the contract until after you had your high school graduation and had decided what your next step was going to be. I told them that if you wanted to go to college we would hold off until you were done and, if you didn't, then we would wait until you had decided what you wanted for your own life before asking you to agree to the contract. I wanted to wait until you were at least twenty-one before we got married. I wanted you to experience life and not be tied down to me. I wanted everything to be your choice."

Edward ducked his head in what I could only assume was embarrassment as I watched him wide eyed. He was blushing profusely under my gaze but I couldn't seem to tear it away from him.

Edward really had been thinking of me and taking everything he knew about me into consideration. He had known if they had tried to push me into anything, I would shut down. He was smart enough to realise that I needed time and space to grow and accept the changes that were going to occur. He cared enough to let me have the freedom that I wanted without having to ask. He understood I needed to grow up so that I could really truly evaluate the choice I was being given and decide for myself if I wanted it.

"Our parents reluctantly agreed, though I could see a shimmer of pride in Charlie's eyes that I had defended your freedom and choices. I asked that I be the one to tell you everything and again they agreed. I told them I would tell you about Tanya but wait until your birthday to tell you about the arrangement. I wanted to do it that way, but of course you figure it out straight away and closed yourself off from me again."

"I'm sorry I did that to you," I said to him with as much conviction in my voice that I could.

I remembered that talk as if it had happened yesterday. He had come back to his room after being away with his parents and was smiling widely. I had immediately gotten a sickening, sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and thought for sure he was going to tell me Tanya and him were going to be engaged. Instead he sat down crossed legged in front of me and took my hands into his own, holding them so tenderly you would have thought they were made of glass. I could feel my hands start to tingle all over again as the memories replayed in my head.

He explained to me that he wanted to talk to me about Tanya and I swear I was thought I was going to be sick. I was preparing myself for the inevitable blow when he said the exact opposite of what I had been imagining he was going to say.

They had broken up.

He wasn't going to be marrying her.

I remembered feeling this overwhelming euphoria spring through me as I flung myself into his arms. After a moment of hesitation he returned my embrace making me feel like I could fly. When the embrace was broken, I had played it off as a hug of concern and comfort for my friend while trying to hide my smile and my thundering heart. Edward explained that Tanya and he just had different ideas for their lives, so they had decided to end it. He explained that it was just as well because their parents had been ready to sign the arrangement contract between them. The minute the words left his lips, everything in my head clicked into place. I was the only other girl Edward had been introduced to pertaining to a marriage contract. So, if he wasn't marrying her, then that only left me.

I felt myself physically shut down and letting the rejection of being picked as the back up consume me. I remembered feeling slightly claustrophobic that my life was being picked out for me before I had even had any say in it, and then feeling angry that everyone would just assume that I would mould myself into the ideal life that Edward had planned. But even back then, I knew I had loved him and knew that we had wanted all the same things from life, so I hadn't stayed angry for very long.

"It's okay. I had anticipated you'd react that way. We had come to know each other pretty well over that year and a half. I knew you needed space to get your head around the situation. It was understandable," he murmured quietly while he sat back into his chair with a large huff.

Although he hadn't meant to, his words were like daggers stabbing into me. He had already known me so well that he had anticipated what I would do and had given me the time I had needed. Yet when he had needed that same thing in return, when he had needed time and compassion from my confession, I had been so hurt and impatient that I had not given him it. It saddened me that I had done that to him but I would apologise for it when we came to that later.

"Everything changed pretty quickly after that. Tanya was gone. Carmen and mom's relationship became strained, even more so when Tanya left home. Carmen and Eleazar blamed us for her disappearing act. Time continued on and the animosity the Denali's felt started to alleviate a little, or at least I thought it had. Tanya had told them she was happy on her travels and was living life to its full potential so they were happy for her."

I had known from the dinner party on the fourth of July that the Denali's had some hostile feelings towards me but it didn't mean that I thought it was fair for them to feel that way. It made me wonder if Tanya had lied to them about my involvement in Edward's and her break up or if they had always been so two faced and manipulative but, in my naivety, I just hadn't noticed.

"Of course I didn't know any of that was going on because I was so focused on our future. Things in our own lives seemed to have gone into hyper drive. We went from your eighteenth birthday to your book tour this year in what seemed like the blink of an eye, it was like all these life changing events that were happening for us before I could stop to think."

Edward looked slightly saddened by this fact. The biggest part of me hoped that he was feeling that way because it had all happened so quickly and not because it had happened at all. I knew deep down that it had not been the former. Edward moved his focus of attention from the table in front of us to my eyes. I could see what looked like regret and longing piercing through his beautiful emerald orbs making my heart physically hurt for him.

"Your eighteenth, signing the arrangement agreement, your high school graduation, going to college, writing your first novel, the engagement, your twenty first birthday, our wedding, our disaster of a honeymoon then getting your book published and starting your book tour. It was all significant events your life, in both of our lives and the only person I was focused on through it all was you," he said to me sweetly with a hint of melancholy seeping through.

"Things had finally slowed down and had been going pretty well for us. We were married, your book was published and you were starting your second one while planning your book tour and I was working my way through the hospital. I was happy, truly settled and content for the first time in what seemed like forever. Things weren't perfect, some things weren't exactly the way I had wanted them to be, especially between us, but I took what I was being given and was thankful for what I had. I had started to feel safe and comfortable in our lives."

He closed his eyes and rested his head back on the seat as if the thoughts in his head were defeating any strength he had inside of him. I knew from his posture that we were finally getting to the root of the topic and that I wasn't going to like it.

"It was mid March and I was doing rounds, going through patient charts and just generally having a normal day when everything changed. I wasn't paying attention and bumped into someone, it was Tanya. She had come home from her travels and was staying with her parents. We passed the polite pleasantries, asking one another how life was treating us. She asked about you and seemed to be genuinely happy for us, and you, when I told her about your book." He lifted his head to look at me, trying to garner what my response to this would be but I had kept my face stoic.

"We ended up catching up over coffee, at first I wasn't sure if it was a great idea but she seemed so different, more grown up and mature. As soon as I sat down she told me she had an ulterior motive for being there. I started to get up to walk away when she suddenly apologised…for everything. She explained that her travels had taught her some hard life lessons and that being away from her family's influence had made her grow up and stop acting the way she had when we younger. She told me she had met someone, his name was Iain, he treated her wonderfully and she was for the most part happy but she missed our friendship, she missed our families so she was coming home."

"So if she had someone, why was she after you?" I asked him feeling my stomach twist unpleasantly.

"I'm getting to that part, Bella. I'm telling you everything, I promise," he whispered sincerely.

"Okay."

"Anyway, I told Tanya I was happy for her and that our families would be ecstatic that she was coming home. Her being at the hospital became a regular thing whether it was to do with Kate or Eleazar. We'd say hi, be polite, never anything more than that, until after April second happened," he whispered almost hoarsely at the end, while I flinched at the reminder of that night. It was both the best and worst night of my life. The best because we conceived Angel and, although she was gone, I'd never change that and the worst because that was the point everything started to fall apart.

"April second happened and it felt like my whole world was turned upside down. You told me you loved me, confused the hell out of me and then avoided me like the plague. I wasn't sleeping very well, work was piling up and I couldn't seem to get a handle on anything – all I could think about was you. I bumped into Tanya at the hospital and she knew something was wrong and tried to get me to talk to her about it but I wouldn't. I didn't want to talk to anyone, but you."

I cringed back into my seat hearing how my avoidance had yet again hurt him. I knew I had spent the majority of my life avoiding things, running from things I didn't like or want. I could openly admit that I had been stubborn enough in my past that if I couldn't avoid something, then I would pretend it wasn't happening but it was still an eye opener for me to see just how often I had done this to him.

I had spent our whole relationship running from him.

"Everything came to head on May fourth, the night before you left for your tour. You had been avoiding me for just over a month and I was sick of it. I was angry, frustrated and ready to come home and force you to face me when Dad called me aside and asked me to cover for one of the residents whose wife had went into premature labour. I tried to tell him no, that you and I had a fight and that I wanted to go home and talk to you about it, but he'd seen how wired I was and pleaded with me to do the shift, explaining that if I went home the way I was feeling, we'd just end up in an even bigger fight. Begrudgingly, I agreed," Edward said agitated.

He stood up from the chair and started to pace in front of the fire place. He looked as if he was at war with himself, he seemed so angry and tense but to look at his eyes you could see a sense of sorrow.

"I was paged to emergency due to a car accident; it was a drunk driver who had run a red light into this woman's car. She had her daughter in the back of the car where the majority of the impact was. The woman had minor injuries but the daughter was the worst. We did everything we could to save her but she was gone. I have seen it a hundred times but this time shook me up more than any other. I had noticed when we had brought her in that she was the spitting image of you at sixteen."

He turned to face the fireplace and braced himself against the mantel as if it was the only thing keeping him standing. I longed to go to him, to rub his back and support him but I wasn't sure if I could, I knew he needed space to get this all out.

"I had to tell her family that she had passed and, yet, all I could do was think about you. You were the spitting image of each other but this little girl would never grow up to become as beautiful as you. You have grown from a shy, slightly awkward sixteen year old into this breathtakingly beautiful woman and you don't even know it," he almost whispered painfully making my heart ache all the more for him.

"The anger I had been feeling all night broke with that revelation and I swore to myself that I was going to make things right with us. I was going to prove to you how wonderful you are and make sure you knew, in no uncertain terms, how I felt about you. I went to the cafeteria to take a break and map out a plan of what to do for us, I was scribbling down idea's when a cup of coffee appeared at my side. I looked up to find Tanya smiling at me. She asked how I was and everything came spewing out of my mouth before I could stop it."

Edward stood away from the mantel and started to pace the floor again looking more agitated than he had been before. I wanted to tell him to stop, that it didn't matter but I couldn't do it, so I kept my mouth shut.

"I told her everything, well almost everything. I told her about our friendship, how my feelings had started to change after the engagement party, how I figured I had been wrong after the honeymoon, how we had been living comfortably until our argument in the kitchen. I told her I was confused, that I had settled within myself that the feelings I had been having for you were just from all the hype surrounding the wedding but that I couldn't deny that I felt at peace, more safe, more like myself with you than I did with anyone else."

I was hurt that he had turned to her but I could see clearly enough that it could have been anyone at that point; we had just been unlucky that she had been the person to corner him into a confession.

"She listened and made suggestions to me on how to fix things with us. I was ready to come home and grovel at your feet. I had left a message on Jessica's desk saying I had left my pager and was to be unreachable until I was scheduled to be back on rotation. I didn't know that she hadn't phoned you the night before, there was no indication on my calendar that you were leaving, and there was nothing out of the ordinary, so I was shocked to arrive home just as my mom was walking back to her car. She explained that she had hoped to see you off before you left but she was too late. When she saw my face she knew that I'd had no idea you were leaving. She kissed my cheek, patted my chest and told me everything would be okay, it would all work itself out if I just had patience and faith."

I felt so angry with Jessica that she had messed around with Edward's calendar but she had done so hoping it would get her some personal gain. She had absolutely no right to do something like that. She wanted to make it seem like I was the bitch for leaving without telling him, and that Edward was the inconsiderate asshole who didn't care that his wife was finally home.

"I walked around in a daze for a weeks. I didn't know what to think or feel. I was hurt and angry but at the same time I knew why you had done it. I was pissed that you hadn't told me but now I know it was Jessica so I'm sorry for that. Eventually Dad pulled me aside and told me I had to get my head together or I was going to be no use to anyone and that maybe I should take our time apart to really think about what I wanted. That was how I ended up meeting up with Tanya again."

I fisted my hands together to hold in the tension and sickness that had started to come over my body as I knew we were getting to the root of it all.

"After my vent in the cafeteria, our pleasantries had changed to a slight friendship. It was nice and normal; there wasn't drama like there had been when we were younger. She was a completely different person than what I had remembered her being. It seemed like she had finally grown up and had stopped all her childish manipulations – or at least that was what she had made me think. I would vent things out and she would listen and be sweet and kind. She told me things with Iain weren't working because his heart just wasn't in it and was pulling away from her and she made it sound like it was a common occurrence."

I could feel the bile start to rise in my throat and had to swallow down some wine to keep it from making an appearance.

"She had been more observant of our past than I had ever given her credit for. She knew you were pulling away and made up a similar scenario to lure me in. There was never an Iain. She had made him up hoping to get me into a false sense of security. Of course I didn't know that at the time so we were each others shoulder to cry on when no one else understood," he said distastefully.

"Things went from bad to worse after the New York. I went home after the conference feeling even more defeated than I had before. I felt like I was losing you and losing everything I thought we had. The thought that you could be pregnant and I had ruined everything kept running repeatedly through my head. I didn't tell anyone about the pregnancy suspicions."

Edward took a large breath and stopped pacing. He finally looked at me with the saddest eyes I had ever seen, making me immediately want to run into his arms and hold him, but, I knew I had to be strong. We had to get through this before we could move one. He huffed out the large breath he had been holding and folded himself until he was sitting directly across from me with the coffee table in between us.

"All I could think about was you and our maybe baby. I couldn't get my head straight. I was distracted at work, yet wouldn't go home because being alone was worse. I was snapping at everyone and taking my bad mood out on them all. Almost a week after New York I was at the end of my rope. I wasn't eating right, sleeping right or functioning properly. I fell asleep during one of the team brief meetings that Eleazar was running. He had told everyone to leave me and that he'd get someone to come deal with me and take me home."

"Tanya," I whispered twisting my face into a grimace.

"You were right what you said the night of the… accident," he stuttered painfully causing us both to flinch.

"Eleazar was in cahoots with Tanya. He wanted her to be someone else's responsibility, so when she narrowed in on me again, he went along with it. He knew through titbits of conversations mom and Carmen both had, that things weren't so great with us, so he encouraged her all the more. Kate said that Carmen had no idea about anything that what was going on; she was just confiding in her husband that she was worried for her friend and her friends' son."

I could see the hurt and betrayal written all over Edward's face. Eleazar had not only been a family friend all his life but, in a way, he was a mentor to Edward too. He had looked up to both him and Carlisle imagining he wanted to be everything that they were only to have Eleazar stab him in the back like this.

"So that was why Tanya was around the hospital so much?" I asked already knowing the answer and feeling my stomach twist and that thought of people being so cruel as to plot the demise of a marriage.

"He told her my shift schedule and rotated either himself or Kate to be on at the same time so she would have an excuse to be there." He spat out in disgust for Eleazar's actions.

"I just can't believe that Eleazar and Tanya are so twisted," I whispered while feeling my head sway slightly from the nausea building more prominent in my stomach.

"So I digress. Tanya woke me up and offered me a ride home. I told her I didn't want to go home. I wasn't comfortable being there and I didn't want to invite her into your home when you weren't there to have a say in the matter," he admitted sheepishly, though it made me sigh in relief that he knew I wouldn't have been happy and comfortable with her being in my home alone with my husband when I wasn't there.

"She offered to take me to mom, saying she had not seen her in forever and that she missed her. She said she wanted to try and help fix Carmen and mom's a relationship a little because she felt responsible," he explained blandly.

"What she really meant was that she wanted to spend time with you and get close enough to Esme to build up a relationship between them again. She knew she couldn't have a relationship with you without having one with your family this time… at least at first. Two birds, one stone," I muttered feeling the anger building again. Tanya was trying to pull everyone into this web of deceit.

"You figured it out when I didn't, but yeah you're right. I accepted the offer and she drove me to mom's. To say she was shocked to find the two of us when she answered the door was an understatement, but within twenty minutes of us being there Tanya had told mom everything and it seemed like no time had past at all. She went on to talk about mom and Carmen's friendship and how her silly childish actions had affected them both so much. She said she wanted everyone to be friends again and be one big happy family. She seemed to have had mom eating out of the palm of her hand." He winced, I can only assume at how blind they all had been to Tanya's motives and that she could manipulate them in such a way. He could see now that they had been played. Edward had wanted to believe that he had one of his oldest friend's back and Esme had wanted to believe that the little girl that she had watched grow up over the years and wanted to believe she could genuinely change.

For the first time I could slightly understand some of the pain the Cullen's had been talking about. They had wanted to believe in Tanya, they wanted to believe that someone they had known all of their lives couldn't hurt them like that but she had. They had lost that little girl they had known leaving in her place a twisted, manipulative bitch of a woman. They had seen through her schemes before Edward did and pleaded with him to watch what he was doing, but he hadn't listened so, therefore, they lost Edward, Angel and I. They had seen the train wreck coming and were powerless to stop it.

"Tanya set up a shopping day for Carmen, mom and her and insisted that we should all meet up afterwards for dinner. She said she would convince Iain to come into town to meet us all and that she wouldn't take no for an answer. Mom told her she would be unavailable for at least a week or so due to work commitments. Tanya insisted that would work out perfectly as it would give Iain time to get into town…"

"When really there was no Iain and she was just being agreeable to get on Esme's good side," I finished for him while he nodded his head.

"She left after we all had lunch with the promise of seeing her around more often because she had missed us all. I crashed out on the couch under the worried gaze of my mom. I must have slept through the whole afternoon because when I reopened my eyes later, it was dark outside and I could smell my mom cooking dinner. I gave myself a moment to properly wake up and finished the drink I'd had before I fell asleep. I was heading to the kitchen to offer a hand but I stopped by the door after hearing Alice ranting and raving." His face falls into a mask of sadness and hurt and I can only imagine the things that Alice must have been saying. Alice and he had always been the exceptionally close growing up and had been more like best friends than brother and sister.

"What was she saying?" I whispered.

"It's not really important right this very minute but, needless to say, we had it all out and I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach afterwards. I felt like I couldn't breathe so I marched out of the house to get some air. I don't know how I ended up back at the hospital but somehow I did, I started checking patients' charts and walking the wards not paying attention to anyone. Before I even realized what was happening, I was trembling and couldn't catch a breath, and then blacked out."

"Oh no, were you okay? What happened?"

"It was nothing major Bella. I had a panic attack."

"To sound like a broken record here, were you okay?" I asked fearing he was downplaying the severity of it all to stop me from panicking.

"Yes, Bella, I was fine, I promise. Basically, all I had to eat that day was mom's soup at lunch, that combined with my panic attack over Alice and her rant caused me to black out. When I came to, Eleazar was standing over me checking my vitals. He said he had tried to phone you to come and get me but your mobile was switched off, to which I explained that you were away on your book tour." I sat puzzled in front of him. I had received a text message telling me of every missed call I'd had while my phone was switched off during those two and a half weeks, and not one of they messages had been from the hospital phoning me. Edward spotted the confused look on my face and asked me what was wrong.

"No one from the hospital tried to phone me when I was away, Edward. I receive a text message for every missed call I get, and none of them were from the hospital."

"That lying son of a….God, I'm such an idiot." He palms his face in anger and frustration, while I sit there waiting for him to continue.

"Eleazar said I wasn't to be home alone that night because when I collapsed I had banged my head on the floor causing a mild concussion. He said he just wanted to be on the safe side because I was one of their best friend's children. He offered to phone Alice or mom but saw the grimace on my face when he mentioned them. When he realized I wasn't going to let him phone anyone else, he gave me two options." He stopped and looked at me warily.

"Which were?" Scared of the answer I would receive, I ducked my head to avoid his gaze.

"Stay at the hospital or go home with him."

"And I'm guessing from the guilt in your voice that you went home with him?" I surmised.

"Yeah I did," he murmured guiltily.

"Okay, now I'm assuming that what you told Alice and Esme is the truth and that you've never cheated on me with her, but I still would like very much in this moment in time to hear you say it again," I said as forcefully as I could and waited for his response. I felt like I was sitting on a bed of nails while my vision blurred as I kept my eyes focused on a spot on the floor. Before I realized what was happening, Edward had moved from where he had been sitting and was cupping my face tenderly and moving my gaze back to his own.

"Bella, I have never cheated on you with Tanya or anyone else and I never will. I promise you nothing like that happened," he whispered lowly while moving forward to rub his nose against my own. I knew he could have been doing that just to distract me but the sincerity in his eyes couldn't be cheated.

At seeing this and inhaling the scent that is Edward, I felt myself relax. Once we were both calm, Edward kneeled back down until he was sitting at my feet, leaning against the coffee table with his knees bent in front of him and his arms resting against them. He looked at me with a small smile that I answered with, more than likely happy that he still had an affect on me. After a moment, his smile slipped and a look of resignation took over his face.

"I went home with Eleazar that night and, conveniently enough, Tanya was the only person still awake. She sat up with me all night, making sure I was okay. I went home the next day and returned to work that night. Things continued as normal until two days later. I walked into the hospital to see Tanya, Eleazar, Carmen and all the hospital staff surrounded by a birthday cake." I grimaced at the mention of his birthday. I knew it was silly, the two of us had been hurting and I was avoiding him but to know he had spent his birthday, even if it was only in part, with her felt like a knife being twisted into my heart.

"I hadn't remembered it was my birthday, so I was shocked to see everyone serenading me as I walked through the doors," he murmured as he fidgeted with his hands, avoiding my gaze.

"Didn't Esme, Alice or Em phone you in the morning? That's what they usually do?" I asked confused.

"No, they didn't," he answered sadly.

"Why not?"

"That story for another day, Bella." He looked up at me and tried to appear jovial, but his eyes gave away the hurt that he felt over it.

"You better believe we are going to be talking about it." I snapped a little, then reeled myself in letting him continue. I hated that so much had happened between us that we hadn't known.

"As I said, I was surprised. We had a small party in the meeting office and it was fun for a little while. You were constantly in my head, please don't misunderstand that, but for the first time in a long while I felt like you weren't the only thing going through my head. It felt nice to be cared about again." I looked at him as if he had three heads because I knew the amount of people that cared for him but then I remembered how they had turned their backs after the accident and begun to wonder if it had been happening before that and I just hadn't noticed.

"Dad walked in and the atmosphere changed instantly. I knew he wasn't happy but he wished me a happy birthday and then left to return to work, scowling at the Denalis as he walked away."

"He saw what they were up to?" I asked, shocked that Carlisle had seen through it all so quickly.

"He had his suspicions. He didn't like Tanya always hanging around the hospital. He didn't trust Eleazar anymore and was really pissed that they had thrown me an impromptu birthday party and hadn't invited my family or friends," Edward explained.

"After the party things went back to normal again, or I guess my newest definition of normal. I was missing you like crazy, I was still tormenting my mind with the maybe baby, I still wasn't sleeping or eating right and the only place I felt comfortable was the hospital even though I couldn't concentrate worth a damn," he rattled off as if it was the complete norm as I felt a stabbing of guilt over my assumptions than nothing about what was happening between us was even bothering him.

He had been doing what I had.

Existing.

"June thirtieth rolled around I was I excited because I knew you were coming home the next day. I knew we had a million things to work through and talk about, I was still confused, but I wanted to work on us. I was ready to move forward and see where things could really go for us," Edward murmurs sadly avoiding my gaze again.

"With Tanya being around so much, she had seen your supposed return written on my calendar and planned the shopping trip and dinner for the night before. She was trying to get as much time with me as possible before you returned. She thought when you got home things would be harder for her to mess with," he admits angrily as his hands fist, his jaw clenches and his head drops in defeat.

"But, of course, we made it easy for her," I murmur feeling just as defeated at our actions.

"I was working that night. I was supposed to finish at five but I knew that the dinner table was reserved for seven, so I left at twenty to and met our parents and Tanya there. We all filed in and immediately I notice that there is a chair short."

"No Iain," I nod understanding where the point is going.

"Exactly. I question it only to have Tanya become teary eyed and admit that the relationship was finished. She was tired of him pushing her away when they were supposed to be working through things together. Dad saw through it right away as his polite smile almost immediately turned into a suspicious scowl. At the time I couldn't understand why he was being like that so I ignored him and tried to help mom and Carmen cheer Tanya up. Before I knew it everyone but dad was smiling, laughing and joking." Edward explained as I felt my gut twist at the happy family scene being painted out for me.

"We had our meal and then decided to go back to the Denali's for after dinner coffee. Dad made his excuses and bowed out but gave me a look that let me know he wanted to talk to me. Once we got outside, he took me aside and warned me to watch out where Tanya was concerned, that something wasn't right and that he didn't want us being pulled in by her, especially with us being as vulnerable as he knew we were then." I was more happy than I would like to admit that Carlisle could see through her. It made me happy that someone had been trying to protect us from the snake in the grass from the very beginning.

"The night at the Denali's continued to be fun, especially watching mom reconnect with the friend she had missed so terribly but dad's words kept circling my head, so I made sure to keep my distance from Tanya for the rest of the night. As the night grew later, I wanted nothing more than to go home and wait for you to get back so I convinced mom it was time to leave at ten thirty..."

"But you didn't get home until the back of one in the morning?" I interrupt suddenly wondering where the hell he had been.

"I know. I drove mom home and she pulled me into the house for a deep and meaningful conversation. She had heard me mention during dinner that you were coming home and wanted to work out with me what I had planned to try and work things out with us. She had been watching Tanya and I during dinner too and warned me the same as dad had done. Afterwards, I was geared up and ready to go until I walked in the door and saw you then everything changed." The sadness in his tone pulls at my heart, now knowing that he had been hurting just as much as I had.

"And I, of course, blew up at you within seconds of walking through the door, I blame the hormones." I try to joke to lighten the mood a little but his face is staring at my own with such wonder that it falls flat.

"Is that what you think?" he murmurs to me as I nodded slowly, slightly unsure.

"That wasn't what I meant when I said everything changed. I meant I took one look at you and every thought I had in my head, every pain I'd felt when you were away, every argument or silence I had endured vanished because you were home. You were safe and sound and in our home, I could hold you and kiss your cheek. I could talk to you again. I felt like I had you back and we could start again but the revelation of that actually happening wiped my mind and all I could think about was how beautiful you were and how I had messed up big time." I feel the blush radiate through my skin but I couldn't tell if it was from the compliment he had paid me or if it was from the anger that was starting to swell through my body. If I was so wonderful then why didn't he realize then that he loved me? Before I could get the words together to ask, he continued on.

"I took every verbal hit you gave me and tried to talk things through with you. I thought I was doing okay until you told me you'd decided that we were going to be friends and friends alone, and that was final. I was so angry with you, you'd made you decision, I didn't get any input and the decision was final."

"Erm... excuse me, but you made a decision behind my back, too, Edward. You decided before I came home that we were going to work on things. You just assumed I would automatically go along with that," I told him, showing the anger I had been trying to keep inside me.

"Bella, I meant work on things in both aspects. I meant work on our friendship and our relationship, but I was going to discuss it with you first. Either way, we would have been working on something together, instead of pissing each other off and shutting each other out to the extent that be both felt unwanted and unneeded. I was never going to put you in the position were I made the decision for you like you did with me," Edward replied just as angrily. I listened to what he had said and felt like he had punched me in the stomach. I hadn't known that he felt the way he had, that he thought he was unwanted and unneeded but looking back on it I could see were he had gotten that idea from.

"When you had asked me if I had felt the pain in your chest, or if I felt like I couldn't breathe when we were apart, I never replied because I was shocked that you had felt it too. At the time, I had thought it was because I missed you and felt so bad about the argument that was going on between us. We had never gone so long without talking and I thought that was the reason I was feeling that way," he tells me looking into my eyes with such determination that I couldn't help but believe him. I didn't know how to respond to him so I ducked my head shyly, knowing he had shown me that I was wrong.

"I was in complete awe when that test came back positive. Every thought I had been imagining for us since I was twenty came rushing through my head. I was so happy but also felt profoundly blessed that it was all happening with you like I had wanted it to." He stops to take a breath and I can see him fidget slightly from the side glance I give him while trying to keep my eyes planted to a spot on the floor. I couldn't watch him as he talked about her – not yet.

"Feeling the bump in your stomach, feeling my hand not only hold you, but hold her – in that moment I couldn't think of anything better." I hear the tremor in his voice and see the tears falling from his eyes from the side of my eye. I think over what he's said as he tries to compose himself a little.

"You said you couldn't think of anything better?"

"I couldn't until I was actually holding the two of you in my arms in the hospital room. Even if it was only briefly, there's never going to be a minute in my life that tops that," he whispers sadly to me, and then reached out to squeeze my hand softly. That would always be our pain and we were the only two who would fully understand how the other was feeling over it. We would face it one day, but not today.

"After the panic attack, the next day's argument and activities that followed, I was scared more than anything. I was fighting for you and you shut down on me so completely, more than I had ever seen you shut down before. All the way to the doctor's office I kept debating with myself whether to keep fighting and risk damaging us more, or to just let you have things the way you wanted, but the second I saw her on the screen, I knew I had to fight for you both. I tried everything to get your attention, to try and talk but it was like a switch was flicked in your head that day. The lights were on but no-one was home."

I knew what he meant. I remember vaguely him and everyone else trying to vie for my attention and co-operation on things but I was so lost in my head, lost in my warring emotions of love and resentment that I didn't know which way was up from down.

"The fourth of July came along and the disaster of a dinner happened. I thought at first that Tanya was upset because of what had happened with Iain. She had said that she wanted a baby so bad after she had found him. I know now thanks to Kate that it wasn't true and that she was just trying to reel me in again but, at the time, I felt sorry for her supposed pain. It wasn't until she asked me if I had actually slept with you and started talking about our marriage that I realized she was jealous, but again, I thought she was jealous of what we had together. I felt badly for my friend not realizing that her pain and jealousy was from her thinking her plan was thwarted," he said angrily.

I tried to readjust in my mind the memory I had of that night to see it from his point of view. He had seemed so disheartened and pained while arguing with her that night that I had assumed it was all to do with his unresolved feelings for her, as had everyone else at the table but he was adamant that he was only pained for his friend. It left me wondering if it had maybe been a little of both.

"I messed up that night. I chased after her to shout at her and demanded to know what her problem was. She collapsed to the ground right in front of me hysterically crying saying she was so sorry. I softened against her thinking she was just having a hard time."

I rolled my eyes slightly knowing that she had played against his weakness for being a gentleman. I'd never known a proper gentleman of any worth to leave a woman crying and not try to help. I lifted my head to look more closely at him only to be met with a slight frown and the darkening of his eyes.

"I asked her if she was okay but she surprised me by admitting that she had started to have feelings for me again. She talked to me about how close we had become again, how comfortable we were in each other's company and that we were still having fun just like we had used to. She told me that she didn't think I was happy and that it was the only thing she truly wanted for me. She didn't think you were happy either, and that we would drag each other and the baby down with us. She told me that you would do nothing but shut me out, and eventually the baby, too."

I hung my head in shame again because that was exactly what I had done. I had shut him out and I had resented my baby until it was almost too late. I felt the tears building in my eyes knowing that even if Tanya hadn't managed to play me, she had played him using my weaknesses.

"I shouted at her again and demanded that she was to leave us alone. I told her to stop coming around the hospital to see me, to stop phoning and texting me. I told her the only relationship I can have with her is friendship. She nodded her head sadly then walked away from me. I felt confused over everything that had happened all in the space of a week. I was trying to get my head together before coming back to you, but then I was launched upon by the mob, otherwise known as our family." He said sounding sad.

"The more everyone shouted at me about being an adult, about doing the right thing and about being responsible, all I could think about were Tanya's parting words. You weren't happy, I wasn't happy, you were shutting me out and I felt like I was giving up on the fight. The more I heard everyone talking around me the more I realized that no one was telling us to be happy or to do what we wanted. My mind became a mixture of what I had felt with both you and Tanya. I was angry with myself, but her words had hit me their target and had me questioning everything."

He moved his hand to take my own before kissing it lightly, then moved his right hand to my chin to make me tilt my head up to face him. He looked at me so sadly when he saw the tears silently falling down my face.

"I never should have questioned us, Bella, but I was so confused and hurt. You were pushing me away as if the very thought of me being near you made you physically sick. She played me, being everything she knew I needed at that very moment and was whispering all those asinine, insecure thoughts into my ear making that little voice in my head louder and louder. What I said to you that night when I thought you were in bed sleeping was unforgiveable and I am so sorry. There's no excuse for it, none at all. I'll never be sorry enough or stop apologizing for my idiotic behavior that night." He held my face so tenderly in his hand and softly wiped away the tears that were falling with his thumb.

I could see he was sorry. There really had been no reason or excuse that was ever going to be good enough for that particular mistake that night. I knew I had my own sins to atone to, so I couldn't and wouldn't hold this over his head.

"So she played us both?" I whispered sadly.

"No, she played me. You saw right through her from day one," he replied just as sadly while I shook my head in disagreement.

"She played on my flaws and weaknesses. She knew I'd run and shut you out. The more I pushed you away the more she was there with open arms – I'm assuming that's what was happening before the anniversary party?" I feel the biggest stab of pain in my heart knowing that she almost succeeded in her plan of tearing us apart. She used our flaws and weaknesses against us and played with our minds. I ran and pushed people away, while Edward embraced the good in everyone and wanted everyone to be happy always.

"More or less. She wasn't around the hospital so much and when she was, she keeping her distance, giving me a sad smile when we would bump into each other. She would text me saying she missed me, or she wanted me to be happy, but I would delete them and try not to think about what she had said. When I invited her to the anniversary party I had every intention of cutting all ties with her, Bella. I was saying goodbye when you saw us." He pleaded to me, making my heart hurt even more because that hadn't been what it seemed like that night. There had been so much miscommunication between us that we had pushed each other away without even realizing it. I couldn't sit in peace any longer so I stood up to get some distance from him, I needed space.

"Well if you were saying goodbye then how do you explain the conversation with your mother and Alice, Edward? How do you explain all that away if you had been saying goodbye?" I shouted at him feeling all the hurt, anger and pain consume me. Edward kept himself on the floor and tried to keep himself calm but I could see the control slipping through his fingers slowly.

"I wasn't going to fight for someone who didn't want me to fight for them. I wasn't going to fight for a dead relationship, Bella. If I've said it once, I've said it a million times. You make a decision and you stick to it. You don't talk to anyone, get a second opinion, have any leeway or give anyone a chance to explain. Your decision's made and it's final. You gave up that night, that dead look in your eyes as you said we were done told me that there was no talking to you, there was no way I could sway your decision, so I gave up too. I let my mind take me to somewhere were I could be loved because in that very moment, I didn't think I'd find it with you," he answered me coldly making me gasp and tremble in both anger and pain.

"You thought I didn't love you anymore?" I spat. He jumped to his feet angrily, letting every emotion he had been holding inside erupt all throughout his body, face and voice.

"What else was I supposed to think, Bella? You wouldn't let me near you. I couldn't touch you or talk to you! Christ, the only time you would let me near you was when we had an audience and even then, it was limited to touching my daughter. You gave up on me, so I gave up on you!" he roared angrily at me making me take a step back in shock. The two of us were in silence as we let what had been said lingering around us, absorbing it all.

"I didn't know what else to do. I was still so confused and hurt. It wasn't until I actually saw you walking out of the door that everything became crystal clear and I realized what a mistake I had made. Then hearing you on the phone…seeing you in that wreck… I thought I had killed you, I thought I'd killed you both." He collapsed to his knees as sobs wracked through his body.

He was completely broken.

Just like me.

I ran to him holding him tightly as he broke and shattered his heart and soul into a thousand pieces right in front of me. I clung to him and felt my own grief resurface. So many mistakes and miscommunications, so many simple little things had caused such a large ripple to be ripped through so many people's lives. Edward continued to beg me for forgiveness and saying he was sorry. He kept repeating that he had killed our daughter making my heart bleed for our shared pain. We were both responsible for the circumstances leading to the accident, but it had been just that, a fluke of nature, an unexplainable accident. I told him this repeatedly and after a while felt him start to relax and breath more steadily.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," he whispered as he sat up and looked at me.

"I know that now. I'm sorry, too, Edward," I whispered back.

I leaned my forehead against his own, feeling him relax even more against me. The adrenalin I'd had racing through my veins earlier started to drift away leaving my body feeling heavy and tired. Now that I knew were Edward and I stood, I felt my body completely relax and give in to the blissful comfort that being surrounded by him had always caused me.

We moved over to the couch and sat next to each other with my legs over his thighs and hugging into his side slightly, though, still giving us room to gaze into each other's eyes. I melted into my seat, it wasn't until I felt my eyes start to droop that I looked at the time only to realize that it was three o'clock in the morning and that we had been in each other's presence for over five and a half hours and talking deeply for at least four of those.

I couldn't believe how that night had flown by and yet a lot had been said and done although at the same time, not nearly enough had been cleared away. I loved seeing the look of adoration and love coming from him. It made me feel warm, safe and wanted; I felt more at ease than I had ever felt in my life. I tried desperately to keep my eyes from closing as we sat in our comfortable silence just admiring each other, but it was getting harder to fight against it as his scent surrounded me, enclosing around me.

My eyes finally surrendered to the heaviness, although I didn't go into a deep sleep. I felt Edward's strong, familiar arms, which I had missed infinitely, wrap around me causing me to turn into him and snuggle against him like a puppy would their master. I felt the side of his face caress against the top of my head as if to cuddle me into him as well. I heard him open a door and lightly place me on a bed before trying to cover me with a blanket then felt him trying to pull his arms away from me as if to retreat, but I couldn't let him go. I grabbed onto him with all the strength I had left, which wasn't much at this point but it was enough to stop him in his tracks.

"Bella," Edward whispered to me although I couldn't make out his tone. He seemed to be trying to reprimand me slightly but the weakness of his attempt gave away that he wanted this as much as I did.

"Stay," I pleaded in a whisper to him.

"Bella, I thought we agreed to do things right this time." He sounded as if the thought of leaving me pained him so I continued in my pursuit.

"We are. This is right. You're my husband and I'm asking you to hold me. Please, I need you to hold me." I demanded more urgently while trying to fight myself to wake up but my body wouldn't seem to follow my brains orders. Everything was catching up with me and now that my body had finally gone into a completely relaxed stage, it was refusing to reawaken.

"Please," I whispered brokenly, feeling all the fight drain away from me.

"I can't resist you, especially when you plead with me like that. I'll give you anything you want, baby girl," he whispered to me as he lay down next to me on his back and pulled my body against his own until I'm wrapped around him just like I used to do. He moved and shimmied about until my leg was over his waist, my hand was on his chest and my head lay over his heart so I could listen to it beating softly under my ear as he ran his fingers through my hair. He then moved his head down to my hair and took a deep breath of my scent and relaxed deeper into the bed while holding me with his arms around me just tight enough to let me know that he was not letting me go for the rest of the night.

Just like he used to do before all of this happened.

The thought made me smile sleepily and I cuddled into the comfort of my husband's arms.

It didn't matter to me that I was still in my evening gown. It didn't matter to me that we still had a mountain of issues to face tomorrow and every day after that. Nothing mattered, not even our past because in that exact moment, I was home.

"Happy New Year, baby girl. I love you," was the last thing I heard whispered in my ear as I feel into a deep sleep.

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><p><strong>A.N <strong>- Huge chapter for various reasons.

1. Real life and health issues have been kicking my ass recently so I'm so sorry I haven't been updating as much as I should have, I'll try harder I promise.

2. For some unknown reason I've been unable to get a hold of my Beta for the past week and half - slightly worried know as she's become my friend - so the chapter is unbeta'd.

3. I want the subject of Tanya over done with for good (Maybe ;-) )

4. And Lastly - I know three chapters is a lot for one conversation but I want to really show things through Edwards eyes too (Incase I never managed to write a half decent EPOV piece to the story). So many people have commented me blaming Bella, others blaming Edward. I want to get the point across that they both are to blame for the mess they are in. I know there are still going to be people who point the finger but I want to show it was the miscommunication and assumptions that caused everything to spin out of control.


	18. Ch 18 A New Day Has Begun

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch** **18. – **A New Day Has Begun

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><p>I opened my eyes the next day to the sun streaming through the window opposite me, feeling more relaxed and rested than I had in months. I could tell by the height of the sun that we were no longer in the morning hours, it was now mid afternoon and no doubt everyone was worried as I hadn't come home or let anyone know where I was.<p>

But in that moment I couldn't find it within myself to care.

I started to think over everything that had happened yesterday. From being at the house and breaking down, pouring my soul out in my grief with Rosalie, going to the party and having to face nearly every fear I'd had since leaving the hospital. Listening to my dad pour his heart out to me and beg for understanding literally broke down any defense I had against him and my mother, I didn't agree with what they had done but I could understand their logic and well meant intentions. Confronting my family over their actions towards Edward hurt more than I had ever thought it would, and then mom taking me to Angel's memorial felt like a healing of sort, my heart would always be scarred with her death but the memorial gave me some closure.

And then there was Edward.

Everything always had and always would come back to Edward.

My head was still slightly spinning thinking bout all the information he'd gave me the night before. He had laid it all bare to me and was ready to face the consequences no matter what they were. It angered me that so many little things had been misconstrued because neither one of us had tried to push the issues and talk about them. People had managed to push themselves in between us, messed up things in malicious, nasty ways but if we had been strong enough, honest enough and brave enough to face each other with the truth, it never would have happened.

I couldn't help but smile as I remembered our kiss, the heat and passion that had been behind it. I traced my lips with my finger still feeling them tingle and swollen from our forcefulness and need for each other. I could feel from the slight movements I made as I stretched that my prediction about the bruises on my hips had been right, they hurt slightly when any pressure was on them but they hurt in the most delicious way making my smile even bigger.

Edward had marked me.

My husband wanted me so badly that he had marked me.

My smile turned soft again as I remembered him bringing me into his room to sleep. I could only assume it was his rooms as his scent was surrounding me, making me feel safe and warm. I snuggled further into the pillow I had been laying on taking a proper fill your lungs to capacity, deep breath for what felt like the first time in months. I turned in the bed knowing he wasn't laying there with me anymore. I had hoped I would be wrong but I knew if he had been here he would have been holding me, even before he knew within himself how he felt about me, he had always held me when we were in bed. Unfortunately I was right and he wasn't there, I figured that he had not wanted to disturb me and had left me to sleep.

With a slight huff at being alone I got up and walked over the door that had been left open thinking it would lead me to the hall when really it led me to the master en suite. Though slightly surprised, I took the opportunity to freshen up a little while I compared my Grandmothers cabin to this one. This cabin was at least three times the size hers and had been updated to give you every little comfort you would have at home. I couldn't help but think that I would be the perfect escape from the world.

My Grandmothers cabin had always been my safe haven, especially when I was writing but you couldn't really stay there for any substantial amount of time as it was as basic as you could get. It had a the very bare essentials as it had never been used for anything more than a stopping spot during my Grandfather's hunting trips, it was never used as a holiday home or a private get away, just a roof over his head for the night. This cabin though was somewhere you could come to for a week or two and just be, no one around to disturb you, every comfort you would need including indoor heating and entertainment and the biggest plus was knowing it was Edward and I's little secret. I wanted us to stay here in our own little bubble for as long as possible, that thought sent a thrill and feeling of warmth though my whole body.

I giggled to myself as I finally caught my reflection in the mirror. My hair was still curled but it had a more messed up natural look to it then what it had last night, my make up was still on my face and I had never been more thankful for water proof mascara in my life as I would have hated to see what I would have looked like if I had been wearing normal mascara. My once beautiful dress was now crumpled and wrinkled making me frown. I decided I was going to have a shower and then change into one of Edwards t-shirts instead of causing anymore distress to my dress. With that in mind I moved from the en suite to the dresser in the room to change only to be met with empty drawers.

The smile I had been wearing all morning dropped unceremoniously from my face as I registered that non of his clothes were in the dresser, I checked drawer after drawer then moved just as quickly to the wardrobe to look only to feel the panic and anger overwhelm me when that came up empty as well. I ran from the room fearing that he had left me here alone and ready to kill him if that had been the case only to stop dead in my tracks when I heard a loud thud from outside. I moved to window facing the back of the property and found Edward outside, all bundled up in a heavy jacket with an axe in his hand. I smiled slightly then covered my mouth to mask my laughter when I realized he was trying to cut up firewood. It seemed like the complete opposite of anything Edward would have done before.

Breathing a sigh of relief, I moved over to the kitchen to get myself a glass of water. After running the tap and filling my glass, I stood by the sink and gazed out of the window there, looking at the perfect scenery and remember what my thoughts had been before my mild panic attack. This place seemed like heaven on earth and I never wanted to leave. While away in my wee dream world, I hadn't noticed that the thudding sound had stopped or that Edward was heading back to the cabin. Slightly frightened by the noise of the door opening, I turned quickly to see Edward coming inside without his jacket and now only wearing a tight white t-shirt. He leaned down to put the logs he was carrying into a basket by the door. The sheer shock of how good he looked made me drop the glass I had been holding, smashing it into a million pieces and causing Edwards head to shoot up into my direction in concern.

"Bella?" He asked sounding worried. He stood up straight in the doorway showing every curve and muscle of his body. The jacket he had been wearing outside had been under the logs, folded on his arm. The white t-shirt was so tight against his chest that it showed every lump and bump of his six pack followed by his pair of worn comfortable jeans that had a rip in the knee and pair of sandy workman boots showcasing his strong long legs. I felt my face go pale to flush in barely ten seconds.

"I'm sorry I got scared and the glass slipped from my hand. Guess I should pay better attention of my surroundings huh?" I tried to joke while trying to calm the fast beating of my heart and the ache that had suddenly surrounded my body pushing me to touch him and have him touch me back.

"I didn't mean to frighten you, I thought you were still asleep" He admitted sheepishly, rubbing his hand against the back of his neck. He then turned to close the front door but didn't move any further to come into the room just as I had stayed rooted to my spot in the kitchen; it was awkward, as though we were trying to keep our distance.

"It's okay, it was my fault. I was away in a daydream not paying attention."

"Was it at least a nice dream?" He asked me with a small hopeful smile, making my heart melt a little.

"Yeah, it was." I looked away from his gaze and blush profusely, not wanting him to know just how wonderful my daydreams of us were.

"When did you wake up?" Edward asked his signature smirk in place, telling me that though he wasn't voicing it, he'd caught on to the directions my thoughts were headed.

"About ten to fifteen minutes before you found me, I woke up and decided I was going to take a shower and steal one of your shirts to change into, when I found the dresser and closet empty" I tell him while arching my eyebrow at him accusingly.

"My clothes are in my suitcase under the bed. I arrived on Thursday and didn't think I would be staying any longer than maybe three days to four days max so I didn't see the point in unpacking them." He looked away from me as he admitted this, trying to hide from me the discomfort and hurt that this confession caused him.

"You weren't going to stay? Were you, at least, going to try and see me?" I asked him, trying to mask the hurt that overcame thinking that my little daydream may have been slowly slipping away.

I knew the events of the night before hadn't been planned, I was happy it had happened but if we both hadn't been there together at the same time, would he have tried to see me to have the same conversation? Would he have sought me out to try and fix things or would he have just vanished into thin air again? Edward flinched slightly and turned back to look at me, no doubt seeing me trying to hold myself together and not crumble in front of him. I wanted to be strong, to be brave and face this but the thought of him being here and not coming to find me, of avoiding me, hurt more than any of his confessions.

"I thought I would come here, see Angel, try and see you, accept defeat when you inevitably sent me away and go back to Italy. I never thought…" he trailed off looking at me for understanding. The vulnerability in his eyes, the way his face crumbled in self doubt and the defeat of his body language showed me what he meant.

He thought we were over for good.

He thought I would send him away.

I felt my body relax slightly knowing that he had in fact intended in coming for me though my heart broke all over again at his assumption that he would be turned away, that he would be alone and that his only choice for any type of peace or redemption was to return to Italy.

"I wouldn't have turned you away, Edward." I whisper to him, feeling the tears gather in my eyes. At seeing my pain he moved quickly over to me, grabbing me into a fierce hug while ignoring the broken glass puddle that he had just stepped into.

"I thought I had lost you. I wanted you to have the chance at a normal and happy life so I was willing to accept defeat if you told me to leave. Leaving you is one of the hardest things I have ever done but I would do it to make you happy, I'd do anything for you, Bella." He whispered into my ear as he held me against him tightly making my body melt into his own as I held onto him just as fiercely.

"I want to be happy, I want you to be happy, and I want us to be together." I murmur into his neck, breathing in his beautiful scent allowing it to relax me. Edward moved back slightly, taking my face in his hands, caressing my cheeks with his fingers as his forehead leaned against my own, watching me with his beautiful, soulful eyes.

"I never thought this would happen, I never thought that we would ever be like this, and that you could even attempt to forgive and love me again, not after the way I failed you before. I swear I'll never fail you again, I'm so sorry" He told me, looking at me adoringly with a hint of sadness while he continued to caress my cheek though now it was to wipe away the silent tears that were making there way down my face.

"I know." I whisper back smiling softly at him to let him know I was here, I wasn't going anywhere. The loud grumbling of my upset stomach broke our small silence moment making me blush tomato red and Edward frown while pulling his hands away from my face and slowly snaking them down my body until he reached my hands, joining them together.

"Well, if you just woke up I'm assuming you haven't had anything to eat yet?" he asked me, although he already seems to know the answer. I shook my head no and watched his frown deepen slightly as an unhappy thought seems to cross his mind.

"So you haven't eaten anything since yesterday?" I ducked my head hoping to avoid his gaze knowing he wouldn't like the answer to his question. I hoped he would drop the subject but it didn't seem very likely.

"Bella?"

"Actually the last meal I had was dinner on Thursday night." I explained quietly and squirming on the spot knowing he wasn't happy.

"Why haven't you eaten anything since Thursday? Bella, that was almost two full days ago. You can't do stuff like this, you can't starve yourself!" Edward reprimanded me showing the concern he had for me making me feel cared for.

"I didn't mean to starve myself, I swear. I was too upset yesterday morning to even think about eating, never mind trying to keep anything down. Then the afternoon came and I was dreading the party so my lack of appetite wasn't at the forefront of my mind and then I came here and…" I let my sentence trail off hoping he would understand that the nerves from our talk had just been too much to handle, I would never have been able to stomach eating anything especially with the way my stomach had been twisted in knots one moment and filled with butterflies the next.

He smiled sadly at me seeming to understand what I couldn't say. He sighed then lifted our left hands that were still connected to his lips to kiss the rings that still symbolized our marriage.

I had never taken them off.

"I should probably feed you then huh?" I smiled sweetly at his humored tone, nodding my head happily knowing that he wasn't going to push the topic any further.

"I was kind of hoping I could go take a quick shower first?" I asked.

"Oh, yeah, that's no problem; how about you go get your shower and I'll make you something to eat. You okay with an omelet? Just give me a wee second okay." He asked, never letting the grin fall from his face as he sprinted away back to the bedroom, totally oblivious to the puddle and broken glass he had once again stepped over. I laughed at him for not realizing that he had not only stepped into the mess and trailed it away with him as he sprinted off but that he had left me stranded in it, with my bare feet and now soaked dress.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked as he returned to the room, smiling when he seen my happy face. I point to my feet as he walked back over looking quizzically at me until he realized what I was pointing at.

"Erm… Opps, I guess you distracted me huh?" He said with a small laugh of his own and a mega watt smile that reached his sparkling eyes. He looked the happiest I'd seen him since we had found out I was pregnant and though that thought made my heart pang slightly in pain for our baby, it also made me happy that he was feeling that way. I smiled back at him and nodded my head watching him nod back to me in response. I was so lost in his happy gaze that I squealed in surprise when he picked me up bridal style. I didn't dare ask him to put me down as I loved how it felt being back in his arms.

"You're in you bare feet I assume and I don't want you to step on a broken bit of the glass and cut yourself." He told me sweetly making me smile and cuddle into his arms as he carried me back into his room and to the en suite door.

He put me down softly and my body turned to his own so that we are nearly chest to chest. We were both smiling at each other like complete idiots, it felt so juvenile and high school like but we couldn't seem to stop it. There was still so much to be said and explained but just for a moment we were just us, just being. Edward stared for a moment longer before he chuckled and shook his head then moved over to the bed, dragging a suitcase of his clothes out from underneath.

"You won't get very far without this. The towels are in the cupboard beside the bath and the shampoo and soap are in the shower stall. Sorry I don't have anything else for you to wear like a house robe or anything" He chuckled nervously rubbing the back of his neck again and avoiding my gaze.

"Ill be fine in one of your shirts, its what I was going to steal originally even if there had been a bath robe so thank you" I told him sincerely and took the bag from his hand, never taking my gaze from him. The fact that I'd admitted that not only would I feel comfortable enough to be in his clothes again, but that I'd choose his clothes over any other option he could give me, made Edward light up like a Christmas tree. He moved forward and kissed my forehead holding his lips there a second longer than he needed to, though neither of us mentioned it or bothered to move away.

"Enjoy your shower, Bella" He told me as he left the room.

He gazed at me with such intensity, such adoration that I felt it right down to my toes. This was what I had always wanted with Edward, this was the way I had always wanted out relationship to be and now that it was happening I felt like I had to pinch myself to believe it was real.

Edward had already put the shower on to preheat so I jumped in quickly, squealing a little at the happy feeling washing over me. I finished up as quick as I could, not even slightly bothered that I don't have my own toiletries with me like my conditioner or my body lotion because I realized as soon as I get out of the shower that I smelt more like Edward. Using his shampoo and soap left me surrounded in his scent and smiling like a Cheshire cat. I decided to pleat my hair instead of trying to towel dry and tame it; I figured it was the easiest way. The thought of putting on the underwear that I had worn all of the day and night before left me feeling kind of dirty again so instead I decided to go braless and stole a pair of Edwards's boxers while I washed my own underwear and stockings. It was while washing them that a small devious thought popped into my head that made me giggle like a school girl. I grabbed all the underwear and looked myself over in the mirror.

I was wearing a plain dark blue t-shirt that was drowning my small frame and reached just under my ass in length. My hair was braided to the side hanging down my right shoulder letting some small droplets of water fall down leaving a small wet patch just centimeters from were my erect nipple was clearly showing through.

I had a pair of grey boxers rolled over my hips to stop them falling down so they smaller on me in length than they should have been and making my legs seem longer than what they were. I had never been more thankful to Rose and her beauty regimes than I had in the moment, my legs were smooth and soft after being waxed earlier in the week for the party last night. My feet we incased in a pair of large wooly socks slouched over my ankles to keep my feet warm. I looked cute and felt really womanly and sexy. It was weird considering I was wearing men's clothes that I would feel that way but then I smiled remembering that they were _my_ mans clothes, that made me feel sexier than ever and I knew he'd feel the same.

My skin was glowing all over but especially my face, the facial scrub Rose had insisted on took away any small blemish but the glow was more than that. I was happy. It showed in the radiant, cheeky smile, the small rosy blush in my cheeks and the twinkle that had returned to my eyes which had seemed so dead and soulless before. I wasn't stupid, I knew there were still a million hurdles Edward and I would have to work through, there were still things to be talk about, still issues to face. We had to get back to the real world eventually but until then I was enjoying my bubble of happiness. I had decided that even if it was only for today or tomorrow, even if it was only for a few days I wanted this daydream to be real. With that thought in mind I gathered my things and headed to the living room to tease the hell out of Edward.

"Hey, did you have a nice shower?" He asked with his back facing me. I saw a broom that hadn't been there before sitting near the kitchen entrance so I could only assume he had tidied up the broken glass mess before starting to cook the omelet.

"Yeah, it was nice. Do you have somewhere I could hang these up to dry?" I tried to sound blasé about it, not wanting to give away my game but I couldn't seem to help the small smirk on my face as he turned to see what I was talking about.

His head turned at first to inspect what I was holding, and then turned back to what he was cooking before freezing minutely making my smirk slightly bigger. I managed to clear it from my face as he slowly turned his whole body to look at me. His eyes raked over my body, starting at my feet, working their way up my legs, over my torso that was swimming in his t-shirt until he reached my breasts, or more precisely my right breast that had the wet patch that was now not only above the nipple, but growing over it. I watched as he swallowed hard, and seemed to squirm slightly on the spot before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. When he reopened them he had moved his gaze from my chest to my face, watching me as I blushed deeply. He knew he had been caught eye fucking me and for once I was glad that my usually annoying blush was working to my advantage, it was making me seem innocent when in reality I knew exactly what I had been doing to him.

"Er…ehm…yeah I mean, uh huh we can put your things on one of the side tables and move it in front of the fire place if you want? What is it you're wanting dry?" He squirmed some more before turning back to the omelet and lifting it from the pan onto a plate. I decided to play with him a little more so I moved until I was leaning against the small tower of wall that was at the end of the kitchen island, playing with undergarments in my hands, looking down at them so that Edward wouldn't catch the smile on my face.

"It's just my underwear. They are a new set Rosalie bought me and are kind of lacey and delicate so I washed them in the sink so they wouldn't ruin. I felt like putting them back on again would be kind of…dirty." I have to bit my bottom lip to stop the small laugh from escaping me as Edward fumble with the frying pan before dropping it onto his foot when I said 'dirty'. He cursed lowly and gripped onto the kitchen unit with his back to me but I could see him still squirming and the blush that had reached the tops of his ears. It was fun to see his reactions to me; I had never really tried to tease him before, figuring it was a waste of time and energy, but knowing now that he did actually want me made me feel more powerful than ever.

"Uh…well…erm…uh…well the side tables are in the living room sitting to the side of the seat. You fix what you need to fix and I'll finish up in here" he muttered as he tried to distract himself from looking at me. He pottered about, getting cutlery for the omelets and grabbing glasses and pouring juice.

"Okay" I replied trying to look as innocent as possible.

"Damn sexy ass devil woman" I heard Edward mutter to himself as I walked away, making my smile feel like its going to crack my face. Seeing the affect I was having on Edward made me feel so powerful but it also made me feel more beautiful than I ever had before. I had never tried to tease Edward before, I had never been this playful or acted on my emotions like this with him because I didn't think there was any point but now that I knew differently I could be this way. I could go from trying to survive a marriage with my best friend to actually having a real relationship and marriage with the man I love. This had been what I always wanted.

I wanted my husband to make me feel beautiful.

To make me feel desired.

To make me feel loved.

I wanted my husband to make me feel like I was the only other person in the world.

He was finally doing that.

The side table next to his chair had a nest of smaller tables underneath so I grabbed the two smaller ones from underneath and set them up in front of the fire place close enough to dry them but not burn them. Once they were set up I started untangling the mass of underwear and stockings in my hand. It was then that I felt his eyes on me; I could feel the shiver of anticipation, the electric charge that always surrounded us. Edward was watching me so intently that I could feel his eyes burning holes into my side. Trying to playing it cool, I bent over slightly, making sure that I was sticking my bottom out like some hoochie in the rap videos and started arranging everything on the tables but not before making sure he caught a glimpse of each item I was placing down.

From the small whimpers and groans I could hear from the kitchen, I knew I was succeeding. The underwear was his favorite color on me - midnight blue, it was lacy and delicate but with kink. The bra gave enough support to give me an ample cleavage and the panties had a garter belt cover over them with the garters falling far enough to reach my lace top stockings. I knew as I was placing them down that Edward was imaging them on me, or more specifically he was imaging taking them off of me.

I tried to hide the small smile as I heard Edward move from the kitchen until I felt him right in front of me. He stood to my side, breathing heavily with his hands twitching at his sides. From a quick glace down at the bulge straining against his jeans, I could see the affect my little display had caused him and I felt a small sense of accomplishment in it all. I slowly stood up and turned so our bodies were facing each other but I didn't dare look up to his face, instead I looked to his chest and lifted my hand to trace his chest, looking at ever bump, feeling his smooth skin through the material. He had always been built but now it was more defined leading me to believe he had been working out more – not doubt an idea Emmett had suggested.

My gaze followed my finger as it traced light patterns over his chest which was now near to the point of heaving it was moving so fast. I could see his hands slowly move until they were placed lightly on my hips, so softly that I didn't even flinch from the bruises. As he held me I moved my finger until it was nearer to his heart not forgetting to run it over his nipple in the process, the slight tremor in his stance showing me just how worked up he really was. Once my finger reached its destination, I slowly laid my hand down over the area feeling his heart hammering under his chest. I held my gaze to my hand let myself get lost for a moment in the wonderful feeling of his heart beat, the erratic, loud, forceful beat that seemed to accompany my touch. I slowly moved my gaze from my hand to Edwards face, watching all the fleeting emotions fly through his eyes.

Lust, desire, love but most of all fear, he seemed to be more afraid than anything else and for once I felt like the strong one out of the both of us. In that moment, I had all the power to make or break us; I was the one in control of our futures. He was vulnerable just like I had been through most of our relationship but the difference in this situation was I knew that I was holding this power over him, over his heart. I knew I could break him, shatter him into a million pieces with just one word whereas Edward had never realized he'd always had that power over me.

Slowly I moved my hand away from his heart watching as the vulnerability he'd been showing increased tenfold. His breath came to a holt, his hand slowly letting go of the hold on my hips while his eyes became defeated and glassy as though my move away from him was confirming his greatest fears. Continuing to keep eye contact with him, I moved my head forward and lightly kissed where his heart was. I moved forward and leaned my head against his shoulder and continued to lay small light kisses against his heart making Edward relax. He moved his arms around my waist and moved his head to the crook between my neck and my shoulder kissing it lightly and making me shiver in desire. I could feel his breathing start to return to normal but I could also feel the wetness from his tears on my shoulder as he continued to kiss my neck.

In that moment, we were rebuilding.

He was baring his soul to me in a way he never had before.

"God, sometime I think you're trying to kill me" Edward whispered against my neck.

"I could never purposefully hurt you Edward" I whispered back.

"I know baby girl" He says as he squeezed me tightly into his arms causing me to flinch a little, which of course Edward felt. He loosed his grip and moved his head back to look at me sadly before slowly nodding his head in what seemed to be resigned acceptance.

"I'm sorry. I'll try really hard not to call you that anymore, I'm just so used to it but Ill try for you." He murmured sadly.

"That wasn't why I flinched, Edward." I told him as I moved my hand from his heart up to his cheek, caressing it and wiping away the tear marks that had been left behind.

"Then why…" I started to smirk as I watched the confusion take over his face. I let my hand drop from his face and moved back until I was out of his grasp, making him panic slightly until he saw the smirk I was wearing.

"Well, you see, I had this really passionate kiss with my husband last night and things got a little heated. Needless to say he kind of marked me as his" I told him in a teasing tone as I moved the t-shirt up to show him the slight bruises he had left me with. They weren't bad bruises, they were no where near black and blue, they were small and yellowish and only a little tender when touched. I hoped he was as turned on by him marking me as I was but instead Edward face changed to guilty.

"Oh no, Bella I'm so sorry. I swear I never meant to hurt you. Oh god." He spouted out while his horror filed eyes constantly watched my hips. A little angry that things had turned in a completely different direction that what I had been hoping, I snapped my fingers to get his attention back onto me.

"Edward, did I say you had hurt me?" I asked as I moved more towards him but for every step forward I took, he took one backwards.

"No"

"Did I seem angry with you?"

"No"

"Scared?"

"No"

"What were the words I used to describe the kiss to you?"

"Passionate, heated, marked" he murmured causing himself to flinch on the last word. We had moved back so far that he was against the kitchen island, trapping himself in like he had done to me last night during our kiss. I smiled realizing that now the roles were reversed.

"Exactly, passionate, heated, marked. Do you have any idea how happy that makes me?" I asked him as I closed the space between us, pushing my body against his own. I wanted him to know what he was doing to me, what he had always done to me. He needed to understand that now that I knew that he wanted me, needed me as much as I did him, that I was never going back to what we had before. I wasn't a china doll and he wasn't going to make me feel like I was made of glass now because he realized he loved me. I knew that now we could make love and mean it, it could be everything I had ever dreamed of but he had also fucked me seven ways from Sunday before without a blink of an eye – I wanted that too.

"Those bruises make you happy?" Edward whimpered as a rubbed my body against his like a cat wrapping itself around its owner's leg at dinner time.

"Before when you've marked me I didn't think anything of it, just that we had got carried away and that the bruises were a result of that but this morning when I woke up and stretched, your marks on my skin made me smile so big I thought my face would break. You want to know why?" I asked him. He was staring as me so intently, trying so hard to concentrate on what I was saying as my body melted against his own, all he could do was nod making me smile.

"These bruises, these marks make me feel wanted, needed, desired. I've never really had that with us before because I didn't know how you felt but now that I do, that's how they make me feel. You wanted me so badly that you held onto me as tightly as you could, you left your mark on me letting me know that I belong to you and that you wanted me just as badly as I wanted you. I'm not a china doll Edward; you've fucked me hard every which way I can think of and I've liked it all. Don't think that just because we've admitted how we feel about each other that everything is going to change, I'd love for you to make love to me but I'm pretty sure if you fucked me like you did before I'm going to love that more too. I'm going to love it all" I told him as he whimpered and groaned.

"You really need to stop saying fuck; you have no idea what you're doing to me." He whimpered as I slowly rolled my pelvis against his erection that had reappeared.

"I do know what I'm doing Edward. I'm your wife. I want you; I need you both emotionally and physically. Sometimes I'm going to want love, comfort, sweet and slow but other times I'm going to want passion, rushed and rough and needy. I'm going to need to know you need me as much as I need you. There's nothing more primal, animalistic and caveman than marking your mate, it's such a turn on for me that you've done that. Don't you get that? These marks mean I'm yours; I belong to you and no else can touch me. Doesn't that turn you on knowing that?" I tease as I hear him growl lowly in his chest as I said my last sentence. I know it turns him on; it's always been a big turn on for him that he was the one who took my virginity and has been the only man to known me that way.

"Yes of course it turns me on but I've hurt you" he groaned. I tip toed until I could reach his lips then kissed him slowly and softly.

"Do you think I would still be here if you had hurt me? No, I would have left. I like my bruises. You're the only man who has put his hands on me that way and the only man who ever will." I tell him after our kiss. We lean our foreheads against each other never breaking our connection.

"My one and only too" Edward whispers to me making my face fall in confusion.

"What?" I whisper slowly as I fall back down onto my feet, feeling tightness in my chest that I hadn't expected and a feeling of hope and wonder start to rise through me. I could only gaze up at him in wonder as he revealed yet another secret to me.

"You're my one and only too, Bella. You're the only person I've even slept with." He told me quietly with a shy smile gracing his lips. I slowly move my hands up until my arms are wrapped around his shoulders and my fingers are tangled into the hair on the nape of his neck.

"Really?" I asked while choking on the tears that have taking over my eyes.

"Really" Edward whispered back, smiling even bigger at the happiness he could see his statement has caused me.

"But what about…" I don't want to say her name, I didn't want to taint the moment for us but deep inside I need to know. He slowly shook his head no while looking me straight in the eye. The sincerity in his eyes showing me he was telling the truth.

"That's why she sounded so annoyed when she asked if you had slept with me?" I whispered as he nodded slowly.

"I couldn't do it, I didn't know why at the time, I just couldn't, it didn't feel right or like it was ever the right time. I'm not going to lie and say I never lusted after her or that I never thought about it because I did but it just never seemed to feel right. I think I kept convincing myself that it was because she was still legally a minor but it wasn't that because the second I decided it was you I was going to have my future with I couldn't seem to get you out of my head. I've always been attracted to you Bella. Always. I know it's a cop out but it was one of the main reasons for my confusion over us. I had dreamt about you for so long, changed my bed sheets more than I'd like to admit, and had to take so many showers after being around you that I was convinced I was going to break the damn thing. I cared deeply for you but I lusted after you so much too that I guess I convinced myself that was all we had together. I thought I was in lust with you, not love. I didn't realize until later that love can cause that lust too" He told me as he watched my face so intently. I couldn't help but smile up at him.

I felt completely overwhelmed but in the best way, I had been his only lover, he had only ever shared that experience with me. It made me rethink every time we had ever been together, realizing that we had both been learning as we were going along. I had been so worried throughout our whole physical relationship thinking he had been comparing me to her and vice versa, I had been sick to my stomach thinking what I may have been lacking compared to her when really it was her who was lacking.

The memory that really enforced what Edward had just told me was the night Angel was conceived, the night I had made love to him on the kitchen chair. We had argued about it after my panic attack when we had found out I was pregnant, He had told me that he did make love to me and truly believed that he had but that night in the kitchen had changed his perception of love making. He didn't know we could be so intense together, He didn't know that we could trust each other so wholly that we would let ourselves go and get lost in each other. He really hadn't known and was learning along with me.

"So your mine? You belong to only me?" I whispered feeling more confident in our relationship and sexier than ever as I then again flexed my pelvis against his erection, making him groan and making me laugh.

"You are really trying to kill me" He moaned before he molded his lips to my own.

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><p><strong>A.N<strong> - Sorry for the delays folks, been having some personal issues in real life as has by beta so this chapter is once again unbeta'd. if anyone would like to offer their secondary services your more that welcome. V is my beta but I wouldnt be opposed to a second set of eyes. I'll try to get chapter 19 out a little quicker. Thanks again.


	19. Ch 19 Private Piece Of Paradise

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch** **19. – **Private Piece Of Paradise

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><p>I couldn't help but smile as I felt Edward's lips kiss forcefully against my own. It made me giddy that we were reacting to each other in such a way, being so playful and carefree. It was as if nothing bad had ever happened between us, as if the slate had been wiped clean and we were just starting from now. I knew it was naive to hope that things would remain that way but I just wanted a few unspoiled days where we could be together like this. We never got to act like every normal newly wed couple who couldn't keep their hands off of each other; I wanted the opportunity to finally just be in love.<p>

Feeling braver than I had last night I let my hands wander as Edward pushed to deepen our kiss. They slowly left the nape of his neck to caress down over his strong, broad shoulders, moving more assuredly over his perfect abs until I reached the hem of his t-shirt. Moving the flimsy fabric out of the way I let my left hand lean against his six pack, feeling the stomach muscles squirm under my fingertips as the buzz of static that seemed to envelop us whenever our skin met, went into hyper drive. Feeling him squirm as my skin touched his own made me feel like a new woman.

A stronger, sexier, self assured woman.

I no longer felt like a little girl playing make believe.

Slowly I moved the pointer finger of my right hand to the rim of his jeans, moving it slightly over the yummy v shape of muscle that I knew lay underneath but as I traced across it the second time I felt Edward stiffen and stop kissing me. He moved his hands, which had been holding my waist, around to gather my hands and bring them away from where I was touching him. He slowly broke our kiss and leaned his forehead against my own, both of us panting for breath and trying to understand what the other was thinking.

"We need to slow down, baby girl," Edward finally whispered.

Instead of letting the rejection and hurt I was feeling show, I stood strong against him and leveled my eyes with his own. It wouldn't have done either of us any good to retreat and lick our wounds, we had to start communicating with each other and demanding answers. I was stronger than I had ever been before, yes it stung like a bitch that he was pushing me away, but until I knew why I wasn't going to let it consume me like it may have in the past.

"Why?" I asked, never letting my eye contact slip from his.

"I told you last night that I want to do this right – jumping right back into bed together isn't going to solve anything," he tried to explain to me and although I knew to an extent he was right, I still wanted it so badly.

"I know it doesn't solve anything but I just want a few days to pretend that everything is fine. We have been through more than enough recently; don't we deserve a few days to just be?" I asked him softly as I moved my hands from his own to cup his face tenderly.

"I think you deserve that more than anything, Bella, but we still have to be practical about some things. There is still so much to talk about and decide. We can't just jump in feet first and hope for the best. Even if we do have a few days of pretend, there will still be very real consequences," Edward tried to explain to me. While logically I knew he was right, I didn't want to admit it.

"Like what?" I huffed childishly. I tried to ignore the way I felt Edwards body tense under me but it should have been a clear indication that his thought process was heading in a direction I wasn't going to like.

"Do you want to chance getting pregnant?"

Edward had barely brokenly whispered the question but it seemed like his voice had echoed around the whole room. At hearing the word pregnant my whole body flinched away from his and folded into itself. I felt my shoulders slump, my arms wrap tightly against my mid section, and my whole body shuddered lightly as my head fell forward avoiding his gaze.

I could see Edward body fold into itself too and I could feel his eyes burning holes through me as the stuttering of his breath showed he was trying to get himself back under control. I knew he hadn't meant to push or hurt me. He'd never throw such a sensitive matter at me if my childish retort hadn't proven that I wasn't listening to his concerns. It was tit for tat, we had both fallen at the first hurdle.

"I'm so sorry Bella, I never meant to hurt you," he whispered so brokenly that my heart ached.

"No your right, I didn't stop to think about that side of things. We need to be able to speak about these things openly before we start anything. I shouldn't have acted so childishly when you wanted to talk. I'm sorry," I told him back, trying to talk over the lump that had formed in my throat.

"I'm still sorry; I shouldn't have asked you that, but it's a possibility that would have to have been considered if we had continued. I don't have any type of protection with me and I wasn't sure if you had started anything again after…"

I looked up just in time to see him blink away the tears that were gathering in his eyes. As much as his question had hurt me, it had hurt him just as much - if not more. He had lost his daughter too and now was taking my reaction to mean that he would never have any other children. It was a dream of his that now seemed as if it was being ripped out from underneath him.

In truth, I had missed being pregnant, I missed my daughter and of course there were days when I wondered the "what if's" but I couldn't even really begin to contemplate having more children because the second I did, I folded into myself and ended up having several panic attacks. With the help of the therapy group, the attacks lessoned but my body still wouldn't stop reacting on instinct.

"I got the shot; it covers me for six months. After everything happened, the doctors figured it would be the safest bet for us, they had assumed I was coming home with you," I whispered as I watched Edward try not to crumble in front of me.

I had never seen Edward falter or fall like this before. Last night at the memorial had been the first time I had really seen him fall apart. According to Charlie and Emmett he'd done the same at the crash site and when he had taken care of Angel, but he had never done it in front of me. He was trying to be strong for me like he had been when Angel was born; he had engulfed me in comfort by his touch and kept me in once piece as our world fell apart. Seeing him look so fragile made me want to show him that I could be as strong as he was and let him lean on me for once.

I could see the strain on Edwards face, his body was so tense I was scared he would snap in two. He nodded his head while trying to avoid eye contact with me at all costs then tried to side step and move away from me, but I wouldn't let him. For ever step he took, I did the same so that I was in front of him and blocking his path. It felt as if we had been in a role reversal throughout the entirety of the day. I had become everything Edward had ever been and he was taking over all my terrible traits – including running away from the hurt which was exactly what he had been planning to do.

"Please move out of my way, Bella," he requested hoarsely.

"No, not until we've talked about this." I tried to sound as strong and self assured as I could but I felt the sweat begin to gather on the back of my neck, my hands started to shake slightly and my heart started to throb. I wasn't ready for this conversation but I couldn't let this hurt him like it was, I couldn't be that cruel.

Pandora's box had been opened and now it was time to face what was inside.

"Bella, please?" he asked more urgently as his chest began to heave trying to hold in sobs that were building. He was about to fall apart and as strange as it sounded, I felt slightly relieved about it. The grief in his eyes was overwhelming but almost comforting at the same time because for the first time since Angel was taken from my arms, I felt like there was someone who truly, one hundred percent understood everything I was feeling and thinking.

The only difference was I had been getting help to move on.

Edward hadn't.

He'd buried his grief in, trying to take care of me from afar, and alcohol and when that stopped working, he took himself to Italy and more than likely worked himself to the bone. I wanted him to fall apart in my arms again because this time I wanted to be able to comfort him like I hadn't last night. I wanted to hold him in my arms and pour our grief into each other.

I wanted us to heal.

"I'm not going anywhere Edward, we have to talk about this," I told him as calmly as I could. On the inside I felt like everything was falling apart and it made me wonder if or when we would ever get a break. Why did everything have to be so difficult for us?

"I really don't want to talk about this subject right now Bella, I was just trying to look at it from a protection stand point. Now that it's been cleared up we can continue on with your day of make believe." He tried to make it seem so nonchalant but the tremor in his hands and the vulnerability he was trying to hide in his eyes gave him away. We couldn't have this hanging over our heads anymore.

We didn't necessarily have to talk everything out, but this one thing had to be cleared up before we could move on.

Edward's agitated state got worse the more I pushed back. He felt cornered with no escape. His eyes showed such pain and grief but also had some amount of confusion as to why I was doing this. He had obviously thought he was protecting me by being strong and that as long as we communicated truthfully, and he supported and agreed with me on everything, that we would be fine. But I didn't want that, I wanted him to lean on me the way I would be leaning on him. I needed for him to disagree with me and tell me what he wanted from our life so we could compromise and come to a mutual agreement. I wanted us to be equal and face everything together.

Not just the good times.

But the bad as well.

"Stop, Edward. Please?" I asked as I moved my hands that had been balled at my side back to his stomach over his abs. At first he flinched away from me, as if my touch had burnt him but I persisted and watched as his posture became less rigid and more relaxed. When he fully relaxed, I moved my body forward until he was cuddled in my arms and my ear was resting over his heart. I listened to the beats become slower more and more as the tension slipped out of him.

"It feels like every logical and intelligent thought flies out of my head whenever you touch me," Edward whispered as he moved to lay his head on top of my own.

"Yeah, I know what you mean," I replied feeling lighter than I had been feeling just moments before. He hadn't broke down and cried, he hadn't grieved but he had let me help him down from the breakdown that was about to take over. After taking a deep cleansing breath, he moved his arms and fastened them tightly around my middle until we were holding each other in a snug embrace. It was a small victory in my eyes, but one I would hold onto with both hands, he was giving into me at last. With his head still laid on top of my own, he begun to whisper his apologies to me.

"I'm so sorry, baby girl. I don't want to run from you and I shouldn't have said the things I did because I don't want to hurt you anymore," he whispered as his hands rubbed slow soft circles into the small of my back.

"You didn't hurt me Edward, I just wasn't thinking along the same train of thought as you. I was being impulsive and reckless and not even giving it all a second thought. I could have ruined everything before we had even really started to fix it," I explained.

"You wouldn't have ruined anything, I just never want you to ever feel forced into any situation ever again. I know you loved our daughter more than anything Bella, but you weren't ready for her when you were pregnant and when you were ready…" He slowly trailed off knowing I understood what he couldn't say.

When I was ready to be her mother, it was already too late.

I could feel silent tears start to slowly streak down my face. My indecision and resentment during my pregnancy would be a regret that I will carry with me forever but it wasn't healthy or productive to dwell on it. Hindsight is one of the greatest gifts of the present and teaches us lessons to carry on for our future. Edward had been right in what he was saying. I was never going to let anyone force me into any situation I didn't want or wasn't prepared for ever again. Of course accidents happen and the future isn't set in stone, so it would be naive of me to think it could never happen again, but I was going to strive to live my own life with my own decisions. I wouldn't be told what to do anymore.

But with that mind set comes the responsibility to be grown up and rational, to look after myself and think about how each situation would affect me and I hadn't done that before. Yes, I was protected with my shot, but Edward didn't know that. If he had assumed and I hadn't have been, we could have been in a very precarious situation all over again.

Edward was right.

For once.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted so childishly when you were just looking out for me. Thank you for trying to protect me," I whispered then kissed the wet patch I had left on his t-shirt over his chest.

"I'll always try to protect you, Bella. Even from me if I have to," he told me quietly and gave me a small squeeze in his arms. I thought it was very chivalrous that he had wanted to do that for me, but I had to make him understand that I didn't want that, we could never work if that was the way our lives were going to be.

"I don't want you to protect me from yourself, Edward. I need to see you at your worst and I want you to see me at mine. We have to be equals in this or it's never going to work. I took vows to be your wife, Edward and I want to start living up to them," I explained to him as I let the comfort of his embrace strengthen my resolve in the words I was saying.

"I take you, with all your faults and strengths, as I offer myself to you with all my faults and strengths. I will help you when you need help, and turn to you when I need help. I choose you as the person with whom I will spend my life. I promise to be true to you in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health. I will love and honor you all the days of my life," Edward whispered tenderly as I gasped loudly and pulled my head back to look at him. Staring into his emerald green eyes shining with love for me sent a shot of warmth spreading through my whole body.

"You remembered?" I whispered while feeling happy tears choke at my eyes.

"Of course I remembered, baby girl. I may not have shown it to you very well at the time, but it was one of the happiest days of my life and I remember every moment of it. I want to start living up to the vows I swore to you too, Bella," he told me as his right hand moved from the small of my back until it was cupping my cheek. It was a tender moment that I wanted to carry with me always, and in that minute I knew I wanted the whole picturesque future with him and it didn't scare or hurt me. I wasn't ready for the whole white picket fence with the two point four kids and dog just now, but I was more sure in myself in that moment that I wanted it all one day. Before I could even realize what I was doing, I blurted out the first thought that came through my head.

"I hope our babies have your eyes, they shimmer so beautifully when you're happy," I whispered adoringly at him causing his breath to catch as he realized exactly what I had said to him.

"Bella…" His voice seemed somewhat choked whether in shock or pain, I couldn't figure out. All I knew was that I had to tell him what was going through my head before I lost it all in the emotion that was building between us.

"I told you I'm protected, Edward, but it doesn't mean I always will be. I'll be honest, right up until this very moment I hadn't, and couldn't, even think of having more children. It just hurt too much. It still hurts but I know what I want, Edward. I want the life I had always imagined in my dreams for us. The future you had mapped out in your head and both of our dreams included children," I rambled on as I tried to speak every small thought that was racing through my brain at the speed of light.

"Bella, I ju…" Edward tried to start but I cut him off and started rambling all over again, letting the nerves and anxiety of everything start to build up around me.

"I mean, I'm not ready right now, not even close to it and we still have so much to work through with our relationship before we could even consider going down that road again, but I want our dreams and I want them to be better than what we ever imagined they would be."

"Bella…" Edward tried to stop my rambling, he even placed his other hand on my face, grasping it lightly to try and break me from my own monologue of nonsense, but it was as if my mouth was on auto pilot and I couldn't get it to turn off.

"I never imaged that everything I had ever hoped and dreamed for would come true, I never imagined you'd…" My mouth was cut off unceremoniously by Edward's lips once again forcefully pressing against my own. It took me only a second of shock before I was responding just as enthusiastically as he was.

Slowly the need to breath started to creep up on us so we started to slow it all down until it was small, soft caresses against each others swollen, red lips. Edward moved his forehead against my own and let out a sigh of relief before slowly opening his eyes to meet my own.

"I love you," he whispered softly.

I blushed as red as a tomato but you couldn't have wiped the smile from my face for anything in that moment. I felt like I was floating on cloud nine. The man I had loved for six years loved me back.

"Yeah, that," I replied shyly.

"What?" Edward asked seeming slightly dazed and confused all of a sudden.

"I never imagined that you would love me that way," I explained to him, forcing myself to maintain eye contact with him so that he could see the sincerity in my eyes. I meant every word and he needed to hear and see it.

"Well I do love you, Bella. So much it hurts sometimes," he told me honestly.

"I know," I told him simply. I don't know why I couldn't say it back to him yet. He had told me at least six times over the past twenty four hours and yet I couldn't get the words to come out of my mouth. It wasn't that I didn't feel them still, because I did more than anything. He looked at me a little sadly, obviously realizing as I had that I wasn't going to repeat the sentiment he was expressing. He pulled his head back a little and nodded slowly before coming to some conclusion and straightening himself up.

"Come on; let's get you fed before you collapse or something. The omelets will probably be a little cold but it's better than nothing," he told me as he took my hand in his own and stepped around me to lead me around the island to the other counter of the kitchen.

"But I don't wanna," I whined playfully causing Edward to smirk in my direction, making my heart skip a beat and my thighs clench together.

"Oh, I know what you want missy but there are still some things we have to talk about if we are going to live in your land of make believe for the next three or so days," he replied playfully but finally registering what he had said made me stop in my tracks.

"Three days?" I asked trying to swallow the lump that was lodged uncomfortably in my throat and the hollow feeling that was suddenly working its way through my limbs. Edward just nodded sadly and said it was one of a few things we had to talk about.

We both took our plates over to the seats at the island and proceeded to sit in an uncomfortable, distant silence. Neither one of us dared to look at the other and more or less just played with our food until I couldn't take it anymore.

"Are you going to explain?" Even I could hear the hollow tone that had taken over my voice. I was trying to be hopeful, but it seemed that I was reverting back to old habits of assuming the worst until proven otherwise.

"I would rather you ate something first, I don't want you to lose your appetite over this."

"I'm not going to be able to eat until I know what you mean."

"Okay. I need to go back to Italy. My flight is booked for Tuesday morning at six fifteen."

"And you weren't going to tell me?" I asked feeling something akin to rage start to swell in the pit of my stomach.

"Of course I was going to tell you, Bella. Christ, we've not exactly had the time to sit down and talk about all the minor details. We've had more important things to focus on but that doesn't mean that I wasn't going to tell you what was going on. In fact I mentioned not even two hours ago that I had every intention of returning to Italy." He became more self righteous as he continued on causing the hurt and anger to build more within me.

"Yeah, you did, but you also said you were going under the assumption that I would have been kicking your ass to the curb, which I'm not, so why the hell are you going back there?"

"I can't just ignore my responsibilities, Bella. I made a commitment to this program, to these people. I can't just ignore that because I'm finally getting everything I want," he tried to explain calmly but I didn't want to be calm.

"So when the hell will you be coming home?" I asked feeling my stomach twist as I thought about him being gone.

"The first week of April is when I'll be back for good."

Before I could even stop to think about it for a millisecond, I was off of my stool and stomping about the kitchen, screaming and shouting at the top of my lungs.

"APRIL! Fucking April, are you kidding me right now? You've got to be kidding me because there is no way on earth that you would do everything, say everything that you have in the last twenty-four hours if you had every intention of going back to Italy and leaving me again. What about everything here huh? Me, your family, your friends even you're fucking job – they are all part of your responsibilities and obligations in your life, but I guess not since the people in fucking Italy are more important then all of us. What do you expect? For me to put my life on hold for the next four months while you complete your obligations?" I ranted heatedly as he sat avoiding my gaze with a solemn look.

"I don't expect anything from you Bella, I wasn't going to ask you to put your life on hold for me or to wait for me to come running home to you. What I was going to ask was that we use the time we had apart to get our own heads sorted out. Let's get to know each other again because if last night proved anything, there are clearly things we have been hiding from each other."

It hadn't escaped my notice that he only focused on what I had said about myself; he hadn't said anything about his family, friends or job, but I wasn't sure if it was because they didn't matter as much to him or if it just hurt too much considering how things had been left with them all. He had spoken so sadly that my ire slowly dissipated. It was as if he truly expected me to walk out of the door, never to return. I wouldn't do that to him, not now that we were becoming everything I had ever hoped for.

"I just want to know how we are supposed to make this work if you are in a different country from me. I know what it's like to live without you and I don't want to do that again," I explained petulantly causing Edward to show me a timid, almost shy smile that made his eyes glitter with hope.

"I wouldn't be gone the whole time. I was thinking about everything this morning while you were sleeping. I wasn't planning on coming back before but after everything that happened last night, I thought maybe coming back for a few days in February for Rose and Emmett's anniversary party might be a good idea. It would let me see you and try to mend some bridges with them. But in the meantime I thought we could phone each other everyday, send emails, maybe even Skype?" he responded hopefully.

"I wouldn't be opposed to that but I still don't understand why you won't even consider trying to get out of it and staying here…with me."

"Bella, even if I stayed here we would still technically be separated. We couldn't just go back to how everything was before. Our relationship needs a lot of work before it can be everything we want it to be. Where would we live? Would you really be comfortable with coming back home? Being together twenty four hours a day, seven days a week? Could you really stay at Rose and Em's house, knowing I was in our home alone and wanting you there with me?" We were both silent for a minute as Edward calmed from his tirade of questions. I hadn't thought about what would come next but obviously it had been heavy on Edward's mind.

It had always been a big difference between us. I was too scared to look forward, always just living in the here and now to avoid disappointment, whereas Edward looked at the big picture. He looked to the future and saw endless possibilities and was ready to face issues head on to get to where he wanted to be. He was doing it now, facing theses uncomfortable issues in the hopes that we would eventually get where we both wanted to be. I watched him closely, completely dumbfounded and having no idea what to say and he crumbled in defeat in front of me and continued to tell me what he was thinking in whispered tones.

"Honestly I don't think I could handle either situation. I don't think I could stay in our home while you weren't there – it nearly killed me before. But I also can't live in the same house as you and not want to hold and kiss you whenever I want. I know I wouldn't handle having you in the guest room any better than how I did last time. I'd want you in our room, in our bed, together. I'd be too impatient to do things right. I can't do that with you again, I can't risk hurting you like that again because we would never recover from it and I'd finally lose you."

Although I loathed to admit it to myself, or to him, everything he had said made sense. We couldn't go back to either scenario because they just wouldn't work. Knowing that he's trying to put my best intentions first both warms my heart and infuriates me because yet again he's making the choice for both of us and I have little to no say in the matter. Finally feeling like my mouth was working again I was about to respond when he started talking, again surprising me with his train of thought.

"Could we, as a couple trying to reconnect, handle the public scrutiny on our relationship? Could you really ever forgive me or try to move on while everyone around us is butting their noses in, voicing opinions that aren't wanted or needed and pressuring us about every decision while we try to navigate through all this? I want the only voice you hear to be you own, not everyone else's drowning yours out because of their doubt. Do you really want to be arguing non stop like we are now? One minute we are great and everything is amazing the next we are screaming and shouting at each other over nothing."

He lifted his head to look me straight in the eyes. Seeing the pain and frustration in his eyes made me freeze on the spot and really hear him. This decision was not easily made by him, he had obviously been thinking about this a lot and had considered what would happen if he was to give in to his selfish desires. If we went home tomorrow we'd rush everything due to our impatience for our happily ever after, we would have to face the firing squad before we were ready and it would no doubt cause a huge hit for us. We weren't ready and even though it was hurting him as much as it was hurting me, he knew it was for the best to do things this way.

To rebuild us slowly.

"Everything is too raw right now. I want to start over, from the beginning, but do it right this time. I want to get to know you, take you on dates, woo you and sweep you off your feet and in order to do that we need some space. We can't just jump into this with two feet."

"Why not?" I knew I was being petulant again and that he had a valid point, but the thought of him leaving again made my heart ache.

"Well just say for talking's sake that we did things your way. How would you feel every time I walked out the door to go to work? How would you feel knowing I had to work with Eleazar everyday? Or Vicky? Or even Jessica if they haven't been able to shift her to someone else? Would you be comfortable enough or confident within yourself to know that nothing was going on? Would you trust me?"

"You said nothing happened with Vicky," I said accusingly, more or less proving his point if the sad smile that took over his face showed anything.

"Nothing did happen with Vicky, that's a story for another day. But you had it cemented in that pretty little head of yours that something did happen and the fact that you've even just questioned it proves my point. You don't trust me anymore, which I completely understand and deserve. I need to earn that trust back before we can really be together again, Bella."

"I do trust you, it's everyone else I don't trust," I tried to argue weakly, but he could see right through me.

"You trust me enough for us to be alone in this little bubble of paradise as you called it, but the minute we have to face the real world with other people, I know it's going to be creeping into your mind. Every little doubt I've caused you through all of this, every negative thing people are going to have to say, the half truths, rumors and lies. We are going to have to be solid in our relationship with complete faith and trust when we finally face all that or it's going to tear us apart again."

"Other people interfering could break us down again because they've done it before," I responded with a sad nod, finally understanding what he trying to show me. Edward moved from his stool and made his way over to me kissing me lightly on the forehead.

"I don't ever want anyone else to break us ever again. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I'm going to fuck up and make mistakes, and you'll probably do the same. There won't be any third party interfering ever again." We both looked into each others eyes then nodded in a silent agreement.

From now on, it was going to be us facing the world.

Together.

Edward reached for my hand and brought me back over to our food, now managing to eat it in a more comfortable silence. Once we were done Edward took the dishes and moved over to the sink to start tidying everything up. I smiled timidly to him as I moved over and silently started to help him. For every dish he washed, I dried and stacked to the side to be put away. We had always been good at working together like that and it felt so great that something so small and fundamental hadn't changed. After Edward had put everything back into its place, he started preparing coffee and snack foods to take into the living room.

Following behind him, I took a seat on the couch and wiggled myself about until I was comfy, cozy. The smile on my face widened when Edward took the seat beside me and cuddled slightly into my side.

"So if we only have three and a half days left together, what are we going to do?" I knew what I wanted to do, as did he but I figured it was better to ask him.

"Well I thought we could take today to talk a little more and then starting tomorrow let you have your three days of make believe because that sounds so perfect. Your right, we need this, we need a few days to just be before we really start to wade back into everything again."

"So what do you want to talk about?" I asked nervously, having a small idea in my mind what he wanted to hear from the enquiring gleam in his eye.

"I need to hear how things were from your side of things, Bella. Like you said last night, I don't need every intricate detail but I need to know the basics of what was going on for you and in your head. I want to know what damage I've caused," he explained to me softly but with a resigned strength in his voice. I hadn't been looking forward to my turn speaking but then I thought about the peace of mind his answers had given me, the unanswered questions that were now resolved in my head. The complete shock and turn around I'd had when he explained something differently than what I had thought of it at the time was truly an eye opener, my insecurities and assumptions had been wrong on so many things.

So with that thought in mind, I started telling Edward nearly everything. I explained how I had fallen in love with him but had resigned myself to being his best friend. How I both loved and hated the title, and never even thought of competing against Tanya, and my true astonishment at their break up and our impending union but then how it had soured in my mind as I thought of him seeing me as second best. I said even when we started dating, signed the arrangement, got engaged and finally married; I kept waiting for the bottom to fall out and for me to be heartbroken. It was the reason why I'd distanced myself during the honeymoon. I explained how grateful I was that he was so supportive of me becoming an author but how it had hurt that our time apart for my tours never seemed to bother him.

The kitchen incident was hard, I felt like I bore my soul to him when I explained how I'd finally cracked and craved his love. I apologized for not being more patient because I'd felt like he'd ripped my heart out and twisted and broke it beyond recognition. He comforted me and told me he understood the way I had reacted and would have probably done the same thing if the roles had been reversed. It didn't make me feel any better though, especially after learning how patient and understanding he'd been when our parents had wanted to push everything forward.

I told him everything about how I had hoped to try and fix things before I had left for my tour, how I had felt so despondent and angry when I had been away and how the feelings had vanished the minute the thought of pregnancy had crossed my mind. I explained I was scared we would have ended up with the type of relationship my parents had instead of the one I wanted. Of course thinking about my parents led me to reveal to him what my father had told me at the New Years party and how I had been wrong bout my assumptions with their relationship too. They do love each other, just differently.

I touched on New York and the breakdown I'd had with Esme before telling him of my resignation to just accept everything as it was and that I was never going to be what he wanted or needed. In my mind, things were never going to get any better. It was the same reason why I couldn't believe anything he had told me the day after my panic attack, it was why I pushed him away and why I gave up in the end.

Edward sat patiently and let me tell him everything, asked very few questions, accepted all the things I had told him I'd been thinking and comforted me when I needed it. By the end of it all, hours had passed into early night and I was sitting cuddled into him sobbing and pouring out my grief as he held me tightly and allowed tears of his own to fall.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I shouldn't have been such a coward and should have told you how I had been feeling. Maybe none of this would have been happening," Edward told me sadly.

"I know, me too. I'm so sorry," I replied.

"I'll never make that mistake again, baby girl. I love you so much," he told me sincerely as he continued to hold me and rock me softly until I slowly began to fall asleep against him. When I next opened my eyes, it was the middle of the night and we were both lying cuddled and clinging together in his bedroom. Edward was sleeping peacefully beside me, looking so young, fresh faced and relaxed. He looked like the young man I had initially fell in love with. After watching him sleep momentarily, I began to feel a dull ache start in my head, an after affect from the tears I'd shed earlier. Slowly I rose from the bed and made my way to the kitchen to get a glass of water. After guzzling the first glass, I refilled it to drink more leisurely and spotted some crunchy looking apples in the fruit bowl and decided to cut one up to snack on.

Just as I sat down and started cutting slices from the fruit, I felt Edwards penetrating gaze on me. Keeping my back to him seemed impossible but I wasn't sure I'd be able to control myself if I looked at him. The atmosphere was intense, stifling and so sexually charged that I could feel my heart rate triple. Suddenly I felt Edward's hands make contact with my hips from behind, he was ever mindful of the bruises but he still held firmly. He slowly moved his nose up and down the length of my neck before he started to slowly leave passionate kisses in his stead.

My breath caught in my throat as I felt his right hand travel from my hip up over my stomach until he reached my breast and started to caress and fondle it, then softly tweaked my nipple that had been hardening under his attention. At my gasp he used his left hand to move my body around until I was facing him and pinned between him and the counter. The look in his eyes left me mesmerized as I found the intent, love and lust pouring out of them.

That same look showed me what I had to anticipate for the night ahead of us.


	20. Ch 20  Perfection

**Guidance Of A Little Angel Ch 20.** – Perfection

* * *

><p>Caught between Edward's powerful gaze and his soft tender touches was my idea of heaven. The left hand that had been teasing my nipple had maneuvered my body until I was facing him. It then fell until it was rested against my thigh, caressing it lightly as if it were the most fragile glass. His right hand was doing the exact same thing to the juncture between my neck and my shoulder, sending waves and shivers of desire down my spine.<p>

But it was the look in his eyes that captivated me the most; it was a look of utter devotion and love. I had seen a brief glimpse before at the hospital, the last night I saw him face to face and he told me everything from me dying on the table to him finally realizing how much he loved me. I hadn't let myself believe it before, hadn't allowed myself to imagine it could be true, but I believed it now because that look was everything.

I felt wanted.

Desired.

Needed.

But above all, I felt his love.

We could have stared into each others eyes for hours and for all I knew we did. He was the perfect specimen of a man. His hair was a tangled, disheveled mess on his head; his face looked soft but strong with his angular jaw and defined cheek bones that helped highlight his emerald green eyes that were currently fighting between being hooded with lust and trying to show sincerity. I let my eyes fall from his beautiful face to take in the rest of his well sculpted body.

He was currently only wearing pajama bottoms, leaving the abs I had been caressing through his t-shirt yesterday on full display to me and showing me I had been right about him working out. Edward had always been tall, standing at six foot three and had been lean with only a slight muscular definition, but now the slight definition had turned into full-blown muscle.

He didn't look like he had shot up on steroids or anything, but you could see the difference. Each ripple of his six-pack made me want to put water droplets on him just to see them drift over his skin. The width of his upper arms as the muscle strained against the skin made me feel encased in the most caring cage of steel ever invented. His large hands that looked rough and masculine had the softest touch that left a trail of fire on my skin. And lastly the defined "V" indents at his hips leading to my own personal promise land that made me squirm ever so slightly in my seat and had become enlarged and more prominent as my perusal of him continued.

Even in his pajama bottoms, you could make out the strong muscular legs they were incasing. He was built and as strong as an ox. In plain English – my husband was the definition of sexy and I couldn't wait to get my hands on him. Seeing him this way turned me on even more as I compared my petite damsel like stature to his own. It made me feel delicate and treasured on top of every other mix of emotions I had running through me.

The most prominent emotions being love and lust.

I moved my gaze back to his eyes to make sure this was what he wanted, for reassurance that this was right for us, that we could have this night of perfection and make believe and still go a step back to rebuild us, or would it break us completely.

I didn't want this to be our last time.

I didn't want it to be a goodbye.

I could hear lyrics to a song I loved resonating in my head.

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe

Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something

Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again*

Everything I was searching for, everything to make me breathe again, was found in his eyes. They confirmed to me that he understood and wanted all of this as much as I did; we were confirming everything we needed in each other. This wasn't going to be our last time or our goodbye; it was a new beginning to our future. He gazed at me with such love, devotion and passion that my brain scrambled to decide on how I was feeling. During the whole of our relationship it had never been like this before. He had never been this gentle, sweet and beautiful before. He had never loved me like this before. As happy as it made me, my body felt like it was conflicting itself, fighting between lusting after him so badly I wanted to throw myself into his arms and ravish him like we used to do, or let him continue on as he had planned, making love to me and feeling so cherished that it left me breathless.

I felt his left hand shift slightly until it was lightly stroking the inside of my thigh just above my knee. Using the smallest amount of pressure, he slowly pushed my knee to the side, opening my legs and creating a small space for him to move forward and cradle my legs around him. He continued with the slow, innocent touches driving me to near distraction while his eyes pleaded with me to continue. I was confused at first why he would be looking at me like that but then it finally clicked in my head.

He wanted me to go at my pace. He was giving me the option of stopping before things got too far, letting me know that he would wait for me and we would take our physical relationship as slowly as I wanted. We both wanted our relationship to work, so rushing into things we weren't ready for could end badly.

I had only taken the lead with us once and it had been that disastrous night in the kitchen that had become both heaven and hell for us. It was Heaven due to our daughter and Hell because it officially broke us. It was the night that started everything. Every other encounter we'd ever had, Edward had initiated. He had teased me into submission until I gave in to our every desire.

But more than anything I knew Edward was thinking about the last time we had been together like this. It was after my panic attack when I had let my hormones override my common sense and he had taken me in an attempt to show, and tell me, how much he cared. He'd tried to use my body to influence me in my decisions and now he was trying to show me that it would never happen again. He'd never use sex between us as a weapon again. Edward wanted me to take the lead so that I knew I wasn't under his influence and that this was what I truly wanted.

Tentatively I moved my hands, which had fallen limply at my side in surprise and anticipation, to his soft skinned abs and slowly moved them up further, touching every ridge and muscle I could find until my right hand was laying splayed against his heartbeat and my left had travel up to the juncture on his neck that he was currently teasing on my own body. I clasped the back of his neck softly, feeling the fine hairs at the base of his head tickle my fingers, causing me to smile shyly as I put more pressure on his neck and pulled it forward until his face was millimeters away from my own.

I could feel his nose rubbing lightly against mine in the softest touch.

I tasted his breath on my lips, warming me with hot and heavy moisture.

I saw everything I wanted reflected in his eyes.

So I gave in.

I leaned forward and pressed Edward's mouth against my own, melting our lips together in a kiss that was everything and nothing at the same time. It was soft and tender with only the slightest pressure and yet it was intense and passionate and had my toes curling from the build up that was starting in my belly. The electricity in the air, the sexual tension running between us, this connection we had to each other that came whenever we touched had me feeling like my world was spinning out of control, but in the best kind of way.

Slowly he applied more pressure and teased my lips with his tongue, begging for an entrance that I fully allowed. Moving his left hand from my thigh, Edward cupped my face softly and ran his thumb smoothly over the apple of my cheek while using the advantage of having both hands holding different parts of my head and neck to angle my head back to give him more access to my mouth.

I could feel his heartbeat pounding under my fingertips and was grateful in the knowledge that he was as truly affected by this as I was, because I literally thought my heart was about to beat out of my chest reminding me of some cheesy cartoon character like Roger Rabbit. It was also a comfort because I had never been sure before in our relationship. I had always assumed, wrongly now I'll admit, that anything physical between us had been purely for release. I had never really known that he wanted, needed and craved me like I do now. I knew what he wanted and it made me feel so empowered to know I was his as much as he was mine.

For a few moments we just tenderly kissed, caressed and held each other, but we could both feel the desperation for each other start to seep through. I needed him more than I had ever needed him before. I had to feel his hands on me, his lips leaving soft, wet kisses in there path as they travelled my body. I needed his skin against my own, so close that it would be impossible to see where Edward started and I finished. But mostly, I needed to feel him inside, that final connection to him.

Breaking from our kiss, we leaned our foreheads together and tried to slowly catch our breath and just gaze into each other eyes. I felt his hand slowly drop from my face and neck as he took a slow and measured step backwards, causing my own hands to fall into my lap.

After a moment of continued silent staring, Edward lifted his right hand out to me as an invitation. He was offering himself to me and letting me decided yet again what was going to happen, but it wasn't just that, his hand was a sign of trust.

If I took his hand, if I let him take the lead and followed dutifully behind him, then I was telling him that I trusted him. I was assuring him that I trusted him to take care of me, not only physically but mentally and emotionally as well. We both knew if I didn't feel that trust for him, nothing as intense as this would have been happening. We could have just let our hormones get the best of us and messed around. It would have been easy to dismiss it if things fell apart afterwards as just one for the road, but what was happening between us in that moment was so much more.

It was the next step for us.

So staring straight into Edward's eyes, I reached forward and grasped his hand tightly.

I was instantaneously greeted with a look of relief from Edward and a shy smile coming over his face before he turned silently and led me towards the bedroom. It hadn't escaped my notice that a word had yet to be said between us throughout this whole embrace, but it seemed to add to the intimacy of the moment and made it that much more special. I felt like I could read every thought going through his head. I knew how special this was for him, how beautiful he thought I was and how much he loved me, because that was how he was making me feel with every look and caress he gave me.

This was special.

He made me feel beautiful.

I knew that he loved me.

It was as if we didn't need words to communicate to each other. Words were all we'd had since the meeting at Angel's grave. Now all we needed was each other.

My eyes widened as I took in the view of our room. Edward had opened the blinds to the windows facing the side of the bed, bathing the room in moonlight, causing the white bed sheets to turn into a beautiful light shade of blue, giving the room an ethereal, mystical feel to it.

I could see the full moon as well as every star twinkling brightly in the clear night sky, making me smile for the smallest minute as I thought of our daughter watching over us and helping guide us back to each other. My hand instinctively went to my locket, caressing it lightly as I sent a prayer of thanks to her and any other greater being for allowing me to have this, for bringing me back to Edward and for letting there be a promise of a better tomorrow. She was our guardian angel just as I had always thought she'd be.

Continuing my perusal of the room I noticed he had fixed the bed so that the pillows were laid comfortably, yet leaning slightly against the headboard. He'd folded our covers down until they were at the foot of the bed. I could see the yellow, golden glow that I could only assume came from the fire he'd lit in the fire place behind the door. I could hear the soft sounds of music coming from his iHome on his dresser. The room had a romantic and magical feel to it.

It was the perfect setting for us reconnecting.

Edward guided me through the door with his hand on the small of my back until we reached past the center of the room, where he left me briefly as he moved back to close the door. We both knew we were alone and would be uninterrupted, so closing the door may have seemed silly to most, but it added to the atmosphere of the room. It made it feel more private, more intimate. Slowly but more surely, Edward made his way back over to me while letting his eyes trail all over my body as I returned the favor. I was still dressed in his t-shirt, boxers and socks, but I had never felt sexier than I did in that moment as his eyes hungrily ate me in.

Though it wasn't as if I wasn't letting my eyes take their fill of him either.

When he reached me he took hold of my hands and guided them to his neck before allowing his hands to drop to my hips. He started to move slowly from side to side, guiding my body in a slow intimate dance as he pulled me closer to him so we brushed against each other in the most elicit ways. I moved my head forward to lean against his chest, not feeling the need to rush this, but instead to savor it.

Let me raise you up.

Let me be your love.

May I hold you

as you fall to sleep,

when the world is closing in

and you can't breathe.

May I love you.

May I be your shield.

When no one can be found

may I lay you down.**

Listening to the music not only relaxed me but brought me a renewed confidence that what we were doing was right. As the song came to an end I raised my head from his chest and let my hands fall and reach to my hips for his. I raised my eyes to Edward's as I guided us over to the bed.

He towered over me to reach my lips as I sat at the end of the bed, starting us in this sensual race going at a slowing and teasing pace that I was sure was going to build us up to a glorious explosive ending. While gently continuing our kiss, Edward slowly moved his leg so that it was coming in between my own. I parted them willingly for him until there was just enough space for him to bring his knee up to kneel on the bed, giving him the support he needed so he could move his hands. His caresses were as slow and gentle as his kiss was, making me feel like I was made of glass and for once I loved that he was treating me like I was fragile. I couldn't help the soft moans and groans escaping my lips, only to be met with the soft panting from Edward. He was finally making love to me the way I had always envisioned. His fingers twitched as his skin touched my own, feeling the current or electricity that surrounded us causing us both to smile widely at each other through our kiss.

Finally Edward's hands made their way to my neck and head and cradled them softly as he became more daring with our kiss. He pushed his tongue very slightly against my lips until they opened to him and our tongues met once again tasting and savoring the taste of each other. We continued on this way, just kissing, caressing and softly nibbling on each others lips until I felt Edward's right hand move from my neck to where it balanced slightly behind me on the bed, causing us both to move further back against the bed.

With me lying underneath him, and my legs still dangled over the edge of the bed, Edward proceeded to worship me with slow tender kisses, but also with soft, teasing touches. Using his right hand for balance left his left hand free to explore my body. He traced his finger over my face as if trying to memorize it before moving his hand so that his fingers were caressing my neck and his thumb was lightly sliding over my jaw. After feeling every inch of skin there, he started to move his hand over my collarbone, taking his sweet time until I felt his finger slowly start to descend from the top of my breast to my aching erect nipple.

Instead of fondling, pinching or rubbing my nipple through his t-shirt, he decided to tease me further by slowly rotating his pointer finger around the small nub, causing his finger to brush lightly against it without actually stimulating it directly.

It was the slowest, most delicious form of torture.

I pulled my mouth away from Edward's to gasp and I felt my stomach tighten and tremble, feeling more aroused than I ever had in my life. I had even thought briefly that I could cum from him teasing me like that. I was still gasping and beginning to writhe underneath him, rubbing myself against his thigh that he had balanced between my legs. Edward moved his gaze between what his finger was doing to the reactions he found in my face. When I started to whimper, he stopped what he was doing and moved his hand to further trace my body, starting with the underside of my breast to feather light touches over my ribcage and hips.

Edward gripped my hip tightly and looked into my eyes to indicate what he was going to do next. He leaned back so he wasn't balancing on his right hand anymore and move both of them to my hips, lifting them and helping to guide me further up the bed until I was lying in the center of it with my head resting on the pillows and my body laid out beneath him.

Now kneeling over me, he moved further down the bed until he was at my hips again where he continued to caress and softly, teasingly touch my skin. He eventually moved over my hips until his fingers were tracing the outside of my thighs, leaving a trail of fire in their wake. I wanted nothing more than for his hands to move to the inside of my thighs, to reach me where I needed him most, but instead he continued his trail down my legs with his feather light touches. I felt like screaming from the intense feelings coursing through my veins. Seeing the distress on my face, Edward merely smiled.

"Shh," he whispered lightly to calm me.

Once he reached my feet, he kneeled up straight before taking each foot in turn; removing his big wooly sock then massaging the foot slowly and laying small soft kisses over each toe and the skin on the top of each foot. After the relaxing foot massage, he gathered my right leg in his hands and started to slowly kiss his way back up to me, nipping at my skin, lapping wetly at the indent of my knee before stopping where I wanted him and going back to repeat the process with my left leg.

I felt like a pile goo and he hadn't even really touched me yet.

Skipping over my center, he moved back up to my hips, trailing his fingers slowly and softly from one hip to the next as he moved his fingers up, bringing his t-shirt with him and making me freeze underneath him as a thought hammered quickly through my head.

It was something I hadn't thought of before.

He hadn't seen my body since the morning of confirming I was pregnant with Angel. My body had changed, not only with being pregnant with her, but with the accident and everything that had followed. I was thinner now, more skeletal than I had ever been, but at the same times my hips had broadened to carry our baby. I had some small, barely noticeable scars over my abdomen and arms from the accident. I also had one small, teeny, tiny solitary stretch mark as the only physical reminder of my Angel. As stupid as I knew it was, and I truly did know in my head that I was being beyond stupid, I couldn't seem to drown out that small insecure voice in my head that worried if he saw these imperfections on me that it would change how he looked at me.

Having felt me freeze underneath him, Edward stopped his route and looked into my eyes trying to figure out what was wrong. I laid still as a statue, unable to move a muscle as Edward looked over my body from head to toe trying to figure out what could have caused my reaction. He moved his hand no more than a centimeter causing my hands, which had been laying idol at my side, to spring into immediate action grabbing a hold of the end of the t-shirt and holding it down to cover my stomach. Edward looked at me with pain and rejection in his eyes until he saw the nerves and fear that were practically rolling in waves out of my own.

Slowly looking from my stomach then back to my eyes, realization found him and he seemed to understand what my irrational little breakdown had been about. He moved forward to kiss me on the lips, taking his time, moving his hands away from my hips to my neck and relaxing me. I thought he was going to stop and just let us have this. As disappointed as I was, more at myself than anything else, I seemed to let go and throw myself into our kiss and caressing him just as he had me.

Needless to say I was surprised when my hands were suddenly pinned to the bed above my head. Edward had moved his hand to take my own, letting my small fingers fit perfectly in-between his own. When he moved them up towards my head, I had thought it was more for his balance purposes than anything else. Then I suddenly found myself caged underneath him as his right hand held both my hands just over the top of my head and his left hand slowly worked its way back down to my hips. Edward's eye contact never faltered, both trying to reassure me but also wanting to make sure he wasn't pushing me too far. I tried briefly to fight against him but we both knew I hadn't put my all into it. If in my heart of hearts I had wanted him to stop, I could have made him. I knew that with one look I could stop him, but I couldn't find it in myself to fight him.

Because deep down I wanted him to win.

Never moving his gaze from my own, he moved his hand gathering the ends of the t-shirt and slowly started to bring it up until it was tucked just underneath my breasts. After about a minute of watching me as I tried to calm the throbbing of my heart, I watched as Edward's eyes moved to take in the body that had been revealed to him. He slowly tracked every mark, scar and imperfection with his eyes, leaving a look of pain in his eyes that was slowly followed with a look of longing, lust and love. Catching my eye one more time, then slightly tightening the grip he had on my hands, he slowly moved down my body and began to worship the skin that had been made available to him and left a soft kiss against every scar. I could feel a lump gathering in my throat as tears that I had managed to keep at bay started to fight to get out. He was being so tender and soft with me that it felt like my heart was finally starting to mend.

Finally feeling me relax underneath him, Edward let go of my hands, moving his own to further tease and trail my skin. It was during one such caress that he found the tiny, almost unnoticeable reminder of our daughter.

Quickly shooting his head up to my own, his eyes seemed to ask for the confirmation that what he had found was actually what he thought it was, to which I could only sadly smile and nod. I watched the pain envelope over him again causing his eyes to close tightly and one small tear to fall down his cheek, causing my tears to finally start to cascade silently down my own, finally sharing our grief together. He steadied himself taking a deep breath, leaned down to softly kiss the tiny stretch mark and murmured against my skin the first words to be spoken all night.

"I'm so sorry baby, so, so sorry."

Hearing his soft whispered words only broke the dam I had been holding even more. Before I could stop it a small sob ripped up through me while I felt Edward's tear careening down my stomach. Moving my hand down to run through his hair, holding him to me and giving him a tender touch seemed to be the only comfort I could think to give him. We had suffered this tragedy, we had both made mistakes, but we were going to move on from them and be stronger for it.

Leaving one last kiss on Angels little mark, Edward slowly made his way back up to my face, lightly kissing my tears away and continuously apologizing while I kissed him back and apologized for my role in everything. Finally the tears started to dry as we lay gazing at each other in wonder and love, knowing that we were finally forgiving each other and moving on. After one more slow, toe curling kiss, Edward continued his exploration of my skin, moving further up until his fingers were rubbing against the underside of my breast and looking at me for permission to proceed. Knowing that my minor melt down and insecurities had been about nothing, made me feel bolder than I had before, leading me to lean up on my elbow and kiss him as my right hand guided his to take a hold of the t-shirt and start moving it up, unveiling my breasts to him in all their excited glory.

He helped me take the t-shirt off and threw it aside on the floor before letting his eyes take in my now fuller breasts. I moved back until I laid back down against the bed, again hopefully giving Edward the open invitation he needed to continue on.

Yeah, he took that invitation and ran with it.

He moved so that he was lying at the side of my body instead of hovering over it and proceeded to trace the outline of my breast and nipple slowly and tenderly. Repeating what he had done earlier, tracing a circle around my nipple lightly grazing it but never actually touching it, had me feeling like I was a worm trying to squirm about to get where I needed to be, but never actually reaching my destination. It was truly maddening how a few simple non touches, yet feather light grazes, could have me feeling like I was ready to self combust. Finally taking pity on me Edward started to tease my right nipple with his hand as he began to kiss his way from my collarbone, moving down my left breast until my eager nipple was in his mouth.

As he started to lightly suck my left nipple, flicking against and rotating his tongue around it, he became more assured in teasing my right nipple with his deftly fingers. Flicking against, rubbing over, slightly twisting and plucking at my nipple between his finger and thumb, just hard enough to cause a small tremor of the most delicious pain. After thoroughly seeing to each nipple in its own way, Edward switched around to extract the same beautiful torture of the opposite nipple.

Also leading to my first orgasm of the night.

To say I was completely shocked would have been an understatement. I had never cum from Edward primarily teasing my nipples before. It had always been from a dual stimulation, whether it was during our limited foreplay or from some light teasing during sex. But I couldn't deny it as I felt the pit of my stomach start to tighten, my legs started to become rigid in anticipation, my heart started to hammer even more against my chest and my mind became lost in the lazy haze of pleasure that Edward was bringing me. Finally reaching my peak, my hips, having a mind of their own, seem to catapult up of the bed and I loudly gasped and shook from the sheer shock of it all. My whole body gave itself over to the feeling before slowly winding itself back down to earth.

Finally being able to open my eyes, I was met with the beautiful sight of my husbands adoring eyes looking down at me while cupping my cheek. I think it had been as much as a shock to him as it had been to me. The look of surprise and triumph took over his features once he realized I was back on planet earth again. He moved forward to kiss me, leaning himself slightly over my body and reminding me that I wasn't the only person who was aroused by our situation. As he began to slowly kiss me I let my hand descend down until I was softly grasping, then teasing his erection through his pajama bottoms. Feeling my hand over him he stopped kissing me and moved his head into the nook of my neck and shoulder, kissing and licking it as he whimpered under my touch. When I let go and moved my hand up to the rim of his pajama bottoms, it seemed to break the spell he was temporarily under as he shifted his hips away from me and brought his eyes up to my own as he shook his head no at me.

Feeling a sting of rejection and anger I was ready to ask him why the hell he didn't want me to touch him, but the look he gave me cut off the words before they even made their way out of my mouth. He was looking at me like I was the most treasured jewel in the world, like I was timeless, a masterpiece in my own right.

He was making me feel so much more than beautiful.

He was worshipping me.

Keeping our gaze on each other, Edward moved down the bed until he reached the waist band of the now damp grey boxers that I was wearing. Just as he had with the socks and the t-shirt, he never moved his eyes from mine as he nudged my hip up to allow him to shimmy the boxers down my legs until they were finally off and thrown aside like everything else. He moved his left hand down, again tracing lines across my hips, but moving down until he was cupping my sex, feeling the warmth and moisture that was waiting for him while making me moan, roll my eyes back into my head and roll my hips against his hand hoping for some friction.

His eyes left my own, taking in the neat, waxed and buffed area that was my womanhood. I knew he could feel how wet I was for him already, as I could feel it lightly smother over my thighs. He knew I wanted him more than I ever had before. Moving himself down the bed, spreading my legs open with his hand until he had enough room to climb over my leg and kneel himself between them, he studied my arousal as if it were a Picasso painting. The look on his face seemed to show that he found nothing more interesting, more beautiful and more arousing than my soft pink folds being opened to him.

Lightly groaning then looking back up to me to make sure I was watching, he quickly moved in so that his mouth was devouring me whole. I felt his lips kiss and suck against my clit. His tongue lapped up every morsel he could get from me, then moved forward and rimmed my entrance teasingly before pushing itself forcefully inside me, causing me to whimper, squirm and close my eyes. But Edward wouldn't allow that. He grasped my hip tightly to the point of all most causing pain, making my eyes fly open and meet the dark, wild territorial gaze that had taken over his beautiful emerald eyes.

He wanted me to watch him as he devoured me.

Wanted me.

Worshipped me.

So I did. I watched him taunt and tease me, making me wetter and more turned on than I thought possible. His right hand slowly receded from its grip on my hip to join in the fun his mouth was having, slowly entering me with two fingers, then curving them until they were pushing and ruffling against my g-spot. The combination of his fingers inside me and his mouth constantly licking, suckling and lapping at me, had my body out of control trying to grasp at its release, but not being able to as Edward's left arm masterfully pinned my hips to the bed.

Unexpectedly, just as I felt my orgasm in my grasp, Edward's lips pulled away from my clit making me groan loudly in protest until I felt him softly blow against the throbbing bundle of nerves. He continued his ministrations with his fingers, keeping me on the precipice of pleasure while softly blowing against me, sending shocks and shivers over my skin as I tried to keep my eyes glued to his. Seeing in my gaze that I was faltering and couldn't take anymore, Edward finally gave me what I needed by leaning forward again and sucking my clit into his mouth then grazing his teeth ever so slightly over it sending me spiraling down into the abyss.

My body throbbed, shook and stuttered in pleasure causing me to grab tightly onto the bed sheets to keep me grounded. Whimpering loudly and trying to catch my breath as Edward worked me down and the waves of pleasure slowly abated, my head was spinning trying to take in everything that had happened tonight.

My body had always been more sensitive and responsive but it had never been like this before. Having friends like Rosalie and Alice, and listening to their conversations about sex, had made me realize this early on. I shivered at a mere touch from Edward, my nipples felt like they were on constant display due to subtle changes in temperature and I had always cum at least twice during sex in the past.

But it had never been like this before.

Slowly opening my eyes, I found Edward still kneeling between my legs, but now sitting up watching me with such love in his eyes that I couldn't help the tears that suddenly sprung to my eyes. A look of shock took over his face and he instantly leaned over me, holding me close to him to calm me down. I knew from the tremor in his body that he was holding back and trying to be strong for me. He thought he'd done something wrong and was trying to comfort me in order to fix it.

I wondered when my silly, beautiful man would ever learn.

I began to kiss his shoulder and neck to show him that I was okay, if only a little overwhelmed by the sheer emotion he was bringing out in me, in us. He moved down until our foreheads were touching and he could see me more clearly. We just laid there gazing into each others eyes, letting every thought, emotion and memory swim between us. I could see my past, present and future written in his soul and only hoped that he could see the same in my own. I knew in that moment I could trust him, I could forgive him, but not only that, I could love him again.

I had never stopped.

With that realization in mind I pushed myself forward and kissed him. I wanted and needed the connection with him more than anything else, and was determined that we were going to have it. He returned my kiss with as much vigor, letting me love him as he loved me, and this time when I reached for the waist band of his trousers, he didn't stop me.

I slowly maneuvered them down until I couldn't reach anymore and bent my legs up to grasp the band with my feet while also allowing myself to cradle Edward against me. We both groaned at the sensation of his erection being freed from his pants and finding its place against my belly, and my legs forced his pelvis to brush against my own. Finally getting the pajama pants down to his feet, Edward managed to kick them off the bottom of the bed before returning his gaze back to mine. He was finally naked in front of me and I studied him from every angle I could as I laid underneath him.

I could feel him hot, heavy and twitching against my stomach and could see the bead of pre cum dripping from the bulbous head of his beautiful cock. I wanted nothing more than to touch him or to take him into my mouth, but I knew Edward wouldn't want all that tonight.

He wanted everything to be about me tonight.

The music in the room seemed to break me from my thoughts and studious gaze of my husband's body. I could hear the opening strands to one of my most favorite songs. I was touched that he had seemed to have paid enough attention to me during our marriage to know what my favorite songs were. It was perfect for what was about to happen between us, it felt like fate. Moving my gaze from Edward's chest to his eyes, with nothing more than sheer love and adoration shining back at me, I knew this was right.

I moved my right hand to his neck, grabbing it softly to kiss him as I rolled my hips against him. He moved himself, never breaking our kiss until he was positioned at my core ready for our completion. Stopping our kiss to breathe, I looked into his ethereal emerald eyes and the lyrics filtered through my brain knowing that they now applied to both of us.

I've waited a hundred years

But I'd wait a million more for you

Nothing prepared me for

What the privilege of being yours would do

If I had only felt the warmth within your touch

If I had only seen how you smile when you blush

Or how you curl your lip when you concentrate enough

I would have known what I was living for all along

What I've been living for***

"I love you, Edward," I whispered to him, finally bearing my heart and soul to him.

Edward stared at me completely astounded for a moment before smashing his lips against my own and entering me in one smooth, fluid move while grasping onto me as tightly as he could, as if he thought I was a dream that was going to disappear.

Giving us a second to adjust, he pulled his lips away from my own and leaned his head against mine before he started to move in slow yet powerful thrusts within me. The moment felt so intimate and surreal we were scared to break eye contact from each other, the power and strength of what was happening between us devouring us both whole as we fully surrendered to it.

I felt a completion I had never felt before. Everything was different than it had been before, but in the most unbelievable amazing way, because now it wasn't just sex, it wasn't just a physical release as I had always assumed these couplings had been with us. No, now this was my husband who I loved more than life itself, and who loved me just as much, finally making love to me.

I could feel every bit of him stretching me and filling me almost to more than I could bear and yet I craved more of him. I couldn't get enough. I grasped at his back tightly, no doubt leaving scratches and marks on his skins from my nails, but I just couldn't seem to hold on tight enough. It felt like every nerve ending in my body was on fire, like I was a live wire just ready to spark. I could hear Edward's breath catch as he gasped my name in immense pleasure before groaning softly and his eyes seemed to roll back into his head. He placed his head in the juncture between my head and my neck where he proceeded to leave baby breath kisses against my skin, intensifying every nerve in my body.

He filled me, pelvis to pelvis, rubbing against my over excited clit, his chest contracting against my stomach and nipples making me ache even more for him. There couldn't have been more than a centimeter between us, not a piece of our skin that wasn't touching. I had to feel him from every ridge of his abs, every strand of hair on his head to every vein that caused him to twitch and grow inside me.

I could feel the build up of my third orgasm of the night and knew this one would blow everything out of the water. Edward lifted his head so that our eyes could meet and he could watch everything that was happening to me, to him, to us. I could feel every muscle in my body begin to brace itself for what was coming, the pit in my stomach twisting and churning more than I had ever felt, hands shaking in sheer anticipation, my lungs seemed to seize to work as a gasped out every breath, watching as Edward's eyes darkened more and more, never breaking our gaze until it all came to a head.

The coil inside me snapped more violently than I had ever felt before, gripping Edward inside me like a vice, leaving him unable to move as my sex milked and drained him of everything he had. My whole body shook, trembled and jolted underneath him in spasms of euphoria. Sound seemed to become none existent, the world faded around me, every color of the rainbow seemed to burst forth before my eyes. I felt the biggest gush leave my body giving me relief in wave upon wave if pleasure. All I could grasp onto, all I could feel was him.

He became my lifeline.

After what felt like a lifetime, the world finally started to come into focus again. I couldn't seem to find a single bone in my body and if it hadn't been for every nerve ending under my skin zinging at the feel of Edward's skin against my own, I might have honestly thought I ceased to exist. Edward had somehow maneuvered us so that we were lying on our sides facing each other and still physically connected. It seemed like he couldn't bear the thought of leaving my body anymore than I wanted him to. We lay in silence, both our chests heaving for breath as we watched each other. Finally calming down enough to breathe properly, we both smiled at each other and kissed lightly. I could feel my eyes start to droop but I tried to keep them open, scared that this had all been a glorious dream. Seeing my losing battle, Edward moved his upper body closer so that every part of our skin was touching each other and draped his arms over me.

I couldn't seem to fight it anymore, so I let sleep drag me under as I listened to Edward whisper in my ear that he loved me too.

* * *

><p>* Sara Bareilles - Breathe Again<p>

** Trading Yesterday - May I

*** Sleeping At Last - Turning Page

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><p><strong>A.N<strong> - Apologies for the lack of updates, my personal life has been a bit dark and sad lately and I couldn't get into the right frame of mind for where I wanted everything to go. Things are looking up now so hopefully more updates will be coming x


	21. A Promise

I know shock horror an actual message from Me

I'm sorry Ive been so MIA recently life hasn't been treating me and mine to kindly recently and its kinda sucked me down a bit so inspiration has been lacking. Every reason and excuse in the book is not going to excuse my lack of dedication, especially when I've been getting so many Pm's, reviews and emails of new followers to show me that many of your still love and want this story.

I had the next chapter written and ready to send out when my computer broke, Ive tried to rewrite it a million times but I just couldn't get it anywhere until tonight.

Something amazing happened today. I overheard a conversation today from someone who I'm not overly fond of and the feeling seems to be returned which makes this small hit of inspiration all the sweeter. The lady and her friends were talking about what she had been reading recently, I zoned out trying to ignore them until I heard my username being mentioned! Turns out this lady actually reads fanfiction and was recommending my story to all of her friends I couldn't believe it.

She was saying she wished she could write like I had and that she felt that the story is touching, heartbreaking and she thinks has been put on hiatus because I'm supposedly publishing it (First Ive heard but Ok lol ) I was completely floored. As soon as I got home I looked back over all the reviews, Pm's and emails. Even though Ive acknowledge every one of them as they had arrived and had felt truly touched by each message, I had never looked at them in bulk and had honestly forgot just how many there were.

So I'm gonna try harder, I'm not gonna set deadlines because I'm still taking things day by day but I making a promise to all my readers how are still faithfully following my story as I follow many of yours, I'm promising that I'm gonna try harder

xx


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